Well that's about it from me. Basel's is clearly the result of the night, with Ajax also impressing. Celtic the major disappointment, against a Milan side in terrible form whom they would have had genuine hopes of beating. Here's an Arsenal match report, by way of parting gift.
Jose Mourinho says: "A bad performance. A deserved defeat. But because of other results we qualify, and that is the only positive thing from this night. Now we have to get a result to be first.Everything I didn't like, from the first minute. The first second we made a defensive mistake. The team only had a bit of stability and a bit of control in the second half, but I felt the team was tired."
"The only positive thing tonight is that we qualified," says Petr Cech. "We didn't play well. In the Champions League if you give your opponent the feeling that they can, they can. It was not our day."
So a couple of Chelsea stats:
Shots on target Basel 10-0 Chelsea
Shots off target Basel 6-1 Chelsea
Just waiting for the full-time statistics to confirm quite how poor Chelsea were tonight. Still, it could be worse …
Final score: Celtic 0-3 Milan
Also, Porto 1-1 Austria Vienna, and Ajax 2-1 Barcelona, bringing Barcelona's 25-match unbeaten run to an end.
Final score: Basel 1-0 Chelsea
Chelsea have qualified for the knock-out stages, but tonight's was as poor a performance as they've produced for some time.
Basel are on the attack again, but Serey Die blazes a volley over from 15 yards. Steaua have drawn 0-0 with Schalke in the other game in Group E.
Final score: Arsenal 2-0 Marseille
Celtic, meanwhile, have three stoppage-time minutes left to get a consolation against Milan.
There will be two minutes of stoppage time in Basel…
Another goal! Dortmund 3-1 Napoli
Aubameyang has scored. Arsenal fans everywhere look at the table and get their calculators out.
GOAL! Basel 1-0 Chelsea!
With four minutes to go Basel have taken the lead! Salah breaks through on the inside left channel, onto a long crossfield ball from the right-back, and he cuts infield, races into the area and lifts the ball into the far corner!
Oooooh! Chelsea attack well, but a defender just beats Lampard to a loose ball in the penalty area, Basel run down the other end and Die's 20-yarder goes a foot wide.
Milan have another excellent chance, only for Robinho to be ruled only fractionally offside.
Chelsea have been much better in the second half than they were in the first, but still haven't had a shot.
Pepe Reina's busy putting in a man-of-the-match performance in Dortmund, Aubameyang the latest to be frustrated by the flying Spaniard.
GOAL! Dortmund 2-1 Napoli
Insigne scores for Napoli, and this group is very finely balanced as things stand. Meanwhile here's a picture of the last goal in that game, a classic of the gutted-keeper-in-the-background genre.
GOAL! A while ago!
Jackson Martínez equalised for Porto against Austria Vienna three minutes into the second half. I don't know how that slipped under my radar*.
* I do: clearly Sky don't have anyone watching it, Twitter is busy tweeting about Arsenal and my PA ticker is one thing too many to be looking at.
"Just looked up 'foray' (8:09 - sorry, I was watching the Arsenal match), as you had them foraying forward and I was wondering if it's possible to foray backwards," writes Anne Williams. "Seems to be, provided enemy territory is behind you – but anyway, just to say, it comes from French into Middle English and is kin to 'forage'. Interesting, eh?" Fascinating, Anne. Um, thanks.
GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 Marseille
Wilshere grabs a second goal, converting Özil's low cross from the right.
Meanwhile at Basel, Serey Die fouls Hazard, gets some studs in the shoulder as the Chelsea player goes down, gets booked and goes a bit mental at the referee. That haircut should have been a yellow card on its own, so Basel should be down to 10 men, really.
Dortmund go 2-0 up against Napoli, Jakub Blaszczykowski with a goal on the break.
GOAL! Celtic 0-3 Milan
The ball is played over the top, and Balotelli doesn't have to touch it before he taps it across Fraser Forster and in from seven yards. This match is over.
The floodlights have failed at Walton Casuals v Leatherhead.
Half-time stats from Basel showed the home side having nine shots, six on target, seven corners and 54% of possession. Chelsea, meanwhile, had no shots and one corner. When did Chelsea last have stats as bad as those?
Not only did Ajax concede a penalty, they also had Joel Veltman sent off, for a professional foul on Neymar.
Celtic have the ball in the net at last, but this time Van Dijk is offside! Meanwhile in Amsterdam, Xavi has reduced the arrears from the penalty spot – it's Ajax 2-1 Barcelona.
