Paul will be here from around 7pm.

Preamble:
So, are nasty old Celtic going to play fair tonight? The dastardly
Scots went so far as to defend well in the Nou Camp,
complicating a scheduled routine performance by the Catalan Art
Project. "You see Celtic defending with 10 men and almost snatching a
point - that is not fair," growled the former Barcelona schemer Bernd
Schuster. "Uefa needs to change this phase of the competition if they
want to breathe life into the Champions League. Celtic do not merit
their place if they are going to play in this style." Quite right.
What Celtic should be doing is splurging millions that they don't have
to hoover up talent from all over the world, much of which they will
leave in the reserves but, at least, out of the clutches of less
wealthy teams.

A quick sampling of the pre-match atmosphere at Parkhead suggests that
most of the 60,000 congregation are clad in the green and white and
not blue and purple, raising suspicions that the majority of the
assembly are going to cheer for Barcelona's opposition
rather than sit back and coo and clap in gratitude for the honour of
being allowed to watch the Catalan Art Project live. This is obviously
unjust and Schuster and other venerable Ethics Watchdogs are entitled
to be scandalised. Space restrictions prevent us from identifying all
of the scoundrels in the stands, but let us name and shame the fiends
on the field who shall be seeking to spoil Barça's sport:

Celtic: Forster; Matthews, Ambrose, Wilson, Mulgrew, Lustig, Commons, Ledley, Wanyama, Miku, Samaras.

And the guardians of all that is honourable and true in sport:
Barcelona: Victor Valdes, Dani Alves, Mascherano, Bartra, Jordi Alba, Xavi, Iniesta, Song, Alexis Sanchez, Messi,
Pedro

Referee: N Kuipers (a man from Holland)

Weather report: It's raining cats, dogs, heifers and possibly even the Loch Ness monster. In short, conditions are filthy. Bernd Schuster may be calling for the match to be postponed as we speak. "If Barcelona are the Catalan Art Project, does that make Celtic Dadaists, and Neil Lennon the football equivalent of Marcel Duchamp? And are we in for a surreal night in Glasgow?" wonders Simon McMahon.

7.40pm: "Celtic are surely cubists!" gasps Mike Wilner. "All straight lines, blocky, and child-like in origin." Isn't everyone child-like in origin?

7.41pm: As the teams line up in the tunnel, there is an amusing shot of Fraser Forster standing beside Xavi, who, being half the keeper's size, looks even like a mascot. "It's been a while since a team in blue visited Parkhead to a sold out stadium," notes Wen Wei Loh. "How does the atmosphere compare to a Rangers visit?" Less animus, as much noise. It's rocking.

Prediction: Hooper and the ill Brown are huge being huge absences for Celtic, I'm saying 0-3 to the visitors. "Like many an aesthete and/or Glorious Glasgow Rangers fan, I will indeed be rooting for the Catalan's tonight, but surely Barca are currently, now, at a different stage from their Art Project best/worst?" blathers Ryan Dunne, taking time out from previewing his team's forthcoming visit to Hackiedoodle Thiustle or some such. "That nominal back line suggests (yes, I know it's really the result of injuries) that they're making it easier for teams to score goals against them, which is all to the good! Five nil to Barca would be good tonight, but I'd settle for a tightly fought 6-4 league cup style affair."

1 min: Barcelona kick-off amid a furious din and retain possession, more or less, for the first minute, which has to constitute a triumph of some sort.

3 min: Barça win possession. 50,000 people start praying. Pedro cuts in from the right and attempts a one-two with Messi, but three Celts converge on the little trickster and, eventually, nick the ball away. "Celtic they have to be The Glasgow Boys," booms John Thompson. "The Glasgow Boys consisted of several men, most of whom were trained in, or had strong ties to the city of Glasgow. These men were brought together by a passion for realism and naturalism and this showed through in the pieces they produced. Along with this passion for naturalism, they shared a marked distaste for the Edinburgh oriented Scottish art establishment, which they viewed as oppressive. Driven and motivated by these ideals they embraced change, created masterpieces, and became Scottish icons in the process –and all sadly many many years ago!"

