The Mill isn't going to lie. Today's gossip is about as juicy as a sundried tomato – and as illuminating as Jordan's plans to reduce the national debt. We'll level with you. You're better off heading elsewhere. Go on! Scoot! After all, it's not like we're both not busy. We've got banana-raisin porridge to make for Baby Rumour Mill, and you're probably adding the final bells and whistles to some whizzy PowerPoint presentation.
Oh, OK – why not read this, about Celtic's astonishing victory over Barcelona last night? Or the latest extract from Bradley Wiggins's latest book? Or – for we know how rounded and intelligent you are – the latest news from the Chinese Communist party congress?
Still here? Well, don't say you weren't warned. And you should know the drill by now: the Mill publishes wild gossip, wild gossip doesn't happen, the world keeps spinning.
Anyway, the big news is that Arsène Wenger wants another attacking midfielder with an aversion to tracking back and a tendency to drift out of games. So he is considering a bid for Queens Park Rangers' Adel Taarabt if – and it's a rather unnecessary "if" given that Crystal Palace's price tag is £15m and Chelsea, Spurs and Manchester City are also keen – his £7m for Crystal Palace's 19-year-old sensation Wilfried Zaha is turned down. What do you think of that, Baby Rumour Mill?
OK. Elsewhere, Brendan Rogers has been promising to show the Málaga striker Isco the blown-up poster of himself if he signs for Liverpool. However the Málaga general manager, Vicente Casado, like a mid-90s chorus-singing Therapy fan, insists he is "going nowhere". "Isco? There is a clause of €21m, but the guy is very happy to be in Málaga, he is a son of our city," Casado told Sky Italia.
Fffjfws'[#;sf No, Baby Rumour Mill! Eat your porridge!
More bad news for Liverpool's search for a striker: Didier Drogba has ruled out leaving Shanghai Shenhua, despite what the Daily Mail terms a "difficult" first season with three changes of manager and "a board wrangle that threatened to hamper payment of wages". Ah, yes, those £200,000-a-week-plus wages. Tough gig that. However, here's a possible Filip for Reds fans: the Daily Star reckons Liverpool are "aiming to steal Heerenveen star Filip Djuricic from under the noses of Manchester United".
Elsewhere, like some insatiable money-laden fashionista at the Quadrilatero d'Oro, Internazionale are still shopping. They're after Eintracht Frankfurt's 22-year-old right-back Sebastian Jung, who also interests Roma and Arsenal.
Speaking of matters Milanese – Pep Guardiola has refused to rule out a move to Milan. Or anywhere else for that matter. "Pep to Milan? Everything is possible for next season and I've already said this before," his agent Jose Maria Orobitg told TMW. "I always speak with Milan vice-president Adriano Galliani and he's always very kind. The relationship between us is good. Who knows what will happen in the future." But? "I won't exclude anything, but when I say that everything is possible, then I'm also referring to Manchester City, Chelsea and other important clubs." Ah.
And what about this? Napoli are looking for a backup for Latin dreamboat Edison Cavani, according to Calciomercato, and their shortlist includes Maribor's Robert Beric – who also interests, er, Norwich City, Leicester City and Cardiff City. So will it be Norfolk or Napoli? The King Power Stadium or Stadio São Paolo? Place your bets now.
Finally, Gazzetta dello Sport says that Fernando Llorente is the "first name on Juventus's wanted list". According to the paper "Juventus are already at an advanced stage of discussions with his representatives ... and his club are slowing starting to realise that it might be in their best interest to sell him in January for around €6m-7m rather than lose him on a free transfer at the end of the season."
Exactly, Baby Rumour Mill. Exactly. Now one last spoon please.