Forums / Off Topic Banter
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Dear Ant...
Madridista174 (Real Madrid) 4 years ago
Dear Ant.

I have got a bit of a sticky situation on my hands.... My girl Sarah and I recently split on valentines weekend. IT was due to false rumours that I was playing games with her.
These rumours have been blown up and being the famous guy that I am, everygirl in the town thinks I'm a player! Soon enough, no girl will want me anymore!
I need your help now more than ever good sir.
She has ruined my reputation!

P. S. This is a true story.

Sincerely,

Mokia
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Mokia,

Thanks for your letter. What is it about Valentines day that makes everyone ask me questions about women. I know as much as any man about women, which amounts to basically nothing. I'm married, so I spend about 50% of my daily life trying to avoid an argument, and the other 50% trying to work out what might have caused the last argument. It could be anything! Perhaps I didn't put the lid back on the butter - or perhaps I did put the lid on, but before the Mrs got to use it. Perhaps I used the butter and got toast crumbs in it before guests came over.

And so on.




First things first, find out for sure it was this girl that started the rumour and start a counter rumour about them - something believable but weird - like that they kept asking to kiss your feet.
Second, make a fake Facebook profile of some random guy and write on their wall asking her to stop requesting photos of your feet. That will sort her out, at least in the short term.




However perhaps you are not a believer in revenge. Forgive and forget. This is fine also, you can be the bigger man and move on without revenge.

Now, onto the more important issue of getting your reputation back. The best way is through actions not words. Do you have a cousin or friend with a really hot sister? Do you have a really hot female friend that your ex doesn't know about? Arrange a fun night with them, have a blast, forget about the ex.

Hope it all works out, you seem like a cool guy so I've no doubt it will.

Kind regards

Ant
Madridista174 (Real Madrid) 4 years ago
Haha the last idea suits me best. Ill go for that lol honestly
Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,
I am suffering from throat infection. I can't even drink water;it hurts when I swallow something. I've tried possible ways like goggling hot water, drinking hot beverages, etc. Still not cured. Please help me.

Regards,
Pragathish
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hey Pragathish,

Thanks for your letter. I'm quite familiar with these throat infections. I get them myself sometimes. I have heard of some old solutions, like drinking hot water with honey and lemon in it. Sometimes, people even put frogs in their mouths in the hope that the frog will take away the illness.



My suggestion to you is to get a blanket and some nice movies to watch, and invite over a female nurse to take care of you in any way you need.




Get well soon!

Kind regards,

Ant!
Tony (footytube staff) 4 years ago
I think he's gone blind ant.... Lol
Senthil (Chelsea) 4 years ago
I think he will eat anything for her
BNetworks (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Do you have her contact no? I just developed a sore throat...
Perrygarl (FC Seoul) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

My name is John, I am 29-years old and I live in Chelsea, London. For a few years now I have been the big daddy where I live, people in Chelsea love me, people in England love me, I could get any woman I wanted, life has been easy.

But now it's changed, my mate Wayne found out I was cheating with his girlfriend a while ago and now everybody knows. Now, nobody likes me anymore. I can't get on with my job, I make silly errors, I lost control as captain. I can't leave the house without someone berating me or shouting "Team Bridge" at me.

I try to keep a straight face and keep my tough persona. But secretly, I am crying inside, this is worse than when my friends miss penalties. I want people to love me again.

That's why I have turned to you Ant. I wanted to watch the Man City highlights to see Wayne and stumbled across footytube. There I saw the fan valuation and you were at the top. How did you get so many friends as just a stretcher-bearer? You don't have Aston Martins or mansions or models falling on top of you like I do, but yet you have more friends, even those who claim to hate you on the site.

Tell me your secret on how I can make people like me, particularly Wayne, because Ashley hurt his foot and he can't come to play with us in South Africa, so we could really do with Wayne again.

From
John

P. S Please don't tell people I cry, I still want to be seen as a hard man
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi John,

Many thanks for your letter. I can't quite place it, but your story sounds familiar. I think you'll find that in most cases people who behave in this way to their friends do it because they have parents who sell drugs and shoplift.




However, that image above relates to a professional footballer, not you, so it might be slightly different. One good way to get people to like you is to give them something they wouldn't ordinarily be able to get. Say, giving wealthy businessmen secret tours of the training grounds, for cash rewards. You could also get your head shaved into a strange mohican haircut, that always looks cool.

However, first and foremost, you should make sure next time you meet this enemy of yours, Wayne as you call him, shake his hand firmly and fairly. If people are watching all the better. Just be careful he doesn't do the old hand withdraw when it comes time to the shake! You might look like a bit of a plonker!

