Today's rumours have more potential than Freddy Adu
According to the Daily Mail, Roman Abramovich has now "grabbed" the 20-year-old Brazilian midfield sprite Oscar from Internacional. Oscar, who will cost £25m, is described as "a wonderkid", if only because pretty much all kids in Brazil are wonderkids, where failure to attain wonderkid status by at least the age of 17 is often seen as a source of shame among Brazil's current 30 million-strong wonderkid population, many of whom can be seen thronging the streets of Brazil's main cities performing endless skinny-legged showboating keepie-uppies in the main shopping boulevards, occasionally being moved on by special squads of police officers.
Oscar scored a hat-trick in the Under-20 World Cup final and has been "watched" by Real Madrid and Barcelona. He plays in the "false wonderkid" position, behind the false nine, close to the false 10 and false 11, and no doubt spends a lot of his time jinking about looking swankily potent in confusing positions that don't correspond to simple Anglo-Saxon terms like "centre-forward" and "right winger". Chelsea are also after Porto's Hulk.
Also in the Mail, Manchester United still want to spend £30m on the 19-year-old midfield wonderkid Lucas Moura of São Paolo. "When I go on the internet I see Inter, Real Madrid and I don't know who else, wanting to come for me with a truck load of money," Moura said on Monday, believing everything he reads in hastily cobbled internet football rumour sites.
West Ham are all set to sign the Sochaux striker Modibo Maïga for £4.5m as part of a sensational triple-swoop also involving Porto's Abdoulaye Ba and, for reasons that remain unclear, superannuated defensive flutterer William Gallas. Sunderland have been told they will have to pay Wolves £15m if they want Steven Fletcher, who scored 22 goals in two seasons in a team that was relegated, and who is apparently still only 25 despite managing to cultivate the ravaged and soulfully lived-in appearance of a taciturn middle-aged divorcee ex-boyband member with a story to tell.
Also in the Mail, Arsène Wenger has decided the root of Arsenal's problems is the basic lack of skinny-legged French teenagers. Luckily help is at hand: the Caen striker M'baye Niang, 17, is currently on trial at the Emirates.
According to the Daily Mirror Real Madrid are after Liverpool defensive doodle Daniel Agger , who is described as "a shock target", which seems a little harsh. And Manchester City goal-lamppost Edin Dzeko could be on his way to Milan for £20m. Bayern Munich are also keen.
In the Sun City are continuing to gyrate seductively in front of Robin van Persie, whirling their hair extensions wildly while rotating their hot-panted hind quarters at high speeds and promising vaguely to sell Emmanuel Adebayor to Tottenham for £5m in order to seal the deal. Spurs will pay Adebayor something close to £170,000 a week. Van Persie is little more likely to join City in the absence of the head-stamping hitman, with whom he is currently no-speaks.
The Roma goal-hanger Fabio Borini is "back on Brendan Rodger's radar". Borini had disappeared from the Rodgers radar after signing for Roma from Parma, but is now once again beeping and flashing despite signing a four-year contract two weeks ago. No. The Mill doesn't get it either. Rodgers is also in a smouldering funk over Fulham's goal-strike kicker Clint Dempsey, who could be on his way for an incredible £17m.
José Mourinho has taken a series of flattering photographs of Ricardo Carvalho, painted his wheels black, sprayed him with air freshener and is currently revving him up outside White Hart Lane in the hope of convincing André Villas-Boas he'll make a good part exchange for Luka Modric. No don't worry about that knocking noise, it's nothing. Carvalho, 43, was at Porto with Villas-boas. Spurs want £35m and – apparently – a very old defender who will play three games, get injured, sit behind the goalkeeping coach on the bench looking glazed for eight months and then go and play with Nicolas Anelka in China.
Arsenal and Chelsea are "hovering" after Steven Nzonzi failed to turn up at Blackburn's training camp in Austria. Both clubs also hovered a bit last season. Nzonzi would cost £5m. Arsène Wenger, when he's not levitating outside a Cul de Sac of new-build executive homes, the folds of his quilted blue sports coat flapping as he barks Nzonzi-friendly platitudes through a megaphone, is also "tracking" the 21-year-old Egyptian left-back Milo. Milo plays for Haras El Hodood and is also wanted by Lyon, Benfica and Sporting Lisbon.
Meanwhile Stoke are after the Houston Dynamos defender Geoff Cameron. "Personal terms are unlikely to be a problem with Cameron as he is on less than £3,000 a week in the States," The Sun notes. Help Geoff. Help Geoff now by sending what you can.