Forums / Off Topic Banter
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Dear Ant...
NiallH (Manchester City) 7 years ago
Hi Ant,

I followed some of your earlier advice, but it has left me with another problem that maybe you can help me with.
I used the swarm of hookers to get rid of my (now ex) girlfriend - and believe me it worked like a charm.
However I'm now stuck with what seems like an ever expanding cloud of street walkers. The large selection of ladies attracted legions of lusty lads. So rather than move on, they've stayed - and opened some kind of sex supermarket, a Dunnes Whores if you will.

In fact even more have moved in, there are short ones stacked under the stairs like russian dolls. I can't hardly move about the place! If I want to make breakfast I have to hump my way down to the kitchen. I'm getting itchy and broke - fast.

There's even some kind of ecology going on. The one's on the outside get the most business, therefore charge more, but they won't the let the inner one's out. They have to feed off the poorer Johns who can't afford the outside ones. But then THEY can't get out - and end up working for the inner ho's, pimping to make some money until they can afford a girl near a door to escape. It's like some kind of e-ho-system.

Help me Ant! How can I get rid of them, or even thin the herd a little?
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Niall,

Thanks for your letter. Oh boy. I should have stipulated earlier not to follow the advice that I provide for other readers - its all tailor made for their situation, not yours. Now look at the mess.

From my rudimentary understanding of ecology, I think you have a serious problem on your hands. I'm sure your house has a certain tropical environment now, with humidity and mist hanging in the air, condensation and sweat running down the walls. All from the virtually non-stop grinding of the strippers.
Your house is acting like a self-contained island full of street walkers. If I have only learned one thing from Jurassic Park, its that the closer you are to the edges of the house (the "ocean") the bigger the animals get. Hence I expect the prostitutes around the edge are the tallest or fattest of the lot.

What you must surely fear now is a rapid burst of evolution right in the centre of your house. Those creatures would become super-hookers. I could make some suggestions as to what that would probably entail, physically, but please just use your imagination. You need to cull this herd as soon as possible and certainly before the spark of evolution takes off deep in the dark heart of your house.

What to do. Here are a few suggestions:
1. The Sacrifice
What you need to do is convince a really rich or handsome guy into your house, and have him visit every square inch within the walls. The ladies who have taken your house hostage will exhaust themselves on him, leaving you the easy but undesirable talk of lifting and carrying them out into the lawn to cool off and scatter into the neighborhood. Of course, you understand the sacrificial guy will not survive the night.

2. Pest Control
I've seen it happen where if two dogs are rutting on the lawn, someone might spray cold water on them from a hose and it breaks it up quickly. Do you have sprinklers in your house? Set them off. Then you and your friends run in with Ghostbuster style backpacks, spraying cold water on the ones that weren't affected by the sprinklers.

3. Anti-matter
Perhaps if you fill your next-door neighbours house with male prostitutes, the strong magnetic pull between + (female) and - (male) in the houses will cause both to collapse. A drastic solution, but a viable one I think. I'm not sure, but I think if you put a male and female prostitute together, both disappear and you are left with a smal amount of salt, water and an odour of sulphur.

4. Superpimp
Get someone like Samuel L. Jackson to come into your house (not easy) and yell and scream the ladies out of there. At that point, you can hose down the walls and disinfect the surfaces. The trick is that L. Jackson will be saddled with the women once they are out of your house, and if you make some simple charms and spells, they won't be able to enter your property again.

I do hope one of the above works for you, please let us know.

Kind regards,

Blooob (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Dear Ant

I have a conscience's problem. My girlfriend is going strange with another boy. Through other people I heard who this dude was. This guy plays for a rival football club of my. Which I had a match against last sunday. As soon as the game started I gave him a hard kick and now he can never play football again. My conscience is killing me what should I do


Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Blooob,

Thanks for your letter. I think its probably best if you buy some flowers and a card, perhaps a fruit bowl, and man up and go visit the other player in hospital. When you get there, place the flowers in a nice glass beside his bed, feed him a grape or two, apologise and read your card to him.
When you are back on his good side, perhaps start to tell him an amusing story, explaining and detailing about your girlfriend and what she did with him, then suddenly kick his other leg very hard and poo in his drip.

Kind regards,

Omar (Arsenal) 7 years ago
Dear Ant,

Keep up the good work. I might even post a question for you to answer someday, IF it ever happens.


Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi MorinKAshi,

Thanks for your mini-letter. Please write as many questions as you like, I'm happy to answer all and any questions from the footytube community.

