Well, that was all straightforward enough in the end. Chelsea, though they stuttered towards the end of the first half, still manufactured all the clearest chances of the game, and ultimately had too much class for a very game Brentford - who can look forward to being patronised by all and sundry for the same. A football team not in the Premier League can play football? No way!
Anyway, thanks for your emails, and all that, sorry I couldn't use them all. While you prepare to nip next door to join Tom Bryant for Man City and Leeds, Pranay Sanklecha has emailed in his determination to enjoy the last words.
Final treat. This is what I've written in the last 10 minutes:
'Broadly speaking, we can distinguish between two types of consequences on the basis of the entities they affect. Some of the consequences of climate change will be consequences for people, i.e., consequences for agents of a certain sort. For ease of reference, I will call this first type of consequence agent-affecting consequences. The second type of consequences are those which will be will be consequences for entities who are not those agents. The most obvious, and general, example of the latter type of entity is ‘nature,’ of course. This term can and has been used to cover a wide range of entities, such as species, ecosystems, the idea of the planet as Gaia, and so on. For us the relevant feature is simply that these are consequences which by stipulation are not agent-affecting. For ease of reference, and because I’m imaginative, these I will refer to as non-agent-affecting consequences.'
Living the dream, baby. LIVING THE DREAM."
And so say all of us, and let us say amen.
FULL-TIME: Chelsea 4-0 Brentford
90+4 min Ivanovic slaloms through the Brentford defence like Maradona in plaster, squaring to Cahill when he might have shot. A posse of defenders crowd him out, and that's that.
93 min As the players relax into a finish, Brentford achieve some minor discomfort in the Chelsea box, resulting in a corner that is cleared easily enough.
90 min Though Brentford have been well-beaten today, they'll not be rue-deficient about allowing a late equaliser in the first game - a significant oversight. There are to be four additional minutes.
88 min Os-car is Andy Townsend's man-of-the-match, and I'd concur, he'd doubtless be overjoyed to discover. What a player he's going to be.
86 min Jake Reeves is harmlessly coasting through centrefield, looking up, enjoying his moment, when from nowhere appears David Luiz to strongarm his shoulder into his unsuspecting coupon. Luiz is booked, but very lucky to avoid a red card, and Reevez is dazèdly led back to the changing room.
85 min "Mad props to Pranay," begins Ryan Dunne, without mithering to translate. "That was superb. I'm surprised none of the Guardian hacks have thought of using the MBM format for an award-winning novel; it could be the 21st century In Cold Blood! Or perhaps, rather than pimping Soul Mates (invariable adverts at the side), the MBM should try and hook people up for the first-ever MBM Wedding! The service itself would of course be MBMed by some lucky Guardian sports hack ("The groom kisses the bride. Bash F5 if the description doesn't appear" etc)
Great idea, let's start here. Once upon a time, there was a community of maladjusts...
Oscar takes a left-sided corner short, to Hazard, who knocks it back to him. Oscar then skips along the angle of the box, pausing and moving off again until he's pinched the yard that he's after. Once it's his, he curves a perfect cross to the far post where Terry is salivating, before heading in with ease and celebrating in typically self-effacing fashion.
GOAL! Chelsea 4-0 Brentford (Terry)
Who doesn't fancy a trip to Middlesbrough?
80 min Oscar spots Dean tarrying in possession and nips in to burglarise the ball, sending it round him to the right and running round him to the left. He can't do much after that, but it was a very nice spot of work.
78 min Forshaw, who's probably been Brentford's best, and certainly most dangerous player, is replaced by Saunders.
76 min The lesser-spotted Benayoun replaces the frequently-magnificent Mata.
75 min It's all gone a little quiet now, but luckily Pranay the philosopher is back. "Or I can MBM my existence for you," he volunteers. "I'll give you both options:
Cricket: I like cricket. It's nice. A namedropping cricket anecdote - I once slog-swept Ashley Giles for four and then told Ian Bell (who was at short leg) to NAUGHTY WORD off. Yes. I'm cool.
My existence: I just made a marvellous run to the toilet. There was a bit of the general splash, but I made a magnificent recovering tackle so it's all ok now."
This - this - is why we're here.
73 min 68 min: "Elsewhere, Ryan Dunne is back. "The fatal flaw in Pranay's plan," he killjoys, "is that actual OBO riffs tend to be, like MBM ones, about romantic desperation, most-embarrassing-moment-of-rejection, Dawson's Creek etc."
I once lit the wrong end of a cigarette, attempting what you might call a chirpse. It was twenty years ago, and the one of my MATES who was there still reminds me of it at least every fortnight.
