And so to the re-run of the
1970 Charity Shield 2009 FA Cup final. This promises to be bloody rubbish, this FA Cup fourth round replay, with neither team capable of stringing more than two passes together at the moment. Now, you'll thank me for this when someone wins 5-4 in the last minute.
Chelsea: Cech, Ferreira, Ivanovic, Terry, Cole, Ramires, Mikel, Lampard, Kalou, Drogba, Malouda.
Subs: Turnbull, Essien, Zhirkov, Bertrand, Anelka, McEachran, Sala.
Everton: Howard, Neville, Jagielka, Distin, Baines, Coleman, Arteta, Fellaini, Osman, Cahill, Beckford.
Subs: Mucha, Hibbert, Heitinga, Bilyaletdinov, Anichebe, Duffy, Baxter.
Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire)
Kick off: 12.30pm.
The weather: Drizzle.
What we're up for: The cup.
Who's up for it: We are.
Pre-Match Anxiety Corner with your super soaraway Guardian Sport: "It's black outside," writes
Johnny Nice-Painter Martin Brennan, communicating with us from the future, Sunday morning in New Zealand. "I've drunk a bottle of unoaked Chardonnay, the cicadas are still rattling their wings and Chelsea have to dispose of Moyes' awkward squad." Are you alright? Is he alright? Anyone live nearby? Any readers in Australia able to pop over and check?
Pre-Match Anxiety Corner II with your super soaraway guardian.co.uk/sport/depression: Meanwhile here's Rob Hobson, taking issue with my guarantee of a nine-goal thriller in the preamble. "No, I bloody won't thank you when someone wins 5-4 in the last minute," he sobs. "The false dawn of Ancelotti's goal-strewn start to the season seems like such a long time ago that I'll happily settle for a mind-numbing, spirit-crushing, antithesis-of-Iniesta snooze-fest in which Chelsea score in the second minute and grind out the win. If Arsenal can beat Barcelona at their own game, I don't see why we can't do the same to Everton."
Anyway, the teams are out. Chelsea in their, and indeed Everton's, trademark all-blue. Everton, as away teams are wont to do, wear their away strip, a sassy white number. Not long now. "How can Fernando Torres be cup tied when he never really played for Liverpool this season?" wonders Ian Copestake, king of light Merseyside banter, the Tom O'Connor de nos jours.
And we're off! Everton get the ball rolling. Both teams spend the first minute or two taking turns to stroke it around at the back. A quiet start. "You want anxiety?" splutters Gary Naylor. "Try being an Everton fan who is also an England cricket fan, with a job interview on Monday." A rabid Evertonian with nothing to do but send emails about cricket all day? No, I've gone totally blank. Do you know any, Gary?
3 min: It's still very shapeless. No early goal for Rob Hobson.
6 min: Lampard tries to free Drogba with a pass straight down the middle, but the ball's easily intercepted by Fellaini. Already it's noticeable that Chelsea aren't stroking the ball around with their usual sass and swagger. "I'm in Japan and not able to pop over and check that Martin is okay," writes Trevor Ballance, "but I can confirm that it is black outside. Actually, it's late Saturday night here and I can tell you that Chelsea won 3-1 so if you want to put a few yen on it, go right ahead." Actually, I've got to do the United-Crawley game too. You couldn't tell us the result of that, could you? That way I can bung it up and head off to the public bar. Crawley can stay at home and save on petrol.
9 min: Osman gets to the byline down the left. He stands one up into the centre, but Ivanovic clears. Everton have gone on a couple of sorties down the left wing, to no great effect so far, but it's clear they've decided to target Ferreira.
12 min: Chelsea are seeing most of the ball, but doing very little with it. You'll notice I've not described much action so far. There's a reason for that.
13 min: Jagielka rakes a long pass down the right. Coleman hares after it, and eviscerates Cole. What speed! He reaches the byline and checks back, but his low cross is deflected into Cech's arms, and there was no white shirt in the middle anyway. A great run, though. "Kind of you to refer to Chelsea's 'usual sass and swagger'," writes Rob Hobson. "I can only assume you're erroneously watching the Wigan game from last season." Yes, sorry Rob, my mistake. I was listening to Nina Simone's version of Here Comes The Sun on the way into work, that must have tricked me into thinking it was 1971.