GOAL! Celtic 0-2 Milan
… and action moves down to the other end, where Milan score from another right-wing corner. The ball loops beyond the far post, where Antonio Nocerino volleys it back across goal, and Cristián Zapata taps in from a yard out. This is very bad news for Celtic. Very bad indeed.
Incredible, astonishing miss!
The free-kick is blasted into the wall, and the rebound is chipped to the far post, where Virgil van Dijk is totally alone. He volleys the ball from six yards, with the goalkeeper totally stranded, and hits it straight at Abbiati! Anywhere else, except for not on target at all, and it was a certain goal.
Celtic have a tasty free-kick opportunity, won by Mikael Lustig at the end of a sexy dribble.
Various second halves are under way!
News of a scary kind from Amsterdam. Crikey.
"I'm in southern Spain watching the Ajax vs Barcelona game and the commentators NEVER mention the goal line judges," writes Ian Markey, "…as far as I can tell. But then again they keep on speaking in foreign..so who knows?"
Neil Lennon doesn't look particularly happy about this whole losing-at-home, getting-knocked-out business.
"I'm in the French Antilles," writes Dan, "and the French commentators never mention the goal line judges ever. Ils n'existent pas pour eux." Is not mentioning them at all a) better, b) just as bad, or c) worse?
Perhaps surprisingly, given how good they've been for so long, this is the 19th time that Barcelona have been two or more goals behind at half-time. Their record in the previous 18: W0 D2 L16.
And that's half-time at Celtic, where Milan lead by one giftwrapped goal no nil. Meanwhile, here's a mini-match report from Barney Ronay at Arsenal.
It's half-time at Basel, where Chelsea have not impressed.
Celtic have a half-chance, but Samaras's corner-bound header is saved.
"For all that's good and compelling about the Champions' League, there are a few things that accompany it that are sadly inevitable but very tiresome," writes David Wall. "Aside from the pretty lame ITV coverage, with Adrian Chiles doing his 'I'm afraid of Roy Keane' shtick, there is always at least one mention of the penalty-box officials and how they don't do anything. Is that just an act now as everyone knows that they don't have a flag or similar to gesture in the way that linesmen do but rather communicate with the referee by earpiece radio so even if they make a decision we're not going to see them intervening? Is it peculiar to coverage in England or do commentators across Europe use the same mistaken cliche?" An interesting question there at the end – is anyone watching somewhere exotic able to provide an answer?
GOAL! Ajax 2-0 Barcelona
Fulham reject Danny Hoesen has put Ajax two up against Barcelona, tapping in the rebound after Fischer's shot is parried by the keeper.
Charlton have gone one up against Doncaster, Dale Stephens with it. Sure, it's not very Champions League, but still…
Currently at Basel Samuel Eto'o is lying on the pitch, flat on his back, doing the finger-twirling universally-recognised footballing gesture which means "get me off right now". It looks like his calf was stud-scraped by Serey Die. Fernando Torres is coming on.
Milan have a goal disallowed at Celtic because Balotelli is offside. A very marginal decision, and a lifeline for a Celtic side who have to win.
A missed penalty at Arsenal, where Özil's weak effort is saved. Yes, he is German, isn't he.
Azpilicueta nicks the ball off Salah's toes as the Basel forward was about to shoot. Well-timed challenge, that one.
Is it just me or are they playing with a giant football in Dortmund?
Controversy at Port Vale, where Joe Garner should have been sent off for throwing a punch. The referee got a bit confused and sent off another Preston player instead, and Garner has just put Preston ahead.
Substitution at Celtic Park, where Joe Ledley has come on for the injured Kayal.
A fine attack by Milan ends when the ball is nudged into the path of Kaka, who decides not to sweep it into the bottom corner and instead attempts an ambitious chipped pass that dcoesn't find its target. Moments later Kaka does have a shot, from a good 30 yards, and this one curls viciously but not quite enough to nestle inside the post.
Here's a first post-kick-off photo of Elie Baup, which does appear to confirm the talk of ski instructor impersonations.
A shot at Celtic, where Commons' right-footed 25-yarder sees him fall over and the ball fly over.
And moments later Salah only just fails to get on the end of a through-ball. Chelsea are rocking here.
Great save from Petr Cech! Basel are attacking with intent and numbers against Chelsea, and their latest foray forward ends with Salah's shot hitting the ground and very nearly bouncing over Cech, who flings out a fist and pushes the ball wide.
GOAL! Ajax 1-0 Barcelona
Thulani Serero puts the Dutch side ahead. And I haven't told you that Austria Vienna have taken the lead against Porto, Roman Kienast with the goal. But now I have. And here's proof.