Mata races away down the left, Lampard quickening his trot at precisely the right moment to meet his cross and clump it into the root vegetable receptacle.
GOAL! Chelsea 3-0 Brentford (Lampard)
This is a very nice spot of work. Diagouraga loses possession in centrefield, and Chelsea pounce. Lampard switches the ball right, to the galloping, gallivanting Ivanovic, and he reaches the by-line before cutting back a low cross towards the darting Os-car. He slips one foot behind the other, making a decent connection, and though there are defenders between him and goal, it's enough to result in what ought to be enough.
GOAL! Chelsea 2-0 Brentford 0 (Os-car)
Congratulations! It's a backheel!
66 min Moses has departed - something about a burning bush that won't be consumed - with Eden Hazard replacing his biblical theme. He takes up the now-vacant spot on the right, and Os-car takes his palette and saunters over to the left.
64 min We've been a little low on OUTRAGE and FURY so far, so here's some: settling a fourth-round tie on the weekend that fifth-round ties are played is a significant receptacle of faeces.
62 min Brentford break quickly, and suddenly have a two-on-two. But with Donaldson pulling left, just over halfway, the ball seeking him is overhit, and the chance is gone.
60 min Brentford are not giving in, managing a small but nondescript flurry of attacking intention. Meanwhile, Pranay Sanklecha has a
magnificent avant-garde idea: "Football is rubbish, you should MBM - or rather, OBO - the South Africa - Pakistan game instead. Much better. In fact, I have a great idea. MBM's have riffs, yes? I think you should be all subversive and riff on cricket. This will be postmodern and cool and great."
58 min Back to classic pop music, who doesn't kvell in the memory of this all-time classic single?
57 min Brentford bring on Forrester for Trotta as Chelsea fans as "who are ya". Terrace humour, eh?
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Brentford (Mata)
This is some very smart work from a very smart man. A long, straight doink from Cech invites Ba to challenge with Craig, the ensuing loose ball falling at Mata's feet, at he lets Brentford's tears rain down on him, touching their slow turning pain - by looking up, taking a touch, looking up again, and pulling a left-footer low to Moore's right.
52 min Bit late now, but there's simply no excuse for West Ham not singing Demba's surname to this.
48 min Oblivious to the serious matters under discussion, Chelsea win a corner, and almost score. Though Mata's delivery is, like, whatevz, the ball finds its way back into the box via Os-car's curled cross, Ivanovic meeting it well with propelled forehead. But Moore is on his toes, and gets a strong enough hand onto it such that Ba, flinging himself at the loose ball, is unable to arrive in time.
47 min Numberplategate update, courtesy of general knowledge's Nick Williamson: "The P3NIS number plate was until recently owned by former rider and current BBC MotoGP commentator Steve Parrish. He also had C6CK. He says that he got them so that his ex-wife, a terrible driver, wouldn't take his cars out and therefore wouldn't prang them."
There's a playground insult that I'm straining my fingertips to avoid making on this family website.
46 min Andy Townsend has been somewhere that he's been. Believe him.
46 min Brentford set us off a-pootlin'.
The players are... this could be a modern take on I went to market - but the players are out.
Back to rapping football backroom men, Ryan Dunne is adamant that Wu Tang are too old. Instead, he suggests that we "give youth its head and let OFWGKTA have a run in the team. Tyler the Creator even namechecks David Beckham in his new single."
I've just got a thing for Raekwon - he's my favourite cuddly emcee, closely followed by the hugely hugsome Pharoahe Monch.
I would happily spend an afternoon in the company of Ian Wright's glasses.
Half-time advert: the high point of Rossington Kemp's acting career.
HALF-TIME: Chelsea 0-0 Brentford
Brentford will be pleased with that, and so they should be. Chelsea have missed a couple of handy chances - Frank Lampard's usually reliable neurons failing him at the crucial moment, with no handy deflection lurking to make it all alright - but those moments aside, Brentford have generally coped well, and not been shy to get forward where possible. This calls for Torres.
45+1 min Here's Harry
Styles Tuttle with some #bantz. "It turns out playing MF Doom up-front has actually made Chelsea likeable. To me, anyway. Logical next step: appoint Peanut Butter Wolf as director of football and Madlib interim first team coach."
Raekwon as team chef. Any mo fo any mo?
45 min There shall be a solitary added minute.
44 min Os-car is perhaps the most delectable Premier League artist who doesn't play for Fulham, and a clever swerve allows him to feed Mata down the right. Again, the cross is good, reaching Lampard, who tries a deliberate place into the corner, but again finds his feet in disobedient mood.
