Forums / Off Topic Banter
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Dear Ant...
Rogue4341 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Dear ant,  Um.... I forgot what to ask. Can you help?    Forgetfully,  Rogue
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Rogue,

Thanks for your letter. I can't remember my answer but it has something to do with robots or lizards, I think.

Kind regards

Ant
Rogue4341 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Wow.... That was exactly it thanks!
ManUK (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Hi Ant,

I seem to have gotten lost and posted on the wrong forum.

Can you help me find a way out? I'd really like to get some sleep tonight

It's 3 am,

ManUK

Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Manuk,

Thanks for your letter.

Have a think about what you're asking! If there was a good way to get out of the forum, would I still be here? Its been over two years now that I've been sniffing about looking for an exit.

Anyone who knows me on the site know well that Matt and Lee have me trapped in "Ants Basement" to keep me out of harms way. It's a place where I can sit in the dark, ignoring the big hairy spiders, working out experiments. I get about 20 minutes electricity a day, so during those times I do research and try to help the members of the site.




Hopefully one day I will be able to run free again, smell the fresh air and not just the cracked sewer pipe running down that left hand wall. Let me tell you noise carries through that thing and I have heard some unsavoury things from up in footytube Towers after the weekly curry night.

Good luck in your escape.

Kind regards,

Ant

PS Listen for me knocking on the pipe if you ever visit the FT towers
Rogue4341 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,

I think I might be addicted to football. I can't sleep without dreaming about it. All my freetime is spent playing it. I watch it every second of everyday. So.... Should I play Keeper or should I play midfield? Or should I.... See what I mean?! What should I do?

-Rogue.
P. S. Seriously, Keeper or mid?
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Rogue,

Many thanks for your letter. It's not easy to think about things other than football. Sometimes when I'm in work, I can imagine a football commentator reading out the text I'm looking at. I can imagine Nani diving all over it, crying. Some people might call it madness, but you and I know its not - it's a very serious condition called footballitus.





I work among the medical side of the NZ National football Team from time to time, so I know what it looks like.

First comes the itchy, patchy hair. Then the beer gut. Next comes the belching. Eventually you get totally covered in coarse hair and can't help but watch football 24/7.



Me, yesterday.

As for playing in goals or midfield, why choose. Play in goals, but make frequest runs to the halfway line to dribble around onrushing attackers. I'm sure your team mates will applaud your inventiveness. Perhaps not.

Kind regards

Ant

Rogue4341 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Thanks you really helped me!
ManUK (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Hi again Ant,

Sorry for writing you so soon, but it was urgent.

I already knew about the footytube tower situation, but it’s funny you mentioned it as my next question pertains to it.

You see while being trapped on the forums I discovered many things. One of these things had to do with tigers and staff, but I won’t go into details.

Well it was highly illegal so I decided I needed to call the authorities on them. I picked up the phone but before I could finish my call, men who looked like this stormed into my house, grabbed me, and threw me into the back of a van.



I was then hulled to a small cramp room in the footytube towers with nothing but my laptop allowed in with me. (I haven’t been allowed power till now which is why I didn’t write you sooner).

Anyways, I think your basement is the room below mine as I keep hearing a sound like this through the floor.




Please help me escape the clutches of Matt and Lee.

ManUK

PS we’re having crickets for dinner tonight.

Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi ManUK,

Thanks for your letter. It sounds like you could have just shouted it out loud and I would have heard it. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that it was Matt and Lee that have kidnapped you. I recognise that mask anywhere. Its what they wear when they burst into Ants basement and make me do the thing with the parsnips.

Sniff the air. Does it smell like a mixture of cheap, handrolled cigarettes, home made alcohol, body odour and a slight twinge of wet underpants? If so, you are definitely in footytube towers. Listen carefully. I'm scratching at my roof, your floor. That was definitely me rattling against the metal earlier but you weren't supposed to hear it. I had just found a parsnip in the bin that looked a little like a lady and was busy.

