Anyway, having just MBM'd two games at once, my synapses are flapping open and closed, open and closed like the shutters on the window of a derelict farmhouse. Next time I might see if I can do this while pumping away at some pedals below the desk in order to power the computer. Actually, I shouldn't be giving people any ideas. Just time to say well done to Swansea City and especially Wigan, and nighty night to one and all!
FULL TIME: Swansea City 1-0 St Gallen
But the Swans hold on! A hard-fought win for Michael Laudrup's side. But at what cost to the club's laundry bill, and the stock levels at the club shop?
Still a couple of minutes to go at the Liberty. Swansea are holding on a little bit, counting down the seconds in a state of high anxiety. "st. gallus, namesake of st. gallen, actually seems to be the patron saint of geese and roosters. and of the feverish, for that matter," writes Martin Hutap, full of facts but short on capital letters. "Interestingly, he was an irishman who built a monastery in switzerland in the 6th century ad. what that has to do with geese i do not know."
FULL TIME: Wigan Athletic 3-1 Maribor
Wigan manage to blow a four-on-one break upfield, but it doesn't make any difference. The FA Cup holders have their first three points in the Europa League!
GOAL!!! Wigan Athletic 3-1 Maribor (Powell 90 +1)
Carson earned a win all right! A long ball upfield. McClean wins it down the right and lays off to Powell, who dances inside before lashing one into the bottom right! Brilliant finish, and that's Wigan's first win in European football! And fully earned, too.
Meanwhile we're into the final 60 seconds of normal time at the DW. And Tavares, making good down the left channel, creams one from 25 yards towards the top right! It's whistling in, but Carson fingertips out for a corner! What a magnificent save! He's surely earned Wigan's win!
A gorgeous turn in the centre circle by Shelvey, and Swansea are set free down the right. Dyer reaches the byline but can't get a shot away, and fails to find a team-mate when he stands a cross up to the far post. Two minutes to go.
A tense atmosphere at both stadiums, with time running out. Swansea are arguably a smidgen lucky to be winning, but Wigan should be out of sight. Five minutes or so to go in each game.
Jonjo Shelvey's on. Here we go, then, the odds on a 3-3 draw have plummeted accordingly.
Nater creams a low drive onto the base of Swansea's right-hand post from nigh-on 30 yards. What a shot! So unlucky not to equalise. "Is St Gallen an actual saint?" wonders Simon McMahon. "And if so, what is (s)he the patron saint of? Quality skiwear?" Chocolates, keyrings with scissors and nail files that fold out of them, and dubious tax arrangements, according to the official club literature.
Davies is booked down at the Liberty for sliding in on Opposition Player (sue me). Tremmel plucks the free kick from the sky. Dyer is set scampering down the right, and is scythed down by Martic. Both players are booked, the St Gallen man for the foul, Dyer for reacting with a fresh-air slap in his assailant's direction. Dyer nearly responds in the grand fashion, meeting a deep cross from the left with a powerful volley at the far post, but his decent attempt is blocked. It's all going on.
Changes at the DW: Watson off, McCann on. Meanwhile Mezga comes on for (I think, but I could be wrong, and Jimmy crack corn but I don't care) Mejac.
Montadon is replaced by Russo down in Wales. Michu is forced to change his shirt yet again. The kitman will be spending half of tomorrow morning filling out his expenses.
Maribor ping the ball around awhile. Tavares eventually has a whack from just outside the area. Carson gathers. Wigan go down the other end, Watson making good into the area down the left, then pulling a low ball across the area. Powell again fails to convert, sliding in but missing totally. He should really have had a hat-trick tonight.
Vazquez comes on for Bony, and nearly scores within a minute of his introduction. He's set clear down the left channel, but in looking for the far corner he curls his shot just past the right-hand post. So very close to wrapping this one up.
Wigan nearly pay for all those misses. The shaky Shotton slips under a long ball, allowing Mendy to race one-on-one at Boyce with extreme prejudice. The Wigan captain holds firm and takes the ball off the Maribor man. That was close. McManaman has been replaced by McClean, by the way.
Swansea are nearly undone by long-ball brilliance. Hoof! Keita brings one down from the skies and loops a majestic chip over the advancing Tremmel in one smooth movement. Unfortunately for the striker, he's given it one or two joules too much in the way of juice. Over the bar it goes, but only just.