42 min Gary Naylor, on the other hand, likes the look of Demba Ba's mask. "Maybe a version can be done for Fernando Torres," he suggests. "He might want to hide the way he's playing."
Some sort of camouflage hair-dye might be necessary too.
41 min Talking of matters personalised, I once saw a PEN15 number plate. That might just be acceptable.
39 min After Chelsea win a cheap free-kick of which nothing comes, Brentford break and Trotta, first fouled by Luiz, sashays through the Chelsea defence to score, only to discover that the referee has already awarded a free-kick. Amidst much displeasure, Forshaw hits it into the wall.
35 min "That mask looks as if it could give an opponent a nasty cut," chants John Bald, referring to Demba Ba's facial decoration.
Personalised face protectors tell you everything you need to know about the ftbllr generation. And then there are these boots.
32 min I'm not saying that football is boring, but there are worse ways of spending your afternoon than with Agatha. Meanwhile, Brentford attack down the right and Diagouraga finds Forshaw, in space and perhaps twenty-five yards from the rear of the webbing. He cuts across a snap-shot that has Cech scurrying across to his left as it rushes only just wide.
29 min First email of the day, and it is, of course, Ryan Dunne. "Hawrite Daniel!" he begins with unacceptable cheeriness. "I've enjoyed your turns on the Fitba Weekly podcast, although I'm disappointed that you never ONCE banged the table and shouted 'this whole pod is out of order!' Here in Scotland we often get reruns of Miss Marple, Poirot or other crime drama in lieu of FA Cup/International Games. You should MBM one of them from a legal perspective, give it the full Jackie Chiles!"
I fear I may have overplayed my legal expertise, but I do love ma Agatha Christie. I'm a Murrrrrderrrr of Roger Ackroyd man.
26 min Another presentable chance for Chelsea. A long ball is headed for the back of Ba, and he kicks up a heel to divert it towards the onrushing Mata. Suddenly Brentford are in something of a situation, as a defender - Craig, I think - misplaces his feet in various positions, allowing Mata to take the ball and slide a pass to Os-car, inside the box and on its right. Though he's moving away from goal, and his standing foot gives way as he's in the process of shooting, he ought not to have avoided scoring.
23 min More probing from Chelsea, Mata shimmying down the right and curling a perfect cross across the six-yard box, which eludes everyone, reaching Ashley Cole on the other side. He attempts an imitation cut-back - if a cut-back can be a noun - but it's inaccurate, and Brentford escape.
23 min Chelsea are racking Brentford up now. Lampard whooshes a great crossfield ball to Ivanovic, and he advances before being escorted away by some good defending.
21 min Luiz, who looks a lot more of a midfielder than he ever did a centre-back, wriggles some space down the left and attains the by-line, drilling an excellent low cross that no one expected. Consequently, nothing happens.
18 min Chance for Chelsea. Moses zips down the right to the by-line and cuts back to where Lamprard is waiting to sweep into the far corner - except he doesn't, as Moore gets down to save an effort that's too close to him. The rebound falls to Os-car, but a phalanx of assorted bodies crowds him out, and the danger is averted. Good defending, but Lampard's head is making short, sharp forward motions in annoyance.
17 min It's the 17th minute of the game, which of course means that Chelsea fans sing the name of Roberto Di Matteo, who used to wear number 16. It's even halfer posteriored than you'd expect, but not as half-posteriored as it ought to be.
15 min Chelsea win a corner on the left and Mata arcs it over. It's half-cleared to the right edge of the box, where Os-car is waiting, and he aims a ball towards the back post, but nothing eventuates.
14 min: Terry hits a diagonal ball in the direction of Ba, and Bidwell, reaching it first, almost ruins everything - everything - with a shoddy backpass, but all's well in the end.
12 min Apparently Chelsea haven't started well. Pulitzer please. Thanks.
10 min Moses places the ball between Bidwell's legs wide on the right, and though he's not to it on the other side, there's enough jostling as to encourage the ref to give a free-kick. Lampard floats it over towards the far post, where Ivanovic drifts a header over the bar, unopposed. Andy Townsend is not chuffed.
9 min We are live. LIVE!
Chelsea: Cech, Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Cole, Luiz, Lampard,
Oscar, Mata, Moses, Ba. Subs: Turnbull, Ramires, Torres, Hazard,
Azpilicueta, Benayoun, Bertrand.
Brentford: Moore, Logan, Craig, Dean, Bidwell, Adeyemi,
Diagouraga, Douglas, Forshaw, Donaldson, Trotta. Subs: Lee,
Barron, Saunders, Hodson, Forrester, Reeves, Hayes.
Referee: Neil Swarbrick (Lancashire)