Chelsea survive a penalty shout, after a ball kicked from a chap perhaps two yards away hits Lampard on the hip and bounces into his arm. The referee is rightly unimpressed.
Milan's Abate is rolling around the Celtic Park pitch like he has had a limb amputated without anaesthetic. He was tripped. The physio is currently administering magic healing spray. "Associazione Calcio Milan, Futbol Club Barcelona, Amsterdamsche Football Club Ajax, and The Celtic Football Club? That's an average of 3.5 words per team name…" insists Oliver Pattenden. We don't count words like "the" and "football club" here.
And now a chance for Chelsea at the other end! Ivanovic crosses from the right, and Eto'o just misses with a desperate leg-swing in the middle.
Nearly an identical goal against Chelsea! A corner from the right wing is swung in by Basel, and it would have gone in had anyone got their head to it, and would have curled in all by itself but for Mikel on the line!
GOAL! Celtic 0-1 Milan!
Milan score from a corner! A lovely ball in, but Kaka shouldn't really be totally unmarked five yards from goal, should he? Criminal defending, that.
Reus puts Dortmund ahead against Napoli from the penalty spot.
Awesome Celtic miss! Kayal's low 25-yarder falls instead to, I think, Commons, who gets his feet in a mess, scoops his shot wide and weak and falls over.
A pretty even match so far at Celtic Park. The home side have the territorial advantage, but haven't got the ball into the Milan box so far.
This from the Independent's Sam Wallace. I'll be seeking urgent photographic evidence of this ski-instructor costume.
A shot at Celtic, and it's from Balotelli, but his 20-yard left-footer is dragged wide of the far post.
Arsenal have scored! Perhaps 30 seconds on the clock, before Wiltshire runs down the right, cuts inside, jinks back onto his left foot and hits the ball into the top far corner. Paul Doyle is doing a bespoke MBM on this match here.
The matches are under way! Let's play ball!
This tackle seems to be unusually far from finding its target, don't you think?
At every ground, a banner bearing the phrase "You are not alone, Philippines" has been placed on the pitch.
Across Europe, players are in tunnels and fans are in full song. Actual real sport is just a stroll-out, an anthem, some handshakes, a quick warm-up, a coin toss and a potential end-change away!
True fact: Milan become the third team in European history to not have anyone wearing a shirt number between 1 and 11 in their starting XI.
Here's a picture from tonight's completed match, with Zenit's Andrey "Mad Dog" Arshavin on the prowl.
If you happen to be reading this while stuck in particularly nasty traffic on the way to Portsmouth v Southend, relax: kick-off has been delayed by 15 minutes.
A bit of bonus information on the British sides, courtesy of the Press Association. First, Celtic:
Neil Lennon made four changes to his Celtic team for their crunch Champions League Group H clash with AC Milan at Parkhead. The Hoops boss, who had to do without suspended duo Scott Brown and Nir Biton, brought in Mikael Lustig, Beram Kayal, James Forrest and Derk Boerrigter, who scored his first goal for Celtic since signing from Ajax in the summer in their 3-1 home Scottish Premiership win over Aberdeen on Saturday. Milan arrived without a win in their last seven games and with coach Massimiliano Allegri under pressure, but their star-studded line-up included Kaka, Mario Balotelli and captain Riccardo Montolivo.
Willian replaced Eden Hazard in the solitary change as Chelsea looked to confirm their place in the Champions League knockout stages at Basle. Victory at St Jakob-Park would secure top spot in Group E and a point would be enough to confirm the Blues' place in the last 16 - something which eluded the 2012 European Cup winners last season. José Mourinho stuck with 10 of the players who began Saturday's 3-0 win at West Ham, with Hazard on the substitutes' bench alongside a fit-again Fernando Torres, as Chelsea sought a fourth successive win in the Champions League, following the opening home loss to Basle.
Arsenal midfielder Mathieu Flamini returned from suspension for Tuesday night's Champions League clash against Marseille at the Emirates Stadium. Forward Theo Walcott, fit again from an abdominal problem, was on the bench along with Santi Cazorla and Mikel Arteta, as Tomas Rosicky made the starting XI. Spain defender Nacho Monreal came into the side with Kieran Gibbs missing from the squad and striker Nicklas Bendtner – cautioned by the police for criminal damage at his luxury apartment block - was on the bench. Marseille are bottom of Group F with four straight defeats. Andre-Pierre Gignac led their attack, with promising Florian Thauvin among the substitutes.
