Forums / Off Topic Banter
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Dear Ant...
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi Footytubers,

Thank you all for the awesome letters and input over the years, its been excellent hearing your agonies. I hope I didn't cause too many issues in your personal and professional lives with my answers! I am signing off now and riding away on my steed into the sunset, cape flapping in the wind

My final piece of advice regarding prostitutes: if you need to go to the bathroom, tell them to keep clapping their hands in the other room so that you know they aren't stealing your stuff

Kind regards,

Ant
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 2 years ago
Thanks you for each of your replies Ant, for taking the time to do this was just awesome, each of your replies were damn hilarious, I will miss reading them!
Niru (Chelsea) 2 years ago
LOL
Jeroen (Barcelona) 2 years ago
Ah, monsieur Antoine, why you leave? I hope you'll be back when the European Championship is here, so we can have a chat again. I haven't been doing much footytubing lately either. Guess my relationship with this website is finally getting strained too.

All the best counsellor, talk to you sooner, or later
Tony (footytube staff) 2 years ago
Just to clear things up a bit here, the mighty antster has moved on to new pastures although he will stick his head in from time to time, and he will always be an honorary mod in my book.
A sad loss to footytube in a big way
ManUK (Manchester United) 2 years ago
I have to give special thanks here to Ant for helping me escape the clutches of the footytube towers. Couldn't have done it without you…

Peace out Ant, your a footytube legend
Achiox (Manchester United) 2 years ago
This is like Berbatov leaving United, Drogba leaving Chelsea, RVP leaving Arsenal (assuming he is going to), and Guardiola leaving Barcelona all combined into one.

Truly a footytube legend and will not be forgotten
ScouserDan (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Cheers to you Ant, top class lad! True Liverpool fan and great mod!
ManOnDMoon (Manchester City) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,

I hope you can help me once more.

I don’t get on well with one of my colleagues; he has a serious god-like complex. I tried to avoid the conflict, but he is watching me, bitching about me and then.... Pretends we are pals. To make things worse, he plays stuff like Celine Dion, hates on Mario Balotelli (even though I’m sure he can’t tell him and Snoop Dogg apart), and looks like Terry, which is a bit disturbing.

What can I do before I lose my temper and make him swallow his own teeth?

Thanks and regards,

Manondmoon
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi Manondmoon,

Thanks for your letter. I think your only reasonable course of action is a non-stop assault of pranks and jokes. Here's a good one to start.

When they are gone home for the day, take the back of their chair off, and pour some pieces of seafood or some juice from a can of tuna in there. Close it all back up and hey presto - its the long play joke that can last for months.

Next buy some of these Annoy-o-trons. Hide them around his desk. If you're really cruel, put one in his car too.

As a final cheeky prank, get a friend to dress a police officer and knock on his door at 3am to tell him that everyone he loves is dead.





Best of luck!

Kind regards

Ant
Kerasface (PSG) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,

I still have a few weeks of holidays before the next semester starts. I don't know how to spend the time wisely. What do you think I should do?

Thanks
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi Kerasface,

Thanks for your letter. Back in my day before television or motorcars, we used to chase a hoop down a road with a stick.

If that's a little bit too exciting, I would recommend some of the other old-timey popular games, like "naked leapfrog", "bite the vicar", "who flung dung" or "drop trousers"



Ant, [C.]1902

Times were more innocent back then, and taking a dump on your neighbours doorstep was seen as a practical joke, not as an act of terrorism.

If all else fails, get out there in the fresh air and kick a football.

Kind regards

Ant


PS For the purpose of answering this, I have assumed you are a time travelling child from the early 1900s
Tony (footytube staff) 2 years ago
I hope your not having a dig at me scally.... Lol, I had a bigger hoop.... Lmao
I think the stick and the hoop were slightly even before my time.
But great advice as ever mate
Pragathish (AC Milan) 2 years ago
"who flung dung" LMAO
SaHac (Hamburger SV) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,

What have I done wrong? My primary gf hasn't spoken to me since valentines day. She says that she is livid over my saying "god, you look like your father, " to her. 1) I always thought that was a compliment; her father looks like a present-day marlon brando, and 2)I might have said it three times that day.... You know, when she tried on the dress i'd bought her/at dinner/during the movie. I mean really? Three times and its over?

I even told her that I saw hints of her mother, or maybe her grandmother, in her face and chest, but its like that just made things worse....

