Today's piffle is still thinking of that drive on the 13th
Joe Kinnear's first task as director of football at Newcastle United has been to abandon long-standing plans to sign Douglas. He's apparently never heard of him, a fact that has caused high amusement among a sneering press pack, several of whose members have extensive knowledge of the player themselves after watching 30 seconds of a video of the FC Twente defender on YouTube.
Arsenal have come to an agreement to sign Gonzalo Higuaín from Real Madrid. The £22m fee eclipses the £15m they paid Zenit St Petersburg for Andriy Arshavin, and the £14,000 they paid Wolverhampton Wanderers for Bryn Jones.
The good news never ends for Arsenal. Gervinho is off to either Marseille or Galatasaray, while Arsène Wenger has decided not to buy Ashley Williams. The Swansea defender will end up at Everton instead, where his reputation is sure to blossom under the inspired yoke of defensive mastermind Roberto Martínez.
Everton are also in for Nathan Redmond, who is in a footrace with Curtis Davies to find out who can skedaddle out of Birmingham first. Davies has the jump on the young winger, with a fee seemingly agreed with Hull City. Hull are also interested in free agent Carlton Cole, presumably having concluded that the former West Ham man can't score at any slower a rate than Nick Proschwitz, but let's see.
Rafael Benítez has somehow managed to avoid the wrath of his former doting fans at Liverpool for saving Chelsea from swirling down the pan, getting them into the Champions League and winning them a European trophy to boot. That's some feat, and now the new Napoli manager has decided to really test their patience by sticking in a huge bid for Luis Suárez.
You may recall Victor Wanyama, flavour of the month for a while last season until Celtic got knocked out of the Champions League and everyone writing about football down south forgot about him because he wasn't on ITV any more. Southampton are the latest club to show an interest in the 21-year-old midfielder, who'd do better to stay in Glasgow and get a couple more years of guaranteed experience in Europe under his belt, but you know how these things pan out.
Juventus, given their size and stature in Italy, have a history of stonking underachievement in the European Cup and Champions League. Looking for players schooled in this tradition, they've decided on a raid of Manchester City, and will accordingly make off with Aleksandar Kolarov and Carlos Tevez, though the latter, who has featured in every Rumour Mill since 23 August 2006, is also considering a switch to Milan, and really does need to make a decision to either stay or bugger off.
And finally Tom Ince, who has been linked in Mills passim with Tottenham Hotspur, Liverpool and Internazionale, is off to Malaysian franchise Cardiff City. He'll be thrilled that Blackpool dug their heels in to bump up the £8m bids that came in from north London, Merseyside and Milan, the club being rewarded for their crack negotiating skills with a whopping Cardiff bid of £8m.