The Rumour Mill isn't really about the Guardian, that's the whole damn point, so forget our lead story about Manchester United purchasing Edinson Cavani from Paris Saint-Germain for silly money.
Turns out Chelsea fancy scuppering that little scheme. Or, more specifically, Roman Abramovich does: he's pulled rank over youth team manager José Mourinho, who has been proselytising for Atlético Madrid's Diego Costa, and it's Cavani he wants. Abramovich, whose eagle eye has in the past unearthed gems such as Andriy Shevchenko and Fernando Torres, must have been mighty impressed by Cavani's recent performance at Stamford Bridge, where he blootered witlessly over the bar when it was easier to break the net and seal the tie for the French champions. José will be thrilled – but then he's been a little ray of sunshine all season, so where's the news in that.
Everton are planning a bid for the best goddamn Basingstoke-born footballer to break on to the scene since Morton striker Rowan Vine. Tom Cleverley's the man, who'll be doing to Leon Osman what Cesc Fábregas will be doing to him. Roberto Martínez is also planning to usher Danny Welbeck along the much-travelled path between Old Trafford and Goodison.
Liverpool need some new central defenders, don't they. But first, they're going to get rid of the old ones. Daniel Agger is on his way to a reunion with old boss Rafa Benítez at Napoli, while Martin Skrtel is to be used as a girder in the upcoming expansion of the Main Stand at Anfield.
Barcelona fancy some new defenders, too. They've plumped for David Luiz and Jan Vertonghen, and will be doing quick business before this transfer ban appeal falls through, we'll be bound. They're more than a club all right.
Southampton full-backs are all the rage these days. Luke Shaw usually gets all the attention but the consistently excellent Calum Chambers is the one receiving a bit of love today. Arsenal want him as a replacement for Bacary Sagna, as part of a determined push for the dizzy heights of fourth place next season, which will involve the additional signings of Bayern Munich striker Mario Mandzukic, the aforementioned Cleverley and Real Sociedad winger Antoine Griezmann.
And finally, Newcastle United will spend £7m on Benfica midfielder Filip Đuričić, much to the chagrin of the staff member tasked to operate the big steamy shirt contraption in the club shop, not least because Newcastle might make a big-money bid for the head of diacritics at Arsenal, who is well schooled now after last year's Mesut Özil affair.