"There's panic on the streets of London," sang Morrissey once upon a time. (He also mentioned panic in several other cities and, irritatingly, an entire region, which the Mill is pretty sure is only in there because it scans. Anyway ...) And it has finally become clear which streets the gladioli-swinging crooner was on about – Hornsey Road, Drayton Park and any number of avenues and crescents around the Emirates Stadium, up to and including the paths around the duck pond in the nearby Gillespie Park nature reserve.
Yes, it's time for a boggle-eyed last minute splurge at Arsenal, one carried out with all the calm assuredness of a wasp on fire. Arsène Wenger has his shopping list in his hand and, in the margins around the scribbled out names dominating the page, a few targets can still be discerned.
Juventus' Paul Pogba and former Milan, and Arsenal, man Mathieu Flamini are the men lined up to bolster the Gunners midfield. Stoke goalkeeper Asmir Begovic will be jammed in the trolley alongside Swansea's Michu and half a dozen tins of beans that have found their way in there in the confusion. And the defensive crisis will be eased by the arrival of Manchester City's Micah Richards and Schalke full-back Atsuto Uchida.
The whole unedifying scramble completed, Wenger will make himself a cup of tea, slump into his high-backed armchair and remember that he meant to buy kitchen roll too.
In wunderkind watch, Manchester United, Chelsea and Arsenal are all ready to battle it out for PSV Eindhoven winger Zakaria Bakkali, 17, while Liverpool are all over FC Groningen striker Richairo Zivkovic, 16.
Roberto Martínez may not be in quite such a flap as Wenger, but he's all primed to splash the cash should Leighton Baines and Marouane Fellaini leg it to Old Trafford. He wants Gareth Barry on loan and is also keen on Manchester City's Aleksandar Kolarov. Everton have also sent scouts to watch Belgian international Sébastien Pocognoli at Hannover and will step up their interest in Wigan's James McCarthy and Spartak Moscow winger Aiden McGeady.
Hull have offered Auxerre £1.5m for France Under-21 forward Paul-Georges Ntep de Madiba, whose parents really should've gone the whole hog and got John and Ringo into his name, and in other Ligue 1 news Liverpool and Milan are ready to go mano-a-mano over PSG defender Mamadou Sakho.
And in the Championship, Wigan are keen on a loan deal for Manchester United's Nick Powell, Paul Konchesky could be on his way to Queens Park Rangers and Ipswich have rejected Crystal Palace's £3m bid for Aaron Cresswell.