Barcelona's fans enjoy a wee clap on the hands. Their side are through to the knock-outs, goals from Lionel Messi and Sergio Busquets doing the trick, though they've not quite won Group H yet. They're on 10 points and Milan are on five in second place. Ajax are in third with four points after beating Celtic 1-0 - Celtic have three points. Thanks for reading. Night.
Full-time: Barcelona 3-1 Milan
Peep! Peep! Peep!
90 min: We're into stoppage time but I can't tell you how much. It's a secret.
89 min: Messi ... no. He turns and shoots, Mexes flings himself in front of the ball, sending it to Abbiati.
88 min: Barcelona are having fun now. Xavi bends one wide from the edge of the area. That's his final act of the evening, Alex Song on in his place.
87 min: "Pass completion isn't the whole story though," says Philip Podolsky. "I'll put it thusly: were you hypnotized by him tonight? Thought so."
Come back to me when you've analysed the heat maps, though.
86 min: Messi wants a hat-trick now, but Mexes denies him with a great tackle just as he looks poised to complete it.
85 min: Pedro replaces Neymar. Ajax are beating Celtic 1-0, which is good news for Milan.
84 min: Matri replaces Kaka.
GOAL! Barcelona 3-1 Milan (Messi, 83 min)
Lionel Messi scores his first goal for 53 minutes. Crisis over. Game over. This is a wonderful goal. Messi started the move, playing at his own pace around 35 yards out. Under little pressure, he rolled a pass to Fabregas, and then ran on to the reverse pass, dodged a challenge from Mexes, skipped into the area and dinked the ball high past Abbiati. He has two, Barcelona have three, Milan have one.
81 min: Neymar lobs a pass through to Messi but there's De Jong to cover. Messi didn't really fancy a 50-50 with him. Weird.
79 min: What a pass by Kaka ... almost. He tries to slide it through to Muntari, but Alves gets a toe-end on the ball, diverting it back to Valdes - and almost to Balotelli. But not to Balotelli. To Valdes.
78 min: Though we learn that Iniesta had a pass completion rate of 93% as he's replaced by Cesc Fabregas, so that's us told good and proper.
76 min: "I'd say Barcelona's sluggishness is mostly due to Iniesta dropping a notch or four in his game," says Philip Podolsky. "Also: Milan are going to equalize, aren't they? The street-smartest club in the world and no mistake."
That's an intriguing theory - a lot of Iniesta's passes aren't connecting and they weren't in the Clasico either.
74 min: Barcelona have Milan on the rack now. Neymar's flick invigorates Messi, who races at the Milan defence, his little legs a red and blue blur, before he plays one more pass to the right for Sanchez, whose side-footer from close ranger is pushed wide by Abbiati! What a save!
73 min: This would have been an absurd solo goal from Neymar. He jazzed his way in from the left flank, diddling into the area and past a host of Milan defenders. He left one on the floor. He could have shot. But he left another on the floor. Could have shot then. Another man to be embarrassed though - one more. A bit more dribbling. A quick check of the emails, a quick swig of water, and then he blasted over the bar from 12 yards out, Abbiati the only man left to beat! All that for nothing!
72 min: Poli is going to have a date with the magic sponge after a collision with Balotelli, his own team-mate.
69 min: Messi leaves Mexes in a red-faced pony-tailed heap in the middle of the pitch, showing great strength to throw him off, and then finds Alves on the right. His driven cross almost leads to a tap-in for Neymar but Zapata denies him magnificently.
68 min: Adriano shoots well over from 25 yards.
67 min: Now Milan have to defend properly. Neymar gets in behind Abate on the left. The Milan right-back is on a yellow card and tackling from behind, but he does enough to avoid a second yellow and a penalty, conceding a corner instead.
66 min: Another close one for Milan, Balotelli sliding in to try to convert a low cross from the left, missing it by inches. But it's a corner to Milan nonetheless. Zapata heads harmlessly wide.
64 min: This is brilliant work from Balotelli, who has been outstanding since coming on. He outmuscles Adriano on the right, leaving the Brazilian in a confused heap on the turf, and then races away, before engaging Pique. He beats him and then drives a low cross into the middle where Kaka, under enough pressure from Mascherano, arrives and sweeps high and wide with his right foot.
