FULL TIME: England 0-2 Chile
And that's that! Another 2-0 win for Chile at Wembley. And that was a bit of a lesson for Roy Hodgson's team, who depart to a smattering of boos. Ah well, you can't play Montenegro and Poland every week.
90 min +5: Fuenzalida tries to thread a shot into the bottom left from the inside right. Then Rooney attempts to curl one into the top right from the inside left. Neither effort is much cop.
GOAL!!! England 0-2 Chile (Sanchez 90+4)
Cahill gives the ball away in midfield. Diaz takes a few strides into the England half, then slides the ball down the inside left to Sanchez, who draws Forster and dinks a delightful chip into the net. No more than Chile deserve, if truth be told. I told you this wouldn't end 0-1.
90 min +3: Sanchez has the chance to shoot from the edge of the D, but his touch is heavy and England stream upfield. Townsend romps towards the Chilean half, but he's cynically checked by Mena, who takes his booking.
90 min +2: Sanchez twists and turns down the left, buying himself enough time to wait for Mena to arrive on the overlap. He sends the left back into the area. His low shot is gathered by Forster, who hasn't had much to do in the second half. But, as in the first period, hasn't done much wrong.
90 min +1: There will be five added minutes of this. The first goes by pretty quietly.
90 min: Rooney, Henderson, Baines and Barkley string a few passes together in Chilean territory, moving the ball this way and that, but it's all in front of the visiting defence.
88 min: Townsend flicks a simple pass out of play down the right. England's qualification hero has done little since coming on tonight.
86 min: Rooney sliderules a ball down the inside right and nearly releases the bright Barkley into the area. Gonzalez comes across the front of the young England midfielder, and buys a clever free kick. England nearly unlocked Chile there, though.
84 min: A brilliant and determined run by Barkley, who sashays down the left past a couple of (admittedly half-arsed) challenges, then nearly finds a couple of white shirts in the middle with a low pullback. Not quite. But there hasn't been much positivity from England tonight, and that's one of the few exceptions.
82 min: Fuenzalida is on for Beausejour.
81 min: Roy Hodgson is sitting back in his seat, Sam Allardyce style, with a face on. England have been dismal tonight. Can they salvage something from this?
80 min: Chile with the sterile domination now. So here's another email from Phil Sawyer, this one with a subject heading of Hindsight: "24th min: I'll be very surprised if this ends 0-1. About that..." It's a fair cop, I was talking out the top of my hat. Luckily I didn't promise to eat it. No Lieutenant Commander Tommy Woodrooffe me!
77 min: Another England change. Barkley comes on for Lallana.
76 min: The Chilean fans are giving it plenty of olé! at the moment. This is probably pressing a lot of Rod Stewart's buttons.
74 min: Yes, it's them again, Chile, with more of the passing.
71 min: Lampard gives the captain's armband to Rooney, as he's for the off. As is Wilshere. Cleverley and Henderson come on to make up the numbers. There's a swap for Chile too, with Munoz replacing Vargas.
68 min: Beausejour and Wilshere square up in the middle of the park after a light tussle. It's hardly Humberto Maschio versus Honorino Landa, and the referee treats the situation with the utter disdain it deserves.
66 min: Defoe comes on for Milner. "How about a tune to liven things up?" asks Ben Freeman. OK. What have you got?
God help this England team
The worst I've ever seen
God help this team.
Guileless and ponderous
Inclined to park the bus
God help this team.
Marvellous. All we need is to give the dots to the University of Southern California Trojan Marching Band, and get their sousaphone player soused, and we've got a jaunty record that could challenge the Chilean anthem for the coveted Christmas number one slot.
64 min: Actually, scrub that regarding fannying around. Jara's put the heed into Smalling's coupon! I mean, by 1962 World Cup standards, it's all very soft, but the referee's been highly lenient there. Lallana's corner is useless, though the ball breaks to Johnson on the edge of the area. He blooters a shot over the bar.
63 min: Baines tries to flip one into the top right, but it's a pretty lame effort, and the ball deflects off the wall and away for a corner on the left. Before it's taken, Smalling and Jara are both booked for general fannying around.
62 min: A free kick to England, right on the edge of the Chile area. Medel is looking to clear, but his touch is heavy, and he's forced to lunge in on Wilshere, as the midfielder's about to make off with the ball. This is a promising position for sure, just to the right of the D. Lampard, not for the first time tonight, fancies this, but Rooney and Baines have flung their hats into the ring too.
