Urgh! shuffle Grrrr! shuffle ... Today's tattle is fighting the undead
Vicious hangover, is it? Said no, did s/he? Aw, never mind, the Rumour Mill still loves you. And to that end, we've put together a short and snappy selection of post-Valentine's gossip today, one that can be digested on a churning stomach and read easily enough through a veil of hot tears.
Manchester United want, want, want. And as we know through 20 years of bitter experience, what Manchester United want, want, want, Manchester United usually get, get, get. They're after Udinese's tough-as-old-boots centre-back Mehdi Benatia – the 24-year-old Moroccan will cost £10m – and Real Madrid misfit midfielder Sami Khedira.
You'll notice that's only two wants. Well, Liverpool are interested in Benfica's Javi García, but United are in for him as well, so there goes that. In addition, while plundering the Lisbon giants, United will also make off with Nicolás Gaitán.
Four wants! The karmic balance for all this greed is that Paul Pogba is off to either Chelsea or Milan.
David Bentley is thinking about a move to Major League Soccer, presumably with the hope of finally getting a couple of games in the Premier League during his holidays when he's 36.
Guus Hiddink will turn down the chance to manage Chelsea for eight months before being sacked for not winning the quadruple, and instead take the job at moneyed Russian outfit and Lady Marmalade earworm Anzhi Makhachkala.
Daniel Sturridge wants out of Chelsea if they don't qualify for this season's Champions League. Sense of entitlement? Not in modern football, sir!
Tottenham Hotspur will pay São Paulo £3.1m for 20-year-old Brazil defender Bruno Uvini. This deal is about to be finalised, by all accounts, with nary a thought for the closed transfer window. It's almost as though Harry Redknapp can talk his way around any obstacle.
Newcastle United, £3m, Bolton midfielder, Mark Davies. The constituent parts of a rumour there.
Alan Curbishley heads a list at Wolverhampton Wanderers. He's presumably moving into catering, and Wolves are looking for someone to run the canteen, because it can't be regarding the vacant manager's position, surely? Ah, hold on, Steve Bruce is on the list too. Actually, no, this is still probably about the canteen, isn't it.
And Scotland boss Craig Levein is looking to whip Chelsea's Josh McEachran, Liverpool's Jonjo Shelvey, Hull City's Cameron Stewart, and Blackpool's Matt Phillips from under the noses of England. The chance to stack up a decent-sized collection of caps, an avoidance of all the pressure and nonsense that comes with England, and a guaranteed holiday every single summer? Where's the catch? Go north, young men!