Full-time: Chelsea 2-0 Hull City
Peep! Peep! Peep! Jon Moss brings an end to what became a rather tedious second half. Not that Jose Mourinho will care. He has won his first match back in England and the result was never in doubt. His team played some scintillating stuff in the first half and Frank Lampard and Oscar scored two wonderful goals. Chelsea will have harder matches. Hull will have easier ones. Thanks for reading. Bye.
90 min+1: Two minutes of added time.
90 min: Of course, there will be no appearance from Juan Mata off the bench. What shall we read into this? We might need another transfer saga if the Luis Suarez one really is over. Or maybe he's just tired after travelling and Chelsea have a game against Aston Villa on Wednesday and play Manchester United next Monday.
89 min: Elmohamady whips in another cross and Cech has to be strong to punch away under pressure from Sagbo.
88 min: They could probably blow up now.
85 min: Marco van Ginkel replaces Oscar for his Chelsea debut.
83 min: Truth be told, it's not been the most engrossing second half. Chelsea effectively declared at 2-0, which was often the case under Mourinho in his first spell at the club.
81 min: Another free-kick for Lampard. He thumps it again but although McGregor was getting nowhere near it, it flashes just wide.
79 min: George Boyd replaces Sone Aluko.
76 min: This was so nearly brilliant. Lukaku lays a pass off to Ramires, who instantly knocks the ball inside Figueroa and into the path of Schurrle, the German sprinting into the wide open space in behind the left-back. McGregor makes a bad decision, thinking he can beat Schurrle to the ball, and instead ends up in no man's land. On the run, Schurrle chips him but it doesn't drop quickly enough and flies just over the bar.
75 min: Fernando Torres off, Romelu Lukaku on. Torres hasn't done a lot.
73 min: This is Hull's best chance. Elmohamady swings a wonderful cross into the Chelsea box from the right and there's Davies at the far post to try to head it back across goal. He makes good contact with his header and it looks like it's flying into the top-left corner, only for Cech to make the save and hold. He made that look easier than it was.
71 min: Hull have been a bit better since Chelsea ended the game as a contest by going 2-0 up. They've not disgraced themselves. It's hard to read too much into their performance. It's not been great but Chelsea are too good and they wouldn't have been expecting anything from this match.
69 min: "Wow, that's some bench! says Paul Ewart. And it's still got Wayne Rooney to come in and sit on it! "Dear Special One, I have a solution for your striking woes. You can have our toothsome assassin Luis Suarez for Juan Mata plus £30m. Go on...you know you want to. Luis is just your type, you could be so happy together. I predict wedding bells."
67 min: On comes Andre Schurrle for his Chelsea debut, replacing Kevin de Bruyne, who was very good indeed.
66 min: Hull have flung quite a few crosses into the box but they've been meat and drink for Terry and Cahill.
64 min: Chelsea appeal for another penalty, Branislav Ivanovic going down under a challenge from Brady, but Jon Moss couldn't be bothered to see Lampard miss another so awarded a goal-kick instead. It might well have been a foul, Brady leaning into the right-back, but it's not probably going to make a great deal of difference.
63 min: Robert Koren has Hull's first shot on target and not before time. It's easy enough for Cech, though, straight at him from 25 yards out. There was an awkward bounce in front of him but he dealt with it comfortably.
60 min: "As a "portuguese compatriot" let me assure you that only a small minority think Mourinho is an unmitigated ass," says Bruno Araujo. "Probably a Benfica supporting minority."
59 min: Hull make their first changes, bringing on Tom Huddlestone for David Meyler and Jake Livermore for Danny Graham. The pair of them are booed on to the pitch on account of their Tottenham connections.
56 min: Oscar skedaddles in from the left but drills a shot harmlessly wide of the near post from 20 yards out. All very sedate at the moment. Even Bruce has stopped swearing. What's the point in getting angry? Either way, Hull will be losing this match. Chill out and enjoy the rest of summer.
55 min: De Bruyne isn't shy. He has another go from distance. Again it goes over.
54 min: Lampard goes so close to freeing Ramires, who had made a lungbusting run through a yawning gap in the middle of the Hull defence, with a cute reverse pass but he overhits it and it runs out for a goal-kick. A shame. Ramires was clean through.
53 min: Roman Abramovich, bearded in the Paxman style, has a few buttons undone on his shirt. Oh Roman, how very casual of you. Is that the style in the Chelsea boardroom now? Blazers out, jean shorts (jorts) and flip flops in.
