Evening. Oh to be a fly on the wall in Johan Cruyff's living room tonight*, because it's not looking good for the Dutch. World Cup finalists two years ago, their Euro 2012 campaign has so far been less Total Football, more Total Farce. Two defeats in two games – the first when they were stunned by Denmark, the second when they were unceremoniously brushed aside Mario Gomez – have left them on the brink of elimination in the first round and in need of a minor miracle against Portugal tonight. To whit, they need a 2-0 win over the Portuguese to go through and then for Germany to beat Denmark in the other game. The Germans have poor form in this regard, having fitted up Algeria in the infamous Anschluss game against Austria in the 1982 World Cup, when a 1-0 win for West Germany ensured both they and Austria went through at Algeria's expense, and the temptation to wind up their neighbours and rivals may be too great to resist. If only to see the entire population of Holland turn a different shade of orange.

For now though, Holland can only focus on the task in hand and that's to do the business against Portugal. Recent history is not on their side however, Holland having failed to beat Portugal in their last eight matches, their last victory over the Portuguese coming in qualifying for Euro 92. These two sides have not met since Portugal beat Holland in the second round of the 2006 World Cup, a match that is remembered for all the wrong – or right, depending on how you view these things – reasons. It's fair to say there's some bad blood between these two. This was a ludicrous affair that ended up resembling a bar-room brawl in the Wild West rather than of a football match, one in which ended with the referee completely losing the plot, as he dished out 16 yellow cards, sent off two players from each side and missed Luis Figo's headbutt on Mark van Bommel (or maybe he saw it, and correctly deigned there was nothing wrong with it). After Khalid Boulahrouz had elbowed Figo. The match finished with two of the dismissed players Deco and Giovanni van Bronckhorst, who had both just become European champions at Barcelona, sitting together by the side of the pitch, watching the madness unfold. There have been few guiltier pleasures than that match.

The Guardian match report from the game refers to the "unappealing behaviour" of the "unpleasant" Van Bommel, who had a hand in booting Cristiano Ronaldo off the pitch after 34 minutes. Good to see some things never change, eh? Six years on and Van Bommel is still stomping around pitches acting the eedjit, a major factor for why many neutrals have fallen out of love with Holland. But more importantly, he's considered to be a crucial part of why Holland are on the verge of crashing out. His Gruesome Twosome act with Nigel de Jong in midfield has brought much scorn from the Dutch public, who would rather see Rafael van der Vaart introduced, or perhaps the smooth-passing Kevin Strootman. So far the under-fire Bert van Marwijk, who appears certain to leave after the Euros, has resisted those calls, but his hand has surely been forced after the defeat to Germany, when even despite the presence of two defensive midfielders Bastian Schweinsteiger and Mesut Ozil still ran riot. Not much point being defensive if you can't defend.

The likeliest change is for Klaas-Jan Huntelaar to replace Ibrahim Affelay and join Robin van Persie in attack, a decision that won't make much of an effect if Van Persie continues to be as wayward in front of goal. Creating chances hasn't been a problem for Holland, despite the apparent disconnect and clash of egos in the side, rather it's been taking them. It would be handy for Holland if Van Persie stops being such a galoot, an eventuality that could make this a trickier evening than anticipated for Portugal. Still, this remains a tall order for Holland, because Portugal are more than capable of grinding out a 0-0 draw. That doesn't quite do them justice though, because at times they have sparkled in attack and if Van Persie is bound to relocate his shooting boots at some point, well, so's Cristiano Ronaldo. We'll see who has the last laugh then, Leo.

Legal disclaimer: guardian.co.uk does not condone breaking and entering into other people's property.

Kick-off: 7.45pm.

Kicking off: 7.46pm.

Venue: Metalist Stadium, Kharkiv.

Team news Bert van Marwijk is going for broke, picking both Rafael van der Vaart and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar ahead of Mark van Bommel and Ibrahim Afellay. About time too, will be the cries from the Dutch fans. It will be intriguing to see where Sneijder, Van der Vaart, Robben and Van Persie are positioned. Ron Vlaar also replaces Johnny Heitinga in the centre of defence. Portugal line up with Cristiano Ronaldo and 10 others as expected.

