Today's rumours were up all night
He might be a little bit paunchier, greyer and fonder of wearing a tracksuit on the touchline but none of that really matters, for this is a glorious day: daddy's coming home! Yes, try to contain your surprise at the news that Real Madrid have let José Mourinho go after three fairly underwhelming and tempestuous years, freeing him up for a return to Chelsea. Their supporters are understandably delighted at the news although there are some onlookers claiming you should never go back, a theory which is given credence by Mourinho wanting to bring in Steve Kean as a coach.
Careful, José, the Mill can see it now: two years of success, then a fall-out with Roman Abramovich over which Spiderman film was the best, and before you know it Kean will be the new Chelsea manager.
The first thing on Mourinho's to-do list is to sign Edinson Cavani and he'll have an added incentive on that front if his old chum Rafa Benítez accepts Napoli's offer to become their new manager. Indeed the managerial merry-go-round is whirring into action following these latest developments. Carlo Ancelotti wants to leave PSG and go to Madrid and the French club are eyeing up Laurent Blanc and Benítez to replace the Italian. That's actually the end of the merry-go-round. An ultimately disappointing and overly familiar ride but you still owe the Mill £5 for going on it. Don't make the Mill fetch its shotgun.
Barcelona have decided they could do with some defenders and will chuck £20m at Manchester City for their captain and philosopher-in-chief Vincent Kompany, although they'll probably try to shrink him and convert him into a tippy-tappy midfielder once he arrives at Camp Nou. Honestly, you can do anything with science these days.
Apart from turning Kolo Touré into a reliable defender, of course, not that Liverpool are too bothered by that. They want to sign the part-time car salesman and occasional City goofball as a replacement for Jamie Carragher.
With Madrid lining up a £50m bid, Gareth Bale has told Tottenham he wants a whopping £200,000 a week to stay after their failure to qualify for the Champions League. Luckily Spurs are going to free up some cash by selling Emmanuel Adebayor, Jermain Defoe and Clint Dempsey, with Christian Benteke, Lisandro López and David Villa all catching André Villas-Boas's roving eye.
Hull are also in the market for some strikers, with Steve Bruce targeting Blackburn's Jordan Rhodes and Burnley's Charlie Austin, while Stoke are set for crisis talks with Tony Pulis and want Phil Neville to join them as a first-team coach.