Barcelona dropped the ball in the summer by forgetting to ruin Arsenal's season, failing to mount a passive-aggressive campaign to sign one of their best players – another Alex Song – but they are going to rectify that by making their move for Jack Wilshere imminently. Even though he recently signed a new five-year contract with Arsenal, Barcelona reckon that Wilshere could be the man to replace Xavi. Smokin! Oh well, Arsenal, it was nice while it lasted. Barcelona are also ready to meet the £16m release clause for Atlético Madrid's Koke, a target for Manchester United. Ed Woodward, the United vice chairman, would have signed him already but on being told he had to meet a release clause, he ran out into the street, shouting something about Santa being kidnapped.

Iker Casillas has had it up to here with being stuck on the bench at Real Madrid. José Mourinho's done one but he still can't get a game, which could lead to him doing one in January. Arsenal and Manchester City are both keen on the Spain No1. The Mill assumes he's the Spain No1 anyway. It's too early for research.

Graeme Souness is the favourite for the Middlesbrough job after Tony Mowbray, the man with the chin of a witch, was sacked. Presumably Souness has already told Steve Gibson about his plans to stick a Middlesbrough flag in the St James' Park centre circle, before nutting Joe Kinnear.

Lee Chung-yong – remember him? Well Everton and Sunderland do and both fancy making a bid for the Bolton winger, who will avoid Sunderland like the plague if he's got any sense.

Dani Osvaldo is heading off to Juventus, it says here, even though he only joined Southampton two minutes ago. And like Juventus need another striker.

Tottenham are close to agreeing a £17m deal with Dinamo Zagreb for Alen Halilovic but the 17-year-old Croatian's father wants assurances over his son's playing time. It's OK, Mr Halilovic, Tottenham don't really have that many creative midfielders, he'll be fine.

Liverpool have been mulling over what would make their bid for Will Hughes impossible for Derby County to turn down and have settled on chucking in Andre Wisdom on loan to sweeten the deal. Why Brainy Brendan, you do spoil us so. Liverpool are also keeping tabs on Verona's 21-year-old Italian playmaker, Jorginho, but Arsenal and Chelsea are also keen, with the bidding starting at a gentleman's £10m.

Fresh from his one-man tour to slag off every last person in France, Patrice Evra says he may leave Manchester United in the summer when his deal runs out, citing personal reasons. And Sarpsborg 08 have confirmed that a "serious" offer has been made for the United and Arsenal target Kjetil Haug, raising questions as to what a non-serious bid might be, perhaps one delivered via the medium of song, tap dance or riddle. Or maybe one made by Ed Woodward.