Full time: Chelsea 3-0 Schalke
That's it! Aside from a tricky first 10 minutes, that was extremely comfortable for Chelsea, who have recovered impressively from that opening defeat to Basel and will surely go through even if they lose the return match in Switzerland. Thanks for your emails; goodnight.
90 min There will be four minutes of additional time-killing.
89 min Ramires is back on.
88 min Ramires and Jones are down after a clash of heads. Ramires wanders to the sideline, looking a little groggy. Chelsea may finish the game with 10 men. Can Schalke take advantage?
84 min Kolasinac hoofs Willian up in the air and brazenly flees the scene of the crime before the referee has chance to book him.
GOAL! Chelsea 3-0 Schalke (Ba 83)
Demba Ba scores his first Champions League goal. A long free-kick was chested down by Ba to Willian, backing up the play from the right. He moved it infield to Lampard, who clipped an excellent little pass over the defence, and Ba bobbled a left-footed volley across Hildebrand from 10 yards.
82 min The camera cuts to David Luiz, who is yawning. It's a bodily function!
81 min Frank Lampard comes on for Oscar, with hearty applause for both gentlemen from the home fans.
80 min Ramires does well to put Ba clear on the left side of the box, but his low sidefoot across goal is pretty tame and comfortably held by the plunging Hildebrand.
78 min Schalke's fans are still in belting voice. Chelsea make another substitution, with Kevin De Bruyne coming on for the impressive Andre Schurrle.
77 min Samuel Eto'o, the scorer of both goals, is replaced by Demba Ba.
76 min Schurrle swerves neatly away from Howedes and then runs Uchida, who cynically blocks him and is justly booked. Kevin-Prince Boateng is replaced by Sead Kolasinac, Schalke's final substitution.
74 min "Breaking news," says Simon McMahon. "Celtic, whose CL away record reads W0 D1 L9994, are losing in Amsterdam."
They've actually only lost 9992. You're bang out of order fiddling with statistics to support your flimsy arguments.
72 min The game is petering out. Chelsea are allowing Schalke to have the ball with a view to hitting them on the break. One such counter leads to a yellow card for Jones for a cynical bodycheck on Willian. Jones could have been booked earlier; he's been putting himself about zestily.
70 min Oscar has a goal disallowed. He was put through by Cahill and lobbed over Hildebrand, but he was a few yards offside.
67 min Another Schalke substitution: Max Meyer replaces Fuchs. Arsenal, meanwhile, are winning in Dortmund. Maybe Arsene does still know.
65 min Chelsea are cruising. Terry and Cahill have been in total control for all bar the first five minutes.
62 min Boateng reminds us he on the pitch with a nice return pass to Aogo, whose cross is headed behind for a corner. Fuchs's inswinger is dealt with by Azpilicueta.
61 min Draxler, Schalke's best player, limps off to be replaced by Christian Clemens.
60 min "Is it possible that Mourinho has simply be overtaken by Klopp as the darling of the Guardian-reading liberal intelligentsia's collective eye?" says Dan Lucas. "Tonight's eyesore of a match may be undermining my point somewhat, but his team looks nicer, their fans are more widely admired (or their right-wing minority is less reviled than the typical Chelsea fan perhaps?), and they're playing in the fashionable (in this case read "better") league. Plus Klopp gives far better copy these days; it's as if Jose feels he can't cope with that kind of volatile brilliance anymore. OK I've got a bit of a man crush."
Was Mourinho ever the darling of Guardian-reading liberals? I can't remember that far back.
58 min Another good pass from Willian finds Schurrle in a bit of space on the left, 20 yards from goal. He comes infield, past Uchida, and whips a low curler that is well saved by Hildebrand, plunging to his left to palm it away.
57 min That should be that. Chelsea are cruising into the last sixteen.
GOAL! Chelsea 2-0 Schalke (Eto'o 54)
This is a very accomplished goal from Samuel Eto'o. It came out of nothing. Willian beat Fuchs to a loose ball in the centre circle and hared straight for goal. As the suddenly exposed Schalke defence moved towards Willian he shifted the ball to the right to find Eto'o in the box. The first touch set him up perfectly to shoot at goal, and he swept a superb finish across Hildebrand and into the bottom corner.
52 min Cech makes an excellent save to deny Draxler! With Chelsea sucked over to the Schalke left, Jones played the ball to Draxler on the edge of the box, right of centre. He shifted the ball infield, away from Azpilicueta, and then drilled a low left-footed shot towards the far corner. Cech got down beautifully to touch it behind for a corner.
