Today's tittle-tattle is braced for a frenzy
So this explains why Alan Curbishley has been happy to bide his time in the Sky Sports Studio. Suddenly it's all so clear; suddenly everything makes sense. He's been waiting patiently, ready to pounce as soon as Sir Alex Ferguson abdicates the throne at Manchester United at the end of the season.
Yes, the days of gum-chewing and watch-tapping are drawing to a close, assuming everyone's not got their wires horribly crossed and Ferguson's actually eyeing up the newly-vacant positions at either Millwall or Wolves. Perhaps not.
While the government makes plans to grant him a state funeral when he does retire – they're really into footy, you see – United have already begun work constructing a huge statue of Ferguson, thus ensuring his presence looms large over whichever poor sap replaces him at Old Trafford.
It is thought that any job interview will mainly consist of showing that you can dance like a dad at a wedding when United score, which could rule out José Mourinho, even if it's said that his talks to replace Rafa Benítez at Chelsea have stalled. Strange, that.
Other contenders for the job include David Moyes, Jürgen Klopp, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Ryan Giggs, Gary Neville, Mark Hughes, Steve Bruce, Roy Keane, Paul Ince, Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole (as a pair), William Prunier, Eric Djemba-Djemba, Malcolm Glazer, Eamonn Holmes, James Nesbitt and Phil Brown.
Ferguson's not the only big name about to leave Old Trafford, though, with Wayne Rooney set to hotfoot it to Bayern Munich for £30m. In his dreams, The Mill is inclined to opine, but it says here that a deal has been struck. Well then, first the Germans steal Wembley from us and now they want our English rose. Where will it end? They're not going to be happy until all we're left with is our stiff upper lip. Assuming they don't want that too.
Luckily for United, it doesn't really matter if they lose Rooney because Chelsea have pulled out of the race for Radamel Falcao, giving them a free run at the Atlético Madrid striker, who is theirs for a cool £50m. Atlético will soothe their pain by signing Luis Suárez from Liverpool, while Chelsea are turning their attention to Borussia Dortmund's Robert Lewandowski.
So everyone's happy. Except Liverpool, of course, and they're going to be even more miserable once they find out that Barcelona will spend £8m on Pepe Reina to replace Victor Valdés. Or are they? Apparently Brendan Rodgers doesn't think that Reina is a good enough distributor of the ball from the back. The Mill always thought that was one of his strengths. Oh well. Brendan knows. Maybe he can put Joe Allen in goal instead.
Manchester City plan to offload Kolo the Klown to Milan, while Edin Dzeko will be part of a cash-plus-Dzeko deal to bring Napoli's Edinson Cavani to England, which puts news that Arsène Wenger is wrangling with his board over whether to sign QPR's Loïc Rémy or Vitesse Arnhem's Wilfried Bony into perspective.