Football transfer rumours: Cesc Fábregas to Manchester United? Again?

This morning's rumours ripened on the vine

After pretending to want to sign Cesc Fábregas by offering not enough money to sign Cesc Fábregas, Manchester United still want to sign Cesc Fábregas. After pretending to want to play for Manchester United despite not really wanting to play for them at all, and then pretending to want to stay at Barcelona, Cesc Fábregas will decide to leave Barcelona and play for Manchester United despite not really wanting to play for them at all, when he discovers that he's still not a first choice at Barcelona. Until then, all will engage in debasing fandango.

Meanwhile Luis Suárez, who would never leave Liverpool Football Club Football Club because he understands just what a complex beast it is in every conceivable nuance – and that's a very complex beast in every conceivable nuance – has been misquoted. Not by Patrice Evra, but by a wicked, naughty, Uruguayan newspaper, which claimed he would remain at Liverpool Football Club Football Club thanks to the love of all who understand just what a very complex beast it is in every conceivable nuance. He does, it transpires, still consider playing for Arsenal a far higher standard of abject failure.

Talking of Arsenal, Arsène Wenger knows his history, and accordingly, is now trying to sign Manchester City's Edin Dzeko – the natural heir to John Radford, Paul Mariner, Alan Smith and Kevin Campbell. But City are keen to hold on to the player, so Wenger will turn his attention to Uluru.

But Dzeko may soon have a new friend, and who doesn't like new friends? Manuel Pellegrini is after a centre-back, and has grown impatient with Real Madrid's reprehensible unwillingness to sell him Pepe. Accordingly, he is not going to put his faith in the French international Jo-Leon Le Scott and instead extricate Martín Demichelis from Atlético Madrid – a club for which Demichelis only signed at the start of the summer.

Tottenham are trying to mitigate the sale of Tom Huddlestone by purchasing a sycamore tree. When the tree finds dealing with Daniel Levy simply too unbearable to countenance, they will switch focus to Roma's Erik Lamela.

Elsewhere in strikers, Sam Allardyce is interested in tempting Demba Ba back to West Ham. However, the move looks unlikely to go through, as Ba is rumoured to be not altogether interested in sweat, grease and size.

And finally, eager to address the defensive frailty that has troubled them ever since they signed Kevin Davies's Gerard Piqué, Barcelona would like to purchase defensive frailty's David Luiz from Chelsea. But José Mourinho is not amenable to the wheeze, so they may instead investigate Mamadou Sakho of Paris St-Germain, who may have had enough of the risible farce that is Ligue 1, except for the fact that La Liga is itself a risible farce.

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