Portugal: Patricio; Pereira, Alves, Pepe, Coentrao; Veloso, Moutinho, Meireles; Nani, Postiga, Ronaldo. Subs: Eduardo, Custodio, Almeida, Quaresma, Nelson Oliveira, Ricardo Costa, Rolando, Ruben Micael, Varela, Miguel Lopes, Hugo Viana, Beto.

Holland: Stekelenburg; Van der Wiel, Mathijsen, Vlaar, Willems; De Jong, Sneijder; Robben, Van der Vaart, Van Persie; Huntelaar. Subs: Vorm, Heitinga, Bouma, Van Bommel, Kuyt, Schaars, Strootman, Luuk De Jong, Narsingh, Afellay, Boulahrouz, Krul.

Referee: Nicola Rizzoli (Italy)

Tonight's permutations are neatly summarised by Uefa here. Confused? Good.

• Germany are not quite through, but will be as group winners (meaning a match against Greece in Gdansk) if they draw. They will be knocked out, though, if they lose to Denmark by any result other than a one-goal defeat in which Germany score at least two AND [their caps not mine] Portugal win.

• Denmark will progress with any win. A draw will only be good enough if Portugal lose. If Denmark lose they are out.

• Portugal will be through with victory unless Denmark win by a one-goal margin (other than 2-1 and 1-0). They will progress with a draw unless Denmark win. Portugal will also be through if they lose by a one-goal margin and Denmark are also beaten.

• The Netherlands must win by a two-goal margin and hope Denmark also lose to finish second and take on the Czech Republic in Warsaw.

Silvestre Varela's late winner for Portugal against Denmark on Wednesday actually kept Holland in the tournament for the time being, and yet could ultimately be a contributory factor in their exit. Huh? Football is confusing.

It's Portugal v Holland, one of the biggest games in international football. ITV, in amongst all the ad breaks, are going to talk about Wayne Rooney. This has to stop. It isn't good enough.

Pre-match email.

"I'm glad you described the 2006 edition of Portugal v Holland as a guilty pleasure," says Matt Dony. "Judging by the build up, I was beginning to think I was the only person hoping for a repeat. There's been some great football and some great drama, now we need one proper ding-dong of a game. And anyway, as I remember it, most of the fouls last time were frustrated, tetchy, childish efforts rather than genuine career-ending assaults. Just occasionally, I feel this should be encouraged. It keeps everyone on their toes."

"I don't understand," says Nigel Anderson. "How can Holland still get through?
Russia went out despite better goal difference than Greece because of their head-to-head result. If the Netherlands and Denmark each end up with 3 points, Denmark beat them head-to-head so it wouldn't matter if the Dutch put a hundred past Portugal. Only, apparently, it does." Yes, but all teams would be on three points and Portugal beat Denmark, so it goes to goal difference. If Holland win by two goals and Denmark lose, their goal difference will be the best.

"Don't you mean "Legal disclaimer: guardian.co.uk does not condone rash
experimentation with Telepods due to sexual jealousy about Geena
Davis"?" says Marie Meyer. No, don't project your hang-ups on to me.

Here come the teams. No one's headbutted anyone yet. Well done! Well done! There'd been a beheading or two by this point in 2006. They're losing their touch. They've gone soft.

Counting Man does his Countdown Act and we're off. Portugal, in their red and green and attacking from left to right, get us going. Holland are in moody black. Are they goths? The first foul arrives after 36 seconds, and it's courtesy of Hatchet Man Van der Vaart on Raul Meireles. That'll be down to that London rivalry.

2 min: It's before the watershed, so the ITV scoreline says PORHOL, rather than PORNED. And this is a family website too, so none of your smut. "Evening Jacob! I'm really starting to enjoy this new qualification system," says Colt Kennedy. "I was linked this delightful chart showing the full glory of the qualifications. It's subtexted in German but you get the gist. And yes, it's correct. A 3-2 win for Denmark puts both Denmark and Germany through, regardless of result in the other brawl-to-be. 45/1 on Paddy Power too, so I guess no-one has noticed. Anyone feeling lucky?"

