The debrief on Jim White day
The morning after the very boring night before. It was quite possibly the moment when excitable Jim White trilled that Newcastle releasing Xisco was an interesting and exciting development that it became depressingly clear that Deadline Day hadn't so much jumped the shark as beaten the shark to death with a pair of waterskis. Take that, nature! Even Roll-up Man couldn't be bothered to roll his eyes at that one and he'd roll his eyes at Stoke signing Lionel Messi, Xavi and Andrés Iniesta.
But while most of us try to rouse ourselves from our Sky Sports News-induced slumber, at least one person had an eventful evening: step forward, Mr Peter Odemwingie, who has a fair bit of grovelling to do at West Brom after his off-off-off-off-off-off move to QPR fell through, if it's possible for a move that was never on to fall through. The Mill looks forward to seeing how Odemwingie is going to style this one out. Perhaps he could deny any knowledge of it ever happening, claiming he was in fact the victim of a Manti Te'o-style ruse, that he'd spent the entire day training and could he please have his move to QPR now.
Another man annoyed about a lack of transfer activity is Alex McLeish, who is rumoured to be quitting Nottingham Forest over the lack of transfer activity at the club. McLeish is thought to be furious after Forest's move for Peterborough's George Boyd collapsed after an eye problem was found during his medical. If you listen very carefully, you will be able to hear the following number of Forest fans pleading with McLeish to stay.
Daniel Levy forgot it was Deadline Day, thereby explaining why Tottenham failed to get the striker they need although at least they managed to resist signing Andy Booth and Grzegorz Rasiak again. In the end, Tottenham's bid for Internacional's Leandro Damiao fell short but – and fans of this saga will like this – they'll be back in for the Brazilian striker in the summer. Although they won't actually the bidding for him until 30 August because no one's getting the better of Levy, apart from Levy's ego.
Tottenham could also be in for the Shakhtar Donetsk midfielder Willian after his proposed move to Anzhi Makhachkala collapsed. Poor Anzhi! Won't somebody please think of poor Anzhi? Willian is available for £29m, though, so he'll be going to Chelsea instead, won't he.
David de Gea has four months to save his Manchester United career – well he's got to save something, right? Right?!?!?! Who's with The Mill?!!!?!?? Someone pull The Mill's finger! Actually that's deeply unfair. De Gea is obviously a very good goalkeeper. That should probably read: Michael Carrick has fourth months to save De Gea. But if Carrick keeps dropping the future Barcelona legend in the brown stuff, then United will move for Stoke's Asmir Begovic in the summer.
Luis Suárez will join Bayern Munich in the summer after pledging his future to Liverpool – that's how these things work – while Manchester City have identified clean-living Edinson Cavani as the man to replace Mario Balotelli. What's he like with fireworks?
And finally Gareth Bale is definitely going to Real Madrid for £80m on account of him saying he wants to play like Cristiano Ronaldo. Using the same logic … actually, that's impossible, because no logic was used in the making of that rumour.