OK so it's a bit embarrassing but I must admit to having started watching Celebrity Big Brother this year. Mostly because I heard bad boy Vinnie Jones had gone into the house. That, and I have no life

Joining Vinnie there's the usual mix of z-list 'wannabe a celeb but haven't quite got the talent' no hopers, washed up old celebs who's agents died during the war and, of course, there's the obligatory 'I only got on here because I laid someone with actual talent and / or I have nice big boobies' contenders. Oh actually this year, there's another type of contender, the 'I only got on here because I laid someone who has no actual talent but does have nice big boobies'.

Here's my take on the first week of scintillating 'action', broken into 3 easy to follow sections - sacks, dons, and of course, saving the best till last - eye candy.




Alongside Vinnie, probably the most bonafide celebrity in the house is Stephen Baldwin.

"Oh a Baldwin? Is he one of the cool, interesting Baldwins?" No, no he's not. He's the crazy, born again Christian Baldwin.

Within 2 minutes of being in the house he was already trash talking Obama, and had firmly cemented himself as a right-wing, gun-loving, creepy bible bashing mentalist. He enjoys passing time in the house by holding daily group bible readings, where he tells of a magical fantasy land where the Jesus wizard did super good things, m'kay? And said 'hell no' to the bad things, m'kay?

These 'teachings' have so far been met with a mixture of derisory bewilderment and just plain bewilderment by the rest of the science loving housemates. But one thing you can say about born again Christians is that they are anything but quitters. And brother Baldwin is no exception to this. When pressed on the question of evolution, he patiently explained to the stupid people he has now found himself surrounded by, that:

"Evolution is a myth. We cannot possibly have evolved from monkey's because if we had, the monkey's would no longer exist.". M'Kayyyyy.

The other two knobbos in the house are: Alex Reid (whoooooo?) - a very lame cross dressing cage fighter who is currently dating Katie Price AKA Jordan, and Dane Bowers, who used to be part of cheeseband 'another level' (whoooooo?). Oh, and it just so happens he used to date, yes, you've guessed it, Katie Price (do you see what the clever big bro boffins did there?)




Onto the Dons. Vinnie Jones of course, achieved Godfather status from the moment he walked into the house wearing a stetson. The more I see of his utter donness, the more I am beginning to think that Lock Stock was an actual documentary.

The don't f**k with me attitude which he was so well known for during his football career, is still very much alive and kicking in the man, as he passed his time by frowning a lot and ripping the piss out of Alex, the cross-dressing cage fighter, actor wannabe. Vinnie has done this pretty much from the moment he found out that Alex is, well, a cross-dressing cage fighter who dates Katie Price and wants to play the next James Bond (despite having had no acting experience whatsoever).

So far Vinnie has managed to tolerate brother Baldwin's wizard bothering though, and he even managed to sit through 'Grace' during dinnertime, without upending the table and/or slamming Baldwin's big fat head into a tanning bed. Still, as time goes by, judging from the stone-cold hatred in Vinnie's eyes, the latter scenario is pretty much an inevitability.

Other dons worthy of note is Swedish CheeseTrance DJ and serial smoothguy, Jonah AKA Basshunter, who went into the house with a huge bag of condoms and is currently at 2nd 'bass' with eye candy Katia. Nice work fella'! Basshunter has consistently had me in stitches with his crazy Swedish antics, not least the revelation that he once "bashed his bishop 25 times in a single day". A feat that no Englishman would even be physically capable of without dissolving into a crumpled heap of self loathing and remorse. Nice work Swedish fella'!

Sisquo oozes cool and is quietly disarming, though has so far been drowned out by the nonsense babble of his American brother Baldwin. However, he easily achieves don status simply by being the guy that gave the world "the thong song". Oh, now you remember him.




I'm not a huge fan of Lady Sovereign's music, I think she butchered the Cure's Close to Me and, although I realise Her Version is not a full Cure cover, it still makes me feel exactly like she is teasing my nether regions with a big pair of pliers - you know that it has all the key essential ingredients for being a pleasurable experience, but "Oh, God please stop now, it hurts".

Lady Sov has been marketed as the archetypal Chav - You know the sort - "I is rough and I is street yeah, don't be knowing me you foolish, get me?". However, far from being dumb and stupid like her PR gurus would have you believe, Sov is actually rather alluring, and dare I even say, really rather clever. She has a dry wit that is lost on most people in the house and I think that, just like Vinnie, it's only a matter of time before the tiny sliver of bottom lip that she has left, snaps, and she finally explodes infront of brother Baldwin, in a Marlboro Light laden cloud of Chav powered expletives. She's also pretty fit.
Hotness rating 4 / 5.

The other lady don is the house is the inimitable Heidi Floss. She achieves don status not only because she is the only housemate so far to have actually said out-loud "If I was locked alone in a room with Baldwin I would kill myself", but she also makes don status because she just so happens to have been the mastermind behind the world's most famous prostitution ring, catering to many high-powered hollywood execs and actors. Nice work fella'!

She eventually served 3 years in prison, after refusing to reveal the names of the hollywood clients in her 'little black book'. I raised more than a slight titter however, when upon entering the house, it was apparent that Heidi and Baldwin had met before. They later admitted to having 'met' at various hollywood 'parties' back in her prostitution days. The jury is still out on whether brother Baldwin's name is actually in her book of sin, but it's certainly plausible, given that this was way back in the days when brother Baldwin was just plain old Baldwin and merely 'born' like the rest of us. Oh, and he was a massive coke-fiend to boot. So who knows, maybe he was quite interesting back then? Anyhow, hotness rating for Heidi is a lowly 1 / 5 I'm afraid, looking as she does, like a bag of botox self-combusted inside a bag of spanners.