Routledge is replaced by Dyer. Rodriguez is replaced by Nater. And I can't not grab the opportunity afforded by Maribor's goalscorer. This is for all you lovers out there:
GOAL!!! Wigan Athletic 2-1 Maribor (Tavares 60)
They well may, they well may. Mendy powers down the right, the boss of Shotton. He draws Carson, then pulls the ball across to Tavares, who is free on the penalty spot. Batter! They're back in it!
Wigan Should Be Three Up ptII. McManaman, so brilliant in the FA Cup final, reprises that performance here, jigging down the right at high speed. He enters the area and fires a low cross into the centre. The ball breaks to Beausejour, 12 yards out. He's got time to take a touch, and does, but then shanks a shot wide right. Hopeless finishing. Will Wigan live to regret this largesse?
Wigan should be three up. Beausejour sashays down the left and whips a low ball to the far post. The Maribor defence being a complete shower, all running towards the winger, Powell has been left unmarked in the middle. He's sliding in to convert, but somehow manages to belt the ball off the right-hand post. That's not very good. What a miss! That would have wrapped this one up.
GOAL!!! Swansea City 1-0 St Gallen (Routledge 53)
Bony is released into the area down the inside-right. He draws three men and, just before the angle gets too tight, dribbles a shot across the face of the goal. It's going to go wide of the far post, but Routledge is on hand to poke home from two yards!
Fairly quiet in terms of goalmouth action in both games. That was until McManaman danced and diddled down the right and battered a cross-cum-shot into the six-yard box. Maribor somehow manage to scramble away. And in Wales ...
There is no way I'm going to be able to keep up with the substitutions in both matches, I'm promising nowt and you'll like it as well. But I will try. St Gallen's Karanovic has made way for Keita, and here's why he didn't come out for the second half. He knocked his head in a collision with Tremmel, but kept going. However, it appears he was pretty seriously concussed, because upon reaching the dressing room at the break he asked his team-mates who they were playing, and whether he'd missed that penalty or not. Yikes.
And we're off again at the DW! Wigan have been magnificent so far; they've made no changes. Down at the Liberty, Swansea restart having made no subs either. Michu, vaseline'd up, is back on, and frowning with great determination. By all accounts the kitman was required to sprint round to the club shop and get a new shirt printed up for the Spaniard. I trust he gets a discount, or at least a free mug.
HALF-TIME ADVERTISEMENT: Buy this. It's great.
And there we have it, half time in both matches. Wigan are 2-0 up, while it's still 0-0 at Swansea. As for the rest of the half times, I'd love to help you, but that's not going to happen. Luckily for all of us, here's a page which should satisfy all your latest-score needs, wants, demands and desires. Enjoy!
Bony latches onto a loose ball just in front of the St Gallen D, and thrashes a wild shot right of goal. That came a minute or so after Pozuelo went on a delicate high-speed skitter down the inside-right channel, dancing past three challenges before Michu jiggered the move by meeting a layoff with a needless backflick. "Definitely can't accuse the ref in the Swansea game of a 'homer' bias!" notes Michael Hood. Nope. But that's OK, there's nothing better than watching a game brought to the boil by the home support's righteous indignation. This could be highly entertaining, because Swansea have the full-force rage on. They've set the controls of the funk mothership for the heart of the sun!
From rugby union to rugby league land... McManaman dances down the right and whips a ball straight through the Maribor box. Beausejour can't quite get a foot on the cross at the far post, which is a shame as the clown Maribor have in goal was away on a citibreak.
Ah, hold on, turns out the ref didn't book Michu. He was merely scribbling down something or other in his little pad, a result of Michu's new shirt having neither name nor number on it. Perhaps best not to purchase a yellow pad next time, huh, ref? MBM reporters do a good enough job of calling things incorrectly without the likes of you confusing us further. Trying to watch two games at once here, bub!
Back down in Wales now, and this is farcical. The club quack manages to cover Michu's entire skull with tape, but then the whole thing shears off like a helmet. The doc decides to apply 39 tonnes of vaseline to the wound instead, stemming the red tide. Michu looks to get back into the action, but nobody lets him join in. So forceful is the resulting pique that he's booked for his protests, a literal case of adding insult to injury. What dismal refereeing. Michu was apparently off the pitch for nearly nine minutes.
GOAL!!! Wigan Athletic 2-0 Maribor (Watson 33)
Beausejour, who has been magnificent so far, whips an outswinging cross through the Maribor area from the left. Watson, the FA Cup hero, races in and plants a header past the hapless Handanovic, who races out to flap again, but this time misses the ball altogether. What an introduction to European football for the DW Stadium!