16 min: Baines crosses from a deep position on the left. At the far post, Coleman heads back into the centre, where Fellaini stupidly clatters Cole, letting a stretched Chelsea off the hook. Everton are the better side now. "As if the hair isn't already saying 'squash me in a tiny car with a red nose and big shoes', we have Fellaini forced to sport ridiculous striped socks," writes Linda Howard, of Everton's kit, which isn't too far from Liverpool's infamous ecru number of the Collymore era. "Although his act of fouls-disguised-as-clumsiness does also seem clownish. Hilarity ensues."
18 min: Drogba is limping around ostentatiously, holding his knee. Between him and Fernando Torres, you could cobble together a fully functional pair of legs.
20 min: Farcical scenes. Lampard swings a free kick into the Everton area from the left. Jagielka gets a head to it, but only sends the ball crashing onto his own right-hand post, Howard beaten all ends up. The ball comes bouncing back into the six-yard area, where the lunging Terry hoicks it miles over the bar. Justice sort of done there, as it was never a free kick in the first place, Coleman coming together in a fair challenge with Cole. "I hope Gary Naylor has a well-prepared response to the interview question 'where do you see yourself in five years time?'," writes a kindly Ian Copestake. "Just don't say 'challenging for a top-four position'.
24 min: Chelsea are all over the shop at the back. Baines cuts inside from the left and strokes a delicious crossfield ball across the glistening turf to Coleman, who checks inside himself and attempts to curl one into the top left. The effort's deflected away from a corner, which is wasted, as corners invariably are. "Judging by the frequency of his posts on these MBMs," begins Kevin Dev, "could the anxiety-prone Gary Naylor be heading for Guardian Towers for his interview on Monday?"
26 min: Kalou battles down the right and reaches the byline. He cuts the ball back for Lampard, who for a second has a chance to shoot from eight yards, but hesitates and is bundled out of it. But the ball breaks to Drogba, ten yards out, in a central position. The striker opens up his body and attempts to sidefoot home, but the effort is blocked. That's better from Chelsea, who despite forcing Everton into hitting their own post back there, have done next to bugger all.
29 min: Kalou skitters down the right and slices a poor cross straight into the stand behind the goal. "Given Gary Naylor's ubiquity, how is going to explain to the interview panel what he was doing over the weekend?" wonders Mark Judd. "It certainly wasn't preparing for the interview."
31 min: Osman finds himself in acres down the left. His poor pass towards Coleman in the middle is easily cut out by Terry. Cech hasn't had a save to make yet, but that doesn't mean Everton aren't well on top. "So if Torres and Drogba were cobbled together a la Frankenstein (18 mins)," writes Linda Howard, "between Abramovich and Ancelotti, who is the little girl and who is the blind man?"
32 min: Malouda, who had been off the pitch for three minutes trying to get a ring off his finger, comes back on and nearly scores immediately. He's onto a ball down the inside left channel. Entering the box, he draws Howard off his line, but can't quite dink the ball over the keeper, who parries wide left. From the resulting corner, Ivanovic meets the ball with a strong header, but Osman is close by to chest down and clear.
35 min: Chelsea have suddenly sprung into life. They're pressing Everton back, swinging balls into the box from both wings, but can't get past at determined Distin.
37 min: It's a decent cup tie all of a sudden, with Everton now pressing, first through Cahill down the middle, then through Arteta down the left. There's a corner, which proves a pointless farce.
39 min: Drogba isn't limping around so much now. He takes a right old rising whack at goal while 25 yards out. The ball screams through the air left and right, and looks like creeping under the bar before Howard tips over. Corner. Attack over.
43 min: Malouda is booked for a late lunge on Coleman, who was looking to break upfield from deep in his own half after a Chelsea attack broke down.
45 min: Ramires breaks down the inside-right channel and into the box. Howard comes out to meet them and goes to ground, but can't block the ball. The keeper withdraws his arms as he slides, but that doesn't stop Ramires tipping himself to the floor when he reaches his opponent. There are screams for a penalty, but referee Phil Dowd sprints over and waves a yellow card for simulation instead. John Terry bumbles over with his best aggressive face on, gesticulating and shouting at the official from close range, but he'll not be getting that decision changed.
