Forums / Off Topic Banter
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Dear Ant...
Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,
Every time Silvio Berlusconi, our club's owner, speaks s**t, I get freaked and I feel the need of getting a superpower so that I can punish that retard. I'm naturally short tempered, and this adds to my agony. And this will be never-ending, as he rarely keeps his mouth shut.
What should I do? Please save the things in my house from getting smashed.
Thank you,
Incredible Hulk
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Prag/Hulk,

Thanks for your letter. I think the best solution is to wrap everything in bubble wrap the same colour as your super-skin. That way, if you throw stuff around, it will stay nice and safe.




Hope it helps.

Kind regards,

Ant
Moussinho (Valencia) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I have exams in about a week. But I don't feel the urge to study. I somehow feel that the subjects I am good at(english, history, spanish,) don't need studying, and the subjects I am bad at don't make sense even if I study for 10 hours straight! What should I do?

Yours Sincerely
Marwan Moussa
Cairo, Egypt
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Moussinho,

Thanks for your letter. Study is never fun. I had to try a few techniques and tricks to make it more interesting.

Firstly, I would buy an adult magazine, cut out the ladies, and stick them into your history book. So, if you are learning about Joan of Arc, you will find her more interesting to look at.

Secondly, save your money and buy a little earpiece so you can listen to sports instead of learning Spanish. Valencia, Real Madrid and Barca will teach you everything you need to know about the country.

Finally, do a computers course, and sit using footytube all day. You may not get great grades but you will have a smile on your face.

Kind regards

Ant
Jimmybreeze (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Ant, it's for you. Moussinho's mother would like a word with you
LumpOfCelery (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Dear Ant


I recently discovered the true source of your power. Okay here's the story, I was watching Eng VS USA and sow green's drop and for some reason I felt your deep presence. So I decided to figure out 8700 numbers of pi, and found your name encoded in it. So and when I typed in the co-ordinates of your house in Google Earth I saw a donut in the sun's core. So I believe I have a theory, which can be proved correct if you can answer me this question

You Wanna fight Bitch?

Sincerley from Ayyam
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Ayyam,

So, you have found some of my secret codes.



There are over 40,000,000 more to find, hidden all over the Earth, before you can challenge me properly.

Kind regards,

Ant
Omar (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,    I haven't played Football (with my feet), for a while, as they have been replaced with my thumbs. What should I do?
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Omar,

Thanks for your letter. Well, first things first, if your feet have been replaced by thumbs then you might need to think about giving up football and taking up tag team thumb wrestling.




What I assume you mean is that you no longer play with your feet but play Playstation or Xbox instead. Don't be ashamed of that. Some of the best football players in the world have been at home for the last few weeks playing PS3, like the France team, Italy Team, England team.

If you're lucky you might get to beat some of the Italian players online at FIFA 10. It'll make a change from them being beaten by real teams in real life.

Kind regards

Ant
Gooner12 (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

Everyday I have to endure my brother singing. His singing is so unbelievable! It sounds like a million cats being dragged along the road. Whenever I tell him to shut up my dad gets irritated and tells ME to shut up. Literally, when hearing him sing, my eyes and ears hurt. What should I do to make him be quiet without getting told off?


Yours sincerly, Ant
Omar (Arsenal) 4 years ago
You're Ant?
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Ant, Kind Regards, Thanks for your letter, Thanks Ant, Kind regards

Thanks for your letter. The fact you have the same name as me has messed up my Agony Ant computer, but not to worry I think I've fixed Kind Regards Hi Ant Thanks for your Letter.

If your Ant brother is singing horribly then the best thing to do is wait until he is singing in the shower (I assume he sings in the shower) and then sneak all his female classmates into the bathroom to listen to him. When he hits the high note, slam open the shower door and everyone starts singing loudly back at him.

I know this works because it happened to me as a kid and I haven't sang a word since, nor have I even left the house or kissed a girl. I just sit in the basement plotting my sweet revenge.

Sorry, was the question how to make a super villain?

Kind regards

Ant, Ant
Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dearest Ant,

I'll come straight to the matter. It was play time, and I obviously was playing footy with my class-mates(recreational footy, with all those rules pimped!). There is a rightful prick in my class, who deserves a Materazzi style tackle. I'm nowhere near Materazzi's physique, but still managed to pull off one and I am sure he was badly hurt. He cried in agony and limped off.
I spent the whole match shoving him, kicking him and trying to injure him.