I don't know what to do. I haven't done anything wrong, right? I told her its too bad she doesn't have her father's brain because he wouldn't be such a diva.

Thanks again, sahac.
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Dear Sahac,

Thanks for your letter. Boy, oh boy. You really made a mess of that. The only way you could have made it worse is that if you said her chest reminded you of Marlon Brandos.




You need to fix this. Does she have a hot cousin or sister? Even an aunt? The best thing you can do is flirt heavily with them, and try to get to the stage you are kissing them or more. Then, text your girlfriend and tell her to meet you at a place you've arranged to kiss her family member.

When she turns up, she'll see you passionately making out with her nearest and dearest and she'll realise her mistake. She'll know you love the way her family looks, and therefore how she looks.

If all goes well, she'll join in and suddenly, you, her, her aunt, her sister and her cousin will all be in a king sized bed, making sweet, sweaty apologies to each other all night.

Bon appetit

Kind regards

Ant
Rudd (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Dear Ant.... I'm trying to find a **** girl so I can chat and yano stuff...
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Dear KTA7,

Thanks for your letter. The best way to meet girls is to dress up as one and enrol in an all girls school. I've seen several movies and this seems to work every time.

Kind regards

Ant
ManUK (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,

After escaping the chambers of the footytube towers I have skillfully been avoiding the footytube forces for months out looking for me (take note: changing your name is not effective, changing your face is).

Anyways I've made my way back to the gates of the footytube towers, and I'm rummaging out in the bushes as I speak. My ultimate goal is to free all the prisoners of the footytube towers, and take down the already crumbling footytube empire.

What's changed since I left? I need to plan out the break in

Sincerely,
ManUK
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Dear ManUK,

Thanks for your letter.

Why would I want to leave? We're so happy. So very happy.

Kind regards

Ant





ǝɔılod ǝɥʇ llɐɔ
ManUK (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,

I called the police, they arrested and put me in jail for watching movies on an illegal website.

Thanks for big help

ManUK
PeterzeGooner (Arsenal) 2 years ago
Dear Ant.... I need you to tell me what to do

It was new years and my closest friend revealed something I could not imagine. He told me his gay. I had no idea, this is someone who we grew up together and played football together in high school. We even chased the girls together back then. He saw my jug in the showers.

I had no idea. Now his telling me he needs my help to break the news to his parents. Thing is he doesn't want to be around when someone tells his parents. Cause where am from they kinda hang gay people. His dad would kill him

Mate how am I supposed to approach this while making sure his family doesn't hate him forever?
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Dear Godzilla,

Thanks for your letter. You're in a tricky situation, but I think I have come up with a solution that will satisfy everyone.

Firstly, hide your friend outside of the house while you go in to tell his parents. Assure him that everything will go well. Then when you go to tell his parents, simply don't tell them. Instead, put a DVD in their player of the loudest, raunchiest gay man love that you can find. Point at the tv, then point at a picture of their son, then point at the tv.

Use the intenational symbol of gayness



Explain in detail what he likes to do, using hand signals and puppets, mime and song. Then, call in your friend and make your excuses to leave.

One of two things will happen. Either they'll hug him and understand completely, or they'll kick him out of the house. Either way, he'll be better off that living in a place where they hate gay people.

Kind regards

Ant
Juno (AC Milan) 2 years ago
Dear Agony Ant,    My new year resolution is to get a new job. Any suggestions?
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Dear Juno,

Thanks for your letter. Might I interest you in the world of alternative employment? What are your skills? If you are fast at running and good with your hands, may I suggest being a shoplifter and/or riot looter?




People will even adjust your collar for free.

If you want a job that will always have clients, I recommend becoming a gravedigger. In fact, you can combine jobs. If you like finding treasure, why not dig graves in known pirate treasure areas? If you don't find any chests or booty (not porn) then at least you have several fresh graves dug.

If shoplifter or gravedigger do not suit you, then I apologise but I don't think there are any other jobs available. I will keep your CV on file and contact you if anything comes up.

Kind regards

Ant
Tony (footytube staff) 2 years ago
Bet your sorry you asked juno.... Lol
LumpOfCelery (Chelsea) 3 years ago
Dear Ant

My dad keeps on asking me to get red cards so he can get some money. Please can you give me a solution?

From

Wazza
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Dear Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. I believe there is a tradition in China whereby they give red cards to children with monrey in them, for good luck. Solution for you, dress your father as a chinese child and force him onto a cargo ship to Shanghai.