4 min: Here's a phrase prepared earlier: Mascherano concedes a freekick. Mulgrew takes it short to Samaras and the gets it back and lofts it into the danger zone, which is not as dangerous as it could have been given that Samaras is not in it. Barça clear.

5 min: Commons clatters into Iniesta way late and is lucky to avoid a booking. Barça takes the freekick quickly and work it wide to Pedo. He flashes a cross in to the near post, where Mulgrew head it out only as far as Iniesta at the edge of the area. The imp's first-time effort is wayward but Alexis tries to divert it on goal with a foxy flick. Forster gathers.

7 min: Ping - ping - ping - bang! After a pingtastic move through the heart of Celtic, Messi booms over the bar from 10 yards.

9 min: Wanyama, who was superb in the first match, suggests we might be primed for another big performance by romping back through midfield to coolly dispossess Iniesta earning thunderous acclaim from the crowd.

12 min: The ref is proving quite popular at Parkhead. Moments after denying Barça a penalty following a clumsy tackle by Lustig on Alexis, he books Song for a challenge that was nowhere near as bad as Commons' early one.

13 min: A long throw-in by Matthews brings a weak punch from Victor Valdez. Barcelona eventually scramble it clear. In front of a TV somewhere, Bernd Schuster seethes.

15 min: After another prolonged bout of Barça probing, Ambrose intervenes to take the ball off Messi's foot, privately hope a photographer caught that moment, and bound out of the Celtic box before smashing the ball away.

18 min: A Barça attack breaks down and Miku tries to launch a Celtic counter but is cynically tripped by Song. The ref decides against showing a second yellow. Bernd Schuster shuts up.

GOAL! Celtic 1-0 Barcelona (Wanyama 21') Ambrose won Celtic's first corner of the game. Mulgrew fired his delivery to the back post, where the excellent Wanyama rose above Alba and butted a bullet of a header into the back of the net! Bernd Schuster beings penning a demand for the immediate abolition of the Champions League.

23 min: Barcelona lay siege to the Celtic goal. But Celtic keep them at bay before threatening to launch another counter. Barça cut that plan short as Samaras is engulfed by defenders and the visitors begin probing anew. Just 67 minutes plus added time for Celtic to hang on ...

24 min: Mulgrew hurls himself at Dani Alves to deflect a 25-yard shot over the bar.

25 min: Ooh! Another Celtic counter-attack finds Mulgrew racing free down the left. Samaras is baying for an early pass in the middle and the winger attempts to provide it ... but his cross with the outside of his foot is too close to the keeper, who duly cuts it out.

28 min: Messi Messis his way to the edge of the area and then zaps the ball to Iniesta, who slaps it back to him. Messi opens fire on the run from 12 yards and the ball skims the crossbar and goes over! The ref awards a goalkick but the replay suggests that may have have a stupendous save by Forster.

31 min: Alba has time to cross from the left. But Alexis is the only Barça player in the box, surrounded by seven Celts. The ball is cleared.

33 min: Messi attempts to reprise the move of a moment ago, but this time Wilson interrupts the attempted one-two. Messi shoots him a Schwarzeneggar-esque "I'll be back" look.

35 min: Another lightning Barça attack. Alexis receives the ball on the left and Alba lashes into the box and invites the pass. The full-back then smashes a low pass across the face of goal but there is no one on hand to tap it into the net.

37 min: Pedro, a constant menace down the right, sends in a fine cross and Alexis nips ahead of Matthews to meet it ... and his header bounces out off the post! Haven't we seen this match somewhere before?

38 min: Wilson booked for a needless swipe at Pedro. That could prove costly later on ...

40 min: Dani Alves gets the jump on Mulgrew and Xavi attempts to pick him out with a pass from half-way ... but fortunately for Celtic, the Brazilian fails to get it under control and the chance dies.

41 min: A wonderful pass from from Messi dissects the Celtic defence. Jordi Alba blems another low cross across the face of goal and Forster clasps it at the second attempt. Moments later Miku cops a booking for an unsightly challenge on Iniesta.

43 min: It's chaos in the Celtic box, where hooped players are hurling themselves in front of a succession of shots! Ambrose put in two heroic blocks before Matthews charged down an effort from Iniesta.