3 min: Wesley Sneijder has started in a position on the left, with Van der Vaart and Van Persie inside. Not that Sneijder will be bombing up and down the left. He leaves that to the man behind him, Willems, who sees his cross from the left deflected, interesting Huntelaar. He's hustled away from it by Pepe and Patricio collects with any fuss.

4 min: Arjen Robben cuts inside from the right, on to his left foot and [MBM reporter reaches for the CTRL C and V keys] shoots over the bar. Hang on. Scrap that. CTRL V. CTRL V! Robben cuts inside from the right, on to his left foot and then releases Van der Wiel with a glorious backheel. His cross comes to Sneijder at the far post, but from a tight angle he wildly slashes a volley high and wide.

6 min: Moutinho is felled by a challenge in the middle of the Holland half. The Italian referee waves play on, perhaps mistakenly, but despite Postiga buzzing around the Holland area, Ronaldo is more interested in lambasting the referee, bellowing at him and stamping at his feet like an angry toddler, is toys well and truly thrown out of the pram. Eventually Portugal do get a free-kick, 30 yards from goal. Ronaldo will take it.

7 min: Ronaldo's free-kick takes a nick off the top of the wall and loops over for a corner on the left. That was his 99th shot for Portugal in an international tournament. He's scored five goals.

8 min: A brief moment of worry for Holland in their own area. They were unable to clear the corner properly and when it was wheeched back into the area, Postiga clattered into Stekelenburg as the goalkeeper came out to claim the ball. It spun clear for Bruno Alves, who clipped an effort towards the empty net from the right, the ball just clearing the bar. It wouldn't have counted though, a foul given against Postiga, but Holland's defending was rather suspect.

11 min: "That was never a free kick to Portugal just now," says Robin Hazlehurst. "Surely it should have been a scrum."

GOAL! Portugal 0-1 Holland (Van der Vaart, 11 min): They were calling for Rafael van der Vaart's inclusion in Holland, and how right they were. This is a peach of a goal from the recalled midfielder, who tonight captains Holland. Again Robben darted in from the right and again he unselfishly laid it off, this time to Van der Vaart on the edge of the area. He opened up his body and then curled a delicious shot with his left foot into the left corner, the ball bending beautifully past Rui Patricio's dive. A captain's goal.

13 min: That goal alone isn't enough for Holland though. They need to both score again and hope Germany beat Denmark. As it stands Germany and Denmark are still going through.

16 min: There's Ronaldo's century! He's released in acres of space down the left flank and charges at the retreating and exposed Vlaar. It's no contest at all, as he ducks inside, on to his right foot, and then clips the left post with a low right-footer from the edge of the area. 100 shots, five goals. A 5 percent success rate. Have that, Lampard.

17 min: A wonderful defence-splitting pass from Gregory van der Wiel releases Helder Postiga in behind the Holland defence. Hang on a minute ... Oh. Heaven knows what the Holland right-back was thinking of here, as his dreadful backpass sent Postiga through on goal. He didn't have the pace to really get clear though, and his scuffed finish allowed Stekelenburg to make the save, conceding a corner in the process.

18 min: Portugal got away with one here. Nani went over to take the corner and then just tried to fool Holland, gently tapping it out of the quadrant, before running away and leaving it to Meireles. The corner had been taken, but Holland sussed the ruse, so Meireles put the ball back. That should have been handball. Instead he whipped it in to the far post, where Alves's header back into the six-yard box had to be cleared. The ball was sent back to Meireles at the far post, and he belted a volley into the side-netting. That was an excellent chance. Holland can't defend.

19 min: They really can't defend. Ronaldo breaks clear on the left again but his wonderful low cross somehow evades every Portugal attacker. Up the other end, Robben's shot from the right hits Huntelaar and Patricio saves.

