Those draws in full
So, in summary here are the semi-final draws:
Real Madrid vs Bayern Munich
Atletico Madrid vs Chelsea
Games to be played on April 22 & 23, and April 29 & 30
Sevilla vs Valencia
Benfica vs Juventus
Games to be played on April 24 and May 1
The winners of the first semi-final will be considered as the 'home' team in the final, which of course matters a huge amount.
Oh, no, wait, hang on a second - the opposite of that.
The first-leg of semis will be played on April 22 and 23, while the second will be April 29 and 30. Brace yourselves for a few weeks of Courtois guff.
Thus, the second semi-final is...
Chelsea vs Atletico Madrid
Poor old Thibaut.
Real Madrid vs Bayern Munich
Here's the draw. It's what your entire life has been building up to.
Luis just said something banal about how good all the semi-finalists are, and in response Gianni adopted the voice of Albert Finney when playing Poirot in the film adaptation of Murder on the Orient Express.
Incidentally, the recent David Suchet version was darker, and superior.
Here's Luis. Certainly looks like he's still got it.
Let's try that Joy of Six link again - it's here this time. Promise.
This is painful, but at 23 minutes since Gianni took the stage, by UEFA standards it's not too bad. Stop it UEFA, just stop it.
Gianni says of the four teams left in the Europa that "any of these teams could play in the Champions League." Yes. In fact two of them did, but got knocked out.
Now that slice of excitement is done with, how about filling the time before the BIG ONE by reading Jacob Steinberg's Joy of Six: Goalscoring Goalkeepers.
Europa League draw
And quite obviously the second is Benfica vs Juventus.
Europa League draw
Here comes the Europa draw....IT'S BIG.
The first semi will be Sevilla vs Valencia.
The draw for the Europa League semi will be made before the Champions League, so just in case you haven't got these names burned into your brains, the combatants in that one will be Juventus, Valencia, Benfica and Sevilla.
Ciro Ferrara is also on hand to help out. Apparently he forgot his tie and had to be lent one, like he's showed up to a casino in his trainers or something.
Gianni's on stage. This is his time. This is his moment. This is his perfect moment.
"Do you think any of the presenters will say 'And this is what David Moyes could have won?" asks Mark Judd. That would be cruel. But quite funny.
Oooooh, Luis Figo will be helping out with the draw.
Here's an old Nike advert featuring him and the Brazil side dicking about with obvious joyous results.
Also, is that really Brian Marwood commentating? Weird.
Still time to read Jonathan Wilson's team-by-team guide to the semi-finals, here.
Obviously we're spending a great deal of time talking about all this, so inevitably Chelsea won't draw Atletico and this will all have been a colossal waste of time. Something that is obviously very unusual when it comes to UEFA and draws.
While you're waiting for the draw, fancy a bang on the Sports Quiz of the Week?
Nine out of ten, since you ask.
And it seems UEFA aren't keen at all for Atletico to pay some € to allow Thibypops to play. They have released a statement wagging their finger at a potential deal between the two clubs.
In response to media reports referring to the situation of Club Atlético de Madrid goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois, UEFA would like to reiterate its position.
The integrity of sporting competition is a fundamental principle for UEFA.
Both the UEFA Champions League and the UEFA Disciplinary Regulations contain clear provisions which strictly forbid any club to exert, or attempt to exert, any influence whatsoever over the players that another club may (or may not) field in a match.
It follows that any provision in a private contract between clubs which might function in such a way as to influence who a club fields in a match is null, void and unenforceable so far as UEFA is concerned.
Furthermore, any attempt to enforce such a provision would be a clear violation of both the UEFA Champions League and the UEFA Disciplinary Regulations and would therefore be sanctioned accordingly.
Of course, Chelsea might think it a shrewd idea not to let Courtois play at all, no matter how many € Atleti throw at them, given the precedent for this sort of thing.
While on loan at Monaco from Real Madrid in 2004, Fernando Morientes was allowed by some sort of admin snafu to represent the Frenchies and, of course, scored goals that helped knock Real out.
Enjoy those goals, with added Clint Mansell.
It's that time again, when Uefa drags Gianni Infantino out from the tank he spends 80% of the year in, which closely resembles the recovery chamber Luke Skywalker is put in to receive treatment for his injuries after being belted round the chops and imprisoned by a wampa in the Empire Strikes Back.
The draw for the Champions League semi-final is upon us, and while at this stage there is of course no good draw, presumably all at Chelsea are crossing their fingers and hoping for Atletico Madrid, just on the basis that they don't have Cristiano Ronaldo and aren't the ludicrous football-o-tron battering ram sometimes known as Bayern Munich.
Everyone, that is, except Thibaut Courtois, who it seems won't be allowed to play should Atleti and Chelsea be paired together, due to some sort of contractual shenozzle that would require the Spaniards to stump up something in the region of €6million just for the privilege of playing the gangly Belgian against his parent club.
Atleti, it seems, aren't terribly willing to stump up that sort of cash, which is understandable given they still, despite their recent success, spend most of the time on the bones of their bottom.
Conversely, one imagines Daniel Aranzubia, Atletico's sub keeper whose main duty this season has been to help Thibaut with his warm-ups and ensure the Vicente Calderon benches are as warm as possible, will be crossing his fingers and praying for said pairing.
Of course if we were being a bit tedious and hoping for the best potential final, we'd like Real and Bayern to be kept apart in the semis so that they can enact the footballing equivalent of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus in the final, smacking at each other like two of the massive robots in the Transformers movie, and indeed any other simile involving a low-grade Hollywood action film.
Anyway, enough of all that. The real action* starts at 11am, so join us then.
* Men briefly withdrawing balls from a bowl