Kind regards

Calmedmind (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Dear Ant,

I recently find myself w/ an excessive amount of time on my hands (I. E. Unemployment). As such I spend nearly every waking hour watching or playing soccer. This is what makes me happy. My problem is that even though I play on coed teams and know girls that enjoy the game, I am considered to be to much of a fanatic.
What should I do?
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Calmedmind,

Thanks for your letter. People seem to call you a fanatic as if its a bad thing. Ask yourself, do you want to live in a world where watching and loving football is wrong? Of course not.
Do you want to be looked down upon because you think about football more than anything else? Of course not.
If football was a woman, would you kiss it passionately? Absolutely.

Having to give up football "cold turkey" is a hugely difficult thing, especially for those that are unemployed or mentally deficient. Here's an image showing a whole group of people that fall into both categories and had to give it up back in May 2009.

Not a pretty sight.

Speaking from experience, I can say that there is no amount of football that is too much. Did you know that in a normal week I may watch several matches, play three matches, work for footytube in the evenings and work as a stretcher bearer for the Wellington Phoenix on weekends? In between those times, I'm either thinking about or dreaming about football.


Instead of feeling down about loving football so much, be happy now you have time to indulge and feel sad for the future, when you have a job and responsibilities like the rest of us. Better yet, do as I do and get a job where you get to sit and watch games from the very sideline!

Hope this helps your not so bad situation,

Kind regards


Edhokati (Manchester United) 7 years ago
Dear Ant,
I have been addicted to footytube very much. Even in my dreams I would be browsing footytube. My question to you is how do I stop browsing footytube in my dreams, so that I can actually dream of other things, may be like dating an super model
Diablo28 (Real Madrid) 7 years ago
I hope you won't mind if I write this below your question.... I was just about to ask the same question to Mr Ant, please tell us what can we do to stop being so addicted to to footytube....

Kind Regards

Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Edhokati and Diablo,

Thanks for your letters. I have to say it, Edkohati; You have really made a blunder here and have endangered your very existence and sanity. You are very, very close to causing a never-ending loop in reality. Think about it. You are asking how to stop dreaming about footytube. Yet, in real life, you will have to browse footytube to read my answer and learn how to stop dreaming about browsing footytube. What happens if you dream about the act of browsing footytube to learn how to stop dreaming about browsing footytube? You see where I am going here. It's a complete circle.

I think the simplest way to fix this is to never stop browsing footytube. If you don't sleep, you can't dream about footytube.

Failing this, it might be worthwhile to experiment with some self-training. Every time you log onto footytube in real life, you should punch yourself in the crotch or have a friend do it for you. In this manner, when the time comes to browse footytube in your dreams, the act of your friend punching you in the crotch (or the absence of this) will cause you to flinch awake, giving you ample opportunity to walk to your pc and browse footytube for real.

By the way, everyone knows that browsing footytube daily makes you handsome and attractive to supermodels. Just look at our very own male stripper Raf for inspiration.


Kind regards,


PS Diablo, I haven't forgotten you, please follow the above advice but not the bit about zombies or time travel
Nemmy (Inter Milan) 7 years ago
Dear Ant,

I would like to inquire about, when will you pay me the money I earned as Fan Valuation? When I saw I have a lot of money on footytube, I bought a little house and a car on credit, because I thought you will pay it soon. But now the bank wants me to pay back the first portion of the credit, but I haven't got a job, because I spend my whole day browsing footytube, and I didn't get your transfer to my bank account yet. So I really need that money as soon as possible. I don't want to lose my car and my house. I attached a photo of me, my car, and my house, that may touch you.

Yours sincerely
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Dear Nemmy,

Thanks for your letter. Don't worry. I am waiting on the money to come through to me too, but my contact has assured me it is on its way. See below for his email which went into my spam folder by accident.

Family assistance/fund transfer

With due respect, trust and humanity, I write this letterto you seeking your help and assistance, though its difficult since we have not met before. I got your address from the kidderminster information exchange (S. A. I. E)regarding
Your business profile and sincerity. I believe that you are capable and reliable in handling this urgent international transaction of this sort.