All went good, but my problem is I'm still NOT satisfied, and obviously not feeling guilty.
Am I heartless?

Regards,
Pragathish
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Pragathish,

Thanks for your letter. You sound like a clever guy who has a lot of anger so I have found the perfect sport for you. Chessboxing! Basically, you play a round of chess and then a round of boxing until either someone is knocked out or checkmated.




I would thoroughly recommend challenging your enemy to this game and then you can show him you are better using you brain and your fists.

Kind regards

Ant

PS You are heartless
Saumilsachdeva (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear Ant.

There's a girl with whom I've been studying for 3 years in the same institute.... And I like her a lotttttttttt(as much as you like footytube).... .... But the problem is that I've a very bad impression on her friend.... Me and My friends always crack jokes and some times it gets adult(actually most of the times).... So her friend thinks I am a DOG(yeah you heard it correctly).... And I can't live just seeing her.... I don't want to die thinking that I never even talked to her.... Please help.... ? I really don't know what to do.... So I come to you.... As you are God's soul.... (ok wait let me laugh).... Lol.... Please help? I am in Agony, Ant !
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Saumilsachdeva

Thanks for your letter. I'll start by saying if you have been trying to get into her pants for three years and have made it obvious you like her, there's a good chance she isn't interested! You could send her a message to her phone saying you like her, but I feel the reaction would be




The best thing to do is to totally change your attitude to her. If you and your friends are always teasing her and making filthy jokes, stop it! Let your friends continue if you like but you need to try to become friends with her.

If you are studying the same thing then maybe at some stage when you need to work in groups, make sure you get into her group. That's an obvious way to get to talk to her.

Sorry I can't be more help but I think three years of being mean to her has done the damage!

Kind regards

Ant
Saumilsachdeva (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Thanks Ant.... Well I think I've wasted my 3 years.... Now I've to concentrate on her.... Lol.... ....

PS-you are brilliant Ant !
Juno (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I've just passed my exams with a High Distinction which I revised for a day, a Distinction where I studied for 3 days, and the last paper - a Credit which I prepared for 1 whole week. I feel sooooo sad. Should I stop studying altogether to get the best grade?
Jimmybreeze (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Haha brilliant
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Juno

Thanks for your letter. It looks like you have answered your own question really. I think that the more you study the worse grades you get, so my recommendation is to beat yourself over the head to make yourself forget and then you should get extra credit.

Kind regards,

Ant
Zosoholeh (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I have given up on women. Everytime I find one I really like, she always stabs me in the back.... Where can I find someone that will never give my up, never let me down, and never run around and desert me?

Respectfully,
Will

P. S. I currently have 6 knives in my back and I don't think I can make it to a hospital. Any tips on sterilizing stab wounds?
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Zosohleh,

Thanks for your letter. First and foremost I am sorry to hear you have lost trust in the fairer sex. Women are pretty much awesome. From what you have said I think you are looking for someone trusting, loyal, happy to see you, dependable and fun to be around. I have fed your details into the footytube love computer and it returned the following image.




Please remember to put down some newspapers

Kind regards,

Ant

PS let her lick the stab wounds, that'll sterilise them
Marcinny (New York Red Bulls) 3 years ago
Superb answer. Hahahaha
Somere (Portmore Utd) 4 years ago
Dear ant,
I am getting rude votes even when I stopped being rude, what should I do?
I know I do deserves some but 137 is a lot. I stay away from forums such as madrid, barcelona, chelsea, inter milan, aston villa, city and liverpool because all I have is hatred for them and that still doesn't help. I do visit the arsenal forum now and again to bring kind words, so I am sure they are not the one doing it, the united fans and I get along quite well unless we are talking about berbatov, and there has been no berbatov arguments for a while so it can't be them. Now I get worried every time I log into footytube because these rude votes are coming from every direction, and it seems stop being rude does not solve the problem, do you have any solutions for me
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Somere,

Damn you for writing me a letter. Shut your mouth, I don't want to hear it. Blah blah blah that's all you said. I've read more interesting scribbles on toilet walls. I can't believe that I wasted 30 seconds reading it, and then another 30 seconds replying.

If everyone is acting like a jerk then you just act like a jerk back at them. Change your profile picture to a photo of you pooping on the footytube logo.