20 min: The chances are coming at a furious pace. This is brilliant. First Robben tees up Van Persie, whose shot from the edge of the area is blocked. Portugal counter and Postiga breaks the offside trap again, only to delay his shot for ages, eventually allowing Vlaar to make a crucial challenge. He was six yards out with a clear sight of goal and still didn't shoot, the oaf.

21 min: Van der Vaart's corner from the right is headed over by De Jong from close range at the far post. He just couldn't jump high enough, else he surely would have scored. Are either side going to bother with defending here, or is it going to be a shambolic free-for-all? The latter please!

22 min: Another chance, another miss and more frustration for Ronaldo. Nani curls an excellent cross into the area from the right and Ronaldo powers in from the left, gets above his marker and bullets a header goalwards but straight down the throat of Stekelenburg, who pushes it away. A showy stop, but not as good as it looked.

25 min: Oof. This game is being played in the endearing attacking spirit that this tournament has trademarked, so I haven't had time to tell you that Germany took the lead through Lukas Podolski, only for Denmark to equalise through Michael Krohn-Dehli.

27 min: Sneijder cuts in from the left and hammers a shot at Patricio from 25 yards.

GOAL! Portugal 1-1 Holland (Ronaldo, 28 min): Take that, Messi! With his 102nd shot for Portugal in a major tournament, Cristiano Ronaldo scores his sixth goal for Portugal at a major tournament, a goal that currently has them heading through. It had to happen eventually, and Portugal fully merit this, because they have been the superior side since Holland's goal. The move started from a poor clearance from Willems, who allowed Portugal to come straight back at the creaking Dutch defence. Pereira scooted in from the right and then poked a reverse-pass through to Ronaldo, who had made a cracking run in from the left. He took a touch and then coolly clipped it past the helpless Stekelenburg from close range. What a game. Now Holland need at least two more.

30 min: Now Portugal are rampant. Ronaldo helps a pass on to Nani on the edge of the area. He shuffles inside on to his left foot and then cracks one just past the right post.

32 min: The opening half hour has flown by in a flash. This is what football's all about. All games should be like this.

33 min: Ronaldo is unplayable in this mood. He's being afforded so much time by the non-existent Holland midfield though, Nigel de Jong ploughing a lone furrow at the base of it. Ronaldo turns and then from fully 35 yards out, he smashes a shot that dips and swerves viciously in the air, but it's straight at Stekelenburg, who decides it's best just to beat it away.

35 min: Ronaldo is everywhere. A man on a mission tonight, determined to prove his critics wrong. Moutinho sends a corner into the area and he romps on to it, heading just past the right post. I've lost count of how many efforts he's had now, but he's surely going to score again if this continues. Holland have not got a solitary clue of how to handle him.

37 min: Van der Vaart is no defensive midfielder. Nani makes a complete fool out of him on the right and wins a free-kick after a clumsy foul by the Holland midfielder. This match is only going one way.

38 min: Veloso catches everyone by surprise by curling a shot just over the bar. Stekelenburg probably had it covered though. "I haven't forgiven the Dutch for their World Cup final assault on Brazil, let alone their 2006 warm-up for it," says Ian Copestake. "But if the results could somehow contrive to send Germany out then all will be forgiven. I realise how these competitons bring the worst out in me."

39 min: What's been notable when Ronaldo has struggled for Portugal is that he's been given little time or space by the opposition, but Holland's predicament has compelled them to open up, and the consequence of that is that Ronaldo is taking them to the cleaners, largely because poor Nigel De Jong is having to contend with the entire Portugal midfield on his own.

40 min: The traffic has been so one-way that I can't remember the last time Huntelaar or Van Persie touched the ball. Or Holland had an attack.

41 min: Outrageous skill from Ronaldo, as he lets a high pass drop over his shoulder, before effortlessly plucking it out of the sky and bursting past Van der Wiel as if it was the easiest thing in the world, as if it was a simple five-yard pass. He steams down the left and into the area, faces up Van der Wiel but then skews a shot well wide with his left.

43 min: Nani is also having a very good game and is giving Willems a torrid time whenever he sees the ball. He puts in another decent cross here, but Ronaldo can't quite reach it. "This tournament is brilliant madness," says Phil Sawyer. "When did football get exciting again? Did I miss a memo?"