51 min The second half hasn't really started. Chelsea are controlling possession. Off the field, the Schalke fans are wiping the floor with Chelsea's.
49 min Draxler is back on the field. Chelsea keep the ball for a long period, a minute or so, before Willian is well tackled.
48 min Draxler is down, so Schurrle kicks the ball out of play. He should be fine to continue.
47 min "Mourinho," says Jason Brimmell. "Football is a pantomine and the Premiership needs someone like hime since Fergie left." Oh, absolutely. It's great to have him back. I just wish he'd start abusing people.
46 min Chelsea begin the second half; they're kicking from left to right.
"I think we forget that Mourinho has been at the top of the game for 10 years now, and that tactically the style that made him great – with a strong, bullying spine combined with athleticism on the wings – has been superseded by first Guardiola and Barca's tiki-taka and then its more athletic pressing based Teutonic cousins," says Mark Worgan. "Historically very few managers have continued to be incredibly successful, as is expected of him, 10 years after they built their initial great sides due to other incredibly talented managers creating and adapting tactically to defeat them. Still a very, very good manager, but perhaps not quite the all-conquering genius that he was in his first five years at the top. Even Fergie had a dip after a decade at the top before changing his team's style and returning to winning ways."
Yes, that's a good point. There are scarcely any good defenders in world football right now, and his Chelsea/Inter sides were full of them. Madrid were a very different side, who scored well over 400 goals in his three seasons. Maybe we don't know what a Mourinho side looks like any more.
Half-time: Chelsea 1-0 Schalke
A quiet half of football, with some decent play but few chances, and a sort-of-but-not-really freak goal from thew new Gary Crosby, Samuel Eto'o. See you in 10 minutes.
45 min "Can't agree with your mid-life/mid-career crisis interpretation of where Mourinho currently finds himself," says Julian Menz. "He left the love of his youth, went out into the world, sowed a few oats, proved what he can do, and was lucky enough to find that his one true love hadn't fallen in love with anyone else while he was putting it about. Now he wants to prove that he can make a family, maybe even build a dynasty. I expect he'll be around for a good few years to come. He knows exactly what he's doing. I can't see him dumping his dog on the RSPCA and buying a Harley anytime soon."
That's certainly one interpretation. I suppose it all depends whether you think he was desperate to succeed Sir Alex Ferguson.
42 min Schalke have the ball for 90 seconds before Fuchs's cross hits Ivanovic and rebounds for a throw-in. Draxler has been their best player. Chelsea's best players have probably been Terry, Schurrle and Hildebrand.
38 min Goals change games, especially when they are as absurd and avoidable as that. Chelsea are now as dominant as at any stage in the match. Mikel tries to dink a ball over the top for Schurrle. The backpedalling Howedes can only head it to the edge of the area, where Eto'o lashes the bouncing ball towards a goal. Hildebrand makes a comfortable save.
36 min "The world's best clubs don't want him because of all the drama, I reckon," says Anne Williams. "It's tiresome and distracting." Oh yes, I agree. Whether that's a fair judgement is another matter. There wasn't that much drama in his first spell at Chelsea, for example.
35 min A double attempt from Fuchs. His first shot from 15 yards was blocked, and the second, an optimistic lofted clip on the turn, was straight at Cech.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Schalke (Eto'o 31)
Samuel Eto'o scores another bizarre goal, and this time it's as legal as oxtail soup. Hildebrand, the goalkeeper, had the ball at his feet on the edge of the box, and faffed for an age. Then he faffed some more. Then he made a cup of tea, put a record on. Then he faffed a bit more. He was waving his hands around, like a midfielder waiting for some movement so he could play the right pass. You're not Xavi, pal! Just hoof it! Eto'o charged across, Hildebrand tried to clear, and the ball ricocheted off Eto'o's leg and into the net.
30 min "So it's all about Him again?" says Phil Podolsky. "Forget Jose for a sec, we seriously need to talk about Kevin. I mean, how many more fascinating players there are in world football? He's like this flawed but super complicated character, yeah? And there was that."
28 min Oscar plays a lovely short pass to find Ivanovic on the right of the box. His cutback is a disgrace and easily cleared.
26 min The crowd are a little restless. Chelsea have dominated the last 15 minutes, at least in terms of possession, but they haven't really got behind Schalke.
23 min"Hmm, didn't you once say that Mourinho's record breaking, Barcelona-dethroning 103+ points season was his greatest managerial achievement, Rob?" says Ryan Dunne. "Stand by it? He did seem overkeen to focus on that year in this month's Four Four Two interview (understandably perhaps; three years is pretty good going by Madrid manager standards!)"