Kind regards

Ant
Senthil (Chelsea) 4 years ago
DEAR ANT,
I have a problem, whenever I get a problem my mind says "ant" but my heart says ant is a problem. Now we will go in to the problem, I have account in twitter and facebook. But I never get a reply from girls, even boys. Nobody listens to my tweets and nobody cares. I have less followers. I think senthil will walk alone in social networks. . I hope you will give a good solution for me.

kind regards,

ant
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Senthil,

Thanks for your letter. To get popular on Twitter you need to do something really outrageous, like run ten miles naked, sing very well, or murder a King. You'll find that if you look at the highest followed users, among them are plenty of people who have done one (or more!) of the above.

You could possibly pretend to be a celebrity. I googled "coolest man in India" and this is what turned up.



Good luck getting followers.

Kind regards,

Ant
Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Ugh...You can alternatively try this:   Link: twiends.com/
Senthil (Chelsea) 4 years ago
I think ant is a big fan of him. Okk I will try it! But clapping in legs are too much
Senthil (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Footytubers are strictly prohibited to watch this video
BNetworks (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Jackie Chan from India?
Charlie (Barcelona) 4 years ago
Dear Agony Ant,

I know your life has been full of disappointment and regret; completely unfair and ridiculously difficult. Everyone hates you - I mean, you would have been more popular if you had murdered a child. You're a bum.... A coward.... And worst of all you have an unfortunate forward hairline that is just unseemly.

But all this has given you experience, and I need your help. You see, I am a pencil aficionado of the Dixon Ticonderoga persuasion, and I am confused. I recently purchased a case of these beautiful pencils and upon opening the box I realized they were different then what I was used too. Indeed, these pencils were a pale blue - not the usual wood-chip yellow - and the case read they were anti-microbial.

Here is my problem: How are they anti-microbial? Is it that they contain chemical that kills micro-bacteria, or is it that they don't transfer microbes, e. G. I have microbes on my hands, I give you the pencil, you don't have my any microbes? Help!

Sincerely,

Charlie
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Charlie,

Thanks for your letter. The traditional form of sushi is fermented fish and rice, preserved with salt in a process that has been traced to Southeast Asia, where it remains popular today. The term sushi comes from an archaic grammatical form no longer used in other contexts; literally, "sushi" means "it's sour", a reflection of its historic fermented roots.

The science behind the fermentation of fish packed in rice is that the vinegar produced from fermenting rice breaks the fish down into amino acids. This results in one of the five basic tastes, called umami in Japanese. The oldest form of sushi in Japan, Narezushi still very closely resembles this process. In Japan, Narezushi evolved into Oshizushi and ultimately Edomae nigirizushi, which is what the world today knows as "sushi. "

I hope this answers your question,

Kind regards,

Ant
Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,  What is the best way to deal with arrogant/silly/stupid people?    Yours faithfully,  Pragathish  
Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Ps.... I tried ignoring them, but that doesn't help me. Real advice needed to handle these douchebags
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Pragathish,

Thanks for your letter. Its hard to know what the best way to deal with these people is. Are the people you are thinking of all three of those things? Are they just silly, or stupid, or arrogant? If they are all three, you should just be better than them at whatever they are arrogant about. Perhaps become rich by selling your belongings and then buy the company they work for, or school they go to, and kick them out. You could also seduce their mother. That would shut them up.

I would normally recommend ignoring them, but that doesn't work according to you. Perhaps you could dress like them and sit near them all day. That would embarrass them. Every time they say anything, you say the same thing in a childish voice. After a week or two of this, they will probably be crying, and begging you to stop. Of course, you don't stop - now you know you're winning. Repeat their crying begs back to them in a childish voice. If they marry someone, marry a person that looks like the person they married and dress her the same as their wife. Your new wife should also repeat everything that the annoying persons wife does, but in a childish voice.

After several years of this treatment, they will probably either die or just give in. Either way, you're a winner.




Kind regards

Ant
Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,
Me again. My handwriting is getting worse these days, and I'm afraid that it would turn horrible. I used to have a decent, if not beautiful handwriting, but I don't know whats wrong now.
Any tips please? I want my good ol' handwriting.
Ps.... Please don't advice me to practice.... I can't. I am a big slacker, if you are not aware.

Regards,
Pragathish
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Pragathish,

Thanks for your letter. Handwriting is fast becoming a lost art form, with everyone these days doing all their letters on a computer. You type it up nice and quickly, print it out and hey presto! A perfectly readable, professional looking letter appears as if by magic, out of your printer. I'll bet most people reading this think their handwriting is pretty bad.

When I was in school the teacher used to make us write letters on the blackboard in chalk, and if we got it wrong, we had to take off a piece of clothing. If we got it right, the teacher took of some clothing. Everyone used to wait until teacher had taken off their dress, blouse and was stripped to their bra and knickers, and then we would run out and down the street. I never liked that teacher, he was weird.

Handwriting isn't the most important thing any more. Cool pen tricks are better.



Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

Kind regards,

Ant
BNetworks (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Don't get me worried there, Ant. Me wife's a teacher!
Realmanchester (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Dear ant,

So I have a little problem, as I'm seeing man utd win games pretty nicely and Wayne scoring goals I'm becoming nervous that they won't win the league or champions league. My car, my house, and my prostitutes are on the line what should I do, I never cancel bets

Best regards, safi
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi RealManchester,

Thanks for your letter. This is a hairy issue. Actually, seeing as United have a reliance on Rooney, you might call this a bald issue. Rival teams might try to injure Rooney to wreck your season, so I have a plan for you. My best advice is that you should buy as many Shrek costumes as you can afford, and force other footballers to wear them. For example, put Michael Owen in a costume and then when other teams rush in and injure him, they'll think they have damaged Rooney - but no - Ferguson can then substitute the real Rooney and he can cause havok.



Michael Owen in Rooney disguise


If the worst comes to the worst and people come looking for your money, cars, houses, prostitutes and midgets, you can simply wear one of the costumes yourself and disappear completely.

Hope this works for you,

Regards

Ant
LumpOfCelery (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Dear Ant  Are you god's sucessor?    Regards    Ayyam
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. I'm not Gods successor. I googled it, and it seems this guy is:



Kind regards,

Ant
Soccergal293 (Barcelona) 4 years ago
Bwhahaha
Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,  What are the best ways to annoy teachers?    Yours sincerely,  Pragathish
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Pragathish,

Thanks for your letter. The best way I have found to be a little cheeky and annoy your teachers is to kidnap them, drag them to your basement and keep them there, among the dark and spiders, for several decades.




For extra annoyance, get a friend to dress up a policeman and come barging in to the house, pretend to have a gunfight with you, and then start shouting "Hello, is anyone there, this is the police, can anyone hear me?". When the teacher starts shrieking and yelling, saying "yes, yes there's someone here, Thank God", then the policeman says "Oh, its you." and just leaves.

So, in summary, long lasting psychological trauma is probably the way to go.

Kind regards,

Ant
BIJACK (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

My friend drifted my motorcycle and crushed it to a wall. What should I do to punish him?

Regards,

Bijack
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi bijack,

Thanks for your letter. Firstly, get your bike fixed. Then get your friend to hold a plank.



(guy was unhurt)

Kind regards,

Ant
BNetworks (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Ant, you always come up with the right video to justify your explanation. Ha! Ha!
BIJACK (AC Milan) 4 years ago
My bike is fixed but all he did was paying the cost! X( I should have read your reply sooner LOL
LumpOfCelery (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Dear Ant    Try and make a funny response out of this    From Ayyam
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hey AyyamS5,    Kind regards,    Ant
Scottie (Manchester City) 4 years ago
D ar A t    My k yboar is uck d. W at s ould I do?    Love Scotti
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Scottie,

You should do what I do and copy text from OtheR sites

K1|\|d r394RD5

Ant
Scottie (Manchester City) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

Thanks for the advice, luckily I have found out I can use the onscreen keyboard to type - it's trying my patience though, especially on Daley Thompsons Decathlon

Regards
Senthil (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Hahaha! You guys are rocking
Soccergal293 (Barcelona) 4 years ago
Dear Ant

I'm conflicted, the movie told me everything will end 2012, but jonas brothers visited the year 3000,


Who should I belive?
?
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Soccergal,

Thanks for your letter. You're getting it mixed up. The Jonas brothers will end in 2012 after getting trampled by 3000 screaming five year olds. I guess that answers how many five year olds it would take to kill them.

Kind regards,

Ant
Lyndon (Panathinaikos Athens) 4 years ago
NICE reply ANT! Brilliant
Realmanchester (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Dear ant,

Since you are the ultimate definition of "no-life" (scratch that) I need some help, well you see I want to date some hot girl and really my life is great since I drive a nice car, wear designer clothes, manage to get the same hairstyle as [C.] ronaldo without 20 ounces of hair product, but when girls aproach me I just freeze or go hallelujah. One time this girl was looking at me and smiling and giggling over to her friends, and I knew she was into me but my nervous mind got to me and what I did was go up to her and told her to stop looking or ill bash your head. I don't know how my system works so I need some help with them women!
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Manchester,

Thanks for your letter. I have fed your details into the footytube love calculator, and it has returned the prediction that most likely of all, you smell really, really bad. This probably explains why girls laugh at you and you get so angry.




All is not lost, even for stinkers like yourself. You could try to pick up women from the poorest slums, who are perhaps more used to the foul stench, or perhaps you could place an advert online, looking for noseless women, or women with no sense of smell.

I love all footytube users, no matter the smell, so I have gone the extra mile for you. I searched the footytube love calculator for your perfect match. It appears in a remote region on the outskirts of India, there is a tribe called the Apatani whose women use gigantic nose plugs as decoration.






Surely, with Christiano's hair, you would be their king! No need to thank me.

Kind regards,

Ant

BNetworks (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Awesome.... Lol...
Amror123 (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Hhahahah this ones amazing



   
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