44 min: "Hate to moan at a man under time pressure and doing me a much-appreciated service for free, but why the reluctance to describe the goals (including Jiracek last night)?" says Jordan Pickering. "Is there somewhere we're able to see such highlights and I just missed the memo?"

If the goal descriptions aren't showing up, press F5. There's a problem with the auto-refresh tool.

45 min: This is without doubt the best international tournament since Euro 2000 - but is it better than Euro 2000? That was a superb month of football and it's arguable that the overall standard was higher.

Half time in The Cristiano Ronaldo Show: Portugal 1-1 Holland. Wow. That was a terrifying performance from Cristiano Ronaldo and as it stands Portugal are going through, while Holland are going out. Holland started well and caught Portugal cold with Rafael van der Vaart's pearler, but since then Portugal have delighted in the wide open spaces left by the non-existent Holland midfield. Ronaldo has been the star of the show, putting in the best individual performance of the tournament so far. Holland need to score two, but the way this is going, Ronaldo is going to fill his boots.

Geography corner. "Why do you call it Holland?" says Peter Scott. "Why does ITV call it Holland? North and South Holland make up less than half of the population of the country of The Netherlands, representatives of whom are currently playing a football match against Portugal. Aargh!"

I'm merely following orders. The Guardian style guide has it thus:

Holland should not be used to mean the Netherlands (of which it is a region), with the exception of the Dutch football team, who are conventionally known as Holland.

"Why don't you just type the full goal description as a new update? Then you won't have any problem with autorefresh," says Tom Smith. "(I wonder this every single time the auto-refresh problem gets mentioned.)" Because sometimes it's easier to let you know a goal has been scored, give the minimum detail and then add more once we've seen the replays.

The table as it stands: Germany and Portugal are both going through, Germany as group winners with seven points. However if Portugal score again and Denmark win 2-1 – it's 1-1 at half time in the other game – Germany would be out. It only takes two goals. As it stands, for Denmark to draw and go through, they need Holland to win, but only by a goal. Holland need to score twice and hope Germany win. Confused? Good. Me too.

Heresy. "No, sorry, I don't get Ronaldo," says Andrew Mullinder. "All he's doing is shooting every time he gets it. 40 yards out? Shoot. Terrible angle? Shoot. Edge of the box with two teammates near the penalty spot in space? Cut back and shoot rather than cross it. He reminds me of one of my mates who, when we went clubbing, would proposition literally every woman he saw until one said yes, and then would brag about how successful he was with the ladies. Well, yes, but... no." You don't get Ronaldo? What's to get? How many goals did he score last season? How many trophies has he inspired his club sides to?

46 min: Here we go again. If the second half is only half as pulsating as the first half was, we're in for a treat.

47 min: The Holland defence crumbles more easily than a piece of extra mature cheddar (the tastiest of cheeses). Nani scoops a Scholes-style pass over the defence to Ronaldo, whose attempt to place a careful shot into the far corner is blocked. "Actually, funnily enough, the dutch themselves call for their country in football with "Hup Holland" even though the country is called "Nederland" in dutch," says Joao Sousa Andre. "By the way, Holland comes from old some dutch name meaning Wood Land."

49 min: A defensive header falls to Moutinho in space on the edge of the Holland area, but his wonky volley flies well over.

50 min: Sneijder pings a cross into the area. It's flicked on by Mathijsen but Van Persie, despite being onside and all alone in the area, can't reach it.

50 min: This might be the first ugly challenge I've seen in this tournament, as Willems rashly goes scything into the back of Moutinho, wrapping his legs around the Portuguese midfielder. He's lucky to only get a booking and Moutinho, though able to continue, needs treatment. Willems will miss the quarter-final if Holland go through.

53 min: A short corner routine between Robben and Sneijder ends with Vlaar shouldering the cross over the bar from 12 yards out. He was unmarked, should have scored and he knows it as well.

54 min:"Any chance for us Danes that Holland/the Nederlands/dutch will do what we warnt them to do..?" says Sune Falther. Perhaps. They've dominated the early period of this second half and certainly have the firepower to score again.