63 min: Barcelona are living a bit dangerously. Montolivo guides a lovely pass round the corner towards Muntari, who's run off Alves. But Mascherano is across with a cracking slide challenge to prevent Muntari from running through on goal.
62 min: Sanchez is booked for a trip on Mexes. He's suspended for the next match.
59 min: Alves lifts a pass over the top for Messi, who's played onside by Zapata, dozing in the right-back position. But he's held up by Muntari and eventually, after a bit of twisting and turning, his cross is deflected behind for a corner. They take it short and Messi fools Milan by rolling the ball back to Iniesta, waiting on the edge of the area, and his careful clipped shot is pushed wide of the left post by Abbiati. That's a cracking save. The shot was so accurate.
58 min: Nothing is occurring. It's very scrappy.
56 min: Mascherano isn't having much fun dealing with Balotelli's strength. Milan are playing about 10 yards further up the pitch. Pique has to make an outstanding challenge to stop Kaka on the edge of the area. Then De Jong is booked for a shuddering challenge on Busquets.
54 min: "Cute kittens?" says Simon McMahon. "Scott Murray bought every one a half-time pint on his MBM." But this is Barcelona. Not the done thing over here.
52 min: The ball is in the Milan net but the flag is up for offside against Messi. He was just offside, though it would have been such a lucky goal. An Adriano shot from the edge of the area hit him on the right heel and spun over the luckless Abbiati, looping into the top left.
51 min: My apologies, that was more of a firm low shot from Balotelli and a good save by Valdes.
50 min: Barcelona break after a Milan break which ended with Kaka unable to find Balotelli, who was unmarked, but after Xavi's pass through to Sanchez, his ball across finds Neymar in an offside position. Milan respond, attacking down the right, Balotelli's firm low cross fielded by Valdes.
49 min: Barcelona are after a third goal but it's all a bit shapeless at the moment. They have the ball and Milan don't.
47 min: Balotelli's first contribution is knocking a simple five-yard pass out of play. Welcome, welcome.
46 min: Off we go again. Allegri has realised that Barcelona's defence is a shower and, as such, he has brought on Mario Balotelli - a striker! - for the ludicrously ineffective Robinho. He'll either score a hat-trick or end the match wearing a Mourinho mask.
IT'S A KITTEN! IT'S GOING MIAOW! NYAAWWWWWW!
Half-time: Barcelona 2-1 Milan
Milan have scored without having a shot on target. Or a shot, as far as I can remember. But Barcelona are surely in control, goals from Lionel Messi and Sergio Busquets enough for a lead.
GOAL! Barcelona 2-1 Milan (Pique own goal, 45 min)
Hang on, this might not be over just yet. With Barcelona enjoying a quick snooze before half-time, Milan remind them they do have a bit of quality, Kaka bursting away from Alves - I've no idea what he was up to - and into the air, before his low cross towards the near post is inadvertently turned past Valdes by Pique. Game on!
44 min: Adriano dips in from the left and cracks a rising shot that Abbiati palms over. It's Kaka I feel sorry for. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
42 min: Busquets might have been a shade offside but the point about the marking stands - he was one of three Barcelona players waiting to head home.
GOAL! Barcelona 2-0 Milan (Busquets, 39 min)
Milan are on their way to a pasting and they'll not help themselves with defending as shabby as this. Neymar was booted into touch over by the left by Montolivo, conceding a free-kick in the process. Xavi curled it into the area and no one bothered marking Busquets, the visitors stopping just short of giving him the key to the city of Milan, allowing him to glance past the helpless Abbiati.
38 min: Messi nearly scores again. But he doesn't, so he's now back in crisis - it is eight minutes since his last goal, after all. Where did it all go wrong? He steals in behind the Milan defence on the left, holds off Zapata, but his little dink over Abbiati is headed away by Mexes.
37 min: Messi chips Sanchez into space on the right but with Milan all over the shop, his low centre is deflected by Mexes into Abbiati's grateful hands.
35 min: It's still Ajax 0-0 Celtic by the way. As it stands, Barcelona would be top with 10 points, Milan second with five, Celtic third with fourth and Ajax bottom with two. Meanwhile Milan have an attack: Kaka pulls the ball back to Montolivo on the right of the area. He twists and sends a cross-shot wide of the far post. Not too far away, actually. His one Champions League goal came at this stadium.