亲切的问候和好运

Ant
ManOnDMoon (Manchester City) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,

I begin to suspect that my wife is taken by insane passion for another man.

I heard her whispering "Roo.... " in her sleep and it happened more than once!
This morning she asked me if I would have a hair transplant.

I trust your advice in my despair.

MoDM
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi ManOnDMoon,

Thanks for your letter.

The first thing we need to work out is whether your wife is a sixty year old woman with breasts on her knees and eyebrows on her cheeks. If no, you have nothing to worry about. She is probably fantasizing about having passionate love with a kangaroo. This is perfectly normal and all women do this several times a day.




However, if your wife IS the 60 year old hag that I described, then I have no doubt that rapscallion scouser Rooney is drilling her for crude oil. In fact, as you read this, he's probably upstairs right now backscuttling her and sweating his hairplugs out all over your pillowcase.

Best course of action is for you to go, right now, and burst into her room screaming rooney BE GONE. I believe if you hold a lighter under him for several seconds and remove him from her with a tweezers, like a tick, you can chuck him out the window.




Best of luck!

Kind regards,

Ant
ManOnDMoon (Manchester City) 3 years ago
What a relief. I will turn the situation to my advantage by purchasing an Aussie Halloween costume. Thank you so much
SIMPLYGODS 3 years ago
I had a quick question over the President of US and A. Do you think he is a pervert or just a horny older man, that its ok that he is?




In this figure we see that his signature is really something else. I don't know how I never saw this until know but we have one dirty president with something constantly on his mind. What is your view on this?
~SG
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi SimplyGods,

Thanks for your letter. I'm no expert in handwriting but I have asked one of my celebrity friends, Kelly Osbourne, to answer your question. She is an amateur graphologist.




"Like, I've totally looked at the images and the second one has an extra line drawn in. Anyway even if it didn't the balls are hanging the wrong way". - kellyOs

Not sure if this answers your question? I have no idea. I don't think I'll be asking Kelly Osbourne for help again.

Kind regards,

Ant
ManUK (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,

After months of searching, I have finally escaped the footytube towers.

The tubes led me to a air duct where I was slowly able to make my way through the footytube laundry air tubes. Given, when they turned on the dryer it was a near death experience, but trust me it was worth it. Eventually I was able to escape through the chimney where the air's released. Yes yes I know, your probably asking how I was able to fit through a chimney. Well try not eating for a month, and then you'll probably be able fit through it too.




Oh and did you hear the alarm go off the other day? Yea that was me, as I left the footytube towers I triggered the alarm and Lee came stumbling out after me. Beer in one hand, taser in the other. It wasn't much to worry about, after about 50 yards he passed out cold and I left as quickly as possible.

Don't worry Ant, I haven't forgotten you. I'll be back to help you escape the footytube towers, but we need to formulate a plan, got any brilliant ideas?

Sincerely,

ManUK


Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi ManUK,

Thanks for your letter. I am so happy you have escaped. Obviously footytubes last line of defence, Lee + taser, is useless. His other job around the place is chasing the snails and turtles out of the footytube gardens.

I have several plans for my own escape but I'm so hungry and scared that I don't know if it will work. My first plan is to mush myself up with a fork into a kind of mince paste, then feed myself to the footytube hounds. I expect they would head outside and in a day or two, they would pass me out naturally onto the grass. Like I say, I haven't really thought about that one much so it might not work.




Another plan I have been loosely formulating is this. I have been saving up all my urine in jars but I never really had a good reason. However I now have an idea! Every week or two a mysterious hatch opens in the walls of Ants basement and a hand comes in holding a tray with scraps of food and some tasks to do. I think if I time it right and empty all the jars of urine over myself just before the hand comes in, perhaps the owner will think Matt is in the room, and open the hatch a little more to look. I strongly feel if I can get through that hatch I will make it into the pipes and up through the chimney too.





I have some other plans but they are unrealistic as compared to those two. Stuff I've learned so far:
* You can't knit keys out of pubes.
* The footytube staff probably don't know I'm still in Ants basement
* Pigs can't whistle

Let me know what life is like outside

Kind regards

Ant
SIMPLYGODS 3 years ago
Dear Mr. Ant,

I'm extremely worried about my girl friend it seems that she has grown a pair of boobs on her back instead of her chest! I don't know what to do. Should she get surgery or should I just be happy with what I got, or is there any other thing you think would help get this problem solved? This is really affecting my love life since I can't look at her in the face without thinking she's a man, only way my love life is happy is if she's on her back :S




Urgently need your help!

