There follows a list of supporters energised - really energised - by the Uefa Super Cup:
So OK, the curtain raiser to the new season of European club football never gets anyone's juices flowing. But a European trophy is a European trophy is a European trophy, an additional line on the old roll of honour, so there are worse ways to spend a Friday evening. Both teams have won this pot once before - Chelsea in 1998, Atlético two years ago - so whoever triumphs tonight will join a relatively short list of multiple Super Cup winners: Milan (5), Barcelona (4), Ajax (3), Liverpool (3), Anderlecht (2), Juventus (2) and Valencia (2). An achievement not to be sniffed at. It is on!
But as if to prove nobody's taking this totally seriously, Premier League benchwarmer Frank Lampard has been recalled to the line-up of the European champions: Cech, Ivanovic, Cahill, Luiz, Cole, Mikel, Lampard, Ramires, Hazard, Mata, Torres.
Subs: Turnbull, Romeu, Oscar, Moses, Meireles, Sturridge, Bertrand.
Meanwhile the Europa League winners name Adrian Lopez in attack: Courtois, Juanfran, Miranda, Godin, Filipe Luis, Mario Suarez, Gabi, Adrian, Koke, Turan, Falcao.
Subs: Sergio Asenjo, Raul Garcia, Rodriguez, Silvio, Cata Diaz, Diego Costa, Emre.
Referee: Damir Skomina (Slovenia)
Kick off: 7.45pm BST, 8.45pm in the local Monaco money.
If the head-to-head record between these two teams is anything to go by, we're in for a cracker. They've only played each other twice, visiting each other in the group stage of the 2009/10 Champions League. Chelsea were the first hosts, and treated their guests most shoddily, skelping them 4-0, two-goal Salomon Kalou the hero (Frank Lampard and a Luis Amaranto Perea own goal the other scoreboard botherers). Chelsea looked like winning the return in Madrid, too, after a late Didier Drogba double blast, but Kun Aguero equalised in injury time, bookending the scoring having also notched the opener. So that's four goals guaranteed, then. Good-o.
Some more good news for Chelsea: They're undefeated against Spanish opposition, home and away, in their last 13 competitive fixtures. That Barcelona, the supposed greatest club side of all time? Pah! Valencia were sent packing in Chelsea's victorious European campaign last season too, 3-0 at Stamford Bridge during the group stage.
Some bad news for Chelsea: Atlético have won their last 12 European matches. Thirteenth time unlucky? We'll see, but they don't mind playing English opposition: the culmination of their 2010 Europa League winning campaign saw them dispatching Liverpool and then Fulham.
And perhaps the most relevant bit: the recent form. Chelsea have, of course, started the season well. They lost the
Charity Community Shield at Villa Park against Manchester City, but did still score twice, although who doesn't against City these days? Then it's been a perfect start to their Premier League campaign: a win at Wigan followed by two more at home to Reading and Newcastle United. Atlético, meanwhile, drew their opening La Liga game at Levante, but sprung into life against Athletic Bilbao with a 4-0 win at the Estadio Vicente Calderón. It is ón!
The teams are out! Chelsea in their all-blue strip with the all-new golden sheen of champions. Atlético are decked out in their famous red and white stripes - although they've had to change their blue shorts to red, the European Cup winners getting first choice. "The bench would suggest that Chelsea really should move for another defender before the day is over, no?" wonders Oliver Pattenden. Do you think they're made of money? Not everyone can throw it about like Manchester City. Speaking of transfers, rumours abound that Michael Essien - signally absent from the Chelsea bench - has been left out because there's a possibility of a loan deal. To, and you'll like this, Arsenal. Best to keep an eye out for that on our rolling Transfer Deadline Day blog. Meanwhile you'll note Daniel Sturridge is on Chelsea's bench, which suggests he won't be going to either Liverpool or Tottenham Hotspur.
They line up, having popped their fancy trophies on bespoke plinths. A pompous and slightly preposterous Uefa song is played - think anthem of despotic regime set to pulsating Europop beat - and then high-fives are exchanged. And then Chelsea kick off!
2 min: Chelsea are knocking this around at the back a lot. Atlético have only touched the ball twice, and that's to throw the ball in and concede possession immediately.
3 min: A first burst of play from Atlético, and they're so close to taking the lead. First Adrian Lopez takes a jog down the inside-left channel and scrapes a poor shot goalwards. It's cleared, but the ball's soon coming back at Chelsea, Filipe Luis being set free into the area down the left. He hacks the ball into the middle for Falcao, who belts a shot past Cech and off the crossbar. Falcao is then upended by Luiz in the breakdown, but that's not a penalty. Although it could have been. Be nice to see that again. Who'd be a referee?
