Forums / Off Topic Banter
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Dear Ant...
Charlie (Barcelona) 5 years ago
Dear ant,     Where the f**k are you?     From charlie
Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Hi Charlie,

Thanks for your letter.

Kind regards,

Owenwillscore42 (Manchester United) 5 years ago
Dear Ant,

I have noticed that I am in love with a naked monkey that comes around every few hours or so and slaps his entirely naked body against my living room window.

What shall I do?
Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Dear Owen,

Thanks for your letter.

I'd recommend taking it slowly at first. Bring the monkey out to the cinema or perhaps to a park. Get to know the monkey. There's no point in ruining this amazing chance by being too hasty.

Kind regards,


PS paint your crotch like a banana
Lyndon (Panathinaikos Athens) 5 years ago
Ok Ant, that last bit was a bit selfish and you know it. Let's be honest the only thing your getting from the monkey is him trying to peel you then, when he is right pissed, smacking it on a rock or biting it with his razor fangs. So like I said we all know you just wanted to see the poor guy get hurt, and so did we! So, thank you Ant for another lovely session of Agony!

Oh and while I'm here, you have any recommendations for inner thigh lacerations?
Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
A midget with a razor
ManUK (Manchester United) 5 years ago
Dear Ant    I need abs - I'm skinny and week looking    From,  ManUK
Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Dear ManUK,

Thanks for your letter. Those people that know me best, know that I have the physique of a Greek God and the muscle definition of a powerful cheetah, or other similar jungle cat. I have abs all over my body and can crush rocks into powder between my glutes. I'll reveal a few tips to you so you can eventually get some small percentage as ripped and toned as I am, to the max.

First and foremost, you need to crunch those abs and feel the burn. I'm not completely sure what that means, but I assume it means get a friend (Sergio?) to stamp glass into your stomach and then set it on fire. Soon enough you'll be inviting perfect strangers to queue up and punch you in your rock hard, crispy abs, just so you can show them how tough you are.

Another idea is to buy a permanent whiteboard marker (sharpie) and literally draw on your desired amount of abs. Two, four, six, why not go for twelve shaded abs. In case you are sunbathing, it might help the effect if you write "Abs" on each ab, just so the ladies can see whats going on.

If all else fails, you can get a six pack the easy way.

Kind regards,

ManUK (Manchester United) 5 years ago
Haha Lol that guy looks really ripped!
Pragathish (AC Milan) 5 years ago
Dear Ant,

My problem may not even sound like a problem to you.But,you are the only one one available to help me.Most of my class-mates know how to do the handstand and they can do most of the Breakdance or Hip-Hop dance moves (in the images) even though they were NOT professionally trained!

And to add to my agony,even some of the chubbier and stouter guys do this!And I am like the leanest guy but still I can't even handstand!Its a shame really.I tried hard,but failed miserably.But I want to do those sick moves and show=off!You must help me!

Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Dear Prag,

Thanks for your letter. You always provide interesting problems. However, this one is quite easy. What you'll need:

A Mannequin Head

Sticky Tape

You might see where this is going already. Firstly, put a big woolly jumper on your legs, and large gloves on your feet. Then, wear a huge baggy pair of jeans on your torso, with your arms down the leg holes. Put some socks over your hands. Stick the mannequin head between your legs, so that the head is poking out of the neck hole in the jumper.

Then, hey presto, you can perform all manner of freakish looking moves that will astonish viewers. Why make do with doing a handstand, when you can leap from 'hand' to 'hand', and even comfortably walk around like that all day?

Your friends will be amazed and random women will want to kiss you. Unfortunately for you, they'll be kissing the mannequin head.

Kind regards,

Senthil (Chelsea) 5 years ago
I will be amazed by seeing prag ! Breakdance, hahahahha!
Tony (footytube staff) 5 years ago
Break his neck more like, although if he takes on board ants choreography, he just might be ok, or is that ko? .... Anyway, listen to ant
Gbherron (Seattle Sounders) 4 years ago
Put your iPod in, cover yourself in black paint and you're good to go
Millzallah (Barcelona) 5 years ago
Dear Ant

Over the past couple of months i've been hanging out at couger clubs and i've realized my choice of words or slang is not encouraged by the older crowd please help me choose my words correctly give me a couple of old school pick up lines that could benefit me I would greatly appreciate it thanx.... Millz
Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Hi Millzallah,

Thanks for your letter. Luckily for you, I am a master at slang from every era. We need to pinpoint exactly what level of 'cougar' you are targeting. They range from the basic MILF, to the GILF (granny) all the way to the ggilf (great granny). Now, I'm not sure what range you're aiming for, but i'll hazard an educated guess and say ggilf.