55 min: Moutinho, all better after that Willems challenge, shoots from 25 yards out but doesn't catch it cleanly, dragging the shot harmlessly wide. "Surely the Holland defence crumbles more easily than a piece of Lancashire (the crumbliest of cheeses)?" says Phil Sawyer.

57 min: More cheese chat. "How easily does a piece of extra mature cheddar crumble?" says Stuart Ardern. Really easily, especially if not cut with proper technique. "Is it, for instance, as crumbly as Cheshire cheese or Caerphilly? What about Lancashire cheese, which comes in three grades called "Creamy", "Crumbly" and "Extra Tasty"?" I'm going to have to test out the Lancashire. Do they sell it in "shops"?

58 min: "Re: the accusation that Ronaldo is one-dimensional," says Christopher Burke. "He was third on Real Madrid in league assists last season, with 12 (di Maria had 15, Ozil 17). Contrast that to Robben, a player who is truly one dimensional (5 assists in the league season for Bayern last year)."

59 min: Now Mario Gomez is good, we need a new donkey. I nominate Huntelaar, who has done absolutely bugger all (unless he scores).

60 min: GOAL! NO! WAIT! DISALLOWED! Ronaldo's cross-shot from the left finds Postiga six yards out and he turns it past Stekelenburg, but it's correctly disallowed for offside.

61 min: "There's a proper technique for cutting extra mature cheddar?" says Phil Sawyer. "Those Guardian style guides get ever more complex." Yeah. It's really dependent on the knife too. It's been less crumbly since I changed knives.

63 min: This is much more even than the first half now, Holland much tighter at the back. Like a tough cheese.

64 min: Portugal make their first change, the exciting Nelson Oliveira, who gave Germany plenty of problems, on for Spurs legend Helder Postiga. "Has anyone noticed that Cristiano Ronaldo changed his hairstyle during halftime?" says Justin Demmerle. "He must either be an expert at multitasking or Bento's halftime talk was mighty short." I think one of the Portuguese subs has to act as his stylist.

65 min: Holland are losing belief. Van Persie, who has been so disappointing, has a pop from 25 yards out. Alves gets in the way.

65 min: Nigel de Jong flattens Raul Meireles with a thuddering but fair challenge. Holland refuse to put the ball out of play, but typically of them in this tournament, they almost end up conceding because of it. When they lose the ball, Ronaldo leads a brilliant counter up the left flank, leaving two Holland defenders trailing in his wake. He cuts inside and then finds Coentrao with a cute pass on the edge of the area. He tries to Van der Vaart it in, but Stekelenburg pats it aside for a corner, which will be delayed while Meireles receives treatment.

66 min: Ibrahim Afellay comes on for Jetro Williams, so Holland are now playing with three defenders plus Nigel de Jong at the back. Anyone else expecting Portugal to score from a counter-attack?

70 min: "A tough cheese?" says Peter Harmer. "An Edam perhaps, very tight but also a little elastic. It's the 'total football' of the cheese world." Did you know that edam is cheese made backw [SNIP! Guardian.co.uk Humour Editor]

71 min: Portugal have been a pleasant surprise in this tournament. A turgid bore at the World Cup, they have attacked with considerable elan in this tournament, particularly tonight.

72 min: What a miss from Luis Nani! Ronaldo takes advantage of the wide open spaces left by Holland on the left flank. He rolls a pass across the face of goal that left Nani with absolutely nothing to do, but incredibly he clipped his shot straight at Stekelenburg from three yards out! How on earth did he mess that? Meanwhile Raul Meireles can't continue. On comes Custodio.

GOAL! Portugal 2-1 Holland (Ronaldo, 74 min): As predicted Holland are punished on the counter-attack and Ronaldo has shown Nani how to deal with a simple chance in some style. An aimless Holland attack broke down, Sneijder and Van der Vaart losing it between them. Immediately Portugal broke, Moutinho finding Nani in oodles of space down the right flank. He clipped a sublime pass from right to left towards Ronaldo. He could have hit it first time, but a gentleman always takes his time, and he took the chance in swaggering fashion, cutting inside to leave Van der Wiel on his backside before slamming it into the bottom-left corner from close range. He has been outstanding. Up the other end, Sneijder and Van der Vaart are having a row. The Dutch arguing amongst themselves. Who knew?