5 min: Filipe Luis bombs down the left again, and lobs a cross to the far post, where Falcao hooks back. Cole cushions a header into Cech's hands. Chelsea are rocking here.
6 min: GOAL! Chelsea 0-1 Atlético Madrid. Chelsea are rocking alright. Chelsea's back line is ripped apart by a simple pass down the middle. Falcao romps after it, picking up possession down the inside-left channel. He takes one step into the area, steadies himself, draws Cech, and dinks an exquisite chip towards the right-hand post. The ball hits the woodwork, and spins into the net, beyond the despairing tootsies of Luiz, who is sliding in at speed. What an amazing finish. Upfield, former charge Fernando Torres looks on in stunned disbelief.
9 min: Chelsea have responded well to that setback, with a couple of charges through Mata and Ramires down the right. Both times the player reaches the byline, but can't thread a cross into the centre. "Falcao's a force of nature," opines Deepu Sebastian Edmond. "For all the Messis and the Ronaldos, this man is going to end up with the most memorable youtube compilation of all time."
12 min: Ramires sweeps the ball wide right for Mata, who curls in a cross towards Torres, on the edge of the area. He chests down for Lampard, whose low drive is deflected, then cushioned, by defensive legs.
13 min: Cutting in from the left, Hazard looks to beat his compatriot Courtois with a rising drive towards the top-right corner. But there's too much juice in the shot, and it flies over the bar. Still, this is much better from the European champions.
16 min: With Mikel lying around in the centre circle like he's down Monte Carlo beach on a towel, Mario Suarez sweeps a ball wide left to the dangerous Adrian Lopez, who bombs all the way to the box down the wing. He cuts inside and looks to have overrun it, but still gets a shot away from a tight-ish angle. Cech parries well. Chelsea want to watch themselves, they're all over the shop down that flank.
18 min: Luiz crosses into the Madrid area from the left. The ball's cleared, but only to Cahill, who has a half-decent dig goalwards. Ramires is in the way, and attempts to flick it on. But he's offside.
19 min: GOAL! Chelsea 0-2 Atlético Madrid. This is such a superlative finish by Falcao. There's a burst up the Atlético inside-right channel. Luiz can't stop the ball flying to Falcao's feet, just outside the area, though he probably should have cut it out. Falcao pauses for the ball to roll out from under his studs, nudges it to the left, taking Cole out of the picture, opens his body, and guides a beautiful effort into the top-left corner. Cech had no chance whatsoever, that was sailing serenely into the net from the nanosecond it left Falcao's boot. This, ladies and gentlemen, is football.
22 min: A pause while Ramieres gets some attention for knee knack. He'll be OK, writes Dr Murray the quack, he's just taken a bit of a belt. Meantime, here's Dave Correia: "For those that didn't know prior to the match, but surely know now, Luiz could never handle Falcao when he played in Portugal and nothing has changed since he went to England."
25 min: The Atlético fans are making one hell of a noise. And who can blame them? Chelsea look punch drunk.
27 min: Luiz wins a challenge with Falcao! Yes, he really does it! A long ball down the right, the striker crashing to the ground, the defender making off with the ball. "Without wishing any ill on him, I can't help but feel Chelsea should be stronger with Mikel lying in the centre circle (16mins) than when he's 'playing'," quips Matt Dony. "Did Man U really get that angry over him going to Chelsea? It seems so hard to believe, now."
29 min: This should have been 3-0. Atlético pour forward, five on three. The ball's slid out right to Gabi, who glides into the area but hits a poor shot straight at Cech. Corner, from which Mario Suarez blasts a header straight at the keeper. Chelsea are second best by some distance here. They're being outplayed in an embarrassing fashion at the moment, with all sorts of gaps opening up at the back.
31 min: A free kick to Atlético down the right. It's lumped into the area. Cech, perhaps mindful that his defenders are running around like a circus troupe, races out to punch clear. It's just as well he did, because there were only red-and-white shirts near that dropping ball. Chelsea are, currently, a shower. "Whoever is controlling Luiz via his Playstation in the crowd is clearly drunk," chirrups
Gary Neville Ian Copestake.
33 min: This is a bit better from Chelsea, with Mikel attempting to dictate the tempo of play awhile just outside the Madrid area. It's a bonny period of possession, but they can't find a way through a determined back line, with only Ivanovic, bursting down the right, ever threatening to get in behind. Still, baby steps and all, and at least Atlético aren't Luiz-worrying down the other end of the pitch.