HALF TIME: Chelsea 0-0 Everton. That was pretty poor, but Everton will be happy enough.
The perfect antidote to an eye-bleedingly miserable match on a drizzly day.
Right, we're off again. Has Nina cheered everyone up? I do hope so. However, she's not changed the weather: it is tipping down. Essien has replaced the laughably bad Mikel. The home side set the ball rolling again, with Stamford Bridge in almost total silence, in respectful memory of Chelsea's golden era, 2005-2010, RIP.
48 min: Half a chance at either end, Drogba nearly managing to bundle the ball home from close-ish range, a free kick being sent into the area by Lampard from the left, Osman attempting to lob-wedge into the right-hand side of a gaping Chelsea net but only fluffing it into Cech's hands. "That still from your half-time entertainment," writes Gary Naylor, "it's Torres before his last haircut isn't it?" Shouldn't you be double checking your CV and pressing your best shirt?
50 min: Baines goes into the book for bundling Ramires over down the right.
52 min: Ivanovic is scythed down by Coleman, who joins his team-mate Baines in Phil Dowd's book.
55 min: Lampard is doing his best to get Chelsea moving, first powering down the middle and attempting a one-two with Drogba, then dropping a shoulder and looking to shoot from distance before being closed down by Distin. It's otherwise a bit pedestrian from the home side.
56 min: A free kick for Chelsea, to the right of the Everton box. Drogba whips it to the near post, where Lampard heads well wide right. The look on the midfielder's face is one of utter resignation. Chelsea have enjoyed the lion's share of possession in this half, but they still look strangely without spark.
58 min: Now it's Everton's turn to send a free kick into the box. Baines whacks it in from 25 yards out on the left. Osman gets his head to it, but Cech is positioned well.
59 min: Beckford, free on the edge of the Chelsea area, panics upon receiving a cross from the right. He leans back and sends a terrible effort miles over the bar.
60 min: Distin is booked for a late slide on... er... not sure, I was kind of looking the other way. Indiscipline is threatening to undo the away side, who have otherwise been fairly comfortable this afternoon.
63 min: Coleman tears free down the right. He's got Beckford in the centre, but can't find him with a cross, though it doesn't matter as the striker decides to idiotically haul Ferreira to the ground. Free kick. "I'm not convinced that Gary ironing his number nine shirt will necessarily be a good thing other than confirming his devotion to Landon Donovan," quips Tom O'Copestake.
65 min: How Chelsea haven't scored here is beyond me. First Ramires scoots free down the right. His low centre is met by Lampard at the near post, who sidefoots confidently towards the bottom-right corner. But Howard makes a superlative save with his feet. Corner. From which, at the far post, Ivanovic sends the ball goalward, only to see it scrambled off the line. Great play by Chelsea at last, and staunch defending by Everton.
67 min: At long last Chelsea are showing signs of grit and determination. Ramires bombs forward, straight down the middle, and unleashes a daisycutter that only just flies wide left.
69 min: All a bit stop-start at the moment.
70 min: Cahill is replaced by Bilyaletdinov.
72 min: Nobody wants an extra 30 minutes of this, do they?
74 min: A determined run by Baines. A deep cross from the left. Bilyaletdinov's header, the winger steaming in from the right. Cech saves fairly easily. This is grim fare.
77 min: Drogba loops the ball across the face of the Everton six-yard box from the left. Terry, of all people, finds the ball at his feet just to the right of goal. He's in plenty of space, but hesitates, and the chance is gone.
80 min: David Moyes swaps the anonymous Beckford for the fresh limbs of Anichebe. "Seeing Chelsea's poor form brings up the question of whether they ever practice," writes Paul Szabo. "Or is all the off-time spent moaning and groaning?" Surely, in the case of John Terry, that is practice?
81 min: A couple of half chances for Everton, the first a Bilyaletdinov cross fired in from the left and only just missed by the extended big toe of Anichebe, the second a long-distance lash from Bilyaletdinov.
