Luis Suárez remains the Old Lady of Turin's No1 target for the summer, but she's also got her eye on a Little Pea. If Juventus can't prise the moustache-twirling uber-villain from Liverpool, then they'll look to bag Manchester United's Javier Hernández and play him up front alongside Fernando Llorente in the best Spanish-speaking little and large combination seen in Italy since that ferry-load of incorrectly-dubbed Cannon and Ball DVDs washed up in Ancona.

Gus Poyet told Reading he could keep them up, then opted not to prove it by turning down their offer of a job at the Madejski. Similarly, the Mill would like to assure readers that we can speak Russian, pick up a Volkswagen Beetle in one hand and down a can of Liver Botherer in fewer than five seconds. But, like Poyet, you'll just have to take our word for it.

Comic book vampire hunter with a hidden past and Sporting Lisbon striker Ricky van Wolfswinkel has agreed an £8m move to Norwich, who are keen to double the number of goalscoring Rickys in the Premier League.

"Save me! Frustrated Anders Lindegaard hints at quitting Manchester United in the summer," roars the Mirror. Though a look at the quotes in the report suggests it's a very subtle hint. "Everybody wants to play and I'm not different from anyone else. I'm sure all the players who are not in the starting lineup every game would say the same," says the Danish goalkeeper. "So I might be off in the summer," he didn't add.

In other-quotes-from-people-on-international-duty and translated-back-into-English-and-squeezed-ino-a-transfer-tittle-tattle-story news, the Russia coach, Fabio Capello, says he's not heard of any interest from Chelsea and Germany's Mario Götze mentioned the words "Real Madrid, Barcelona and Manchester United" in an interview, but also followed them up with the words "I'm not thinking of that at the moment" and "I'm happy at Dortmund".

Barcelona, Arsenal and Tottenham are all hot on the tails of Antoine Griezmann. The Real Sociedad and France winger will cost somewhere in the region of £20m. And Manchester United want James "Sugar Man" Rodríguez from Porto. Nani and/or Anderson will be offered back to Portugal in exchange for the Colombian winger.