Dear Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. I believe there is a tradition in China whereby they give red cards to children with monrey in them, for good luck. Solution for you, dress your father as a chinese child and force him onto a cargo ship to Shanghai.

亲切的问候和好运

Ant

Dear Juno,

Thanks for your letter. Might I interest you in the world of alternative employment? What are your skills? If you are fast at running and good with your hands, may I suggest being a shoplifter and/or riot looter?




People will even adjust your collar for free.

If you want a job that will always have clients, I recommend becoming a gravedigger. In fact, you can combine jobs. If you like finding treasure, why not dig graves in known pirate treasure areas? If you don't find any chests or booty (not porn) then at least you have several fresh graves dug.

If shoplifter or gravedigger do not suit you, then I apologise but I don't think there are any other jobs available. I will keep your CV on file and contact you if anything comes up.

Kind regards

Ant

Bet your sorry you asked juno.... Lol

Dear Godzilla,

Thanks for your letter. You're in a tricky situation, but I think I have come up with a solution that will satisfy everyone.

Firstly, hide your friend outside of the house while you go in to tell his parents. Assure him that everything will go well. Then when you go to tell his parents, simply don't tell them. Instead, put a DVD in their player of the loudest, raunchiest gay man love that you can find. Point at the tv, then point at a picture of their son, then point at the tv.

Use the intenational symbol of gayness



Explain in detail what he likes to do, using hand signals and puppets, mime and song. Then, call in your friend and make your excuses to leave.

One of two things will happen. Either they'll hug him and understand completely, or they'll kick him out of the house. Either way, he'll be better off that living in a place where they hate gay people.

Kind regards

Ant

Dear ManUK,

Thanks for your letter.

Why would I want to leave? We're so happy. So very happy.

Kind regards

Ant





ǝɔılod ǝɥʇ llɐɔ

Dear Ant,

I called the police, they arrested and put me in jail for watching movies on an illegal website.

Thanks for big help

ManUK

Dear KTA7,

Thanks for your letter. The best way to meet girls is to dress up as one and enrol in an all girls school. I've seen several movies and this seems to work every time.

Kind regards

Ant

Dear Sahac,

Thanks for your letter. Boy, oh boy. You really made a mess of that. The only way you could have made it worse is that if you said her chest reminded you of Marlon Brandos.




You need to fix this. Does she have a hot cousin or sister? Even an aunt? The best thing you can do is flirt heavily with them, and try to get to the stage you are kissing them or more. Then, text your girlfriend and tell her to meet you at a place you've arranged to kiss her family member.

When she turns up, she'll see you passionately making out with her nearest and dearest and she'll realise her mistake. She'll know you love the way her family looks, and therefore how she looks.

If all goes well, she'll join in and suddenly, you, her, her aunt, her sister and her cousin will all be in a king sized bed, making sweet, sweaty apologies to each other all night.

Bon appetit

Kind regards

Ant

Hi Kerasface,

Thanks for your letter. Back in my day before television or motorcars, we used to chase a hoop down a road with a stick.

If that's a little bit too exciting, I would recommend some of the other old-timey popular games, like "naked leapfrog", "bite the vicar", "who flung dung" or "drop trousers"



Ant, [C.]1902

Times were more innocent back then, and taking a dump on your neighbours doorstep was seen as a practical joke, not as an act of terrorism.

If all else fails, get out there in the fresh air and kick a football.

Kind regards

Ant


PS For the purpose of answering this, I have assumed you are a time travelling child from the early 1900s

I hope your not having a dig at me scally.... Lol, I had a bigger hoop.... Lmao
I think the stick and the hoop were slightly even before my time.
But great advice as ever mate

"who flung dung" LMAO

Hi Manondmoon,

Thanks for your letter. I think your only reasonable course of action is a non-stop assault of pranks and jokes. Here's a good one to start.

When they are gone home for the day, take the back of their chair off, and pour some pieces of seafood or some juice from a can of tuna in there. Close it all back up and hey presto - its the long play joke that can last for months.

Next buy some of these Annoy-o-trons. Hide them around his desk. If you're really cruel, put one in his car too.

As a final cheeky prank, get a friend to dress a police officer and knock on his door at 3am to tell him that everyone he loves is dead.





Best of luck!

Kind regards

Ant

Thanks you for each of your replies Ant, for taking the time to do this was just awesome, each of your replies were damn hilarious, I will miss reading them!

LOL

Ah, monsieur Antoine, why you leave? I hope you'll be back when the European Championship is here, so we can have a chat again. I haven't been doing much footytubing lately either. Guess my relationship with this website is finally getting strained too.

All the best counsellor, talk to you sooner, or later

Just to clear things up a bit here, the mighty antster has moved on to new pastures although he will stick his head in from time to time, and he will always be an honorary mod in my book.
A sad loss to footytube in a big way

I have to give special thanks here to Ant for helping me escape the clutches of the footytube towers. Couldn't have done it without you…

Peace out Ant, your a footytube legend

This is like Berbatov leaving United, Drogba leaving Chelsea, RVP leaving Arsenal (assuming he is going to), and Guardiola leaving Barcelona all combined into one.

Truly a footytube legend and will not be forgotten

Cheers to you Ant, top class lad! True Liverpool fan and great mod!