83 min: DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY WANT TO SCORE? ARE THEY EVEN BOTHERED? Malouda finds himself clear, ten yards out, inches to the right of goal, in the area. He inexplicably lets the ball get tangled between his legs, so eventually lays it back to the onrushing Lampard, who being English should simply hammer the ball goalward but instead attempts to recreate David Villa's goal against Sporting Gijon last weekend. Frank Lampard is no David Villa.
85 min: Malouda takes a corner on the left. It doesn't even clear the first man. Professionals, eh? "It's a pity this game will never go on for the romantic six-game replays we've all been told about in the golden age of the FA Cup," sighs Andrew Rae. "Because we would love to see six more games of this football, right?"
88 min: Terry, out of understandable frustration at his attackers fannying around, takes a hack from the best part of 35 yards. It's not a bad effort, either, rising and heading goalwards, but it's blocked before it can reach the danger zone.
89 min: EVERTON PUT THE BALL IN THE NET... BUT IT'S DISALLOWED! And it's a great decision too. Everton shift a free kick inside from the left. Baines drops a shoulder and hammers a delicious shot goalwards. Cech meets it, but spills, Fellaini latching onto the rebound and slotting home from six yards. But the big midfielder had wandered a yard offside when Baines was shooting, and the flag goes up.
90 min: There will be three more minutes of this. Thirty-three unless anybody scores very soon.
FULL TIME: Chelsea 0-0 Everton. Three extra minutes of nothing, to go with the 90 equally empty ones that preceded them. And so extra time looms.
FULL TIME REPORT: Jesus Christ almighty.
And we're off again! Malouda is spared any more effort, Anelka coming on in his stead. Everton set the ball rolling.
ET 3 min: Nothing happening. Like that's news. "This sounds like a game where they should have had the Samaritans on standby rather than the St John's ambulance," writes Barry Edwards. Oh Christ, I'd forgotten about Kiwi existentialist Martin Brennan (see Pre-match Anxiety Corner). I hope he fell asleep at half-time. Will his constitution be able to withstand this?
ET 5 min: Lampard with a free kick into the Everton box from the right. Ivanovic, always dangerous from set pieces, heads wide left.
ET 6 min: John Heitinga, whose last taste of extra-time football saw him sent off in the World Cup final, comes on for Osman.
ET 7 min: Baines goes down over an outstretched Chelsea leg in the area. He gets up very quickly indeed, because that looked like a bit of a saucy dive to me. And having already been booked, he was running the risk of getting himself sent off. The referee's been fairly lenient to Everton there, if we're following the letter of the law strictly. Up the other end, Drogba attempts to curl one into the top-right corner, a half-decent attempt but one that's always sailing over.
ET 10 min: Drogba goes on a long diddle down the inside-left channel. He's got about ten opportunities to get a shot away, but passes on every one, instead playing the ball off Neville for a corner. The corner's sent into the six-yard box, but the referee blows immediately for a Chelsea infringement spotted in his mind's eye.
ET 12 min: The ball falls to Lampard twice on the edge of the area. His first shot is blocked, his second is dragged wide right. "Brennan is the least of your worries," writes Ian Copesake-Dodd. "Naylor seems to have gone awfully quiet, unless his rantings are now just too foul to be aired." Now now. I don't want to say too much about Naylor in case, come Monday afternoon, I suddenly find he's my new boss.
ET 14 min: GOAL!!! AT LAST!!! Chelsea 1-0 Everton. Great work from Anelka, who reaches the byline on the right and lifts the ball into the centre. Drogba knocks it down for Lampard, who strokes home into the bottom-left corner. A lovely goal, that. Chelsea were dreadful for the regulation 90 minutes, but they've been by far the better side in extra time, a vast improvement in their performance, and they've thoroughly deserved that.
HALF TIME: Chelsea 1-0 Everton. Battling under a long ball into the area, Anichebe falls to the ground and claims to have been pulled by Ivanovic. The referee's having none of it, and that's that for the half. Everton have 15 minutes to save their FA Cup dream, Chelsea 15 minutes to hold on for a fifth-round tie with Reading.