All the Champions League teams are in, though unless you've only just arrived here you might need to manually refresh to see them.
Tonight's football matches in total fulness. They are all 7.45pm, except for one of them:
Champions League Group E
Basel v Chelsea
Key fact: The Basel coach, Murat Yakin, played for Switzerland against England in a Euro 2004 group game. Frank Lampard, John Terry and Ashley Cole all played in the game. Basel have a 75% win record on Champions League matchday five, but have never won a game on matchday four.
Basle: Sommer, Voser, Schar, Ivanov, Xhaka, Salah, El-Nenny, Serey, Frei, Stocker, Streller. Subs: Vailati, Philipp Degen, Ajeti, David Degen, Delgado, Sauro, Sio.
Chelsea: Cech, Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Azpilicueta, Ramires, Mikel, Lampard, Willian, Oscar, Eto'o. Subs: Schwarzer, Cole, Torres, Mata, Schurrle, De Bruyne, Hazard.
Referee: Stephane Lannoy (France).
Steaua Bucharest v Schalke
Key fact: The Steaua coach, Laurentiu Reghecampf, spent a fair chunk of his playing career in Germany. He lost six of his seven games against Schalke.
Steaua Bucuresti: Tatarusanu, Prepelita, Szukala, Gardos, Latovlevici, Neagu, Bourceanu, Popa, Chipciu, Tanase, Piovaccari. Subs: Nita, Georgievski, Cristea, Stanciu, Varela, Kapetanos, Iancu.
Schalke 04: Fahrmann, Uchida, Howedes, Felipe Santana, Aogo, Jones, Neustadter, Farfan, Meyer, Fuchs, Szalai. Subs: Unnerstall, Hoogland, Kolasinac, Draxler, Obasi Ogbuke, Ayhan, Matip.
Referee: Bas Nijhuis (Holland).
Champions League Group F
Arsenal v Marseille
Key fact: Marseille's record in England is P11 W1 D4 L6. This isn't very good.
Arsenal: Szczesny, Sagna, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Monreal, Ramsey, Flamini, Wilshere, Ozil, Rosicky, Giroud. Subs: Fabianski, Vermaelen, Arteta, Walcott, Cazorla, Bendtner, Gnabry.
Marseille: Mandanda, Abdallah, N'Koulou, Lucas Mendes, Morel, Lemina, Romao, Jordan Ayew, Imbula, Khelifa, Gignac. Subs: Samba, Cheyrou, Thauvin, Diawara, Mendy, Fanni, Valbuena.
Referee: Antonio Miguel Mateu Lahoz (Spain).
Borussia Dortmund v Napoli
Key fact: Napoli's record against German teams: P8 W1 D2 L5. This isn't very good, but on the plus side that one victory was against tonight's opponents, in September
Borussia Dortmund: Weidenfeller, Grosskreutz, Bender, Papastathopoulos, Durm, Sahin, Kehl, Blaszczykowski, Mkhitaryan, Reus, Lewandowski. Subs: Langerak, Hofmann, Aubameyang, Kirch, Schieber, Piszczek, Gunter.
Napoli: Reina, Maggio, Albiol, Fernandez, Armero, Behrami, Dzemaili, Callejon, Pandev, Mertens, Higuain. Subs: Rafael Cabral, Bruno Uvini, Britos, Insigne, Cannavaro, Inler, Zapata.
Referee: Carlos Velasco Carballo (Spain)
Champions League Group G
Zenit v Atlético
Key fact: This match has already finished. It finished 1-1, which means Austria Vienna will be absolutely, mathematically out unless they win.
Porto v Austria Vienna
Key fact: Austria's record in Portugal: P4 L4 F2 A15 GD-13. This is absolutely awful.
Porto: Helton, Danilo, Maicon, Mangala, Alex Sandro, Fernando, Gonzalez, Defour, Josue, Martinez, Lica. Subs: Fabiano, Quintero, Reyes, Herrera, Varela, Ricardo, Otamendi.
FK Austria Vienna: Lindner, Koch, Rogulj, Ortlechner, Suttner, Holland, Dilaver, Royer, Kienast, Murg, Hosiner. Subs: Kardum, Simkovic, Okotie, Jun, Ramsebner, Mader, Leovac.
Referee: Ovidiu Alin Hategan (Romania).
Champions League Group H
Ajax v Barcelona
Key fact: Although Ajax have won a creditable 40.6% of all their competitive matches against Spanish teams, they've lost their last nine on the spin. Barcelona have never, ever played a competitive match in Amsterdam before, oddly.