60 min: Jara comes on for Isla. He takes an age to put his boots on before taking the stage. Do people not forward plan these days?
58 min: Lampard had won a corner before the substitutions. Lallana hoicks it in from the left, but it's claimed well by Bravo. The keeper clatters to the floor under a challenge from Cahill, but the defender - on a yellow now, remember - has done nothing wrong. He was facing the other way when the keeper jumped over his head and fell to earth. That doesn't stop Chile complaining to the referee in the dialectic style.
57 min: A double change for England. Townsend and Smalling replace Rodriguez and Jones.
55 min: Cahill is rightly booked for a ridiculous clatter into Gutierrez. A totally pointless foul.
54 min: After a few triangulations, Mena whips a cross into the box from the left. Forster parries, but his handling isn't all that. The ball's hacked clear.
53 min: Chile have removed all the heat from this stadium. They're in complete control.
50 min: Unlucky for England here. Lampard, Lallana and Rooney shuttle forward, exchanging passes as they scoot down the inside-right channel. Eventually Rooney sends Lallana into space in the area, and he's only stopped from causing damage by a stunning sliding challenge by Diaz. The first corner isn't much to write home about, though it does lead to another corner, which is wasted. England have tried a couple of clever-clever short corners tonight, and both of them have ended in total farce. England have many strengths, but clever-clever is not an option in their back pocket.
49 min: Chile begin to press England back again, probing down both wings. Nothing quite coming together for them yet in this half. But the "crowd", perhaps having expected a high-tempo start to the half from the home side - have fallen very quiet.
47 min: Lampard loops a pass down the right wing for Rooney, who is in plenty of space. But he hesitates, and instead of shooting tries to cut back for Lallana. Chile clear for a corner, and the set piece is a waste of everyone's time. In this respect, it's lucky Wembley looks far from full this evening.
A couple of half-time changes for Chile - Gutierrez and Carmona for Fernandez and Aranguiz - and we're off again! England get the ball rolling for the second period. "How great would half-time at Wembley be with the Trojan marching band on hand?" is Nick Roe's rhetorical question. "I went to USC as an undergrad in the mid-90s and can I just say that it was everything you might imagine the experience to be, perhaps ever better, having an English accent. Anyway, the band has always been amazing and watching college football games with 100,000 people puts most British sporting experiences to shame."
HALF-TIME ENTERTAINMENT: One of the high points in Chile's World Cup history, or one of their low points, depending on how pious you are.
HALF TIME: England 0-1 Chile
And that's that for the half. England will be hoping Roy Hodgson is about to deliver some trenchant tactical advice, rather than another stand-up routine. Chile were the bosses of that half.
45 min +1: Sanchez slides a pass down the left to release Beausejour into space. One of the great philosophical conundrums: can you get in behind a defensive line that doesn't exist? Luckily for England, Beausejour's effort is neither shot nor cross.
44 min: England's best move of the match. Wilshere takes a high ball down in the centre circle and sweeps a pass down the inside left for Rooney. Rooney cuts inside and fires a low pass across to Lallana, who strides into the box and aims for the bottom left. The ball's deflected out of play for a corner, from which nothing comes. That was a slick move, and may give England some succour with the second half in mind. They need it, tell the truth.
43 min: Rooney contests a high ball in the Chilean area, but he's got his hands all over Medel's back, and that's both a free kick, and another opportunity to become animated and annoyed.
42 min: Lallana picks up a loose pass in the middle of the park and makes good for the area. Sanchez cynically clips him over. England attempt a clever one by stroking the ball down the right for Johnson instead of shooting, but naw naw naw. Chile race upfield, and for a second Vargas looks like he's going to break clear into the area, chasing after a forensic hoof by Aranguiz, but he can't quite get the ball under control. Another shaky moment for England.
40 min: Pictures of the match, anyone?
38 min: Wilshere tries to get something going for England, by nutmegging Aranguiz and reaching the byline. Isla slides in to concede a corner. Jones meets the set piece, 12 yards out, but his attempt to guide a shot into the bottom right flies well wide of the post. That's a little better from England, though, who after that early burst of energy haven't achieved much at all.
37 min: Rodriguez tries to sidefoot an effort into the bottom right from the left-hand corner of the box. There was no force behind the pea-roller whatsoever. Frustration is all around.
