MILL EXCLUSIVE! The Mill last night sensationally confirmed that it is staying at the Mill, telling the Mill that it is happy at the Mill despite reports that the Mill has been bullying the Mill, making the Mill get up at 4am to write about mindless tittle-tattle, stuffing the Mill's head down the toilet, calling the Mill names and laughing at the Mill's clothes.

"I can confirm that I have never been happier at the Mill than I am now," the Mill said. "I have learnt so much under the Mill and I continue to learn so much under the Mill – how to miss deadlines, how not to be funny, how to make spelling mistakes, it's all there. I never want to leave. This is home. I'm going nowhere. Please don't hurt me." Stunning work by the Mill, the Mill is sure you'll agree.

Also producing stunning exclusives are Manchester United, who can EXCLUSIVELY report that one of their own employees said some words to another of their employees. That's right, in a WORLD EXCLUSIVE, United can report that Robin van Persie is going nowhere! He's really happy! He loves David Moyes! He learns new things under Moyes every day! Like crossing! Yay for Manchester United! Yay!

Exclusive. State of that club. They're almost as bad at social media as they are at football.

Arsenal are starting to make plans for when Arsène Wenger disappears and have decided that Nicklas Bendtner will be their next manager.

Honestly. Seriously. We mean it. We're not lying. We wouldn't do that to you, Arsenal fans, we know how sensitive you are.

It's Bendtner. In Bendtner you will trust. Bendtner knows. Not really! Ha! The look on all your faces. They want Roberto Martínez to replace Wenger.

Meanwhile Lukasz Fabianski wants out of Arsenal after rejecting their offer of a new contract. But it's all right, because Bendtner can fill in as a reserve goalkeeper, which means that Arsenal can replace him with Valencia's Francisco Alcácer. They're signing a new striker and not a moment too soon. You can't accuse Arsenal of waiting until the horse has bolted.

Marko Marin would like to make his loan move from Chelsea to Sevilla permanent. Chelsea and United are both making eyes at Sheffield United's Harry Maguire.

Roma want Newcastle enigma Mathieu Debuchy and they can probably have him, knowing Mike Ashley. Roma are managed by Debuchy's old manager at Lille, Rudi Garcia.

Chelsea would like a new striker. This time it's Atlético Madrid's Diego Costa. Tomorrow it will be Radamel Falcao, the next day it will be Edinson Cavani, the next day it will be Diego Costa. But not Van Persie, because he's HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!