Ajax: Cillessen, Van Rhijn, Veltman, Moisander, Boilesen, Klaassen, Blind, Serero, Schone, Hoesen, Fischer. Subs: Vermeer, Poulsen, van der Hoorn, Duarte, Andersen, Denswil, De Sa.
Barcelona: Pinto, Puyol, Mascherano, Pique, Montoya, Xavi, Song, Iniesta, Pedro, Fabregas, Neymar. Subs: Oier, Bartra, Busquets, Sergi Roberto, Gabarron, Traore, Dongou.
Referee: Pavel Kralovec.
Celtic v Milan
Key fact: Celtic have lost just 8.7% of their home games in the Champions League group stage, winning 69.6%. After scoring 21 penalties on the spin, Mario Balotelli has missed two of his most recent three.
Celtic: Forster, Lustig, Ambrose, van Dijk, Izaguirre, Boerrigter, Mulgrew, Kayal, Forrest, Commons, Samaras. Subs: Zaluska, Stokes, Ledley, Balde, Rogic, Pukki, Fisher.
Milan: Abbiati, Abate, Zapata, Bonera, Emanuelson, Montolivo, De Jong, Poli, Birsa, Kaka, Balotelli. Subs: Coppola, Robinho, Matri, Constant, Nocerino, Cristante, Silvestre.
Referee: Cuneyt Cakir (Turkey).
Important question: How often has a Champions League group consisted entirely of teams with single-word names (such as Ajax, Barcelona, Celtic and Milan)?
Familiar Cuddly Domestic Championship
Charlton v Doncaster
Key fact: Fully 45.8% of all goals conceded by Doncaster in the league this season have come in the last 15 minutes (plus stoppage time) of matches.
Charlton: Hamer, Wilson, Morrison, Dervite, Wiggins, Stewart, Cousins, Stephens, Jackson, Church, Kermorgant. Subs: Hughes, Evina, Green, Sordell, Harriott, Alnwick, Wood.
Doncaster: Turnbull, Quinn, Khumalo, McCullough, Wabara, Coppinger, De Val Fernandez, Wellens, Duffy, Macheda, Paynter. Subs: Cotterill, Maxted, Wakefield, Robinson, Bennett, Peterson, Woods.
Referee: Simon Hooper.
Simon will be here shortly. In the meantime, here's some news ahead of Celtic v Milan:
Milan had cause to be grateful for some respite when landing in Glasgow on Monday evening. Some 400 furious supporters prevented the team bus from departing San Siro after the 1-1 draw with Genoa on Saturday. It took until midnight and for senior players, including Kaká, to address the irate crowd before calm was restored.
"Speaking to fans wasn't a huge burden for me," Kaká said. "It is not something I am used to but as one of the senior players I have to get used to responsibility."
The unrest is understandable. Milan sit 13th in Serie A, four points above the relegation zone and 20 adrift of the leaders, Juventus. Massimiliano Allegri's team have not won away from home all season or at all in their past seven matches.
"It is only normal that the fans are disappointed but they are not the only ones," Allegri said. "The staff and the players share that disappointment. We have to do better. We have three objectives: to qualify from the Champions League group stage, in Serie A we have to improve and we have the Coppa Italia. Any other problems, the players don't have to worry about. They just need to stay focused."
And more ahead of Basel v Chelsea:
José Mourinho has called on Chelsea to secure their passage into the knockout phase of the Champions League with victory at Basel on Tuesday as his players enter a cluttered and pivotal period of the season where "only the brave can survive".
A victory at St Jakob-Park will claim Group E for the Europa League holders and allow Mourinho to rest key personnel for the final group game against Steaua Bucharest. Chelsea have nine fixtures in all competitions in December with Mourinho, sporting a repeat of his self-styled "going to war" crewcut from 2006, urging his players to prove their quality and stamp their authority on the campaign.
"This is a period I like, a period where the squad can play a role, not just the team," the manager said. "It's a period where I think only the brave can survive because it's so hard. We go into the Christmas period and the accumulation of matches is so high. We don't do it as a normal thing … we do it as a special group with a special mentality, enjoying the situation and forgetting we don't have a Christmas like the Spanish, Italian and German players. But we have the pleasure of playing a period that's only for the brave.
"I always enjoyed this part of the year when I was in England, and I missed it when I was in Spain and Italy. We need a special mentality to cope with that situation. Nine matches, and one of them is the match against Steaua. Finish the job against Basel and we would ensure that, instead of having nine competitive matches, we only have eight. That would be important. That's our motivation, to kill the situation in the group stage and give us a bit of space in December."