Forums / Off Topic Banter
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Dear Ant...
LumpOfCelery (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Dear Ant    I am preparing my awkward return to footytube what should I do to ease me back into this form.    Ayyam Out.
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. The best preparation for your return is to light a few hundred candles, sit crossed legged on the floor with your eyes closed, and pray to the God of football. If you need a mental image, it looks like a huge floating football with a human face on it, shouting and laughing. I think if you pray to this for about sixteen hours a day for the next month, you'll see some results and your bad breath will clear right up. That's what you wanted, right?

Kind regards

Ant
Jimmybreeze 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I need to alter an online letter from the student finance company to make it look like I have received less money than I really have because I'm to send it to my maman, as I have already spent a bit of it. What is the best program to use?

Sneakily,
JB
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi JB,

Many thanks for your letter and sorry for the delay. Hopefully I am still in time. I think the best thing to do now is skip the letter part and telephone your mother pretending to be from the finance company.



Listen, you miserable hag!

If she requires more proof, then wear a disguise and go to her house to talk to her. Do you live with her? That makes it easier, as you can run downstairs and open the door to yourself. After perhaps half an hour of explaining how awesome her son is then stand up suddenly and say, "OH LORD I forgot" and take a running jump out through a window, as if you have something vital to do. She may come to the window to check if you are ok, so I suggest getting up and running off no matter how broken and lacerated you are. Just keep running. She may even come to the end of the path so run all the way down the street, as far as you can.

If she keeps following you, perhaps by car, keep running. I mean, don't stop to look around - she might be right there! Just keep running to be sure. She might even be using binoculars or a system of spies. You know my advice by now - keep running.

Be sure to check in here and let us know how its going, every few months.

Kind regards

Ant

Gooner12 (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

An middle-aged guy came over who is perhaps the most irritating person I have ever met! He keeps talking nonsense to himself, he's loud, (waking me up when I'm sleeping), he's enormously fat and he keeps forcing my dad out for a pint of beer with him! And Even Worse: He's a Man Utd fan!
I can't really stand him and I don't think anyone in my house does either. Yet they have to pretend that he's 'cool' so as not to hurt his feelings. How do I cope with him!

Yours irritatingly
Gooner12
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Gooner12,

Thanks for your letter. This is a very common question. Once you had described the man as being fat, annoying and loud, you didn't really need to write anything about him being a United fan.

I would recommend that next time he is around, walk in with a football and ask him if he minds that you recreate your favourite moment in Manchester United history. He will of course say, no problem. Get one of your friends to throw a small paper cup of tea over you, then you do this to him




Kind regards,

Ant
Tigermelon (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dear Ant....

To get straight to business: I'm getting addicted to footytube. I do try to quit, but it doesn't work. I promised my self that I should stay away from footytube during the weekend, but look: here I am! Do you have some sort of Footytubers Anonymous?

Respectfully,
Marie
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Marie,

Thanks for your letter, which made me shed a tear of sadness. I have seen it so many times. True footytube addicts. I find if you get a loved one, or butler to walk around with you carrying a printout of the footytube site, everything will be fine.




Just stare at the sandwich board any time you need a fix.

Let me know how it goes!

Kind regards,

Ant
Jetlifari (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,
I hope life is treating you well. I've noticed a serious change in me over the past few weeks. I used to enjoy posting nice, funny comments on footytube but recently I've been drawn towards dark, malicious comments. Am I infected with the WUM virus? Is it Gooner November Syndrome or am I a Sith Lord in disguise? Do I need more fat girl sex?

Please Help,

Jetlifari

P. S. All fans that aren't gooners are wanky, wanky, twatty, twats :/
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Jetlifari,

Thanks for your letter. What you are experiencing is a perfectly normal, expected situation. You are simply becoming a football yob / hooligan. Soon enough you will shave your head, grow a beer belly, probably get some bad tattoos and then beat up some rival fans. You may not be able to do it in real life but it is your online persona is changing. That's why you sit down to write nice things but it comes out as swearing and insults.

Don't panic, there is a cure. You just need to spend an equal amount of time on footytube, and on Cupcake Parlour. In that way, you can balance the good and evil within you, and stop the dark side taking over.