I am MR. LEE smith, the first and only son of Citizen smith, the the Zimbabwean former Minister for Youth & Gender Equality who is also a businessman and politician, in the Zimbabwean political arena. Before my father's death, in his "WILL"he specifically drew my attention to this sum of us$21, 320Million, (twenty ONE million, three hundred AND twenty thousand united state dollar)which he deposited in a safe box of a private security company in south Africa, infact MY father SAID IN HIS WILL AND quote:-

"MY beloved son, I wish to draw your attention to the sum of us$21, 320, 000. 00(twenty ONE million, three hundred AND twenty thousand united state dollar), which I deposited in a box with a security company in Johannesburg, South Africa. Incase of my absence on earth caused by death, only you should solicit for reliable foreign partner to assist you to transfer this money out of south Africa for investment purpose. "

For your efforts, am prepared to offer you 25%of the total fund, while 5%will be set aside for local and international expenses and 70%will be kept by my family and me. All I want you to do is to furnish me with your entire personal phone and fax numbers for easy communication. Note that this transaction is 100% Risk free and absolutely confidential.

Looking forward hearing from you.

Yours Faithfully
LEE smith

So don't worry! I am assured that once I provide my bank details and signature (already done) that we will all be rolling around in millions! PS Your car and hairstyle are beautiful.

Kind regards

AniBhat (Arsenal) 7 years ago
Dear Ant,

Recently my two best friends(one male and another female) done their engagement and hoping to marry in near future. They use to share everything with me and when they face any trouble they also come to me to solve their trouble. They are Peter and Annie and use to live together.

Yesterday Peter came to me and almost cried and said that Annie is making his life hell, whenever he leaves the house after that almost every hour Annie called him to know what he is doing, at office everyone laughs at him, he can't ignore the call or switch it off or buy a new one, than Annie will think he is doing something wrong, probably dating to another one.

When I asked Annie she replied woman should always know what is going on her man's head, she got it from a magazine and so 60 minutes break enough to give him and for her this therapy her husband will not get much time to think about any other woman also.

Now Peter is thinking not to marry her, but they used to love each other very much. How can I save their marriage? What should I do or rather advise them?

Desperately needs your help.

Regards Ani.
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Ani,

Thanks for your letter. This is a hairy situation. Having a very clingy partner can be one of the worst things ever.

Klingons on the starboard bow

You have to decide why she might be acting irrationally like this. Has peter been unfaithful in the past? Has Annie had previous boyfriends that cheated on her? My honest opinion is that Peter and Annie need to sort this out between themselves. Specifically, Peter needs to confront Annie and ask for some breathing space. She is acting unreasonable.

If they don't want to discuss it between themselves, the next best thing is if they each get their strongest grandmother and put them into a brutal death race. The winner gets to choose how often the loser must contact the other.

If the second option goes ahead, please let me know because I want to put some money on a bet for the fat one

Kind regards,

AniBhat (Arsenal) 7 years ago
You are right, Annie had earlier bad experience, that guy use to tell him he is in work, but one day she found that the guy cheated her, so he loved Peter so much do not want to lose him.
One thing, I have not seen a boy to cry so much, like peter did after listening her whole story.
But I did not get a chance for your 2nd therapy, after that they started so much hug, that I had to leave their house last night. Probably the operation is successful, today according to Peter Annie called him just 3 times on his whole 9 hours outing and now they should be on movie hall, sadly they have not paid me the ticket price:::::;

Lots of best wishes to you,

Blueskiesahead (Chelsea) 7 years ago
Alright, I know your busy but your doing a great job so far and I really need this bit of advice or else I may just go and do something stupid....

So I'm having this party in a few days, and I wanted to keep it farely small since my house and property arent the biggest. However word got out that there was going to be a party at my house and of course, me being the greatest person that the kids at my school have ever had the opportunity to know, let alone go to a party hosted by none other than me, so now everyone in my area wants to go. There are two major problems with this as you already know. One, is that too many people, usually equals trouble, and two of course, is that it will take longer to clean up, which means less time spent on footytube. Then again on the other hand, the more the marrier right? So as you can see I have quite the dilemma. Please help me.
Charlie (Barcelona) 7 years ago
Where is this party exactly? Ill bring the dungeons and dragons board
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Blue,

Thanks for your letter and I do hope I'm in time to provide advice. Sorry for the delay. You need to think fast about what to do. A lot of companies are currently "rebranding" their products. I recommend you rebrand your party. When people you don't like turn up with beer, tell them it's a "political party" and ask which side they're on. No matter what answer they give, slam the door in their face and optionally take a whizz out the letterbox onto their shoes.
There are loads of other options so here's a few:
- Tell the people you don't want it's a costume party and the theme is "famous German dictators".
- Get a friend disguised as you to host the crappy party while you have the good party elsewhere.
- Lower the party population by using broken glass instead of costly ice cubes.
- Get a Rentacop to turn up and demand the party be cancelled. For authenticity he should beat you senseless, tase a kid in a wheelchair and molest some guests.
- Replace the party mix music with a DJ that favours 1980s hair rock.