Whatever I don't care

Yours rudely,

Ant
Senthil (Chelsea) 4 years ago
I think he is talking serious! Agony ant=funny ant?
Gonners (Arsenal) 3 years ago
That's a funny answer
Sovietski05 (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I havn't been on footytube for a while. The thing is I'm kinda cheating on it with a girl who's cheating on her boyfriend. So we are all cheating on something which technically in mathematical terms, 2 negitives makes a positive. So is this just the way the world works?

Yours,
Sovietski

Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Sovietski,

Thanks for your letter. The only equation you need to worry about is





Kind regards,

Ant
Tribalwars (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I have a roommate whom I feel like killing for all the bullcrap that he yaps all the time and acts like an assh*le all the time. I can't kill him for the obvious reason that I do not want to go to prison. Is there anything else that I can do that won't land me in a prison?

Regards
Tribal
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Tribal Wars,

Thanks for your letter. If you can't go as far as killing him I would recommend planning an epic prank. The best thing about a prank is you can laugh it off and tell them to get a sense of humour. I recommend if you can't do any physical harm to him, then think about destroying his tiny, fragile mind.

You will need:
Some friends in on the prank
Planning time. I suggest starting now and doing the prank in about 6 months.
Photo frames.

Here's what I suggest. Every time from now on that you get a photo taken of you, get a second one taken where you aren't in the picture. So, if you are at the Statue of Liberty, get a photo of you waving and smiling, and then a second identical photo where you're not in the photo. With me so far?

Put the photos of you at memorable events up all over the house, in photo frames, and be proud of them, talking about them. In a few months time, prepare your friends for the prank. Dutring the night while your housemate sleeps, replace all the photos of you at events with the same photo that you are not in. Leave a set of clothes on your bed as if you were laying there and disappeared. Perhaps have a half eaten sandwich near the 'arm' of the shirt on your bed or whatever.

Then, just scream loudly and leave the house sneakily. Get your friends to act like they have never heard of you when your room mate asks them. Not only have you completely disappeared, but all the other traces of you (photos etc) you have disappeared out of as well.




Then, just as he is totally freaked out jump out of his wardrobe and kill him.

Kind regards

Ant
Tribalwars (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Thanks a lot for your advice ant....  Will try it out asap
GoonerXi (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,  I can't stop farting! Please help!  Sincerely, anonymous.
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi GoonerXi,

Thanks for your letter. This one has a good cheap solution. You should suck on one thumb, and stick the other up your butt. Hey presto, no more embarrassing gas noises. Please be careful to not get flustered and accidentally swap thumbs.

Kind regards

Ant
Charlie (Barcelona) 4 years ago
Dear ant,

I've developed an addiction to romantic comedys. Although I love my girlfriend very much I must admit she is an enabler; constantly having this bad habit displayed around the house. She has no shame when people visit she asks them if they would like to watch them with us. I need some help before its too late.... Confessions of a shop-aholic comes out on dvd next monday. Help?

Sincerely, charlie
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Charlie,

I have the answer for you. I'm going to assume that you hopefully watch your movies as downloads. If so, or if you have access to movie editing software, then try this. Lets take Jennifer Aniston as an example. She was in "Marley and me"


But you might have forgotten that she was also in "Leprechaun", the Irish documentary.



Are you starting to see the plan? You basically make a mash up whereby Aniston is flirting with a guy, then its nighttime and she runs into a room covered in blood, screaming and shooting a gun.

Not only will it be far more entertaining, but your girlfriend will start to complain that she doesn't understand any more. As a bonus, when she goes to bed, you can have a quick trouser shuffle at your masterpiece.

Enjoy

Kind regards

Ant

Juno (AC Milan) 3 years ago
Dear Ant,    My wife has went back to her country for holidays while I'm stuck here due to studies, what should I do to fight boredom?
Ant (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Hi Juno,

Thanks for your letter. I recommend dressing up as her and prancing about the house, doing the things she normally does. Please be careful to stop doing this well before she gets back or you will have an awkward reunion and a lot of explaining to do.

If this doesn't sound like a good idea, there are always computer games, movies, and.... Dodgy websites.

Kind regards,

Ant
Juno (AC Milan) 3 years ago
Dodgy websites.... (oh. Oh)!



   
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