Today's chitter-chatter cites exceptional circumstances
It's another one of those mornings. The ones where you awake to suddenly remember what happened. That no, it wasn't all a dream, the events of the day before really did occur, and now nothing will ever be the same again.
You know the kind: you finally told her you love her; you lost patience and smacked him in the mouth; you've made off with the contents of the till and you're stuck in some godforsaken motel a couple of hours outside Phoenix, Arizona; you were cleaning the Higgs boson collider, you were only trying to help, and now you're being chased around by a supermassive black hole, if only you'd learned the lesson of the first time and just let the damn thing gather dust.
Fergie's done one, as well, of course, which means the particles would have probably been acting in an erratic fashion anyway. Everything's started moving around independently of everything else, bereft of moorings. It's chaos. It's like we're living in a rogue state two hours after the latest coup. It's like a county council meeting with two new Ukip members acting up at the back. If nothing else, Fergie at least brought order. The Mill misses Fergie. The Mill is suffering from Stockholm syndrome.
David Moyes is going to be the new boss of Manchester United for at least 44 days, and while everything stays the same, everything changes. He'll give Phil Neville a place on his coaching team, as well as Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs, and he'll take Leighton Baines with him from Goodison.
But the very first thing Moyes will do, unless he's going to drain a bottle of Bells and set fire to Fergie's desk in the car park, is get rid of Wayne Rooney. He's got no beef with his former Everton charge, despite having once taken him to court, but business is business. And after telling the young man that he only got all of the healthy follicles on the top of his head by cheating, he'll pack him off to Chelsea, Paris Saint-Germain or Bayern Munich.
His place in the Manchester United side as creator supreme will be taken by returning hero Cristiano Ronaldo. Sounds great, but never go back, is our advice. Unless the covering defender's committed himself.
Everton need a new manager too and are looking for a man capable of filling Moyesy's shoes, which were approximately 50 sizes smaller than Ferguson's the last time everyone got their feet measured. Roberto Martínez heads the chase, although Michael Laudrup, Neil Lennon, Vitor Pereira of Porto, Martin O'Neill, Mark Hughes and Gus Poyet are also in the frame.
As indeed is the aforementioned Phil Neville, which suggests that even old theatrical warhorses like Bill Kenwright get starstruck by what they see on TV, and if brother Gary had managed to go the whole hog and work a song-and-dance routine or two into his circling-defenders-and-making-them-go-back-and-forth-a-bit Sky Sports act, Phil would also be in the running to replace the Queen, the pope, and Ant & Dec.
In other news, Daniel Agger will turn down a move to Barcelona but Pepe Reina might go; Costel Pantilimon wants away from Manchester City; and Arsenal are planning a bid for QPR striker Loïc Rémy. All of which would usually get much more prominence, but how jaded would we have to become not to cite exceptional circumstances? Our brevity shows we still care.