33 min: What do Milan do now? They've hardly attacked, determined not to give Barcelona any space. But now they need a goal. To do so, they'll need to have a look at the Barcelona half.
32 min: Muntari is tempted into a tackle by a heavy touch from Alves and instead takes the opportunity to launch into a two-footed lunge on the full-back's shins. Poor shins! He could be sent off - he's booked.
GOAL DROUGHT OVER! Barcelona 1-0 Milan (Messi pen, 30 min)
Lionel Messi steps up. He hasn't scored for four games. So what else to do than ram this penalty straight down the middle, Abbiati helpfully diving out of the way? The deadlock is broken.
PENALTY TO BARCELONA!
29 min: All that good work for nothing. Xavi turns around 25 yards out and chips a pass over the top of the Milan defence. Abate realises he's in trouble and pulls Neymar back, the clown. He's booked.
28 min: Barcelona are getting frustrated with Milan's Two Banks of Four. Mr Roy would approve.
26 min: Sanchez runs at Mexes on the right, drops a shoulder to reach the byline and sends in a cross that Abbiati claws away. He's looked a bit more like a Barcelona player this season, though he does seem to be some way below the required standard at the same time.
25 min: Neymar escapes down the left, released by Iniesta. He waltzes inside and his dangerous cross is headed away by Mexes with Messi and Alves lurking.
22 min: Milan try some tiki-taka of their own and it almost ends in farcical disaster. From the resulting goal-kick, Mexes dropped deep for no apparent reason, perhaps mistaking himself for Franz Beckenbauer, and received the ball from Abbiati, whereupon he realised he had no idea what to do with it. So, under pressure, he passed back to Abbiati, who really would have rather have been handed a hand grenade than the football. He tried to chip it back to Mexes, with Sanchez closing in, and the ball struck the Chilean's head and flew into the side-netting.
21 min: Here's a chance. Messi and Iniesta try to wriggle through a crowd of bodies on the edge of the area, only getting themselves stuck in the thicket of Milan players. So the ball has to be worked out to Adriano on the left. He drills a low cross to the near post, where Messi's attempted flick only sends the ball to the far, where Sanchez can't react and extend a leg quickly enough to tap into the empty net.
20 min: Milan enjoy some respite with their first attack on any note. They work the ball well down the left, a neat combination getting Emanuelson in behind Alves, but his volleyed cross is too high to be of any use.
18 min: Now it's Alves. He shoots from 30 yards out. Afraid not.
17 min: Xavi curls a cross into the six-yard box from the right, Abbiati electing to punch away under no real pressure. The ball comes to Neymar on the left. A stepover, a cross, a clearance, Milan defending stoutly.
16 min: For all this pressure, mind you, Barcelona haven't had a shot on target yet. It's interesting. They're not the same side. They don't play at the same pace.
15 min: Another 75 minutes of milanenaccio to go.
14 min: This is just Attack v Defence. Milan have no intention of introducing themselves to Barcelona's half. Another half-chance for Barcelona here, but Sanchez can't get the ball out from underneath his feet and Mexes steps in handily.
11 min: Now Abate receives a talking-to from the referee after pulling Neymar back. He hasn't got much of a clue how to deal with the Brazilian beyond fouling him. He's not getting much help from his team-mates though. He needs more protection. Moments later, Neymar cuts in from the left, makes space for a shot and then wafts it high and wide from inside the area. Should have gone for the double nutmeg instead.
9 min: Neymar is hoofed up into the air by Abate, so touch-tight he should probably be wearing his shirt, on the left touchline. He isn't booked. Then, down by the right flank, Mexes sends Sanchez flying. Milan have worked it out already.
8 min: In an unsurprising development, Milan have hardly had a kick yet.
6 min: Messi had already scored by this point the last time this lot met. WHAT A FAHKIN' LOSER. Though, saying that, suddenly he's skittering through the middle after a one-two with Xavi, running in from deep. He loses his footing at the crucial moment though and is hustled out of it. Then Barcelona threaten again. With Milan pinned back, Messi slices them open delightfully, sending Neymar through - he really should score but a heavy touch allows Abbiati smother.
4 min: Neymar - or New Messi - wins the ball off De Jong, thus risking losing a limb, and a swivel of the hips leads to him being pulled back around 25 yards from goal in a central position. Messi and Xavi are over it. Messi leaves it to Xavi and he curls it a few yards wide of the right post.