So, onto the escape. Now that there are two of us we can formulate some kind of plan I hope. Have a look around for the toilet hole in your room. That should drop straight down into my room. I will shout a question, and you can answer 1 poo for yes, 2 poo's for no. If you didn't hear what I said, send down maybe ten poo's.

I will work on creating those gimpy masks that Lee and Matt wear so that we can knock them out and take their place. Until then, just do everything they say or you might become the new parsnip guy, or even worse the new parsnip.

Kind regards

Ant
ManUK (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Alright Ant it's been going well so far. I probably write within the next week to see how things are going and for any questions
SaHac (Hamburger SV) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,

I have four pet cats, and that is a lot to handle. I love three of them very much, but I am getting more and more worried that they do not respect me. Sometimes, when I am about to leave for work, one or two of them will approach me and meow disrespectfully for me to stay. I try to reason to them that I HAVE to go to work, but they don't understand because they don't have jobs. They're spiraling out of control and they sleep almost 16 hours a day! I've gone so far as to threaten to neuter them all a second time if they don't change their attitude.

What should I do?
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi SaHac,

Thanks for your letter. Firstly, neuter the lot of them. You say you have four cats but only like three of them. Shave the one you don't like. I know if I had four cats, the very first thing I would do is create my ultimate dream - the sCATeboard! (note, not the scatboard, that's something else).

Yes, imagine a large surfboard sized skateboard, but with cats instead of wheels. Imagine the sheer look of delight on your face as you stand atop your sCATeboard. Imagine the envy and lust onlookers would feel as you slowly glide by on your hissing, meowing ride.

It's simple to make. One ironing board. Four shaved cats. Tub of superglue. Remember to glue them on legs downwards - lets not be cruel here.

As an added bonus, you can use it as a regular surfboard. Cats love water, so it would be as much of an adventure for them as for you. I think cats love water anyway.

I hate cats.

Kind regards,

Ant
SaHac (Hamburger SV) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,

Thank you for your advice, I made one of those with hamsters a few years ago, thinking their small lumpy bodies would help simulate skateboarding on mars. Sadly, somewhere between the beginning and the end of my 3 day adventure they passed away (not really, they haunt my attic.... Damn shallow graves....). Is there a less destructive solution? Something that could maim but not murder? I couldn't handle all the ghost cats and hamsters; they would never stay in their cages....

And so it begins, we're back to a respect thing.

Please, if you can, help me.

Sincerely and disgruntled,

S

P. S. It can't involve glue. It costs a fortune here, and I used three tube-fulls putting their whiskers back on the other day. Oh. That didn't work either.
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hey Sahac,

Thanks for your letter. Have you ever heard of the human centipede? Google it. I recommend making a CATerpillar. Sew those felines together in a row.

Kind regards,

Ant
ManUK (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,

I found the name Scottie carved into the wall of my cell, along with a few bones and a skull strewn around. What do you suppose this means?

Sincerely,
ManUK

PS sorry for the lack of communication; Matt hasn't been feeding me much lately
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi ManUK,

Thanks for your letter. I think we now know where you're being kept. Are the walls padded? Are there pictures of Susan Boyle stuck around? If I remember Scottie well, he has hidden a message somewhere for you. He definitely escaped and was the only person to ever do so, so it's definitely possible. The message might be a note scratched on the wall, it might be trained cockroaches that walk in Morse code, or it might be a turd in the bowl with Braille corn-lumps. Rest assured, its there somewhere.




By the way I'm finding it hard to knit full sized balaclavas out of pubes. The bit I made isn't great and its stupidly itchy. I might have to scrap that particular escape idea.

