Hi Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. What you don't know is that my superpower is the ability to create a perfect replica clone of you, only it is 20% taller, 20% stronger, 20% faster and 20% better looking. I then get that clone to beat the living hell out of you to within an inch of your life.

While this is happening, I'm off to one side eating a burger or whatever, laughing.

Kind regards,

Ayyam Clone #58

I don't give much for your chances ayyam.... Lmao, my moneys on the clone ranger.... Ant

Haha LOL

Hi Scottie,

Thanks for your letter. You have a very understandable issue here. The best and quickest solution is to pretend in your mind that this is the 1998-1998 season, and Manchester City are languishing in the third tier of English football, after being relegated twice in three seasons.

I recommend keeping a photo of Drogbas offside goal in your top pocket so that if it becomes too much, you can whip it out and have a bellylaugh.

Kind regards,

Ant

Dear Ant

Ahh yes that stark memory of 1998 has definately wiped the grin from my face, thank you for making me feel so lousy and saving me from corporate slavery.

Tap tap tap - hello is that the samaritans?

Regards

Scottie

the more I look at it the more I might be persuaded that Drogba could have possibly been offside maybe


This is the picture I'm carrying around with me in my top pocket from now on, thanks for the advice much better value than the real thing...

Thanks again

Regards scottie

Hi Prag,

Thanks for your letter. Sorry for the delay on this - I've been researching the perfect product. Hows about these stick-on fake eyes?




They should hopefully do the trick.

Kind regards

Ant

Prag, word of advice before applying these fake eyes. Make sure you shave off those upper eye lashes, or else you will have people thinking you applied a thick coat of mascara in your lower eye lashes. Take care

Hi Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. The simplest way to become a cynical drunk teenager is to stop supporting Chelsea, start supporting West Ham or Portsmouth.



He was a teenager once

Good luck out there.

Kind regards,

Ant

Lol bwahahaha, okay sure

Hi Sam,

Thanks for your letter.

I wish I could say it's because I went to school or studied, but that's not true. I'm not very adventurous.

I grew up in a big spooky house. I remember my father used to keep a big padlock on the door of the basement. Every time I went near it, he'd yell - don't ever open the basement door, you won't like it. One day when he went out, I found the key and opened the door to the basement. I couldn't believe my eyes. I could see clouds and trees, and other kids.

He made sure that I wasn't able to move much after that, and now I'm a fixture in the footytube basement.



For you see, Matt is my father.

Kind regards

Ant

Hahaha! Lee is your mother? Ant

Yes senthil, his mother is lee with a wig, not a pretty sight I might add, so now you can see where ant got his looks from.
And why he's kept in the basement

Hi Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. Getting into High School Musical isn't the most important thing in the world. Even if you miss out, there's always Glee club or a local band. I typed your details into the footytube computer and asked it to return a video of what you will look like in thirty years, if you join High School Musical. Here's the result:




Kind regards

Ant

Hi Mariel,

Thanks for your letter. Yes, everyone is gone crazy for Twilight, a story about a 120 year old man that hangs around school yards to smell and go out with young teenage girls. Everyone thinks Vampires are these amazing, sexy, beautiful things but that's not true. There are loadsof famous vampires.

Did you know Cher is a vampire?



Hideous. Here's a tip: if you ever want to find out if someone you know is a vampire (and most people know about five) then simply shove a wooden stake through their heart. If they die, they might very easily have been a vampire.

The best way to stop your friends fantacizing about vampires is to show them the truth. Force them into a chair and make them drink a glass of blood. Lock them in a coffin for a few days, or until they stop screaming. Bite their necks over and over again.

It's not as cool as they think.

Kind regards,

Ant

Hi Mokia,

Thanks for your letter.

Sorry for the delay in replying guys, my mail sack has been bulging fit to burst with peoples problems. Plus there was a midget in it.

I guess by now you have made up your mind. If I remember correctly this girl was going about spreading nasty rumours and germs about you, yes? I hope you didn't forget that. I have fed all your information into the love computer:

The computer crashed, but it gave this message as it did.




Not sure what it all means

Kind regards

Ant

I'm sure I can figure it out thanks

Hi Amror,

Thanks for your letter.

