Wigan Athletic's training was halted on Thursday after thieves snuck in through an open side gate and made off with 48 footballs which had been left in the middle of a training pitch. Players were forced to go for a jog while Roberto Martínez sent a martinet to the shops for replacements. The Brazilian club Internacional are taking steps to ensure that their assets are not stolen for nothing, insisting that Tottenham Hotspur will have to meet the full £44m release clause of their 22-year-old striker Leandro Damião. "Damião is proving to be worth the amount specified in his termination clause," says the club's vice-president, "and with how he is playing I'm sure there will be a club willing to pay."

One club which might very soon have the resources to pay, if not the need to sign any more strikers, is Manchester United. The Mirror exclusively reveal that the Qatari royal family are readying a renewed £1.5bn bid for Sir Alex Ferguson's personal fiefdom, and will send emissaries to Manchester next week to secure the deal.

Damião is not Tottenham's only South American target, with 17-year-old Peruvian wonderkid Horacio Benincasa having stunned scouts in a recent secret trial. The ace, who currently plays for Esther Grande de Bentin, has also held talks with Werder Bremen but could move to London in January for a nominal fee.

Also in January – you might as well stick it in your diary now – Newcastle United will slam a £5m bid on Southampton's doormat for striker Rickie Lambert, and Bayern Munich will come back in for Chelsea outcast Florent Malouda.

Talking of Chelsea, former hero Frank Leboeuf has slammed Fernando Torres. "I think the problem is that we make somebody into a star who doesn't deserve to be a star," he rapped. "You have to show for three or four years at the top level that you are a star. Didier Drogba is a star. John Terry is a star. Torres was at home when he was at Atlético and he did well at the start with Liverpool. So is he a star? I don't know." Well, let's see … six years in the first team at Atlético, two good seasons at Liverpool – that's … eight years. So he qualifies then, doesn't he? Frank? "He's a nice guy, he is able to do it but it's all in his mind," added Leboeuf. "That's the difference between a big player and an average player." Oh, so that's the difference, not the three or four years at the top level? We didn't need to get our calculators out after all? Bah!

The Mansfield Town defender Tom Naylor seems determined to avoid the Stags' high-profile young blonde CEO, with his week-long trial at Fulham ending on Friday and both Bournemouth and Derby County also monitoring the player, who will cost "a six-figure fee". Leeds United are targeting the Stevenage defender Lawrie Wilson. One in five men admit to never using deodorant.

Over at Aston Villa, Gabriel Agbonlahor doesn't seem to have had much fun last season. Apparently Gérard Houllier "killed me a lot", and the Frenchman's Villa Park deputy, Gary McAllister, "wasn't very good to be honest". Well that's them told.

Joey Barton has splashed out £6,000 on a Banksy print at a charity auction in Kensal Green. "I've always wanted to own something by Banksy," he said. Cristiano Ronaldo has pinpointed precisely why he is so frequently the target of abuse from the stands. "They whistle me because I am handsome, rich and a great player. It is envy." Rubbish! Boooooo!

Paris Saint-Germain target David Beckham – "He is more than a football player," says Leonardo. "I would always consider him" – and Tom Cruise have joined forces to form a biker gang, who maraud their way around Los Angeles on expensive motorcycles frightening schoolchildren and shopkeepers while wearing expensive designer leatherwear and going particularly slowly in an effort to make sure they don't damage their expensive, important selves.