Kind regards

Ant
Emmetwb (Arsenal) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,

I haven't got any pubes. I've just got pube. It's one extremely long pube that I imagine has the same volume as several hundred regular sized pubes. It's getting to be a nuisance and I've tried everything from trimming it and gluing the trimmings to my belly to naming it larry. I'm just so confused I tried to contact you through the post with your usual greeting (ten poos in a regular brown envelope) but the postal service must have lost it and I also forgot to put an address on the letter.

Yours Sincerely,
Emmet
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi Emmet,

Thanks for your letter. I do hope I have answered in time, because I know the temptation would be to pluck that monster pube from its groinly abode and discard it onto the fire. Do not do this! It is not only a fire risk but your bald codpiece would embarrass your descendants.

Firstly, I would recommend you use the embedded spiral thread wrap technique. "What's that?", you might ask. There are numerous websites dedicated to fixing issues very much like the ones you have described - pubus elongus, or "long pube". One such site is 'rod building tutorials' which teaches the everyman how to increase the girth and length of their meat rods, by encasing it in freakishly long pubes.


Link: www.rodbuildingtutorials.com/Wrapping%20Tutorials/... Embedded%20Thread%20Spiral.Pdf

Certainly that's the place you should start, and hopefully the ladies will assume you're part yeti, when they see your hair-covered trouser snake. Aside from that I can only recommend a merkin, or crotch wig.

Kind regards,

Ant

PS I got your letter, delicious, thank you
Tony (footytube staff) 2 years ago
Baldy
Jimmyjack (Schalke 04) 2 years ago
Dear ant
I was playing football yesterday with some really rubbish cheap boots is there any you can reccomend

Thanks
Jimmyjack
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi Jimmyjack,

Thanks for your letter. I'm currently based in Wellington, New Zealand, so the first choice boots of all the football players here are Wellington boots.




If you don't fancy wearing those beasts, I like to wrap my feet in feathers. I play on the wings.

Kind regards,

Ant
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,    I hate working and paying for things, but I love getting drunk and spending money!    What should I do?!?
Pragathish (AC Milan) 2 years ago
(minus the drinking part)  I have the same damned question Ant, help me too, grazie mille in advance
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi Greatscot and Prag,

Thanks for your letters! This is a very common problem. One way to get around this issue is to get a job that satisfies the things you like. Greatscot, I recommend you get a job in a beer factory as a taster - you'll get paid to be drunk. Prag, I recommend you become a professional thief. In that way both of you can go to work happy, knowing that you're earning money by doing the things you love.

If those suggestions don't work for you, I recommend you look for very rich, elderly widows, and kiss them to death.




Kind regards

Ant

GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 2 years ago
Thanks for that Ant, Handed in my application form this morning and going to get some practice in just now so I don't look stupid in the interview!
Tony (footytube staff) 2 years ago
Whens susan boyle turning up john, I hope the kiss will be on you tube.... Lol
ManUK (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,

I'm assuming the mask knitting operation was a failure. I do have some good news though. I spent a great deal of time sniffing around the cell for remains of scottie, and much to my joy I found an array of broken spider legs arranged in a pattern in the corner. It was hard to make out, but I finally decided it read "UP".

I assumed by "UP" he meant the ceiling. Seeing nothing while looking at it though, I decided to jump and touch it. A slight crack appeared when I did, and after 9 hours of hard work, I managed to pry it open to where I could fit through it. After working to close it behind me (we don't want Matt finding this out do we?) I found my self smashed between floors, before I finally worked my way to some sort of pipe and tunnel system.

I've been crawling through the tunnels for a month, with nothing but my laptop. Searching, endlessly for an exit. I stopped when I came across this writing on the floor, you knew scottie, any idea what it means?




Please help me out of this mess ant. Can you yell? Sing? Scratch on the pipe? Anything? Oh, and I keep finding parsnips strewn about

Kind Regards,

ManUK
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi Manuk,

Thanks for your letter. You are correct in assuming the mask knitting was a failure. It ended up too short and curly. Plus it stank like parmesan.

