THE DENIAL OF PETER

The Fiver has become used to receiving a range of affectionate greetings whenever it strolls into Big Paper Towers looking dishevelled and three hours late for work. "What are you doing here? Why do you smell of booze? Why aren't you wearing any trousers? What are you doing to that computer! Why are you asleep? Security!" But that's nothing compared to what must have awaited Peter Odemwingie at West Brom this morning, after he failed to get his dream move at QPROLMFAO before the clock struck 11pm on Jim White Day. We're just guessing here, but it's a fair bet that West Brom didn't roll out the red carpet, hang a "WELCOME HOME PETER!" sign and lay on a cake with decoratively iced footballs before sending him home from training this morning and telling him his services wouldn't be required over the weekend.

This was one of the more curious episodes on a day in which irritating windbag Jim White – who began his day stood on the roof of Sky HQ, just one heavy gust of wind away from never sullying our screens again – was reduced to calling the release of Xisco by Newcastle, just to remind everyone of the Spanish striker's existence, an interesting and exciting development. Much like the disgruntled HMV employees who hijacked their firm's official Twitter account yesterday, Odemwingie's first mode of attack was to take to social media, only for a livid West Brom to refuse to budge from their stance.

But once that didn't work, Odemwingie, apparently convinced he had Ashworth's blessing to leave, sped down the motorway to London and found his way to Loftus Road. Where he was promptly refused entry to the stadium. Junior Hoilett then refused to join West Brom on loan and the deal was off, meaning Odemwingie had to return to face the music at The Hawthorns with his tail firmly wedged between his legs. All in all, the worst road trip since Crossroads. The only question that remained was how Odemwingie spent the rest of his evening and whether he frequented one of the many fine fried chicken establishments around Loftus Road, before curling up for the night in Shepherds Bush Green.

"I learned now that the role of technical director is not superior to a chairman," Odemwingie whined. "When you are in England, you are gentlemen and you have to understand each other. In my opinion everything was done right. In the last moment I don't know what happened. I think he [Ashworth] can deny it, he has to look good in this situation. I was ready to give up my bonus of £300k already earned and I offered it back to the club. I came to this club in a wholly unprofessional way. I wasn't given any permission by Lokomotiv Moscow. I'm saying these things don't matter so much when adults are dealing with each other."

'Arry Redknapp, who doesn't like to talk about players from other clubs, was sympathetic. "I wasn't at all disappointed yesterday as I felt we made some fantastic signings," he for-sured. "I was just disappointed the way the Peter Odemwingie situation went. I was disappointed for the boy. He travelled down and I think he thought the deal was done and that is why he turned up. I think he thought 'I better get down, have the medical, sign the forms' - it was just a mistake."

At least he managed to sign Christopher Samba for £12.5m, with QPROLFMFAO agreeing to pay the defender £100,000 a week for the next four and a half years. You have to admire Redknapp's chutzpah, if nothing else. Why, just one month ago he absolutely refused to pull Tony Fernandes's trousers down in the transfer market. Clever Harry though! He'd spotted that Fernandes already had his trousers down by his ankles, so he instead he kneed him in the groin, tied his shoelaces together and pushed him over.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Alex [McLeish] has been a gentleman over this, it was the owners who pulled out and they are a disgrace to the game. I don't know how they can call themselves fit and proper" - Peterborough Director of Football Barry Fry unleashes hell on Nottingham Forest owners the Al-Hasawi family after they failed to sanction the signing of striker George Boyd at the 11th hour due to an "inconclusive eye test".

QUOTE OF THE DAY II

"Fame made him lose his name. On billboards, in conversation or in print advertising, it's just David. More than a star shining and dazzling football, David Beckham is a social phenomenon in the United Kingdom. The former Manchester United, Real and Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder is primarily a footballer extraordinaire. The former captain of the England team has an extraordinary understanding of space and distribution in the game, a brilliant technique and excels in the art of the ... [continues at great length]" - French newspaper Le Monde pulls off the impressive feat of outdoing their sickeningly obsequious British counterparts in the brown-nosing of Paris Saint-David.

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BITS AND BOBS

Despite rumours to the contrary that were in circulation last night, Alex McLeish has disappointed Nottingham Forest fans by announcing he has no intention of quitting the club over the Al-Hawasi family's refusal to sanction the transfer of George Boyd from Peterborough.

Liverpool's Raheem Sterling has been charged with assaulting a 27-year-old woman during an alleged incident in Toxteth on 2 November last year.

In a request that might possibly have been phrased a little better, England manager Mr Roy has called upon England supporters to give Ashley Cole the "credit he deserves" when the defender wins his 100th cap against Brazil next Wednesday.

And Vicente del Bosque has overlooked the in-form Swansea midfielder Michu and the in-and-out-of-and-in-and-out-and-in-and-out-and-in-and-out of form Chelsea striker Fernando Torres for Spain's friendly with Uruguay in Qatar next week.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

Featuring a Big Paper branded mug, a jam and sponge slice and "more earth-shaking transfers than Adele's tour bus", it's AC Jimbo's European Paper review.

STILL WANT MORE?

We're guessing that Peter Odemwingie pleading with a couple of clipboard-wielding goons at the gates of Loftus Road and nine other things feature in today's Premier League: 10 things to look out for this weekend.

David Platt's chalked off effort against Germany in the 1990 World Cup semi-final may have left England fans seething, but 22 years on it provided grist for Scott Murray's enthralling Joy of Six: disallowed goals mill.

Jabbering Brazilian covers band bass player Fernando Duarte sat down with relegation-threatened Brazilian goalkeeper Julio Cesar and asked him some questions. This is what happened.

Yay! Barney Ronay writes another 1,000 words of hugely entertaining blather on some nonsense or other for his weekly column, prompting outrage from the usual po-faced, humourless humourless numpties frothing at the mouth because it's pretentious, pointless and not a worthy-but-dull article about deadline day net spends.

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