Michu is still off the field in south Wales, with much material being wrapped around his noggin. He'll need a new shirt, as well, which will explain why he's sitting on the touchline on this cold night, nipples out. He'll have someone's eye out if he turns round to face the stand. I hope the kitman approaches with caution.
Watson looks to plant a free kick into the top right from 25 yards. He just about manages to find the top right of the stand behind the goal. Very poor.
Besle has planted his studs in the top of Michu's head as he hoofs a cross clear of his own area. Plenty of blood. He's wearing the most elaborate red cap since the days of Tommy Cooper. Michu's giving the linesman plenty, and soon enough his manager Laudrup is joining in, using words such as EFF, CEE and EFFING CEE. A liberal referee could easily have awarded a penalty for that, but Swansea are getting nothing.
How on earth did Swansea fail to score here? First Davies whips in a free kick from the right. Chico should bundle in at the far post, but the ball clanks off the woodwork and away to safety. Then Bony and Michu combine on the edge of the area to set up Pozuelo, free in the area down the right channel. But he's closed down with extreme prejudice and his shot is blocked.
GOAL!!! Wigan Athletic 1-0 Maribor (Powell 22)
A free kick for Wigan in a dangerous position, just to the right of the D, but Gomez hoicks it stupidly straight into the wall. But no matter. Beausejour makes space down the left and whips in a cross. Handanovic comes out to punch clear, but only manages to slap the ball backwards towards his own unguarded goal. Powell is on hand to calmly nut the ball into the empty net from a couple of yards. It's safe to say that Samir is the talented one in the family.
Perhaps Wigan should be two down, too, but I haven't a clue what's going on. Not for sure. At least one, mind, because here's Mejac, taking down a corner from the right on the edge of the area, and nearly replicating Stuart McCall's second goal in the 1989 FA Cup final. But his dropping, stroked volley sails wide right of the goal.
Swansea should be two down now. Mathys is set clear through the middle, but slides his low shot just wide of the left-hand post with only the advancing Tremmel to beat.
KARANOVIC MISSES THE PENALTY! The Serbian/Swiss forward, quiff poking out the top of his head like a loaf of French bread, stutters once, twice, three times in front of the spot before whipping the ball towards the bottom left. Unfortunately for him, it's a very soft whip, like a 99 Flake (which also resembles his quiff) and Tremmel can gather.
PENALTY TO ST GALLEN! Rodriguez chases a loose ball down the left, turns and whips it into the box. His cross hits Tiendalli's arm. The referee points to the spot!
St Gallen's Rodriguez cuts inside from the left and looks to curl one into the top right. He overcooks it, but not by much. It's a nice open game with plenty of action. Or perhaps I think that because I'm watching two matches at once. Here's Mark Judd, also fed up with how hectic everything is: "So lovely to see the Potter's Wheel again. It's amazing how crass and loud TV has become, football coverage being a major culprit what with its adverts encouraging people to drink and gamble and gamble and drink due to losing at gambling. OK, so I'm an old curmudgeon but times were simpler then."
Michu's in a lively mood. He gets a yard on the St Gallen back line down the inside left, and reaches the byline, whipping a shot into the side netting. That wasn't too far away from creeping in at the near post. I'm not going to be able to keep this up, certainly not after the point something snaps in my head.
Besle appears to have tripped Michu as the Swansea man rampages clear on goal from the centre circle, but the ref's having none of it. And what a good decision! Besle merely scuffed a back pass, and Michu decided to go down like Bambi on Ice in Bongo. Meanwhile up in Wigan, Powell is one on one with the keeper, having burst clear down the inside-right channel, but Handanovic - cousin of Inter star Samir - fingertips out for a corner. Powell should have scored, but that's a great save. Nowt comes from the corner.
A fancy turn by Michu, 20 yards out, but having made space for himself, he whistles his shot straight down Lopar's throat. I'm bound to get very confused here. Expect Swansea to be playing Wigan by the 20-minute mark, but as things stand, they're still playing St Gallen. A corner down the left by De Guzman, and Michu sends a close-range header over the crossbar. He could, probably should, be on the scoresheet by now.
An early free kick for Wigan down the left. Cup hero Ben Watson steps over the ball. Gomez whips the set piece to the far post, but it's easily cleared. Still, that's got the crowd going and Maribor are being pressed back at the moment.
This attempt to follow two matches at once will probably end in total farce, but given what's gone before this evening, the bar's not been set high, so let's just see if we can keep up with events. A rare old atmosphere at both stadiums. It's pretty misty in Swansea thanks to some pyro porno. Anyway, we're off!