If you take the average age for a great granny to be 80 years old, then we'll need to explore the kind of slang they used in the 1930's and 1940's.

This seems like a good resource: Link:

Examples you might use:
* "You ritzy broads are the cats meow"
* "The Big Cheese is in town, Dames, put your kissers here (point down)"
* "Those are dapper gams, toots, what's between them?"

And so on and so forth.

If you are going for cougars younger than the above, then just buy them the cheapest drink at the bar. Hey presto - knickers around ankles and the night is yours.

Kind regards,


Tony (footytube staff) 5 years ago
Holy sh*t, when my wife told me she was doing a playboy photoshoot I laughed in her face? .... Whos laughing now
Millzallah (Barcelona) 5 years ago
This is gold thanks ant, your the man. Btw how did you know I was a gilf hunter? . Gotta' get that paipah paipah. Peace
ScooterHayes (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Dear Ant

The down economy is playing havoc on everything. Good food is scarce. The deer are fewer and farther in between, and when the venison does come around it doesn't taste like it used to....

She's a picture of beauty ain't she? The Mrs.

The desperation is affecting everyone....

The other wolves of the forest have moved on to hunting more environmentally-friendly game, like Spam and vegan crap, while I insist to the wolf-wife it's best to stick on a high-protein, low.... Anything else, diet. I'm getting fewer hours at work and Timothy is starting to limp on his right paw.... I don't have insurance! I need your advice rapidly!

With urgency,
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Scooter,

Many thanks for this letter, which was written in quite a desperate, miserable tone. I can sense your worry and fear that you, as a husband and father, won't be able to provide for your Mrs and cubs. I just want to get this out of the way, and we need never mention it again, but if it gets really cold and you are really hungry, there is no sin in eating your young. Just saying.

Let's move on.

Have a think. Have a howl. You are a wolf for the love of God. You can do this. Use your head. Think of the most famous wolves in history.

No, not him.

Think about how the wolf killed and captured little red riding hood. He dressed as a woman, right? What do you mean the wolf didn't kill Red riding hood? Let me finish, I have a point. Just as the wolf can wear "sheeps" clothing, and an old woman in young girls clothes is called "mutton dressed as lamb", then you need to dress as an old woman.

Wolf = sheep clothes
Woman = sheep clothes
Wolf = woman clothes

The answer is right in front of you. Become a transvestite. This will somehow feed your family and all will be well.

Kind regards

ScooterHayes (Chelsea) 4 years ago
We are still actually trying to forget about that mess with little red riding hood. That little drama made every wolf out there look like a murderous pervert bent on stalking children and seniors. I can assure you that is not the case.... Well, mostly.

Our den is a devout Methodist den. The only reason we ever eat our young is when they claim they are sexually confused. Upon this happening we, in a supportive and loving manner, gobble them up. We are pretty sure the Disney Channel's a lot to do with it.

And the first sign of a trany in our community is the bones. Emasculate tone of voice, dress, etc is a sign of weakness and, therefore, more tender meat.

I guess in closing I should also mention the wolving community is very proud of the celebrities that come from among us, Wolf of American Gladiators being a great example. He is truly the alpha wolf.

Thank you for your thoughts regardless, Ant, though possibly somewhat sexually confused and lacking in wolf smarts. But we are a forgiving kind.

.... As long as you stay out of 100 acre woods, Christopher Robin...
AniBhat (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I am in real trouble, my father warned me if I don't get a job within a year, than he will cut off all the money supply to me and will order me to get out with a kick on my ass. What I will do?
By the way my father gave me the money for Computer science education, but I used computer to learn some biological education (hope you can understand)top please myself at the night, what will happen on future nights.... Idea please?

With urgency

Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Anibhat,

Thanks for your letter. You say your father has provided a room to you and money to learn a computer science education, but you spent it all learning about female biology late at night on the Internet.