I hope some of the above helps to get rid of the losers at the party

Kind regards,

Diablo28 (Real Madrid) 7 years ago
Dear Ant,

I have been constipated since Wednesday and still can't go and since I can pay the doctor right now because I am broke, I come to you for some help.... What can I do?
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Diablo,

Thanks for your letter. I can't fully empathize with your situation because I've never experienced the misery of constipation. A hearty diet of beans and vegetation has meant my dung emerges effortlessly like frisky eels out of a drainpipe. Indeed, sometimes they pass so freely it's like champagne being sprayed after a Formula One victory.
However, none of this helps your bunged up anal agony. Some tried and tested methods to get things moving are to drink prune juice, eat more fibre or watch old Bruce Willis movies. Another thing you might try is to paint the face of an enemy - perhaps an ex boss or lover - onto the bottom of the toilet bowl. The extra incentive of dropping logs onto their watery face might be what you need.

The final method to entice an anal avalanche is probably a little extreme, but worth mentioning in case of emergency. It involves shaving a gerbil, coating it in Vaseline and stuffing it into your rusty bullethole. If it works, the squirming creature will shake loose the chocolate. However, of course, if the move doesn't work, you'll have to work out how to not only poop, but explain to the hospital why you need assistance. Richard Gere may be able to assist.

Good luck dumping from all at footytube

Kind regards

Diablo28 (Real Madrid) 7 years ago
Thanks for the help Mr Ant...
Devang (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Dear Ant.

My problem is a bit colorful and you might not believe it at 1st but every word is true.

Em incarcerated at a castle far far away.... Where my master makes me work all day for making adult toys and in return(pity) he lets me surf footytube for few minutes....
The castle is guarded by total 87 royal guards and a dragon who sits on the gate to make sure I don't escape....

I need help desperately Ant I just can't take this anymore!
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Devang,

Thanks for your letter. I've only heard of this happening once before, so I'll give you the same advice now as I gave her back them. Call a plumber. He will battle the guards and save you from the dragon. However, you might not like what he takes as payment.

Kind regards,

Devang (Liverpool) 7 years ago
How helpful Ant.... From one hell to another....  Can't you rescue me? Ill give you a bunch of toys I made in return  
Rockerr (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Dear Ant,
Nowadays I'm addicted to this site a lot. I'm always looking for new forums to comment. Get excited whenever get cool votes or dreamfooty points. And it's normal among the netizens to get addicted to a site.... But I'm currently having my study holidays and exams are going to start next month. But I'm contionously going through this site without studying(I'm doing Mechanical engg.). I'm already having 4 arrears and I have to clear them all. So somehow I have to get out of this site. To add more trouble Logout button is not working in my browser. So ther is only 2 ways to get me off this site:1. The site should be closed till my exams are over or 2. I should get bored of this site. But both are not going to happen.
So suggest me the third way, if there is one
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Rockerr,

Thanks for your letter. There is only one solution for your dilemma. You must somehow study footytube as a subject. This will be more difficult seeing as you are a Mechanical Engineer student, but you must find a way.

Another option to try might be to open two websites on two browsers, side by side. One is a study website, the other is footytube. If you use one eye each per screen you can both work and play.

My final piece of advice would be to perhaps get hypnosis so that when you are studying, it feels like you are browsing footytube. In fact, for $5 more, you can get hypnotised to think that everything you do is as good as being on footytube! Think about it.... Eating dinner would be every bit as good as browsing the forums. Even going to the toilet would feel like you are reading the caption competition! Actually, this might be a bad thing. It might make actually browsing footytube feel less special.

Perhaps we should close footytube until your classes are over.... Everybody, blame Rockerr.

Kind regards


Rockerr (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Okay....Let me try out your tips and see whether it helps.
But one thing is sure ,if footytube is closed because of me,they won't leave me alive.They won't hesitate to spend money to come to India and finish me.