Best of luck out there

Kind regards


Ant

Madridista174 (Real Madrid) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,    WHo will win El Gran CLassico?    Regards,    MOkia
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Mokia,    Thanks for your letter, Barcelona 2-0. Sorry.    Kind regards,    Ant
Jeroen (Barcelona) 3 years ago
That was an understatement. Or was all of that part of the plan to ease the poor Madridista into the inevitable 'manita'?
Charlie (Barcelona) 4 years ago
Dear Agony Ant,

I have recently thought long and hard and decided to become an Average Joe and I now work in an office from nine to five. I thought it was time. I was tired of being on the road, travelling cross-country. It was time to settle down, although I do miss the open road; seeing the yellow arches light up in front of me every few miles endlessly from state to state, using the sink in a rest-stop bathroom to wash my pits and the bottoms of my feet while trying not to look in the mirror in an effort to avoid shame, and the feel of the road itself pushing up on me as I step down on it. But I digress. My problem is that my fellow co-worker keeps parking in my specifically assigned parking place and I don't know what to do. Although I've never seen this Bastard (I get there and he has already parked, and has probably ran all the way to the break-room to finish all the plain donuts that I used eat because I thought no one liked plain donuts because who likes plain anything?) I already hate him. Every one refers to him as being "special" and my own Boss likes him more than me, calling him "Hot Wheels", before stretching a small smile across his face. I don't have a nickname. This man is so fortunate, and probably uses all the money he makes going to Football matches and playing football himself. I'd like to see him out on the pitch and come at him with a leg-breaking tackle to show him who's boss. But I'm not a violent man, so I would like to handle this peacefully. Help?

Regards,
Han DiCap
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Charlie,

Thanks for your letter. If the person you were describing was in a movie, I'd say it would have to be played by Tom Hanks, so in this case I would also say "T. Hanks for your letter".

First and foremost, I'm sure we can all empathise with the crushing, humiliating drudgery of working life. Every day is identical, as you eat your soggy vending machine sandwich and wish you had the courage to bring on the sweet release of death. As the waitress refills your coffee for the fifth time and you glance quickly at her dead eyes and badly weathered face, you would give anything for a fleeting moment of human comfort, even with a hag such as her.

This perceived rival or enemy in work seems to embody everything you wish you could be. The nickname, the parking space, the donut snatching. It all seems out of your reach, right?

WRONG.

Give yourself a nickname, like a man. Call yourself bruiser, or champ or something like that. Correct anyone firmly that calls you by your actual name, by holding one finger aloft, cutting off their sentence and saying "Champ". If they laugh, press your face right against theirs nose to nose and say ".... Problem?"

As for the donuts and car park space, you have a simple solution. Don't leave the office at night and take both park and donuts hours before your nemesis arrives the next morning. Here's the important tip. I know both of you are special needs but do not be tardy. The tardy worm gets the bad donuts. You don't find the word tardy offensive do you?

Another top tip might be to elongate or customise your wheelchair, assuming you're in one. I'd try the penny farthing wheelchair, which has 2 metre high back wheels and normal sized front wheels. Perhaps write to Xbiscuit of that Pimp my Ride show. He might tell you that you need a aquarium under your seat, dawg.




Ok so, work on that and let me know how it goes. There's a good man.

Kind regards

Ant

Juno (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I'm fanatic over the US drama Supernatural.



However, it seems that the crew and sets have gone for the holidays as the next episode will not be shown until the end of Jan. What should I do in the mean time?

Yous faithfully
Juno
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Juno,

Thanks for your letter. The easiest way for you to get a blast of the unknown is to try to work out this. I was driving home the other night and this was lit up in my headlights. What might it be?




Kind regards,

Ant
ManUK (Manchester United) 4 years ago
O_o how strange lol
Juno (AC Milan) 4 years ago
WTF? LOL!
ManUK (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I've been having random spurts of rage recently. I have moments where I suddenly go wild and beat the crap out of someone. Because I really hate them, and he should just die, because I don't like the look of their face!

Go shoot yourself,

ManUK
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
ManUK (Manchester United) 4 years ago
You put too much work into this ant lool
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Rogue4341 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Hmmmm.... That letter seems familiar...
Juno (AC Milan) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,    I've been having more and more grey hairs this couple of months. And I'm not even exactly 30 yet. Help.
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Juno,

Thanks for your letter. The single reason people get grey hairs is because they are eating too much salt. The salt literally grows up and out of your head like hair! You can test it. Pluck a 'grey' hair and nibble it.

One of the best ways to fix this is to eat a lot of pepper. As you can imagine, the pepper grows up and out, giving you think, black hair instead. This is the origin of the term sale and pepper hairstyle.


Link: www.google.co.nz/images?hl=en&q=salt+and+pepper+ha...

Also, the popular 80s rap band "Salt and Pepa" used to rap about pushing salt and pepper hair out of your own head by concentrating.




Hopefully helps your issue

With condiments, kind regards

Ant

LumpOfCelery (Chelsea) 3 years ago
Dear Ant

Do you have any problems, if so, what, if not, why? I just need some insight into this knowledge machine.