~SG
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi SimplyGods,

Thanks for your letter. You have a quick decision to make. Are the boobs on her back bigger than the ones on her front? If so, it's time for her to start shaving her head and applying makeup to the back of her head.

If not, then its time for this




Soon enough it will start to look like this.




If not, let me know and I'll sort it.

Kind regards,

Ant
SIMPLYGODS 3 years ago
Dear Ant,
The real problem is that her breasts have actually grown on her back their aren't even nipples on her chest.

I need to know whether I need a trained professional (doctor) to do the procedure? Or do you think you can give me some helpful insight on how to do it myself. I need a list of:
Tools
Medication
String + Needle
Whatever else you might think useful

Thanks for your help,
~SG
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi SimplyGods,

Thanks for your letter. This is going to need some Frankenstein therapy. Remove the head completely, reverse it and put it on backwards. Job done. I have never done this myself but I assume it would work.

Kind regards

Ant

PS WOW almost forgot to remind that the sewer and playground are now reversed below too.... Don't forget!
SIMPLYGODS 3 years ago
So head and bottom half removal turn around + reattachment sounds like a tough job but I think I can manage! Thank you Papa Ant =P you really are a professional! You should have your own radio show your professionalism rivals that of Dr. Drew.

Thank you so much for your time Ant much appreciated I can finally be happy in my relationship!
~sg
Pragathish (AC Milan) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,
I'm stuck in this vicious cycle:

Link: www.collegehumor.com/article/6492421/the-6-stages-...

What should I do with my hair?

Desp-hair-atley,
Pragathish
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Prag,

Thanks for your lett-hair. Growing your hair out can be a shameful, embarrassing thing to do. Sometimes you wish like you could wear a mask and get it all done while looking like someone else. In that case, I recommend you try one of the following styles on the back of your head.







You will have to wear your clothes backwards, walk backwards, sit on the toilet backwards etc. Then you can grow the top of your hair and a big beard so that when it is long enough, you just switch it up and make your face look like the back of your head. After a while, you can grow the back of your hair out and hey presto - you're sorted. Hair in stages.

Hope this helps you

Kind regards

Ant
ManUK (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,

I'm assuming the mask knitting operation was a failure. I do have some good news though. I spent a great deal of time sniffing around the cell for remains of scottie, and much to my joy I found an array of broken spider legs arranged in a pattern in the corner. It was hard to make out, but I finally decided it read "UP".

I assumed by "UP" he meant the ceiling. Seeing nothing while looking at it though, I decided to jump and touch it. A slight crack appeared when I did, and after 9 hours of hard work, I managed to pry it open to where I could fit through it. After working to close it behind me (we don't want Matt finding this out do we?) I found my self smashed between floors, before I finally worked my way to some sort of pipe and tunnel system.

I've been crawling through the tunnels for a month, with nothing but my laptop. Searching, endlessly for an exit. I stopped when I came across this writing on the floor, you knew scottie, any idea what it means?




Please help me out of this mess ant. Can you yell? Sing? Scratch on the pipe? Anything? Oh, and I keep finding parsnips strewn about

Kind Regards,

ManUK
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Manuk,

Thanks for your letter. You are correct in assuming the mask knitting was a failure. It ended up too short and curly. Plus it stank like parmesan.

It sounds like you are in the underchambers. If my calculations are correct then by breaking up through the ceiling of the cell blocks (well done by the way) you should be in the third level basement. I have attached the schematics but be warned these are from the 18th century, so it may have changed.




Wait - did you say parsnips? It sounds like you're in the actual football tubes, where footytube gets its name. You might be in the lair of the mods. That's where lee and Matt store the normal mods when they are doing their modly work. Look for locked chambers and listen outside each of them. If you hear constant farting, coughing and the sound of bottles being smashed, its very likely Tonys chamber. If you hear raggae music and smoke is drifting out under the door, it might be Donnchadh. There is nothing in the cells but a concrete slab for a bed, a hole for a toilet and the laptop for mod work. Sheer luxury as compared to where I am.

I am not sure what that code on the floor means, but very likely it was the rabid scrawling of an ex mod before he got released (into the furnaces).

I am currently banging two parsnips together and trying to make vegetable instruments. Can you hear it?



A parsnip, yesterday

Godspeed your escape, you are my only hope.

Kind regards,

Ant



   
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