76 min: The upshot of that Ronaldo goal is that a Denmark goal would knock Germany out. Best. Tournament. Ever. Man.

77 min: Nani torments Holland again, sliding a low cross into the six-yard box that just evades Pereira. Stekelenburg is there.

79 min: Holland are a collection of individuals, whereas Portugal have a pleasing balance to them. 20 yards out, Oliveira ignores Ronaldo to his left and hits a useless shot wide. He's got some learning to do, this kid. "Well, since you ask, I once found Lancashire cheese in Trader Joe's store in Sunnyvale, California," says Stuart Ardern. "The guy on the checkout said "we sell quite a lot of exotic cheeses". This is the first time that Lancashire has ever been called exotic. (Yes, it can be found in English shops, but Lancaster market is more reliable.)"

80 min: Alves heads a corner back across goal, and Oliveira heads straight at Stekelenburg. Holland are a rabble.

81 min: Scrap any thoughts of Germany going out: Lars Bender has put them 2-1 up against Denmark, which all but seals Portugal's progression. So the first two quarter-finals are going to be Germany v Greece and Portugal v Czech Republic.

82 min: Van der Vaart nearly scores a carbon copy of his first goal, only in reverse. This time he curls it with his right foot from 25 yards out. Patricio might as well not have bothered diving, but Van der Vaart is so unlucky to see it clang back off the inside of the post.

85 min: Another lightning Portuguese raid nearly brings them a third goal. Pereira plays Nani through on goal, but his attempted chip lands on the roof of the net. Or was it a cross to Ronaldo? Either way it wasn't very good.

86 min: Holland have disintegrated. Nani has another dig from 20 yards out but balloons it over. Up the other end, Huntelaar, the New Galoot, volleys wide of the left post after a poor defensive header had fallen his way.

87 min: Nani off, Rolando on.

88 min: Van Persie was many people's tip for top scorer, including this writer. Oh dear. Through on goal again thanks a to a Sneijder through-ball, the eedjit abjectly toe-pokes miles wide with his left from 16 yards out. Dearie me. What's happened to him in this tournament? "What's going on here, Jacob?" says Mario Rustan. "You made fun of Ronaldo's shots to goals ratio (not that anything wrong with that) and he scores two tonight. Then you point out that Germany could get knocked out and here they score. Anyway, do Sneijder and Pereira see something revolting under the ball? Some cheese, perhaps?"

90 min: Ronaldo nearly completes his hat-trick. He makes space for the shot with his left foot on the edge of the area, but it pings back off the face of the post with Stekelenburg beaten and rooted to the spot. This has easily been the best individual performance by anyone so far. Absolutely awesome.

90 min+1: There will be four more minutes of purgatory for Holland. A song to send them on their way.

90 min+3: Joao Pereira has been booked for something or other. "The Portuguese defense must definitely be the best (at most 2nd best) in the Euros," says Ashwini Dubey. "Pepe has been a beast in every game. Best centre back in Europe? Coentrao and Alves have been brilliant too." This.

Full time: Portugal 2-1 Holland. Bye Holland! Bye! You won't be missed, not this time, not at this tournament. Quite frankly, they've stunk the place out and exit with three defeats from three games, perhaps their worst ever showing at a major tournament. A miserable Bert van Marwijk stands on the touchline, a disbelieving look on his face, wondering where it all went wrong. The clues were there tonight: Holland were a bunch of talented strangers, while an effervescent Portugal were so much more than the sum of their parts and fully deserved their win. To be fair, they also had Cristiano Ronaldo in unstoppable form, which tends to be quite useful. He answered his critics with two fine goals to cap a fantastic display and if he continues in this form, Portugal have no reason to fear anyone. They end the group with six points and will play the Czech Republic in the last eight. Thanks for reading. Bye.