34 min: More possession for Chile. Rooney tries to press Gonzalez, then Medel, then Isla. The ball's shuttled back to Bravo, then away from the England striker, who then flounces in the dramatic style using both arms and the word EFF. He's seen very little of the ball. Chile are dominant at the moment.
31 min: Chile stream forward, shuttling the ball right to left as England scuttle back in panic. Suddenly, Beausejour is clear in the area, just to the left of the goal! But he hesitates, then takes a heavy touch, then panics, and allows Forster to come out and narrow the angle. Beausejour turns and tries to feed a team-mate in the centre, but he can't make it work. What a chance spurned. England's defence was in sorry tatters then, a risible business, though the plus point is that Forster kept his head in a crisis.
29 min: A corner for Chile, after Lallana clatters through Mena down the left. The ball's whipped to the far post, where Medel balloons a header over the bar from ten yards. England don't look all that clever at the back, either. See 24 minutes: this surely isn't going to end 0-1.
27 min: Chile take the sting out of the game by enjoying a period of possession at the back.
24 min: Rooney bustles with extreme prejudice down the middle, winning a ball he doesn't really have a right to win. The ball breaks to Wilshere, who sends a rising heatseeker towards the top left. But Bravo is behind it all the way, and his iron-wristed parry flies clear of danger. Chile don't appear to be that interested in defending. I'll be very surprised if this ends 0-1.
22 min: England are getting back into this now. Milner plays a one-two with Rooney on the edge of the area, just by the left-hand side of the D, and sees his shot deflected over the bar. The corner causes a flurry of panic in the Chile box, but Medel eventually hacks clear.
20 min: Beausejour is booked for a late clip on Wilshere, who was powerfully making his way down the middle of the park. That's a free kick, 30 yards out, and Lampard fancies it. It's ambitious, but thanks to a little nick off the wall, his effort causes Bravo a bit of bother. It's swirling through the air towards the top left. Bravo tips over, but only just. The resulting corner? No good!
17 min: England are struggling to hold onto possession again, and the crowd are falling silent. Roy Hodgson comes to the touchline, he's got that look on his face, like someone's just pulled out in front of his company car and might not have had right of way.
14 min: England are looking a bit shaky at the back. The ball's slipped down the inside left for Beausejour, who takes a step into the box and lashes a shot towards the bottom-right corner. It's a test for a nervous Forster, but the keeper is up to the task, parrying clear with a strong hand. This is a fine start to a friendly football match.
12 min: Milner goes on a powerful run down the right wing. He uses every inch of the pitch, making it to the corner. It looks as though he's going to run the ball out of play, but wraps a foot around the ball and whizzes a delightful cross into the Chilean box. But there's nobody in the centre who's kept up with him, and Bravo is able to come off his line and claim confidently.
9 min: England respond well, Lallana finding a bit of space down the inside right channel and sending a low shot straight down the keeper's throat. There's a fine atmosphere in Wembley, despite that early shock for the home fans.
GOAL!!! England 0-1 Chile (Sanchez 7)
This has been a crazy start, and now look. Vargas is sent through down the middle, but instead of shooting on the penalty spot, he cushions the ball back for Aranguiz. His shot is blocked, but Beausejour feeds the ball out left for Mena, who whips a cross into the middle, where Sanchez guides/powers a header into the bottom left. Poor Fraser Forster, who has done nothing wrong but is already picking the ball out of his net on his debut.
5 min: Forget that opening 100 seconds or so, this is a fine start by England! Rooney sends Milner free into acres down the right. His low whip into the centre is deflected towards his own goal by Isla. Bravo manages to hack the thing away from danger, but only just. That was so close to an own goal. What a strange start by Chile this has been.
3 min: So, having said that, England nearly get off to a flyer! A free kick on the left. Lallala whips it in. Jones meets it, guiding a brilliant header towards the top left corner. Bravo manages to palm the ball into the air, and Gonzalez is forced to head behind for a corner while standing on his own line. The resulting corner comes to nothing, failing to beat even the first man, but that's promising for England.
1 min 40 sec: England lose the ball. The only way is up.
1 min 33 sec: England get the ball! It's shuttled down the left wing for Rodriguez.
1 min: No possession for England yet.