ET 16 min: Absolutely brilliant by Ivanovic, who Beckenbauers straight down the middle of the park. It's a majestic and determined run, and one he finishes by attempting to scoop a pass over the Everton back line to release Anelka into the area. It doesn't quite come off, but great stuff.
ET 18 min: Drogba attempts to rake the ball into the top-right corner from wide left. A superlative effort, albeit one that ends up wide right. Chelsea's confidence has visibly returned. "Don't worry, Naylor won't be your new boss," writes Mike Cameron. "His comments are all over the MBMs and OBOs for FREE. Your Guardian paymasters don't need to give him a cent!" This email has not been approved by the NUJ.
ET 21 min: Kalou is replaced by Zhirkov. "I sympathise with Anchiebe as 'being pulled by Ivanovic' would floor anyone," quips
Rodney Marsh Ian Copestake. "I'm here for as long as the internet remains free. Try the pasta salad."
ET 23 min: Arteta is booked for a ludicrously late lunge on Essien. Actually, is it technically late if the player makes no attempt whatsoever to go for the ball?
ET 25 min: The ball drops at Arteta's feet just outside the Chelsea box, but he doesn't have the confidence to go for goal, and his weak chip towards Anichebe is intercepted by Terry.
ET 27 min: Stamford Bridge is pretty damn quiet again. Everyone knows this is over. Everton are achieving nothing whatsoever in the final third.
ET 29 min: OUT OF NOTHING!!! AN AMAZING EQUALISER!!! Chelsea 1-1 Everton. Chelsea give away a free kick 25 yards out, Ivanovic and Arteta coming together under a high ball, bang slap in the middle of the park. Baines steps up and strokes a simply unstoppable dead ball into the top-right corner. Cech stood and watched it whistle into his net. There's me wrong, then, but this game had looked dead.
FULL TIME: Chelsea 1-1 Everton. Cole has one last effort from distance, Howard making a meal of gathering, and that's that. Well, that was an ending and a half! Especially in the context of what had gone before. This will go to penalty kicks. Do you think John Terry will take one?
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea* 1-0 Everton. Chelsea win the toss and elect to kick first. Frank Lampard is first up. He hammers a majestic effort straight down the middle, Howard diving out of the way.
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea* 1-0 Everton*. Baines hits a poor effort to the right, Cech palming clear.
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea** 2-0 Everton*. Drogba sidefoots brilliantly into the bottom-right corner. That's a lovely penalty.
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea** 2-1 Everton**. Jagielka sends Cech the wrong way as he passes his penalty into the bottom-left corner.
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea*** 2-1 Everton**. Anelka, who missed in the 2008 Champions League final, hits a causal one vaguely towards the top left. Howard palms clear. That was almost identical to the one Van der Sar saved in 2008. John Terry's not going to slip over in the rain again, is he?
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea*** 2-2 Everton***. Arteta absolutely welts it into the left-hand roof of the net.
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea**** 3-2 Everton***. Essien repeats Arteta's kick. The pressure is on Heitinga...
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea**** 3-3 Everton****. ... but he doesn't disappoint, finding the bottom-left corner at some velocity. As he walks back to the centre circle Heitinga shoulder barges Ashley Cole as the pair cross.
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea***** 3-3 Everton****. Cole, none too happy with Heitinga's barge, steps up and Chris Waddles it miles high and left. "I know how he feels with that one," says the 1990 hero himself, in the ESPN commentary box. Phil Neville now has a kick to send Everton into the fifth round!
Penalty shoot-out: Chelsea***** 3-4 Everton*****. And he hammers it into the top left corner! Everton are through, their captain converting the winning kick!
THE CUP HOLDERS ARE OUT! Chelsea 1-1 Everton (aet; Everton win 4-3 on penalties). What a finish to an otherwise terrible game, both teams paying a patient public back for an awful 90 regulation minutes with a dramatic period of extra time, followed of course by those spot kicks. Chelsea walk off in a hot funk as Everton celebrate wildly in front of their own supporters, just behind the goal. Reading await Everton, who saved their season in the most dramatic of circumstances there. They looked totally down and out - but what a free kick by Leighton Baines! Chelsea meanwhile will have to make do with a tilt at the Champions League. Copenhagen suddenly look a tougher proposition.