The jury is also out on OJ splattered mannequin face, Irvana Trump, who was a recent addition to the household.
Hotness rating 2 / 5.




And finally, we get to the actual totty.

First up we have Nicola T, who rose to fame in 2002 for winning Sun Newspapers first ever, Tit-Factor Page 3 Idol competition. She's the only WAG in the house, and currently romances Fulham's Bobby Zamora. Prior to her career of flesh-cashing, Nicola T used to be a lawyer? I put the ? There, because I very much hope that I heard the voiceover woman wrong when I thought I heard this being announced. Why would her being a lawyer be a problem? Well, because she's one of those very annoying Jade Goody airheads who thinks if she asks stupid questions like "What's an oxymoron, or what's the moon made of?", that everyone around her will giggle and titter at the oh so sweet and endearing talking pair of tits in the corner. And, I refuse to believe that if she really is / was a Lawyer AND a Page 3 girl at the same time, that she wouldn't have at least come across the word oxymoron, at least ten thousand times in her lifetime already. But, who cares about the personality right? You just wanna' know if she's hot? Well, I'm sad to say that no, from the chest up, she's nothing special.
Hotness Rating: 3 / 5

But fear not, because we are about to up the stakes. Next on the eye candy conveyor belt, is the hugely famous English actress and all-round super posh totty, Stephanie Beacham. At 62 years of age, she's the kind of Granny Rooney would have to say no to. Why? Because she's still totally flippin' hot, that's why.
Hotness Rating: 4.5 / 5

Moving onto someone who would need to take out a restraining order against me (© theonionbag), I give you Katia Ivanov. Famous only for being the 19 year sex siren that tempted rolling stone Ronnie Wood over to the dark side. Katia has had much attention from the press due to the er, well, I suppose it must be due to the 42 YEAR AGE GAP. Nice work Rolling Stone Fella'! She has been daubed a homewrecker by the media, for causing the eventual implosion of Ronnie's 23-year marriage. Call me a cynic, but I can't help think Ronnie also had something to do with the homewreckery.

Katia split with Ronnie last month, and is already dating another bloke, who I assume is far less leathery and corroded.

However, has the fact that Katia is currently in a happy relationship stopped our Swedish Love Don, Basshunter, making his moves? Of course not. In the 6 days they've been in the house, he finally got to 2nd 'bass' last night, managing to touch her lady parts whilst sleeping next to her in his bed. Take notes guys. He managed to do this armed only with his irresistible wily charms and awe inspiring chat-up line's ilke "Do you want to touch my feet with your feet?", "You're awesome" and "Let's play fart tennis".
Hotness Rating: 5 / 5

It's not embarassing Lee, you only feel that way because social pressures stop you being able to freely admit that you love watching Big Brother, come on mate you're bigger than that....

Anyway as I was saying it's not embarassing Lee, it's absolutely feckin shamefull you big girls blouse, are you having homosexual thoughts? I'm almost ashamed to know you....

So erm yeah, I caught about 20 seconds of Big Brother from the corner of my eye whilst fixing a gearbox and eating a vindaloo and looking at an old copy of readers wifes the other day.... And I have to say I agree with you about Lady Sov being sexy - I think it's the possibility that she has low self esteem that turns me on, as this would definately increase my chances of scoring with her, that and she looks like she would be proper dirty in bed

Nice thread anyhow you sad weirdo!

Is Basshunter in this Years CBB?

Good article Lee, full of jokes. As for the pictures, I wish it was the ladies pictures you wasted your Google search for. Mankini's? Now I have to check out porn to get these pictures out of my mind

Up until a few years ago (moving to NZ) I was a fan of Big Brother. I like the bizarre psychological experiments they play on their willing participants. I remember one week in normal Big Brother, about four years ago, when they forced everyone to match up a huge bucket of random nuts and bolts, alone, in a mirrored room where they pumped in terrible music. They had to do this for eight hours a day. The trick was, only one person was really doing it, and the others had to convince him they were all doing it every day. Instead of counting nuts and bolts, they were having champagne parties, cakes, games and loads of fun. The aim was to convince the one unlucky person that everyone was doing it for as long as possible. Brilliant.

There was a couple of other reasons why it was a good year.

ITS OVER LEE! NO MORE happy FUN TIME FOR YOU!

Haha

Lee's Super CBB Update - Funniest Moment So Far
Celebrity Big Brother housemate Jonas Altberg (that's BassHunter, though I had no idea he was in the house), described his own music as "torture" after he was forced to listen to it on a loop for more than six hours.


As punishment for failing his secret task, the Swedish DJ, aka Basshunter, and rapper Lady Sovereign were confined to a Punishment Room by Big Brother where his hit All I Ever Wanted was played over and over and over again, repeatedly, along with alarm noises if the pair appeared to be dozing off.


BassHunter exclaimed: "Punishment is one thing, but torture is another", while Lady Sovereign asked him "Why did you ever make this song up?"


The pair were locked in the room at 9.20pm and finally released and allowed to go to bed at 4am. Still could have been far far worse - Big Bro could have chosen a Lady Sov track as punishment.

Torture Scene (Courtesy of Alen)