Pragathish (AC Milan) 7 years ago
Dear Ant,

I have an 'unusual' problem. I look so lean and underweight. I have tried all the remedies that google told me. But no useI am 16 years old, and I weigh only 43 KGs and I am 5. 8 tall!So imagine how lean I am.... This is dreadful.... I can't even imagine about those bulging biceps and fully chiselled body.... I've tried OVER eating too.... And that didn't help me either. Everybody looks me strange and tells 'OMG!Your soo lean!'. That frustrates me like anything. So please help me Ant.... Suggest some ways to gain weight.

Thank you,

Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Pragathish,

Thanks for your letter. I think this is another one of those problems a lot of people would be happy to have! Some people can eat as much as they like and never put on weight. My advice to you is to slowly build up your muscle mass, one muscle at a time. Check out this fellow


He has worked for six years on his right arm alone and is now a champion arm wrestler. No joke. I've no idea what his workout strategy was but I'm surprised he doesn't wear glasses.

With his method, you could spend six years on your right arm, six years on your left arm, and six years each per leg. However, that's a long, long time, so unless you plan a long-term fix then we have to think of some other methods.

- You could wear really baggy clothes and stuff them full of old newspapers and dirty underwear? You would not be fatter but you might look and smell that way.
- You could be friends with loads of very skinny people so that you are the "fat" one in your group?

Seriously though, muscle is heavier than fat, so if you started a regular workout routine you might put on weight. If you are naturally lean, then you might just be stuck like that! I was very thin until I hit about 25 and then I started to slowly, slowly put on weight.

Good luck with your quest for fatness

Kind Regards,

Pragathish (AC Milan) 7 years ago
Thanks ant.... I'll do them....
Devang (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Dear Ant its me again

Don't worry this is no fantasy related question I would like to ask you a bit of a personal question....
OK here goes, my girlfriend is too possessive about me, its good in a way but some times it just irritates me.... She gets really pissed off when I talk to other girls.... She thinks if she gives me too much space around other women then ill cheat on her.... Which is so not true.... I have tried to convince her sometimes but she just doesn't want to trust me around other women....
Any suggestions? Should I drop the topic? Because if I go fighting for it then she might think something is fishy as I am trying too hard to talk to other women it would seem....
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Devang,

Thanks for your letter. Your problem reminds me of Anibhats letter a few above this one, also about a very clingy partner. I think the best way to approach this is to leave a note in a place you know she will find it when she is alone and has time to think. Perhaps beside her bathtub or under her pillow. If you can't think of a decent note to write, I have provided one here for you to print out and use, if you like.

I am also not sure of your job so in this note I have made you a sailor that can shoot arrows out of your fingers. I do hope this helps you, my friend.

Kind regards

Devang (Liverpool) 6 years ago
Hmmmm.... Ill take your advice Ant! But if it back fires then em coming back for you....
Diablo28 (Real Madrid) 7 years ago
Dear Ant,    My Fan Valuation has been going down lately, What can I do to be on top again?
Ant (Liverpool) 7 years ago
Hi Diablo,

Thanks for your letter. A top secret cheat-mode method to get free valuation is to hold down the "alt" key on your keyboard and press the "F4" key.

Kind regards

ManUK (Manchester United) 6 years ago
Looooooool! That's some method Ant
Lyndon (Panathinaikos Athens) 6 years ago
Top Secret Indeed. Go on Lads Try it out, just to settle your stomachs, then go over to a nicely cemented wall, then bang your head against it. Cheers Ant! Spot On.

Senthil (Chelsea) 6 years ago
Hahhaaha, nice reply ant lol...
Banacula (Aston Villa) 6 years ago
Dear Ant,

I'm addicted to sending in made up problems to agony aunts. My pleasure comes from these fools taking time out of their days to answer my ficticious problems. Please Help!

Also I'm being haunted by the Ghost of Dom DeLouise
Ant (Liverpool) 6 years ago
Hey Banacula,

Thanks for your letter. Regarding the first part, there is no problem. Keep sending them and stay addicted. With regards to the ghost of Dom DeLuise, this must be a real nightmare for you. I have to empathise. Having a spook hanging around can be a genuine struggle.

The best way to counter this particular ghost would be to use a "Ouija Burt" which is essentially a normal ouija board with Burt Reynolds face crudely painted on. If the mood takes you, feel free to wear poor cardboard masks of Burt and also some awful toupees.

When you get contact with him, remember to ask him why he is haunting you. Perhaps you can solve this ordeal by "killing" (eating) a sandwich and feeding him the "ghost" (dung).

Good luck with your 1970s spectral shocker

Kind regards,


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