Yes I think so, as I'm not sure anyone else, not even Ferguson, could have taken a title off that Barcelona team. But you could understand why Chelsea/Porto/Inter fans would disagree.
22 min Schurrle moves the ball infield from the left, 20 yards from goal, and curls a decent effort not far wide of the far post. Hildebrand had it covered and ushered it wide.
20 min ... and Schurrle draws a fine save from Hildebrand! It was a wobbling sidefoot, Drogba-style, and Hildebrand leapt to his right to beat it away with both hands.
19 min Draxler is booked for a tug on Azpilicueta, 25 yards from goal. The free-kick is in a great position, just left of centre...
17 min That's better from Chelsea, a long period of possession which ends with Eto'o misplaces his pass to Schurrle in the box.
16 min Chelsea have come into the game a little, although there has been no fluency yet.
14 min "He may not have scaled the dizzy heights with Madrid that was expected of him when he first went there, but of the current crop of managers available (and lets be honest Chelsea have tried the bulk of them) who would you swap him for other than Guardiola?" says John Morrissey. "I don't think you'd find many Chelsea fans who'd look to swap him for Moyes, I'm pretty certain you'd have a few United fans taking that trade though. Also, let's be honest, he's got a bit more of a job on his hands this time around."
That's kind of the point. He's probably the world's best manager, yet none of the world's best clubs want him, which is what is so interesting. He'll still win plenty with Chelsea of course.
12 min The Schalke fans have started even more impressively than their team. Every time a German side comes over here, their fans make a noise that should make every significant suit at the Premier League in the last 20 years hang their noggin in shame.
10 min Chelsea are all over the place at the moment, with Schalke much the more aggressive side. Ramires's challenge leads to a Schalke corner on the right. Aogo's inswinger is headed away assertively by Terry.
9 min Is Avram Grant available?
8 min Mikel loses the ball to the lively Draxler, who makes ground and eases the ball wide to Fuchs on the left, 25 yards from goal. He wallops an ambitious cross-shot comfortably wide.
7 min "I speak as a Chelsea fan but there's something not quite right about Mourinho this time round, something different about his stance and his arrogance," says Darren Atkinson. "Mou coming back to Chelsea is a bit like going back to that ex-girlfriend from your late teens or early twenties when you're past thirty: you think it's a good idea and you know she was the one you loved all along but you can't help but think you missed out on that one chance for true happiness...and that one chance to show all your mates how you could get with a woman way more beautiful than they ever thought possible."
6 min Another chance for Schalke! Draxler broke superbly, making 40 yards and attracting defenders towards him before playing it to Szalai on the right side of the box. He controlled the ball and then, as defenders converged, dragged a disappointing shot across goal and a few yards wide. He should have worked Cech there.
5 min Draxler shoots fractionally wide! Schalke attacked down the right, with Uchide in a criminal amount of space. He passed it along the line of the 18-yard box to Draxler, who swept an excellent first-time effort towards the far post. Cech did not move and the ball drifted just wide.
4 min The right-back Ivanovic breaks into the box promisingly, but his cutback is inadequate and Jones clears.
3 min Schalke have been quicker out of the blocks, to use what I like to call a metaphor. Nothing strange or startling has happened, however.
2 min "I think you have to call Mourinho a failure at Madrid," says Will Morrison. "One title in three seasons, plus a Copa del Rey, isn't a great return, particularly by the standards he's set, and the amount of money the club spent. He was right to drop Casillas at Madrid – did you see him last night?! – although I doubt he went about dropping him in the most diplomatic way. I agree that he doesn't seem happy at Chelsea. More than that, he just doesn't seem interested."
After rejection, failure, insecurity and humiliation, maybe it's time for him to embrace another new concept: nihilism.
1 min Schalke kick off from left to right. They are in green, Chelsea in blue. The German fans are making a lovely racket.
There's slight confusion as to which side has won the toss for kick off/choice of ends. Referee John Terry confirms that it was Chelsea.
"Can you figure out what's going on with Hazard, who tortured the Germans last time?" asks Peter Platt. "He was initially on the subs bench, according to the CFC website, then silently replaced by De Bruyne very late. I trust you to sort this out!"
He missed a crucial training session, according to Jose, and has been left out as a result. Mourinho was being a bit cryptic.