52 min: Danny Graham's playing! Sorry, I realise that's not particularly exciting but the camera just showed him for the first time.
50 min: It's been a slow start to the second half, Chelsea yet to put their foot on the gas. It would be nice if they did, rather than stroll their way to the final whistle. That would be dull and would totally ruin Jose Day.
48 min: The cameras are picking up everything Bruce shouts. Robbie Brady loses the ball to Ramires in midfield in weak fashion. Cue a cry of "COME ON ROBBIE BRADY! FUCKING HELL!" "My Portuguese neighbor assures me that Jose is considered an unmitigated ass by his compatriots...and they love it," says Nathan Woods. "As a Fulham fan, I can grudgingly admit I've missed the Special One. Man love at its worst. No shame. Big up yourself Mr. Mourinho."
47 min: "Get fucking forward!" bellows a red-faced Steve Bruce. Steve! Jose doesn't have to hear language like that. Please contain yourself in front of the saintly one. There's really no need for language like that, even if every time you turn round you see Paul McShane sitting on your bench.
46 min: Off we go again. This could be damage limitation for Hull. Or they could pull of an improbable, heroic 3-2 win. This could be damage limitation for Hull.
"I went to see Bury vs Accrington Stanley yesterday," boasts Jon Collin. "Just thought I might draw your attention to James Beattie's outfit. He looked like Don Draper." Ooo James!
"Philosophical question: if Hull City play without Phil Brown in charge, does anyone care?" says Alex Netherton. The worst thing is he's being made to watch.
Half-time: Chelsea 2-0 Hull City
Just as Jose Mourinho dreamed it.
45 min+3: How on earth are Chelsea not 3-0 up? Lampard swings the corner into the six-yard box and Ivanovic nuts it goalwards, only for McGregor to somehow claw it out. Is it over the line? The technology says no, so no controversy here.
45 min+2: And now Torres's shot from the edge of the area is deflected wide for a corner. The corner is whipped in low, weirdly, and after it's half cleared, Cahill collects the loose ball, turns and shoots from the edge of the area. It's deflected wide by Figueroa.
45 min+1: Suddenly Chelsea quicken the pace again. Torres prods a pass through to Lampard, whose shot on the turn is pushed away by McGregor.
45 min: Chelsea have just stepped off in the last few minutes and are allowing Hull a feel of the ball, content in the knowledge that they're probably not going to do much with it. There will be three minutes of added time.
44 min: "WORSE THAN GARY NAYLOR," says Edward Ferrars. "Hull City Paper Tigers?"
42 min: A spell of extended pressure from Hull ends with Meyler's shot from 30 yards out being headed away by Cahill.
39 min: David Meyler is booked for illegally halting Hazard in full flight.
38 min: Tom Huddlestone's Twitter background is odd. It makes it look like he has a twin. Preferably an evil twin. Called Tim. Tim Huddlestone.
35 min: Brady thumps the free-kick straight into the wall. What he wanted to do there was get it over the wall.
34 min: Hull are in Chelsea's half. Yes, really. And Robbie Brady's quick feet see him win a free-kick after being bumped over by Ivanovic. It's around 25 yards out and made for a right footer.
32 min: "Presumably Gary Naylor is watching Jose and the Pussycats, then?" says James Murton. "Or is that joke too obvious even by MBM standards?" Nothing is too obvious for this medium.
30 min: Hull are now seeing some of the ball, which is nice for them.
29 min: "Hull City Pussycats." Gary Naylor, everyone.
28 min: Ramires and Sagbo are both trotting off for some more treatment. They'll be back. "United would be wise to stick to their decision regarding Rooney, with him fit and firing Chelsea would be near unplayable, easy to see why Mourinho sees him as the missing piece of the jigsaw, would link better with the trio behind him than any of the other striking options," says a breathless Patrick Wills.
26 min: Sagbo and Ramires are both down after clattering into each other in the middle of the park. Meanwhile replays show that Torres might well have bought that free-kick off Chester, as it were.
GOAL! Chelsea 2-0 Hull City (Lampard, 25 min)
Oh, he fancied it all right. What. A. Goal. From roughly 30 yards out and in a central position, Lampard cracks the free-kick towards the top-left corner and the dip and swerve is enough to leave McGregor grasping at thin air. Move over, David Luiz. The penalty miss is forgiven. This is going well.