It sounds like you are in the underchambers. If my calculations are correct then by breaking up through the ceiling of the cell blocks (well done by the way) you should be in the third level basement. I have attached the schematics but be warned these are from the 18th century, so it may have changed.




Wait - did you say parsnips? It sounds like you're in the actual football tubes, where footytube gets its name. You might be in the lair of the mods. That's where lee and Matt store the normal mods when they are doing their modly work. Look for locked chambers and listen outside each of them. If you hear constant farting, coughing and the sound of bottles being smashed, its very likely Tonys chamber. If you hear raggae music and smoke is drifting out under the door, it might be Donnchadh. There is nothing in the cells but a concrete slab for a bed, a hole for a toilet and the laptop for mod work. Sheer luxury as compared to where I am.

I am not sure what that code on the floor means, but very likely it was the rabid scrawling of an ex mod before he got released (into the furnaces).

I am currently banging two parsnips together and trying to make vegetable instruments. Can you hear it?



A parsnip, yesterday

Godspeed your escape, you are my only hope.

Kind regards,

Ant
Pragathish (AC Milan) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,
I'm stuck in this vicious cycle:

Link: www.collegehumor.com/article/6492421/the-6-stages-...

What should I do with my hair?

Desp-hair-atley,
Pragathish
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi Prag,

Thanks for your lett-hair. Growing your hair out can be a shameful, embarrassing thing to do. Sometimes you wish like you could wear a mask and get it all done while looking like someone else. In that case, I recommend you try one of the following styles on the back of your head.







You will have to wear your clothes backwards, walk backwards, sit on the toilet backwards etc. Then you can grow the top of your hair and a big beard so that when it is long enough, you just switch it up and make your face look like the back of your head. After a while, you can grow the back of your hair out and hey presto - you're sorted. Hair in stages.

Hope this helps you

Kind regards

Ant
SIMPLYGODS 2 years ago
Dear Mr. Ant,

I'm extremely worried about my girl friend it seems that she has grown a pair of boobs on her back instead of her chest! I don't know what to do. Should she get surgery or should I just be happy with what I got, or is there any other thing you think would help get this problem solved? This is really affecting my love life since I can't look at her in the face without thinking she's a man, only way my love life is happy is if she's on her back :S




Urgently need your help!

~SG
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi SimplyGods,

Thanks for your letter. You have a quick decision to make. Are the boobs on her back bigger than the ones on her front? If so, it's time for her to start shaving her head and applying makeup to the back of her head.

If not, then its time for this




Soon enough it will start to look like this.




If not, let me know and I'll sort it.

Kind regards,

Ant
SIMPLYGODS 2 years ago
Dear Ant,
The real problem is that her breasts have actually grown on her back their aren't even nipples on her chest.

I need to know whether I need a trained professional (doctor) to do the procedure? Or do you think you can give me some helpful insight on how to do it myself. I need a list of:
Tools
Medication
String + Needle
Whatever else you might think useful

Thanks for your help,
~SG
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi SimplyGods,

Thanks for your letter. This is going to need some Frankenstein therapy. Remove the head completely, reverse it and put it on backwards. Job done. I have never done this myself but I assume it would work.

Kind regards

Ant

PS WOW almost forgot to remind that the sewer and playground are now reversed below too.... Don't forget!
SIMPLYGODS 2 years ago
So head and bottom half removal turn around + reattachment sounds like a tough job but I think I can manage! Thank you Papa Ant =P you really are a professional! You should have your own radio show your professionalism rivals that of Dr. Drew.

Thank you so much for your time Ant much appreciated I can finally be happy in my relationship!
~sg
ManUK (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,

After months of searching, I have finally escaped the footytube towers.

The tubes led me to a air duct where I was slowly able to make my way through the footytube laundry air tubes. Given, when they turned on the dryer it was a near death experience, but trust me it was worth it. Eventually I was able to escape through the chimney where the air's released. Yes yes I know, your probably asking how I was able to fit through a chimney. Well try not eating for a month, and then you'll probably be able fit through it too.




