The Paris Saint-Germain manager Carlo Ancelotti has a list of big-name stars who are being touted around Europe this month. "You want the names? OK, now I tell you the players the agents are offering on the market, officially or not," revealed the Italian. "Carlos Tevez, Fernando Torres, Dimitar Berbatov, Roman Pavlyuchenko, Edinson Cavani, Fernando Llorente." Right, readers, you've got the list, sod off and make up your own rumours.

Still want us to do some work? Bah! Well, Arsène Wenger has confirmed that he won't be spending any money in this transfer window – even though the Lyon chairman Jean-Michel Aulas has declared himself "rather in favour" of selling full-back and long-term Gunners target Aly Cissokho – but it's not all bad news for Arsenal fans: Andrey Arshavin might go. According to the Mirror, Lazio are set to make a cut-price £6m bid for the rubbish Russian, after Wenger revealed that Arshavin is actually better than everyone thinks. "Sometimes the visual impression you get from a game has been frustrating, but he is very efficient," reassured the Frenchman. Meanwhile the Sun, who are almost guaranteed to feature at least one jaw-dropping exclusive every day, have sensationally claimed that the cheeseburger was invented by mistake.

Newcastle are set to send goalkeeper Fraser Forster, already on loan to Celtic, to Glasgow permanently for £2m, though may come to regret it if Tottenham somehow succeed with a planned £15m summer bid for Tim Krul, after identifying the current Magpies No1 as a long-term replacement for Brazilian goalkeeping flop Heurelho Gomes, who has himself emerged as a top target for QPR's Mark Hughes, who isn't that keen on Paddy Kenny. In the meantime, though we can't for the life of us fathom why, Spurs might sign Real Valladolid's 31-year-old stopper Jaime Jiménez, to join Brad Friedel and Carlo Cudicini in their growing collection of thirtysomething goalkeepers, and have taken Stockport's 17-year-old goaltender Ian Ormson on trial. In further goalkeeping news, Nottingham Forest's Lee Camp is wanted by newly-confirmed Hull manager Nick Barmby.

Ryan Giggs is back on the front pages, as the Sun reports on the reunion between his cuckolded brother Rhodri and Natasha, Rhodri's wife, who are "determined to patch things up". The Star, meanwhile, tell us that the "arrogant Man United ace boasted he could easily bed lover Natasha's two sisters if he wanted to". "We hate Ryan," Haley and Kerrie say. "He's vile and he's nasty." Crikey. More bad news for United comes from Lille, who have slapped a massive £35m price tag on top transfer target Eden Hazard, also wanted by Chelsea and every other club in Europe. United could raise a bit of cash by selling Mame Biram Diouf to Hannover, with talks already at an advanced stage, according to Bild.

Liverpool are pondering a move for Ghana Under-20 midfielder Mumuni Abubakar after a successful trial. "Hopefully Liverpool will sign me," he said. Across the city, Everton's David Moyes has personally scouted Sporting Lisbon's Adrien Silva, currently on loan at Académica de Coimbra. On his way out of Goodison Park, potentially, is Diniyar Bilyaletdinov, over whom Wolfsburg have resumed transfer talks.

Norwich are to sign Leeds captain Jonathan Hewson for £2m, and the Yorkshire side are also set to lose midfielder Adam Clayton to Bolton for a similar sum, though Stoke, Fulham and Wigan are also interested. Fulham, who are still sniffing optimistically around Doncaster's Billy Sharp, are about to seal deals for 17-year-olds Jack Grimmer from Aberdeen and Lasse Vigen Christensen from FC Midtjylland. Back to Bolton, though, and Owen Coyle has been told he'll have to stump up £8m for Tottenham flop Giovani dos Santos, while Benfica have ruled out selling their striker Rodrigo. "I have tried everything," moaned Trotters supremo Phil Gartside, "but the president of Benfica says he is not for sale at any price."

Stoke's Kenwyne Jones is a £5m target for Saudi side Al Hilal, who see him as an ideal replacement for Yousef al-Arabi. Nope, the Mill's never heard of him either, and we can't tell you anything about him because Wikipedia is closed. Tony Pulis has already earmarked Hugo Rodallega as a potential replacement, but it is thought that Jones is likely to reject the move. Blackburn's Scott Dann has set Arsenal and Liverpool on high alert by demanding urgent talks with Steve Kean following Chris Samba's decision to request a transfer. But it's not all bad news for Kean, with a loan move for the Bordeaux forward Anthony Modeste likely to be sealed by the weekend.

Southampton have bid £5m for the Celtic striker Gary Hooper, who worked under manager Nigel Adkins at Scunthorpe. In other Championship news, Derby are set to sign Sunderland's prolific reserve-team goalscorer Ryan Noble on loan, and are also hoping to bring in Tottenham's Tom Carroll on similar terms.

And finally today's inevitable Mario Balotelli update, and Tinchy Stryder has spoken about the Italian entertainer, whom he revealed was the secret inspiration for the song Mario Balotelli, recently released by Stryder featuring Ruff Sqwad. In terms of lyrical puzzles it was hardly You're So Vain, but the Mill isn't fussy. "He's a real cool guy and he likes his music too," said Tinchy. In the Star, Balotelli is pictured on Blackpool Pleasure Beach with SpongeBob SquarePants, though we can't tell if he went on his own or on a trip with City's entire first-team squad.