The teams are out in both Wigan and Swansea! The Latics are in their usual blue and white garb, Maribor in canary yellow. Meanwhile the Swans are dressed in their trademark white, with St Gallen in black with green sash.
AZ 1-1 PAOK
Genk 2-1 Thun
Legia Warsaw 0-1 Apollon Limassol
Liberec 2-1 Estoril
Lyon 1-1 Guimaraes
Rapid Vienna 2-2 Dynamo Kiev
Rijeka 1-1 Real Betis
Sevilla 2-0 SC Freiburg
Trabzonspor 3-3 Lazio
Tromso 1-1 Sheriff
GOAL! AZ 1 (Jeffrey Gouweleeuw 82) PAOK Salonika 0
GOAL! Trabzonspor 3 Lazio 2 (Sergio Floccari 84)
GOAL! Trabzonspor 3 Lazio 3 (Sergio Floccari 85)
GOAL! Tromso 1 FC Sheriff 1 (Mendes Ricardinho 87)
GOAL! Sevilla 2 (Carlos Bacca 90) SC Freiburg 0
What a ride this has been.
A couple of sendings off: Isaac Sackey of Liberec has just picked up his second yellow of the night, while Juan Andreu Melli, the most inept Sheriff since Roscoe P Coltrane, has been given his marching orders for violent conduct.
A bit on the Swansea line-up: Michael Laudrup has made four changes from Saturday's 2-1 defeat to Arsenal, with Wilfried Bony back up front, and Alejandro Pozuelo, Leon Britton and Gerhard Tremmel also starting.
Swansea City v St Gallen: the teams
Swansea City: Tremmel, Tiendalli, Chico, Amat, Ben Davies, Britton, Pozuelo, de Guzman, Michu, Routledge, Bony. Subs: Vorm, Taylor, Shelvey, Dyer, Lamah, Canas, Vazquez.
St Gallen: Lopar, Martic, Montandon, Besle, Lenjani, Mutsch, Janjatovic, Vitkieviez, Mathys, Rodriguez, Karanovic. Subs: Herzog, Nushi, Nater, Keita, Wuthrich, Demiri, Russo.
Referee: Duarte Gomes (Portugal)
A bit more on the Wigan teamsheet, ahead of their first-ever home game in European competition. They face Slovenian side Maribor without a recognised striker, as Grant Holt and Marc-Antoine Fortune are both out injured; Nick Powell and Callum McManaman are the chaps expected to put themselves about in their stead.
GOAL! Genk 2 (Jelle Vossen 63) FC Thun 0
GOAL! Tromso 1 (Zdenek Ondrasek 65) FC Sheriff 0
Fifteen years we've been doing MBM reports, since the pre Guardian Unlimited days of the 1998 World Cup, and finally we've come full circle, back to the Videprinter / Pages from Ceefax tradition. Well done, us!
GOAL! Legia Warsaw 0 Apollon Limassol 1 (Gaston Sangoy 56)
OFF! Fallou Diagne SC Freiburg 62 Second Bookable Offence
GOAL! Sevilla 1 (Diego Perotti Pen 63) SC Freiburg 0
GOAL! Liberec 2 (Radoslav Kovac 63) Estoril 1
GOAL! Rapid Vienna 1 (Guido Burgstaller 53) Dynamo Kiev 2
GOAL! Genk 1 (Julien Gorius 55) FC Thun 0
Wigan Athletic v Maribor: the teams
Wigan: Carson, Boyce, Shotton, Barnett, Perch, McManaman, Watson, McArthur, Beausejour, Gomez, Powell. Subs: Nicholls, Rogne, McCann, McClean, Espinoza, Garcia, Dicko.
Maribor: Handanovic, Milec, Rajcevic, Arghus, Mejac, Filipovic, Mertelj, Bohar, Tavares, Cvijanovic, Mendy. Subs: Pridigar, Mezga, Fajic, Dervisevic, Potokar, Viler, Dodlek.
Referee: Aleksandar Stavrev (FYR Macedonia)
Maxime Gonalons has equalised for Lyon against Guimaraes; it's 1-1 after 53 minutes.
Tottenham have won 2-0 at Anzhi Makhachkala. But then you knew that, because you were reading the MBM and not this. Only an hour or so, and this
editorial triumph report will have some proper action for you.