Your only real choice it would seem is to get a job that has something to do with female biology. Probably the best one would be gynecologist... But you have to remember the only women that you would be seeing are women that have something wrong with them. Not always good.

This might be physical

Or mental

I have chosen to represent women via the medium of toasted sandwiches. I was going to google other images but I thought I might get distracted - and anyway, I'm hungry.

So the obvious solution to your problem is, if I may continue the metaphor here

Preheat skillet over medium heat. Generously butter one side of a slice of bread. Place bread butter-side-down onto skillet bottom and add 1 slice of cheese. Butter a second slice of bread on one side and place butter-side-up on top of sandwich. Grill until lightly browned and flip over; continue grilling until cheese is melted. Repeat with remaining 2 slices of bread, butter and slice of cheese.

For the phrase "bread" or "slice of bread" above, please replace it with the word "woman"

Wait, what were we talking about again? I'm hungry. Oh yes, your father is going to kick your ass.

I recommend telling your dad exactly what you've been looking at online, perhaps even asking his advice on where to look online? Maybe even sit side by side with him. No, forget that, that's wrong. This is bad advice.

Get a job.

Kind regards,

OMIDO (Manchester City) 4 years ago
Dear Ant mate,

I was referred to this thread by honourable footytubers, charlie and raj. They were suggesting apparently you know a lot when it comes to women. Especially french women. So here it goes I finally got myself a date with this girl from Paris using "the worst line ever invented". I don't know how they're like, are they the same as other girls or really different? I have heard they're into politics a bit.... But she seemed really sweet and 'frenchy' I. E. Sophisticated. So please do your fellow futytuber, who's just out of a 3 year relationship, a big favour and give us tips on dos and donts when taking a classy chic french on a date.

P. S she came to me houseparty with a bottle of champagne! And brought some cheese with her too
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
JuzTroublez (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Dear Ant....

I'm too popular with the ladies. And the fellas don't like it. Even though time and time again, I've reassured them that I have no interest in these girls, the fellas find it a little hard to believe. They take out their resentment towards me when we play a nice bone-crunching game of football (or soccer in America). The tackles fly in from all sides....

What's a fella to do?

Yours Truly
Juz Troublez
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Juz (Juice?) Troublez,

Thanks for your letter.

You're going to have to take one for the team here, in order to maintain team spirit. As they say "bro's before hoe's". What's more important to you, football or women? You need to get a new look to ensure the ladies stay away.

Sorry I can't be more help with this, but the less women you get the more there is for everyone else.

Kind regards

Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

My studies are getting harder and harder.And in India,its not just about passing in the exams,but about getting seriously high marks.However,I found someway or other to manage getting decent marks in almost every subject except Chemistry!

Arrggghhhh....I suck in chemistry!Its ridiculously tough!I study,study,study still only manage to pass!I want more!In other subjects,if I try sincerely hard,I believe I can get good marks.Even,I have grown better in Mathematics,which I considered as the toughest last year.But when it comes to chemistry,there's NO way

And whats worse is the fact that I forget the answers of even the EASIEST questions in my portion in the exam hall!Grrr....Finally end up writing my own stories and getting passed.
And the same condition for my friend Senthil too.
So,Ant,you gotta' do something.Suggest me the easiest tricks to master the art of getting good marks in chemistry.You must help me and Senthil!You must!

Kind regards,
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Prag,

Thanks for your letter. You must have thought I had forgotten about you.

Personally speaking, my favourite way to learn about science and chemistry is throught the medium of 1980s movies. For example, to learn about biology, look no further than "Weird Science".

To learn about robotics, it has to be Short Circuit

If I've learned anything about chemistry from 80s movies, its that all you have to do is mix a random amount of substance "A" with a random amount of substance "B", pour in some coke, and after a little explosion that puts soot on your face, you'll have some secret drink that will either

* make you invisible, with sexy consequences
* make you super strong, with sexy consequences
* turn you into a mutant, with sexy consequences

As with a lot of school and university exams, the secret is to learn and repeat. If you can work on improving your memory, you'll retain a lot more information.

Aside from that, I can't help! I studied chemistry but haven't used it in my job since leaving School/University....

