Today, more than a year after the Fiver smugly revealed that a man who manages a football club once said something that kind of contradicted something else he'd said several months previously, forcing the prime minister to establish the Leveson inquiry, Lord Justice Leveson has published his eagerly-awaited report into the culture, practices and ethics of the football press. Among other big shouts in the executive summary of his report the Fiver asked for so it wouldn't have to wade through the stapler-busting long version, Leveson called for …
• A wider selection of fresh fruit in that big bowl on the Sunday Supplement breakfast table.
• A ban on interviews from foreign papers being rehashed by tabloids and labelled "exclusive".
• Careful now.
• More mockery of English footballers trying to forge careers in a foreign country.
• Unopenable driver-side windows on any vehicle likely to be purchased by 'Arry Redknapp.
• Down with this sort of thing.
• A rethink on whether or not Brendan Rodgers is the second coming of José Mourinho.
• Funnier satirical bullet points in the Fiver.
• More penalties for Liverpool.
Actually, come to think of it, it was actually Brendan Rodgers who called for more penalties for Liverpool, using his now customary moan about referees to express disbelief that his team could have played 14 Premier League matches this season and not been awarded a single spot-kick. "We know we need to be more clinical but to arrive at this stage of the season and not have had a penalty – I don't know what the players have to do," he harrumphed after Liverpool's defeat at the hands of Tottenham Hotspur, prompting smart-alecs everywhere to shout: "Get them to stop faffing around ineffectively in the middle third and spend some time in the opposition's box!"
Liverpool had two decentish penalty shouts last night: Rodgers' wail that Moussa Dembele's tackle on Stevie Mbe was "bordering on assault" was an insult to ABH merchants everywhere, while the Fiver has seen 15 replays of William Gallas's tackle on Luis Suarez and still doesn't know if it should have been a penalty, due in no small part to the involvement of serial triple axel with pike's Luis Suarez. It seems the only way to sort this mess out is to have some sort of inquiry, perhaps chaired by some bored and impartial Lord Justice who's suddenly discovered he has plenty of time on his hands.
"When the FA president called me last Tuesday and confirmed that I was the chosen one, I thanked him a thousand times" – Big Phil Scolari mistakes himself for the messiah, or Anakin Skywalker, or Neo, or Harry Potter, rather than the boring old (and new) new Brazil manager.
"Re: Uefa's plans to expand Big Cup (yesterday's Fiver). Well, at least it will clear up one conundrum: I've always wondered if it was possible for Manchester United's traditional gimme groups to get any easier … and now they can" – Paul Cantwell.
"Never mind what the two songs for the Fiver might be (yesterday's Fiver letters), this man appears to have a pack of Post-it notes branded with AK-47s (or some other form of automatic rifle. I'm no expert). That scares me a little" – Pete Baker.
"Every time I open a new issue of the Fiver, I start my iTunes-version of this dazzling tune. Could it be appointed official national anthem of Fiverland?" – Lars Bøgegaard.
"Surely the only choice is Only the Lonely by Roy Orbison. It would make a nice segway with the Guardian Soulmates" – Noeleen Fox.
"Further to yesterday's Fiver flashback to 2001, I couldn't help but notice that the format has not changed in 11 years. Surely now is the time to upgrade and to get more with-it. You should open up a suggestions slot for subject matters to accompany the standard fare" – Marc Meldrum [like an email address, Twitter account or some other newfangled contraption? – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to firstname.lastname@example.org. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. And to placate certain readers, the Fiver awards prizeless Fiver letter o' the day to: Andrew Carter.
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
The three Ballon d'Or finalists have been announced. Cristiano Ronaldo and Andrés Iniesta will clap politely (well, one of them will) when Lionel Messi is unveiled as winner on 7 January.
Mr Roy admits he would be happy to settle for a place in the play-offs to qualify for the 2014 World Cup finals in Brazil. "I can assure the England football fans there is nothing the players want more [than to qualify]," he warbled. "They would have been more than happy to play a World Cup on the Galapagos Islands, let alone Brazil," he added, noting Gary Cahill's interest in evolution and dead big tortoises.
Little known transfer-window tease David Beckham says he may play in the Premier League again. "I've always said I think I would struggle to come back and play in England because I've played for the biggest club in the world, the biggest club in England, Manchester United," he said, raising hopes that the saga would end there. "But you never know," he added, dashing those hopes cruelly.
AVB says Gareth Bale's form for Spurs is VG. "He takes over the whole of the left wing," gasped AVB as the comedy own-goal hero shoved aside Dennis Skinner and Leon Trotsky. "He helps the full-back so much."
Police are investigating after Wolves boss Stale Solbakken's car was daubed with paint outside his apartment last night. "For me this does not affect in any way the good reaction I have had from Wolves supporters since I have been at the club," parped Solbakken, effectively revealing the tone of the daubing.
And Israel president Shimon Peres has guaranteed that the European U-21 championship in the country next year "will be more secure and tranquil" than if it was in London.
We actually learned 685 things from the midweek fixtures, but only 10 of them were interesting so click here to find out the shortlist.
Ronald Koeman, pass masters and Felipe Melo in goal all have (non-paid) starring roles in this week's Classic YouTube round-up.
Chas & Dave, the Quo and other football songs: test your knowledge in our quiz.
And Aleksandar Manasiev reports (from two places, no less) how the Balkans' political football keeps hooligans close to the heart of power.