35 min: This is a ludicrous double miss by Atlético. Arda Turan breaks clear down the inside right. He's offside, so what follows is a slapstick sort of justice. Turan draws Cech and slides the ball into the six-yard area, where Adrian Lopez waits to tap into an empty net. Instead, he somehow manages to kick the ball into his own back. What an adroit piece of clownsmanship. Still, the ball's hanging invitingly in mid air, waiting for Falcao, rushing in, to head home. The striker's not perfect - he's near it, but not perfect - and nuts the ball against the left-hand upright. Dear me, those were some real komik kutz.
39 min: Adrian Lopez is this close to breaking free down the left, but he's blown up (correctly) for offside. But once again the Chelsea back line are all over the shop. I've not seen Chelsea ripped to shreds like this since the days of
Andre Villas-Boas Bobby Campbell.
42 min: Atlético have streamed forward three times in the last two minutes. They can't quite make the right pass, so Chelsea get away with it, but they're in an awful mess at the minute.
44 min: GOAL!!! AND A SECOND HAT-TRICK THIS WEEK FOR FALCAO! Chelsea 0-3 Atlético Madrid A corner for Chelsea, won down the left by Mata. So what happens? You know what happens. Atlético clear, then stream upfield, down the right. Arda Turan is allowed to run at the area, and run, and run, and run, and run. He eventually rolls the ball out left to Falcao, who takes one touch and smashes the ball past Cech. In no way can it be argued that this hasn't been coming.
HALF TIME: Chelsea 0-3 Atlético Madrid
Football Falcao, eh? Bloody hell! The look on poor Fernando Torres' coupon as he departs down the tunnel!
No half-time entertainment tonight, as you'll be too busy keeping track of the late moves on Transfer Deadline Day. But while we're on that subject, here's the latest gossip, courtesy of Paul Gordon: "I know this isn't related directly to the game, but it is Chelsea news. A friend of mine living in Cheshire claims to have just seen Michael Owen charge out of the stables of Manor House standing (STANDING) atop a galloping steed, fully decked out in knighty regalia (chain mail vest and that) chanting 'Chelsea 'till I die'. It seems he's headed towards the M1. According to Google Maps he should be on Fulham Road in three hours 38 minutes (in current traffic). Unless he ditches the horse soon enough he might not make Stamford Bridge before the deadline. Good to see he's showing a little more enthusiasm for the game than usual. Or it might just be a bizarre ritual he performs on his horses once every transfer window to keep them in shape, along with riling up my friend Strange Dave who stalks little Mickey and has been totally incorrect on Michael Owen's movement in every window since August 2005. Still, like a broken clock is right twice a day, a man with severe mental illnesses may be right twice every seven years."
And we're off again, Atlético setting the ball rolling! An English side three down at half time in a European final? We've been here before. So nothing's impossible. Coming on, in the Didi Hamann role, Oscar. The Steve Finnan of the piece? Ramires. Can Chelsea turn this round? It'll be one hell of a task. "Knowing the Chelsea owner's love/lust/obsession with trophies, this performance might cost Di Matteo his job," argues Ian Copestake, in no way trying to start a brouhaha.
47 min: Just like in the opening half, Chelsea pass it around awhile at the back. They're seeing plenty of the ball, but then look how that all panned out. "Do you see Premier League sides counter attacking as Madrid do?" asks Nick Thomas. "I think it is a good lesson for every manager watching tonight."
49 min: It's not really started, this half, but then you could argue that the match is already over, so.
51 min: Koke is very close to breaking clear down the left from a deep position - so deep he's still inside his own half - but nudges the ball out of play. Chelsea, who had been pressing forward, were short at the back there. The ball is shuttled up the other end, where Torres drops a shoulder and tears down the inside-right channel. From the edge of the box, he sends a low shot flying across goal and out of play on the left. Not particularly good, but not egregiously bad either, and Chelsea haven't put together much else tonight, so this goes down as something of an improvement.
52 min: Atlético have an opportunity to break forward again, Arda Turan running with some determination down the left, but most of their men opt to sit back. They're not quite displaying the drive of the opening period, though you can hardly blame them for this. "If Barcelona still wanna pay an alleged £25m for Luiz, I'd get Roman to bung him on his super yacht in Monaco and bomb round the coast quick-smart," suggests the very wise Fraser from Reigate.
54 min: A corner for Atlético down the right, won by Adrian Lopez. Mario Suarez hammers a shot goalwards, but it's deflected out for another corner, which is plucked from the sky by Cech.
56 min: Ivanovic cuts in from the right and threads a pass inside to Hazard, who continues inside before looking for the bottom-right corner. It's a weak effort, though, and easily snaffled by Courtois.
57 min: Cristian Rodriguez comes on for Adrian Lopez.
58 min: Cristian Rodriguez announces himself early doors, pelting down the left wing in acres, then fizzing a cross into the middle for Falcao. With his back to goal, the hat-trick hero takes the ball down brilliantly, and looks to turn through 180 degrees and hammer a shot goalwards, but Luiz is for once relatively near his man, and stubs out the effort at source.
