Two games. That's all he needed. Two games. Two games and already Rafa Benítez is serving up his tried and tested "shit on a stick" at Stamford Bridge. Two games! The man is a genius. There goes Roman Abramovich flicking through the managerial menu after sacking Roberto Di Matteo last week and saying "Hmm, yes, the 'shit on a stick' does sound exotic. Tell me, does the shit actually come on the stick? It does? Excellent! And has this stick only recently fallen from a tree? Then count me in! Gotta live a little!"
But somehow, despite two mind-numbing 0-0 home draws in a row, Benítez has not paid for it with his job. Which means he's going to be allowed to dip into the transfer market in January and sign Dirk Ku… Bayer Leverkusen's forward André Schürrle, available for the princely sum of £20m. Marouane Fellaini, scourge of hairdressers, is also on their wish-list.
What's more, Chelsea are also "keeping tabs" on Atlético Mineiro's £6m-rated midfielder Bernard, who's only 20. He's apparently the "new Oscar". So Oscar, who's also 20 and has only been around for about five minutes, is now old news. Yeah, boring! Get lost, granddad! Not that Bernard should get too cocky; it won't be long before we're talking about Norman, a 47-year-old television repair man from Chelmsford who's being dubbed the "new Bernard". Watch this space.
Arsenal and Manchester United have been alerted to the fact that Borussia Dortmund genius Mario Götze has a £30m release clause. Is this necessarily news? Arsenal's record transfer signing is somewhere in the region of £2.75m – £30m sounds most uncouth – while United have been Glazered. Manchester City it is, then.
It wouldn't be a "Mill" without a mention of Henry Redknapp and how he's planning on a trip to Villa Park armed with flowers and a box of chocolates in a bid to make up with the out-of-favour Darren Bent, who's fallen out with Paul Lambert at Aston Villa. Redknapp, you may recall, once claimed that his wife Sandra is better than Bent at football – something which has technically never actually been disproved – but now he wants him to join him at QPR. Probably because his current striker is the Lord of the Manor of Frodsham.
Liverpool want to pay £6m to bring back Blackpool hotshot Tom Ince. The Mill could make some lame joke about them wanting to pay £94m to bring Emile Heskey and Fernando Torres back to Anfield as well, but it's better than that, so it's not going to. However Inter have decided they don't want Mario Balotelli back, while Justin Timberlake is still working on a formula to bring sexy back. If it involves Rafa the Ribtickler, he'll have sorted it in no time at all.