24 min: Torres is tripped by Chester around 30 yards out. Lampard looks like he fancies this one.
22 min: Oscar to Hazard. Hazard to Davies. Davies to De Bruyne. Oh. Luckily for Davies, De Bruyne lets him off the hook by shooting over from the 20 yards.
21 min: De Bruyne curls the corner on to the top of the net. He might well have been going for goal there.
20 min: A gorgeous flick from Hazard sends Cole hurtling up the left but he just runs out of steam at the crucial moment and his shot is deflected wide for a corner on the left.
19 min: "Are those hot neon pink panels I spy on the ball for the benefit of hawkeye?" says Dave Jackson. "Or is it a PL marketing effort to extract yet more of fan's hard earned dosh? I suspect the latter, as they are not used on tennis or cricket balls..." No idea. I haven't even spotted them yet.
18 min: Chelsea continue to weave their pretty patterns. One of their problems last season was not being clinical enough. You fancy that won't happen under Mourinho. "Hull are set up as though they never won promotion and are facing teams of their level: they let their last line of defense try to stave off world class attackers and Fernando Torres (what a liability he looks despite the gifted penalty) without much assistance from the midfield," says Philip Podolsky. "That's a recipe for a trouncing." They're very open.
17 min: "Hull City AFC already look like they are set for relegation," says Mark Judd. More than a bit harsh. Look what they're up against.
16 min: You'll be wanting a gallery from Tom Jenkins right about now.
15 min: This is excellent from Chelsea and, in particular, De Bruyne. He's at the heart of everything. He pulls a cross back to Lampard, who's in the Lampard position, and he tries to whip one into the top-right corner from the edge of the area. McGregor foils him brilliantly. The corner comes to nothing.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Hull City (Oscar, 13 min)
Oscar scores the first goal of the second Jose Mourinho era at Chelsea. It's fair to say it's been coming and it's a lovely goal. Hazard cut in from the left and found De Bruyne on the edge of the area. In an instant, he poked a glorious pass through a defender's legs and through to Oscar, who slid the ball underneath the advancing McGregor. That's a cracking assist from De Bruyne. Eye of the needle stuff.
11 min: It's a shot a minute from Chelsea at the moment. With his back to goal, Torres waits for Oscar to run off him and then feeds him with a clever reverse-pass. Oscar has a clear sight of goal but from the edge of the area but drags his effort badly wide.
10 min: A rare foray forward from Hull. Sone Aluko breaks down the right and hoicks in a cross. It's claimed by Cech and Chelsea immediately counter. De Bruyne, who already looks at home, nutmegs Figueroa on the right, speeds away from the Honduran and cuts a fine pass back to Hazard. He tries to hit it first-time but the ball gets stuck under his foot. His second effort is blocked.
8 min: Hull are on the rack here. Hazard is released on the left of the area again. He drops a shoulder, leaving one defender on the floor, but his low drive is blocked.
SALVATION FOR MCGREGOR!
6 min: Frank Lampard steps up to take the penalty, hammers it towards the right corner and McGregor springs to his right to push it away! What a save! Wow.
PENALTY TO CHELSEA!
5 min: But the reprieve doesn't last long! A long pass is hoicked over the top, McGregor dithers, allows Torres to beat him to the ball. Torres heads the ball on but he's going away from goal on the left. No matter. McGregor bundles him over anyway. Dearie me.
5 min: "Stand up for the special one," bellow the Chelsea fans. They're positively giddy. And their side was so close to taking the lead here. The ball deflected through to Hazard but his shot was blocked by a combination of defender and goalkeeper.
3 min: This is a bright, positive start from Chelsea. Oscar diddles in from the left and with no pressure on him, he rolls a pass across to De Bruyne. 25 yards from goal, he's granted enough space to shoot by Hull but he fires well over the top.
2 min: Why isn't Mourinho watching this from a laundry basket?
AND IT'S LIVE! Chelsea get the ball rolling, kicking from right to left in the first half. Chelsea are all in blue. Hull's players all have their faces painted as tigers. They're taking this rebranding seriously. The next step is an actual tiger in midfield. See how hard Ramires is then.
Here's Jose. He gets a huge roar as he walks out the tunnel. He accepts the applause, blows a few kisses. Where are the flowers? They forgot to give him the flowers! This is unacceptable. Someone's getting the chop for this. You can't have this carry-on without the man holding a bouquet of roses under his arm. For crying out loud, Chelsea.