GOAL! Liberec 1 Estoril 1 (Luis Leal 45)
GOAL! Rubin Kazan 4 (Bebras Natcho 89) Zulte-Waregem 0
Shakhtyor Karagandy 2 Maccabi Haifa 2 FT
Kuban Krasnodar 0 Valencia 2 FT
GOAL! Rubin Kazan 3 (Alexander Ryazantsev 81) Zulte-Waregem 0. That's Wigan playing catch-up in their group all right.
Shakhtyor Karagandy's two-goal lead has gone the way of the sheep. Alon Turgeman has equalised for Maccabi Haifa on 78 minutes. Sofiane Feghouli has made it 2-0 for Valencia at Kuban Krasnodar with nine minutes to go. Guimaraes are one up at Lyon thanks to Moussa Maazou. And Bruno Miguel Moreira of Estoril has been sent off for a second bookable offence at Liberec, with seven minutes of the first half still remaining.
Lazio looked like getting back into it at Trabzonspor, Ogenyi Onazi scoring on 29 minutes. But now look: Trabzonspor 3 (Filho Paulo Henrique 35) Lazio 1. And there's been some equally breakneck scoring at Rapid Vienna, where Dynamo Kiev have hit the hosts with a quick one-two: Andriy Yarmolenko on the half hour, and a Christopher Dibon own goal four minutes later.
GOAL! Kuban Krasnodar 0 Valencia 1 (Paco Alcacer 73). The Spanish giants are on course to join Swansea and St Gallen on three points in Group A.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL!!! Rubin Kazan 2 (Gokdeniz Karadeniz 74) Zulte-Waregem 0. Rubin are surely going to end the day top of Group D, whatever Wigan do later on against Maribor. They'll be making it two wins out of two by the looks of it.
Given the level of detail on offer here, we've excelled ourselves by still managing to get some of it wrong. Turns out the Rubin Kazan goal was put into his own net by Frederic Duplus of Zulte-Waregem. Let's hope not too many of you had a first-scorer bet on the aforementioned Marcano; please accept our sincere apologies for any disappointment which may have been caused.
GOAL! Trabzonspor 2 (Adrian Mierzejewski 22) Lazio 0
Think of it like a Hemingway short story, let your imagination open up a world of infinite possibilities.
GOAL! Trabzonspor 1 (Yusuf Erdogan 12) Lazio 0
GOAL! Liberec 1 (Josef Sural 15) Estoril 0
GOAL! Rubin Kazan 1 (Ivan Marcano 60) Zulte-Waregem 0
GOAL! Rijeka 1 (Leon Benko 10) Real Betis 0
AND ANOTHER! Rijeka 1 Real Betis 1 (Mabwati Cedrick 14)
The joy of modern "minute-by-minute" reporting on the internet is the ability to instantly capture these rollercoaster narratives and bring them to you, the reader. Enjoy, enjoy.
GOAL! Shakhytor Karagandy 2-1 Maccabi Haifa. Hen Ezra's pulled one back for the away side. Am beginning to miss Oracle, too.
Still no goals to report. Do you miss Ceefax? I miss Ceefax. Here are some pages from March 1980. England have just beaten Spain 2-0 in Barcelona. The result would prove something of a harbinger, because Tony Woodcock was the goalscoring hero, and he'd repeat the feat against the same opponents three months later in Naples at Euro 80.
No scores yet in any of the 6pm kick-offs at Genk, Legia Warsaw, Liberec, Lyon, Rapid Vienna, Rijeka and Sevilla. I can report that Fallou Diagne of Freiburg launched one clearance into orbit in Seville, but nothing came of the resulting corner. More, please, Guardian!
A long evening of
Fairs Cup Uefa Cup Europa League football stretches out ahead of us. A long, long, long evening. Join us!
Several games have already kicked off. The Tottenham Hotspurs, beloved club of Alan Sugar, Chas, Dave, the drummer from Chas and Dave, and the late Peter Cook, are already two goals to the good against Lady Marmalade earworm generators Anzhi Makhachkala. Jacob Steinberg has the details, and yes I am already waffling to fill space.
There are no goals in the Kuban Krasnodar versus Valencia and Rubin Kazan versus Zulte-Waregem matches. But there has been two goals - count them! - in the fourth match that's up and running, and both have been scored by mutton-bothering Shakhtyor Karagandy, who are 2-0 up at home to Maccabi Haifa, thanks to Andrey Finonchenko and Yevgeni Tarasov.
Guardian Sport's latest bid for Pulitzer recognition will continue apace for the next FOUR HOURS. Four! You can count those as well, though be careful, the first couple might feel like six. But don't go away, things will heat up when Swansea and Wigan get their boots on. I'm parochial like that.