Oh and did you hear the alarm go off the other day? Yea that was me, as I left the footytube towers I triggered the alarm and Lee came stumbling out after me. Beer in one hand, taser in the other. It wasn't much to worry about, after about 50 yards he passed out cold and I left as quickly as possible.

Don't worry Ant, I haven't forgotten you. I'll be back to help you escape the footytube towers, but we need to formulate a plan, got any brilliant ideas?

Sincerely,

ManUK


Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi ManUK,

Thanks for your letter. I am so happy you have escaped. Obviously footytubes last line of defence, Lee + taser, is useless. His other job around the place is chasing the snails and turtles out of the footytube gardens.

I have several plans for my own escape but I'm so hungry and scared that I don't know if it will work. My first plan is to mush myself up with a fork into a kind of mince paste, then feed myself to the footytube hounds. I expect they would head outside and in a day or two, they would pass me out naturally onto the grass. Like I say, I haven't really thought about that one much so it might not work.




Another plan I have been loosely formulating is this. I have been saving up all my urine in jars but I never really had a good reason. However I now have an idea! Every week or two a mysterious hatch opens in the walls of Ants basement and a hand comes in holding a tray with scraps of food and some tasks to do. I think if I time it right and empty all the jars of urine over myself just before the hand comes in, perhaps the owner will think Matt is in the room, and open the hatch a little more to look. I strongly feel if I can get through that hatch I will make it into the pipes and up through the chimney too.





I have some other plans but they are unrealistic as compared to those two. Stuff I've learned so far:
* You can't knit keys out of pubes.
* The footytube staff probably don't know I'm still in Ants basement
* Pigs can't whistle

Let me know what life is like outside

Kind regards

Ant
SIMPLYGODS 2 years ago
I had a quick question over the President of US and A. Do you think he is a pervert or just a horny older man, that its ok that he is?




In this figure we see that his signature is really something else. I don't know how I never saw this until know but we have one dirty president with something constantly on his mind. What is your view on this?
~SG
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi SimplyGods,

Thanks for your letter. I'm no expert in handwriting but I have asked one of my celebrity friends, Kelly Osbourne, to answer your question. She is an amateur graphologist.




"Like, I've totally looked at the images and the second one has an extra line drawn in. Anyway even if it didn't the balls are hanging the wrong way". - kellyOs

Not sure if this answers your question? I have no idea. I don't think I'll be asking Kelly Osbourne for help again.

Kind regards,

Ant
ManOnDMoon (Manchester City) 2 years ago
Dear Ant,

I begin to suspect that my wife is taken by insane passion for another man.

I heard her whispering "Roo.... " in her sleep and it happened more than once!
This morning she asked me if I would have a hair transplant.

I trust your advice in my despair.

MoDM
Ant (Liverpool) 2 years ago
Hi ManOnDMoon,

Thanks for your letter.

The first thing we need to work out is whether your wife is a sixty year old woman with breasts on her knees and eyebrows on her cheeks. If no, you have nothing to worry about. She is probably fantasizing about having passionate love with a kangaroo. This is perfectly normal and all women do this several times a day.




However, if your wife IS the 60 year old hag that I described, then I have no doubt that rapscallion scouser Rooney is drilling her for crude oil. In fact, as you read this, he's probably upstairs right now backscuttling her and sweating his hairplugs out all over your pillowcase.

Best course of action is for you to go, right now, and burst into her room screaming rooney BE GONE. I believe if you hold a lighter under him for several seconds and remove him from her with a tweezers, like a tick, you can chuck him out the window.




Best of luck!

Kind regards,

Ant
ManOnDMoon (Manchester City) 2 years ago
What a relief. I will turn the situation to my advantage by purchasing an Aussie Halloween costume. Thank you so much



   
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