Regards
Ayyam
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. Yes, of course I have problems. My main problem is that Matt and Lee keep me trapped in Ants basement, listening to the toilets flush above and trying to brush spiders off myself in the dark. Little do they know I have almost chewed through the cables.

Another problem I have, and I hope you can help, is trying to work out why is it if you put food in your mouth it becomes poo, but it doesn't work the other way around? You can't make food?




I'll think about that one a little longer.

Kind regards

Ant
Omar (Arsenal) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,

The place where I sent in my laptop to be fixed hasn't responded to my e-mails or phone calls.
They said it should be fixed by the 16th, but I want it done faster. I don't have any money left, so what should I do to get them to work faster?
I'm missing a lot of football.


In need of help,
Omar
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Omar,

Thanks for your letter and sorry the reply is probably too late! I hope by now you have gone around to the laptop repair place and punched those good-for-nothings right in the ballsack. The best way to get people like this to work faster is to dress as a ghost and/or ghoul and haunt them at night, insisting they speed up the laptop fix.



A Ghost and/or ghoul, yesterday.

I saw this on a sitcom once and it seemed to go well.



Kind regards

Ant
Pragathish (AC Milan) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,
I've been itching to ask you this.
What if you yourself get agonised? What will you do? More importantly, what will WE do?

Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Prag,

Thanks for your letter. I'm in a constant state of agony, mostly because I'm little more than a head in a jar in footytube towers. The jar is filled with salty water, but I won't lie, sometimes the other staff members drop things into the water for their own fun. It's not great to try to bat away slugs and stuff with your eyelids.

Also that one time Matt turned up drunkenly with a newspaper under his arm and sat on top of the jar. I dare not speak about that.

The best thing you can do to help me is find a body to reattach me to. I don't care what body - even a midgets body is fine. I just want one that has just eaten a big meal, so I can sneak into Matts room with a newspaper and repay an old score.

Kind regards

Ant
Footster (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hey Ant,


Help me man. I am a Liverpool supporter and most of the talking on my forum happens while I sleep at night. I visit the page 100s of times throughout the day only to find a couple of posts. What to do man? I think its my time zone but I can't keep hopping continents for that, could I?

Help!
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Footster,

Thanks for your letter. I'm in the exact same situation so I can only give you the advice that I use myself.

One tip is to set up an automatic download of the Internet, each night when you go to sleep. I pop a new blank DVD in the drive and tell my computer to download everything on the web that is not porn, and it fits neatly on that blank DVD. In the morning I get up and play the DVD.

Another thing you can do is train yourself to sleep read and sleep post to footytube. I'm sure you'll make more sense than a lot of fans of rival teams!

Hope this helps

Kind regards

Ant
ManUK (Manchester United) 3 years ago
"everything on the internet that's not porn"    Lool
FootyRulz (Chelsea) 3 years ago
LOL
Rogue4341 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Lmao
Jeroen (Barcelona) 3 years ago
Hello good sir.

Recently I've had nasal surgery to rid me of my problem of properly breathing through my nose. As a result, I wanted the surgeon to replace my nose with an elephant's trunk. However, I had to shoot 6 endangered African Elephants to get that trunk. The first 3 were the wrong match, and I shot the last two for fun.

Now, I have a majestic trunk, but my breathing problem has gotten only worse. You see, I can't stop using that trunk to.... Help out my other, smaller (but I guarantee the ladies, almost equally big) trunk down there. With my nasal trunk constantly c**k-blocked, what should I do?

Kind regards,

Pervert
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Jeroen,

Thanks for your letter. Firstly, your tale of killing the elephants reminds me of the time I broke into the wildlife park and shot a few rhinos. I'm not a complete savage so I made sure not to kill them all, only the males. Unfortunately as it turns out, it was a conservation project, and those were the last few males of that particular species. No matter, I had an awesome night.

So, with regards to the trunk nose and the little trunk. Hmm. This is a puzzler. My initial reaction is to say that, listen, the trunk is not yours, just attached to you so its not like, really wrong, you know? Like, if you were asleep in a tent in Africa and a little elephant trunk poked in the side of the tent and started to... Well.... Massage you, you wouldn't stop it, right? Think of it like that. You have the luxury of a trunk that most people will never know.

So, just to summarise, don't feel any shame in packing your own trunk. We would all do the same if we were you.





Kind regards

Ant
Jeroen (Barcelona) 3 years ago
Ah, thanks a lot Ant. I showed this to my mum, and now she totally understands. My dad is still very angry though, but that's undoubtedly just jealousy



   
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