Best of luck to you and Senthil

Kind regards,

Senthil (Chelsea) 4 years ago
I am going to follow you ant! Just keeping away from chemistry after unversity!
Viktorcpu (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dear Mr. Ant. I have a very big desire to find you and kick your ass. Can you please advice me where I can find you, the address and stufs, and describe by details what parts of your body you don't want to be touched while am beating you with my shiny new cricket bat. 10x for your time
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Viktor,

Thanks for your letter. My real name is Matt, and I live on the island of Malta.

View Larger Map

Come get a taste.

Kind regards

Viktorcpu (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Hahhah.... Oh man.... I hope you realise I was joking.... Your answer sound quite serious.... Didn't expect that.... Where is your great prozaic humor mat? .... Oh cmoon.... Did you give me a rude vote also? Cmooon, , , weel, , ok.... Hf brotha...
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
I don't mind, once you beat up that guy Matt in Malta! He's one of the guys that made footytube. Oh, I mean.... I'm one of the guys.

When you get there don't forget to punch his leg, he's on crutches and is easy to catch

Viktorcpu (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Thx 4 the cructhes hint mat.... HAHAHaaa.... That's the Agony Ant I know...
LumpOfCelery (Chelsea) 4 years ago
Dear Mr Ant,  I'v turned caniball, I'm hungry.  
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. I'm not a cannibal but I hear that the ass is one of the more flavoursome joints on a human.

Kind regards,

Tony (footytube staff) 4 years ago
What a bummer?
SergioRamos (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear Ant.

I have a lot on my mind at the moment, a lot of quistions needing answers and few which cannot be asked on a pg13 site. Of all my worries, thier is one that I just cannot find an answer to D:

Here it goes.

I have a complicated situation. Basically I'm in love with this girl. But her brother is my.... Best friend, it all started a year back when I went over to his house, and me and her started talking (she is a year younger then me) and we had a laugh and what not. I went home didn't think much of it at the time, just thought she was friendly.

A few weeks later I was walking home with my friend, we encounterd this random idiot who had came past and made a comment on my friends sister, this had made me angry, and at the time I couldn't understand why I had gotten angry. It was obvious too me that I started to really really like her.

Everytime I see her, my heart pounds like crazy, and everytime me and her meet and talk I often want to blurt it out but I can't D: its hard as my friend is like a brother to me, and I don't know how he will react to all this.

Please try to shine some wisdom on me D:

Kind Regards

ShorifAhmed aka Serrrhiioo Ramos!
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Sergio,

Thanks for your letter. I've always found it strange when people think their friends sisters are attractive. Doesn't she just remind you of your friend? Don't they look really alike, like your friend in a wig, with a pair of oranges down their t-shirt? Creepy.

If that hasn't ruined your affection for the girl, I'll continue. I'll be blunt, I think its doomed. If you hook up with your friends sister, you'll most likely end up losing a friend, or at the very least it will be weird to go over there when you and the girl break up.

There's a couple of things you can try.
1. Pretend to be your own sister and become good friends with her.
2. Tell her you have a secret but you have to whisper it into her mouth
3. Find out if there's any guy she likes, make a rubber mask of him, wear it, hey presto
4. Keep talking about Twilight, teenage girls love that crap

If all this fails, cover yourself in sparkles and rainbow stickers, buy a pony, look moody and strong, learn poetry, write a song about her, punch some guy that insulted her.

Let us know how it goes

Kind regards


SergioRamos (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Shall update yah.... But all that above hasn't help haha
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
PS I don't give real advice
Hill (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dearest Ant,

I've fallen for a beautiful green eyed gal. She makes me float and my heart beat quicker. Problem: I've learned she is in rehab. For heroin. Where do I go from here? I think I may love her?!


Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Hill,

Thanks for your letter. A green eyed girl that finally went to rehab? I think I know just who you mean.

If her eyes look brown in that image, its because they are full of heroin.

I'm not sure if you've seen Trainspotting but heroin is a bit of a downer when it comes to long term relationships. Before you know it, you'll be dunking your head into filthy toilets and your babies will be crawling about on the roof. My advice is to steer clear and leave this fantasy woman exactly as she is: a fantasy.

If anyone tries to make you go to rehab, you say ah-no, no, no.

Kind regards

SergioRamos (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hill (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Ant,    I believe you have saved me from taking a path I should avoid.      Thank you,    Andrew

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