60 min: GOAL!!! Chelsea 0-4 Atlético Madrid This is becoming extremely embarrassing now for the champions of Europe. A free kick to Atlético down the right. The ball's clipped into the area, then allowed to pinball to the feet of Miranda, just to the right of goal. He lifts the ball over Cech, off the skittering Cahill's buttocks, and into the net.
63 min: The travelling Spanish are making a racket in the jaunty style. The English lot look thoroughly miserable, which isn't too surprising. But Chelsea fans should retain some perspective: things could be much worse. You could support Aston Villa, for example, as Mark Taylor explains: "It hurts me everytime I see Falcao score. In January 2009 River Plate offered Falcao to Villa for £7m. Martin O'Neill decided to go with Emile Heskey instead. I've never forgiven Martin for this."
65 min (aka The Schadenfreude Sixty Seconds): Mata and Cole try to combine down the left, but their passes aren't sticking. Absolutely nothing's going right for Chelsea. "Just think if Chelsea spend another £100m they might be able to win the Super Cup next season," deadpans Andrew Stricker.
67 min: Torres gains a yard down the inside-left channel but - and he was doing this a lot against Newcastle at the weekend, suggesting his confidence still isn't totally repaired - instead of powering forward and getting a shot away, he checks back. And passes back. Eventually it's Oscar who takes a shot, from the edge of the box, and it's not bad, troubling the daisies just to the right of goal.
69 min: A free kick sent into the Chelsea area from the left by Koke. The ball flies all the way through to Cech, who is surprised none of the goons in his defence have bothered to head it clear, and is forced to get down at speed and scramble the ball wide right of goal. From the corner, the keeper comes and does the job himself, punching clear. What on earth are Cahill and Luiz up to?
71 min: Arda Turan is released onto yards of grass down the left. He slides a low pass inside to Falcao, who takes a shot but is closed down for once. "Surely there has to be a rule that will allow Atletico to represent Europe in the FIFA World Club Cup in place of Chelsea," suggests Emmanuel Dimike from Lagos, Nigeria. "If there isn't, there should be. That's all!" I love the clipped end to that email, the pay-off delivered with the jaunty confidence of a man who knows he's one hundred percent correct. A gorgeous flourish!
74 min: Hazard, who has been As A Mouse, wins a corner with a determined but not particularly dangerous run down the left. The corner's dealt with easily enough. But Chelsea come back through Lampard, who takes a shot from distance and wins a corner as it balloons off an Atlético bum. And from that set piece...
75min: GOAL!!! Chelsea 1-4 Atlético Madrid The ball's sent in from the right. On the penalty spot, five players go up to contest the ball. None of them win it. It drops into space, allowing Cahill to batter a frustrated shot low and hard, past Chelsea loanee Courtois, who still hasn't got his hands warm on anything. "We're gonna win 5-4," croon the Chelsea faithful. European champions, yet still at one with the English gallows humour.
78 min: Chelsea are passing it around a lot in the Atlético half, but the Spaniards are holding their shape. Despite Cahill's strike, they don't seem to be suffering from panic.
80 min: They might have felt a twinge in the trousers if this had gone in, though: Mata bursts down the inside-right and into the area, but blasts over the bar.
82 min: Both teams make a change. Atlético swap Koke for Raul Garcia, while Chelsea send on Sturridge for Mata.
84 min: Once again, Chelsea are all over the shop at the back. Raul Garcia cascades down the right, no blue shirt within country miles, but his pass inside to Falcao is lazy and cut out by Luiz. "Do you think Atletico will let John Terry join them to collect the cup, or might that explain why he looks so glum sat in the stands?" wonders David Wall.
86 min: It's all got very scrappy. Torres, down the inside left, tries to spin clear, then Lampard tries the same trick. But they can't break through the Spanish back line.
88 min: Falcao is afforded the chance of a standing ovation, replaced by Emre. The entire crowd - including, to their great credit, the Chelsea fans - seize the opportunity to acknowledge one of the great performances in any European final.
89 min: Cole is replaced by Bertrand.
90 min: David Luiz. What an entertainer. Emre zips down the left, in space needless to say, then slides a pass into the middle. Luiz, sliding in, hammers the ball against the right-hand post and away. That is quite spectacular. David Luiz, ladies and gentlemen!
FULL TIME: Chelsea 1-4 Atlético Madrid. And that's that, the end of a rather humiliating evening for the European champions. Still, they're still the European champions. But for the second time in three years, Atlético win the Super Cup! I wonder if John Terry will be rushing onto the pitch to get into all the photographs tonight?