And we're off! Chile get the ball rolling, in their gorgeous red shirts, white shorts and blue socks. England, as you know, are dressed as West Germany circa 1972. It is a good look, to be fair. "Looking at your big names benchwarmers list, it seems you don't place Cleverley in that category," notes Sally Officer, who would be right about that. "Good job he with the hair dryer is no longer in charge." Roberto Mancini? Didn't he fit a Babyliss in the changing room at the Etihad? I get confused.
Pre-match admin: Frank Lampard is handed some beige scrap fabric in a glass box. It's a gold cap, apparently. Hats off to Frank for reaching the 100 mark, anyway. Then it's the anthems! The English/British atrocity, well, y'know. But the Chilean effort is a stunning piece of work. Imagine Kurt Weill falling out of a bar at carouse o'clock, Shane McGowan, Jacques Brel, Tom Waits and Scott Walker spilling out after him, all singing a selection of their own hits at once, followed by the University of Southern California Trojan Marching Band, hammered, on each other's instruments, trying to reprise their bit from Fleetwood Mac's Tusk. It's sort of like that, only even better.
Altogether now! "Either the tomb of the free you will be, or the refuge against oppression! Or the refuge against oppression! Or the refuge against oppression!" Were these lyrics written by Mark E Smith?
England, with debuts for Fraser Forster, Adam Lallana and Jay Rodriguez, and captained by Frank Lampard on his 103rd appearance: Forster, Johnson, Cahill, Jones, Baines, Lallana, Lampard, Wilshere, Milner, Rodriguez, Rooney.
Subs, including a couple of big-name benchwarmers: Smalling, Ruddy, ☞☞☞ Cole☜☜☜, Gibbs, Jagielka, Barkley, Cleverley, Henderson, Townsend, Defoe, ☞☞☞ Hart☜☜☜.
Chile: Bravo, Mena, Gonzalez, Medel, Isla, Fernandez, Diaz, Aranguiz, Beausejour, Vargas, Sanchez.
Subs: Silva, Carmona, Gutierrez, Valdivia, Toselli, Rojas, Muñoz, Jara, Fernandes da Silva Vitoria, Fuenzalida, Herrera.
Referee: Florian Meyer (Germany)
We begin with some meteorological news. And the wind changed direction recently, which means Belgium are no longer the hipsters' choice as dark horses for the upcoming World Cup. It's Chile now. Everyone's just noticed Chile.
With good reason, mind. Jorge Sampaoli has certainly got the Chileans playing a bit of football. His first World Cup qualifier in charge earlier this year was a close and late defeat in Peru. Since then, his side have zipped to the finals in Brazil in spectacular style and with some panache to boot: five wins and a draw in their six remaining qualifiers, and the draw was the result of a preposterous capitulation upon taking a three-goal lead in Colombia (against, it should be noted, an equally in-form team). The hipsters are onto something here, you've got to give them credit. I know, I know, but don't scrunch your face up at the very idea, if the wind changes again you'll be stuck with it.
England will need to watch themselves tonight, certainly. It's not just the form book. History is not England's pal, either. In the colour television era, the Three Lions have three times tried to summon up a ROAR against Chile, only to come up with nothing more than a muted arf: two 0-0 draws during the 1980s, and a 2-0 home defeat in 1998 in which a swashbuckling Marcelo Salas stole the show. Before that, the teams met twice in the 405-line monochrome years: Tommy Taylor and Nat Lofthouse fired England to a 2-1 friendly win in Santiago in 1953, while England won the only competitive match between the sides, a 2-0 win at the 1950 World Cup finals.
Neither of those wins over Chile seemed to give England much succour, it must be said. Uruguay beat them in Montevideo a week after the 1953 victory, while four days after the win at the 1950 World Cup, England suffered one of the great humiliations, the infamous defeat to the USA in Belo Horizonte. The more superstitious among you will be hoping for one of those nice and quiet 0-0s, then, for the consequences of another victory might be too much to bear, with Germany coming to town next Tuesday.
Anyway, it's all just a bit of fun. England are safely on board the plane to Brazil next summer, so results don't matter too much. It's just a nice run out for some of the regulars, a try-out for a couple of hopefuls, and an opportunity for we spectators to sit back and appreciate
two one of the dark horses for the 2014 World Cup strutting their stuff. Enjoy, enjoy!
Kick off: 8pm for the poor saps freezing in London, 5pm for those of you lounging around in linen suits in Santiago.