The Mill knows all about issuing ultimatums. There was this one time that it was unhappy that all its arduous work wasn't allowing for enough Mill Time, so it strode into The Man's office, poured itself a glass of scotch and laid out its demands. The Man had a confused look on his face, partly because he didn't know who was standing before him and partly because he wasn't used to being told what to do. "I should fire you, Mr Mill," The Man said. "But I like your gumption. Tell you what. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you half a day off on the third Sunday of every month, assuming the year ends in a two, it's raining and an Adele song is at No1 in the charts. Now get out of my office!" Victory!

So The Mill understands where Scott Sinclair is coming from. The winger has told Manchester City that either Roberto Mancini goes or he goes.

Presumably City's board listened to his complaints and contemplated what he had to say, before one board member turned round and said: "Sorry, who are you? Scott, is it?" Now, City may well sack Mancini, mainly for sticking Joleon Lescott up front the other day, but if they do it won't be because Scott Sinclair told them to, so he'll have to make do with a move to one of Aston Villa, Everton or West Brom, who are all interested in him.

The Mill had access to José Mourinho's teamtalk after Real Madrid's thrashing by Borussia Dortmund and here's how it went: "Well goodbye, we obviously have nothing in common. I'm a genius, you're effing wankers, you'll never see me again. You don't deserve to see me again." And with that he flounced out of the door and into the waiting arms of Roman Abramovich. That's right, Mourinho's going back to Chelsea. Heard that one before? Well wait until you hear this one – they're going to sign Radamel Falcao from Atlético Madrid too!

Falcao's arrival would be bad news for Fernando Torres, even if he reckons that it wouldn't spell the end of his Chelsea career. Sure, sure.

It's nice to have dreams. But if Torres does wake up and smell a hot caffeine-based drink, then there's always Fiorentina. They reckon they're going to need a new striker in the summer once Stevan Jovetic does one.

He's a target for Arsenal and Man City. So he's a target for City.

Not to fear, Arsenal fans. Arsène Wenger has decided he needs a new goalkeeper but thinks Asmir Begovic and Simon Mignolet are too expensive at £15m each. He could be right, so instead Arsenal have turned their attention to Hamburg's René Adler, who was excellent in Bridget Jones's Diary. Arsenal are also preparing a double swoop for the Juventus strikers Fabio Quagliarella and Alessandro Matri.

Neymar. £50m. Barcelona.

Fulham want to give the Roma goalkeeper Maarten Stekelenburg and the Aston Villa right-back Matthew Lowton the honour of being glared at by Dimitar Berbatov every week for the crime of not being as good as him.

And finally, the race for the Basel defender Aleksandar Dragovic is hotting up, which can only mean he's been released into the woods, while Arsenal, Liverpool, Newcastle, Sunderland and West Ham have each been given giant nets and told to capture him. Winner takes all.