44 min: Celtic lost their lead around this time in the Nou Camp and are looking nervous now ...

Half-time: Mission half-accomplished! It's been a terrific display by Celtic so far. A stonking header from Wanyama has given them the lead and they have held on to it tigerishly. But Barcelona have dominated possession, hit the frame of the goal twice and generally looked capable of turning this around and then some. Celtic, mind you, have hinted at threatening again on the break. There'll be twists in this tie yet, I'll be bound.

46 min: Celtic get the second half under way ... and give the ball away within 10 seconds. "Did you know that Celtic were the opposition for Alfredo di Stefano's testimonial?" asks Alec McAulay. "I think Real would come over for Neil Lennon's if we could hang on tonight."

48 min: Or should we say 42 mins? As in time left for Celtic to cling on. Either way, Barça are pinning Celtic into their own box but not yet making any significant incursions. Dani Alves just attempted to fire in a cross but it deflected off Mulgrew and into the keeper's arms.

49 min: Dani Alves finds space wide on the right and curls in another cross. Yet again, no team-mate in the the predator area to convert. What they need is a fox in the box. A zorro, if you prefer.

51 min: It seems a strategy for Celtic to allow the full-back to get into crossing areas, possibly because they believe Celtic will win the ball from the ensuing cross. But they didn't that time and Pedro's header from Dani Alves' cross flew just over.

52 min: Splendid tackle by Matthews on Danis Alves! Corner to Barcelona. They take it short, naturally, and resume their hypnotic passing ... which ultimately results in Xavi curling in a cross from the right and Ambrose nutting it out for another corner. They take that one short too and come close to playing their way through Celtic but Matthews stretches out a leg to poke the ball off Messi's foot and behind for another corner.

54 min: Mulgrew dispossesses Messi and scampers forward to launch Celtic's first foray forward of the second half. But that little insurrection is quickly quashed and Barca resume their hypnoball.

55 min: Messi attempts a daring curler from 20 yards. Forster reads it and collects comfortably.

56 min: Corner to Celtic: cue mass cheers! Commons comes across to take it. He plays it low to Mulgrew at the corner of the box and he clips it into the box. Lustig leans back to effect a decent header but it's a comfortable save for Victor Valdes. Much more of this, though, and Celtic players may soon emulate those of Metz and ask Bernad Schuster: "Where's your ham now?"

59 min: Forster was immense in the Nou Camp and signs are he could be again tonight. He's just got down low to turn away a 10-yard drive from Alexis and then scrambled back to his feet to thwart the rebound too.

62 min: Ye gads! Bartra allows a long ball into the Barça box to bounce, thinking the keeper is coming to collect, but instead it runs to Mulgrew, eight yards from goal! The defender recovers in time to block the Celt's shot.

63 min: Jordi Alba blocked for some manner of infringement on Commons. I didn't notice anything awry.

66 min: This has been a heartening spell from Celtic, who are working heroically to knock Barça out of their rhythm and even put them on the back foot. Possession has probably been close to 50-50 over the last five minutes.

68 min: I neglected to mention that David Villa came on a couple of minutes ago for Barcelona, in place of Alexis.

69 min: Another fabulous save by Forster! Messi found the overlapping Alba, who cut it back to the little Argentinian, who let fly from 12 yards ... and the keeper throws himself across the goal to parry it with one strong hand.

70 min: Substitutions: Barcelona: Bartra off Piqué on, Song off, Fabregas on. Celtic: Lustig off, 18-year-old Tony Watt for his Champions League debut.

71 min: Dani Alves is writhing on the ground, seeking treatment for a bruised ego. The ref is having none of it.

72 min: The ubiquitous Ambrose puts an end to another jagged Messi run.

74 min: It's all Barça ... except when the ball goes in Celtic's box, when home players continually get to it first and welly it away. It's frantic, it's fierce, it's incredibly tense, and it's piddling down with rain, which is only adding to the intrigue: a slip or skid could yet prove decisive.

75 min: Iniesta conjures space for a shot from 20 yards ... and then blazes way over.

77 min: Dani Alves clips in a cross from the right by-line. Wilson nods it away. But it just keeps coming back ...