"Can Mourinho really be considered a failure at Madrid?" says Kartik. "Considering his own achievements before Madrid, yes. But he did manage to win the league against an opponent of the caliber of Guardiola's Barca. All said and done, the road ahead is interesting. Does he make it long term at Chelsea this time or does he continue trotting around? Oh and as a Chelsea fan, the word stability is quite alien now. It really wouldn't surprise me if Jose is gone by Christmas!"
Yes it's an interesting discussion whether he failed at Madrid. A qualified failure, perhaps. But the circumstances were unique, with Barcelona being so good, and the margins pretty fine. Had Madrid won the penalty shoot-out against Bayern in 2012 they would surely have won the European Cup, which would change the picture completely.
Schalke's greatest player is possibly Klaus Fischer, who was known as Mr Fallrückzieher (Mr Falling Kick) for his crazy array of overhead kicks – including this one, on television, in his sixties.
Chelsea (4-2-3-1) Cech; Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Azpilicueta; Ramires, Mikel; Willian, Oscar, Schurrle; Eto'o.
Substitutes: Schwarzer, Cole, David Luiz, Lampard, Mata, De Bruyne, Ba.
Schalke (4-2-3-1) Hildebrand; Uchida, Howedes, Matip, Aogo; Jones, Neustadter; Draxler, Boateng, Fuchs; Szalai.
Substitutes: Fahrmann, Hoogland, Felipe Santana, Kolasinac, Meyer, Clemens, Ayhan.
Tom Henning Ovrebo Svein Oddvar Moen (Norway)
Jose Mourinho looks like a man who is having a mid-career crisis. In truth it would be a bit of a surprise were that not the case. In recent times he has been introduced to some alien concepts: failure, insecurity, rejection and humiliation. In January he turned 50 (perhaps the football manager’s equivalent of 40, which is the new 30) and has had consequent identity issues to deal with. Is he a father figure to other managers or still the (relatively) young punk who doesn't care who he upsets so long as he wins trophies? Is he Special, Happy or both?
Or perhaps neither. Mourinho no longer comes with a guarantee of a league title and he no longer has the pick of any job in world football. He was a qualified failure at Real Madrid, where he became so sidetracked by the challenge of taking down Barcelona – an astonishing achievement that only he could have managed - that he forgot to win the European Cup. He was sacked by Madrid and humiliated by the fact and particularly manner of his rejection by Manchester United. For the first time since he made it big, he is not in control of his career. It is not, or so it seems from afar, playing out as he wanted or expected.
The whole thing is pretty Shakespearean. Mourinho's eyes betray a hint of confusion, apathy and maybe even sadness. It’s hard to shake the feeling that, for now at least, his heart is not truly in it. You don't need an NVQ in psychology to interpret his public displays of affection with the Chelsea fans in recent times. He cares about Chelsea, of course he does, but there is a nascent whiff of the loveless marriage about it all.
If he fails to win the league this year, that will be one title in four years, an unthinkable return for a man who holds also-rans in complete contempt. And Chelsea have no more than a puncher's chance in the European Cup (an odd thing say about a team who have won European trophies in the past two seasons, but it's true). Mourinho simply cannot become an also-ran. He would rather make out with the Barcelona badge.
Other great managers have overcome mid-career crises or dips, yet none had done so after a period of quite such remorseless achievement. These are insecure times. It might just be that Madrid took more out of him than even he realised, and that he is slowly rousing himself for the next fight; or that the mediocrity of the Premier League has dragged him down a touch. Perhaps he recognises Chelsea are a medium-term project, rather than a team he could immediately guide towards greatness as he did in 2004. Either way you do not, to nick a line for Fergie's autobiography, see Jose Mourinho in his Chelsea team. Not yet. Saturday's feeble defeat at Newcastle was certainly not that of a Mourinho team.
He will still win trophies at an abnormal rate, including the Premier League this season, but it would be interesting to know what his medium-term goals are. The four big jobs – Bayern, Barcelona, Madrid and United – are all out of his reach. He seems to have two main options: buckle down and do his time at Chelsea for a decade, or keep wandering around Europe, picking up trophies for Jose Mourinho FC.
The latter in particular offers him the chance to obliterate some significant records: he could become the first man to win the European Cup with three different clubs and the first to win the league in five different countries. That would probably necessitate an eventual move to France*. Such records would be a helluva legacy for one of the all-time great managers. But they might not quite be the legacy he hoped to leave.
(Oh, Chelsea play at home to Schalke tonight. It kicks off at 7.45pm.)
* Or maybe Scotland: winning the title and the European Cup with Aberdeen would be a novel way to get one back on Sir Alex Ferguson.