I hope I don't impress you any more because it took me over a week to answer your "Ask Ant". I have loads of free time down here in the footytube basement. Apart from answering footytube emails, I don't do very much apart from teach pigs how to smoke. You see, I love the flavour of authentic smoky bacon.




Please don't ask me how I make jerked chicken.

That kid with the guitar is one of my hundreds of illegitimate babies. I've gotten to the point that I don't even name them any more. I started with normal names, John, Mary, Gargamel, but then I ran out of names so called them after colours. Then after colours, fruits. That's banana 3 in the picture playing the guitar.

My best and first advice about writing the analysis of "Anitgone" is to spell it correctly - "Antigone". After that, everything is gravy.

Kind regards

Ant

PS : Link: www.sparknotes.com/drama/antigone/

Hi Jetlifari,

Thanks for your letter, which smelled of beer and vomit. Drinking and football are two pastimes that go hand in hand. I mean, who here among us hasn't drank a litre of cheap wine and ran onto the pitch of an under 8's match, scored the winning goal and then realised you were naked.

Again.

My advice to you is hide your drinking. Personally, I like to pretend I'm drinking a cool refreshing bottle of ice cold water.... But hey presto - its white wine! Likewise, whiskey makes an excellent substitute for tea. If I was to reveal one of my master strokes, its that the water in my toilet is actually vodka. Sometimes I go in there and drink out of the bowl like a dog, smiling and laughing.

Yes, its expensive, and when guests come over I have to tell them not to flush the toilet after they use it. I don't want to waste that precious vodka, and I can pick out the bigger pieces anyway.

So, that's my advice. Enjoy yourself and watch out for the secret drinks my friend

Kind regards

Ant

Hi Jetlifari,

Thanks for your miniature letter. I learned a sense of humour as a child, because my wicked step-father used to tattoo jokes all over my body and throw me over a wall. If he heard laughter, I got supper that night.

Kind regards

Ant

'ʇʇɐɯ ıɥ ˙

ɹəʇʇəl ɹnoʎ ɹoɟ sʞuɐɥʇ

¿əɯ oʇ ʞo sʞool ʇı ¿uɐəɯ noʎ ʇɐɥʍ ʎlʇɔɐxə əɹns ʇou ɯ, I

'spɹɐƃəɹ puıʞ

ʇuɐ

Hi Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. Matt has asked me to tell you to stop sending him videos of yourself doing weird bellydancing moves. He knows its you, because you sing that weird little song while you do it about Ayyam being the coolest guy in the world.

In case anyone wants to see one of the videos




Regards,

Ant

Hi Jetlifari,

Thanks for your letter. Don't feel bad about spending all your time of footytube. I have taken a survey of over 1000 working members of footytube and asked them how they spend their work day. See below the results




As you can see, whether you work or not, footytube is an addiction. Don't feel bad about being a stinking, unproductive person.

Kind regards

Ant

On a more serious note, footytube is addictive...

Lol! I'm seeing this graph on my work computer right now, but ironically it looks like I'm doing serious research so my boss has said nothing besides the usual "lazy c**t"

Hi jetlifari,

Thanks for your letter. Sounds like you have a bit of a problem indeed. The overweight gals that get you to quote Star Wars, do they by any chance look like Jabba the Hutt? Something to check. It might actually be him is various wigs and dresses.




Its a fairly normal phenomenon for women to be more attracted to a guy that's already taken. It shows he is responsible, dependable and good enough for someone else. Women crave nothing more than to destroy that. Even plain women can turn into raunchy sex kittens crawling on all fours in corset and fishnet tights, whip between their teeth and passion in their eyes. Of course, as soon as you do the evil deed, they instantly magically revert back into the frigid plain women they originally were and sprint off to keep the secret.

By 'keep the secret', I mean telephone, text, email their friends and update their facebook/twitter accounts with intimate, cringing awkward details about how you measure up down there and what you like in bed.




Expect your girlfriend to know before you even know.

Kind regards,

Ant

Hahaha! Amazing advice! How'd you get a pic of the girl though? I thought I burned every copy I had...