DO NOT EMAIL ME ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAM.
I won't say it again.
There are banners galore around Stamford Bridge. Chelsea fans have really been putting in some effort for their beloved. "WE ARE THE HAPPY ONES" "JOSE MOURINHO ONE OF US" "JOSE MOURINHO SIMPLY THE BEST". Doesn't it make you feel warm inside? Here come the teams. Do we have to actually have the game? Why not just 90 minutes of Jose sitting on a golden toilet in the centre circle instead?
"Nobody likes friendlies," says Jim Hardman. "But they like the money!" How dare you! Now then, to this match between Roman Abramovich's Chelsea and the Hull City Tiggers.
"I've never been a fan of Chelsea, but lets face it, it's impossible not to be entertained by Jose," says Matt Dony. "I was glad he came back, and looking forward to seeing him in the dugout today. BUT he then went and stuck Mata on the bench, after I made him my fantasy team captain. It's just reinforcing my long-held suspicion that all premier league managers pick their teams purely to undermine my team choices. I think they had a meeting, or something..."
Mourinho said on Friday that Mata wouldn't start. He's not had much of a rest this summer.
Mourinho speaks. "Nobody likes pre-season, no one likes friendly matches." In your face, Australia, America and Asia!
Phil's on Sky Sports News. This is going to be a difficult afternoon for him. His babies.
Team news. The first Chelsea team of the second Jose Mourinho era is in and there are four players who were there in his first spell at the club, Petr Cech, John Terry, Ashley Cole and Frank Lampard. David Luiz is missing, Juan Mata is on the bench and Fernando Torres starts instead of Romelu Lukaku and Demba Ba. Kevin de Bruyne, impressive in pre-season, is also in. Hull have an expansive look about them.
Chelsea: Cech; Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Cole; Ramires, Lampard; Oscar, Hazard, De Bruyne; Torres. Subs: Schwarzer, Essien, Van Ginkel, Schurrle, Mata, Ba, Lukaku.
Hull City (no, we won't be calling them that): McGregor; Elmohamady, Davies, Chester, Figueroa; Brady, Koren, Meyler; Aluko, Graham, Sagbo. Subs: Harper, Rosenior, Bruce, Huddlestone, Livermore, McShane, Boyd.
Referee: Jon Moss.
Hello. To use the parlance of Michael Essien, daddy's home. Since he's been gone, Chelsea have been through seven managers, they've won one league title, three FA Cups, one Champions League and one Europa League, but all this time there has been a sense that there is a Jose Mourinho-shaped void in their heart. But now he's back. Jose's back. He's home and everyone's default setting has been dialled up to SWOON and GUSH. He's been relatively quiet so far, though. Maybe too quiet. Something's up. What's his game? What's his angle? There has been none of the bluster he displayed on his arrival in England in 2004; he hasn't poked anyone in the eye or called Arsene Wenger a voyeur or kidnapped David Moyes's family or even had a gratuitous pop at Chris Hughton.
Maybe he really is a changed man. It certainly appears that his tempestuous spell at Real Madrid has affected him to some extent. There he was dealing with a different level of ego and his sheer charisma wasn't enough to dazzle the stars in the Bernabeu dressing room. Maybe he has learned something. Maybe he really will be less confrontational. Or maybe we should just give him time, that most precious of commodities in modern football and something that few Chelsea managers have been granted under Roman Abramovich. Many are tipping Chelsea to win the title this year. Well they are the champions of Europa, they know what they are, but there are a few holes in a side of vast potential, particularly in central midfield and in attack. Will Mourinho's presence alone be enough? They haven't challenged in either of the past two seasons.
Meanwhile, also back in the big time, although to much less fanfare: Steve Bruce and Hull City
Tigers. Bruce has had to rebuild his reputation at the KC Stadium after being sacked by Sunderland two years ago, although it is worth remembering that he did solid jobs at Birmingham and Wigan. They were not expected to go up last season but some canny tactical innovations did the trick for them, even if they did rather squeak over the line on a dramatic final day. Their chances of survival might seem slim at the moment - goals could be a problem, although nabbing Tom Huddlestone and Jake Livermore from Tottenham could be a canny piece of business in midfield - but at least they can take solace in the knowledge that there won't be any team-talks on the pitch this time. It is, of course, one of life's tragedies that Jose and Phil have never managed against each other. One day.