78 min: Villa wallops one over from 20 yards.

79 min: Samaras, the player Andy Carroll wishes he was, is replaced by Kayal.

80 min: Watt brings the crowd to its feet as he wins the ball on half-way and threatens to spring away from Mascherano. But the Argentinian sticks with him and, when the youngster turns back in search of support, wins the ball back.

82 min: Juan Carlos Valeras says this: Messi has been rubbish tonight, hasn't he?" Yes, but he's now standing over a freekick at the edge of the area ....

GOAL! Celtic 2-0 Barcelona (Watt 83') A mistake by Xavi puts 18-year-old Tony Watt in the clear ... and with Mascherano trying to chase him down, the teenager hammers the ball low and hard into the net from 14 yards! Parkhead explodes with joy!

84 min: Wilson blocks a header from Pedro at the back post. The ball eventually comes back to Villa, who blems over from 20 yards.

86 min: Barcelona encircle the Celtic box but the Hoops stand strong and eventually win the ball back. Then a long pass over the top sends Watt racing through again. He's strong and faster than Mascherano ... and then goes down just outside the box. The crowd reckon it's foul by Mascherano but I didn't see anything amiss and think Watt just slipped. The ref seems to agree.

88 min: A Villa header rebounds off Piqué and wide. Meanwhile, Matt Dony put things in perspective: "When I was 18, I was writing pretentious lyrics, slacking my way through college, and wearing more black than was healthy. I was definitely not scoring against Barcelona on my European debut. Tony Watt never has to do anything else in his life. Git."

90 min: Four minutes more minutes ...

GOAL! Celtic 1-2 Barcelona Messi (90+1) A flurry of passes in the Celtic box conclude with Forster making a fine save but Messi nips in to smash home the rebound. Barça halve the deficit and double the tension ...

90 + 3 min: It's mayhem in the Celtic box. Wanyama and Mulgrew make vital interventions but barely get the ball clear. Barcelona jsut keep coming ....

DELIVERANCE! Celtic have done it! Are you watching Bernd Schuster? Defending is part of the game and Barcelona couldn't do it properly tonight and Celtic punished them twice and then showed them to how keep opponents out. Lavishly skilled, relentless opponents. What a way to mark their 125th anniversary! Parkhead is bouncing. They have witnessed a superb and tactically astute performance by Neil Lennon's team.

Let's hang around and wait for the post-match interviews. See if any Celtic players can surpass t he Sky commentator, who greeted the final whistle with the words: "How do you describe this? How about 'wow, Wow, WOW!"

Hats off to the cameraman, who has just picked out Rod Stewart in the crowd, sobbing uncontrollably.

A number of you, a very large number of you, have emailed to ask whether Ryan Dunne has been in touch (see pre-match prediction). The answer is no, he's gone strangely quiet.

Some reaction:
Tony Watt on his goal: "I just saw Valdes and thought 'put it to the side of him but not too much and it might go in' and it did ... Beatign Barcelona in the Champions League: there's nothing better, is there?"

And on the atmosphere: "I was saying to the boys on bench that I've never heard anything like it, the place was rocking from start to finish."

Forster: "Words can't describe it. We put in so much effort in the Nou Camp and couldn't see it through but tonight we did."

Top emailer Simon McMahon: "Pablo Picasso, Salvador Dali etc. etc. - your boys took one hell of a beating tonight."

Emailer Ryan Dunne: "I've been busy arguing online about the forthcoming new Star Wars films. George Lucas, unlike Barcelona, never lets you down."

Neil Lennon: "One of the proudest nights of my career, just a monumental effort from all these players. I wanted them to do themselves justice and they've even surpassed taht. They've got two of the stiffest examinations they'll ever get in their career and they've come through it with flying colours."

He attributes to the win to "team spirit, discipline, hard work" and reveals that they identified Alba has a potential weakness on corners so instructed Wanyama to target him, which, of course, led to the first goal.

"We've waited a long time to get back into this competitions ... I'm not saying this is the pinnacle because I think there's more to come from this team, but this is great."

On the atmosphere: When I took the job on and I said I wanted to bring the thunder back and I've never seen an atmosphere like I did tonight."