3 min: Messi hasn't scored yet. WHAT'S HE FAHKIN PLAYING AT THEN?
2 min: Barcelona have the ball. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass.Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass.Pass.
Peepity peep! We have futbol/calcio. Milan, all in white, kick off, grimly defending for their lives from right to left in this first half. Barcelona have removed the tracksuit tops.
These are the best teams
They are the best teams
The main event
The biggest teams
A big gathering
A big sports event
The main event
They are the best
They are the best
These are the champions
The biggest teams
The teams are in the tunnel. Barcelona are wearing fancy tracksuit tops with BARCA scrawled on the back. Milan, meanwhile, are in no-nonsense white strips but they still look mighty fashionable - they're Milan.
Milan are playing without a recognised striker, Robinho and Kaka in the most advanced roles. It's basically a 4-6-0. Or a 4-3-3-0. Or a 4-4-2-0. Or, most likely, a 10-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0. But the point that's being made is this: where or where could Milan have possibly found the inspiration for this formation?
And now, the weather: the wind in Barcelona is a blustery 2kmh, there's an 81% chance of rain and it's 19 degrees!
It's not 19 degrees in London.
Barcelona, with that Messi CHARLATAN in the team: Valdes; Dani Alves, Pique, Mascherano, Adriano; Xavi, Busquets, Iniesta; Alexis, Messi, Neymar. Subs: Pinto, Montoya, Fabregas, Pedro, Bartra, Song, Tello.
Milan, with that Balotelli BUFFOON on the bench: Abbiati; Abate, Zapata, Mexes, Emanuelson; Muntari, Montolivo, De Jong, Poli; Kaka, Robinho. Subs: Coppola, Matri, Birsa, Constant, Bonera, Balotelli, Zaccardo.
Referee: Milorad Mazic (Serbia)
Evening. It's Barcelona! It's Milan! Barcelona! Milan! The names roll so effortlessly off the tongue, like Ashley Young rolling around a penalty area: Barcelona and Milan, Milan and Barcelona. Barcelona against Milan, Barcelona v Milan, Barcelona versus Milan. A true occasion, two of Europe's great clubs meeting in Europe's premier club competition and we've all gone and got ourselves barcelonaveemeelanfatigue (Milarcelona?). This fixture, after all, has assumed a bit of a Chelsea v Liverpool vibe in the past few years; they were drawn together in the group stage in 2011-12 and then in the quarter-final, then in the last 16 last season and here they are again. They must be sick of the sight of each other, especially Milan - a couple of scares here and there notwithstanding, Barcelona have come out on top each time and they should come out on top tonight.
While no one is labouring under the misapprehension that Barcelona are currently the best side in the world, the swaggering fantasy of Pep Guardiola's 2008-11 vintage not quite there, Milan are a sad rabble at the moment and arrive at Camp Nou in a rare old state. Regular watchers of Serie A say they cannot remember a worse Milan side than the current version and they are currently 11th in the table with 12 points from 11 matches, a staggering 19 points off Roma at the top. Poor Max Allegri. He won the title two years ago! They're going a little better in Europe but theirs is still a precarious position. Although they're in second place, defeat in Barcelona coupled with a victory for Celtic at Ajax would see them drop to third place. They still have to go to Celtic Park, too - although Celtic have to go to Barcelona. What drama awaits us!
And there's always drama in Camp Nou. But not quite as much this season. There is a strange feeling about the place currently, Barcelona going great guns in La Liga, top of the league and six points above Real Madrid who they beat 2-1 the other day, and in Europe under Tata Martino, but failing to quite capture the imagination as they did under Guardiola. Xavi has slowed down, just as Roger Federer had to slow down, the defence often looks like a disaster waiting to happen and then there's that useless, rubbish, pointless Lionel Messi - he's gone a frankly unacceptable four games without a goal. Four games! Who does he think he is! Though, of course, the problem goes a little deeper than a scoreless run, for Messi is also missing a yard of pace, slowed by a succession of minor injuries this year.
Then again, he's the best player in the world, maybe the best of all time, his last goal came in the 1-1 draw with Milan and he destroyed these opponents in March. He's Lionel Messi and this is Barcelona v Milan.
Barcelona and Milan!