Forums / Off Topic Banter
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Dear Ant...
LumpOfCelery (Chelsea) 5 years ago
Dear Ant

My dad keeps on asking me to get red cards so he can get some money. Please can you give me a solution?


Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Dear Ayyam,

Thanks for your letter. I believe there is a tradition in China whereby they give red cards to children with monrey in them, for good luck. Solution for you, dress your father as a chinese child and force him onto a cargo ship to Shanghai.


Juno (AC Milan) 5 years ago
Dear Agony Ant,    My new year resolution is to get a new job. Any suggestions?
Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Dear Juno,

Thanks for your letter. Might I interest you in the world of alternative employment? What are your skills? If you are fast at running and good with your hands, may I suggest being a shoplifter and/or riot looter?

People will even adjust your collar for free.

If you want a job that will always have clients, I recommend becoming a gravedigger. In fact, you can combine jobs. If you like finding treasure, why not dig graves in known pirate treasure areas? If you don't find any chests or booty (not porn) then at least you have several fresh graves dug.

If shoplifter or gravedigger do not suit you, then I apologise but I don't think there are any other jobs available. I will keep your CV on file and contact you if anything comes up.

Kind regards

Tony (footytube staff) 5 years ago
Bet your sorry you asked juno.... Lol
PeterzeGooner (Arsenal) 5 years ago
Dear Ant.... I need you to tell me what to do

It was new years and my closest friend revealed something I could not imagine. He told me his gay. I had no idea, this is someone who we grew up together and played football together in high school. We even chased the girls together back then. He saw my jug in the showers.

I had no idea. Now his telling me he needs my help to break the news to his parents. Thing is he doesn't want to be around when someone tells his parents. Cause where am from they kinda hang gay people. His dad would kill him

Mate how am I supposed to approach this while making sure his family doesn't hate him forever?
Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Dear Godzilla,

Thanks for your letter. You're in a tricky situation, but I think I have come up with a solution that will satisfy everyone.

Firstly, hide your friend outside of the house while you go in to tell his parents. Assure him that everything will go well. Then when you go to tell his parents, simply don't tell them. Instead, put a DVD in their player of the loudest, raunchiest gay man love that you can find. Point at the tv, then point at a picture of their son, then point at the tv.

Use the intenational symbol of gayness

Explain in detail what he likes to do, using hand signals and puppets, mime and song. Then, call in your friend and make your excuses to leave.

One of two things will happen. Either they'll hug him and understand completely, or they'll kick him out of the house. Either way, he'll be better off that living in a place where they hate gay people.

Kind regards

ManUK (Manchester United) 5 years ago
Dear Ant,

After escaping the chambers of the footytube towers I have skillfully been avoiding the footytube forces for months out looking for me (take note: changing your name is not effective, changing your face is).

Anyways I've made my way back to the gates of the footytube towers, and I'm rummaging out in the bushes as I speak. My ultimate goal is to free all the prisoners of the footytube towers, and take down the already crumbling footytube empire.

What's changed since I left? I need to plan out the break in

Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Dear ManUK,

Thanks for your letter.

Why would I want to leave? We're so happy. So very happy.

Kind regards


ǝɔılod ǝɥʇ llɐɔ
ManUK (Manchester United) 5 years ago
Dear Ant,

I called the police, they arrested and put me in jail for watching movies on an illegal website.

Thanks for big help

Rudd (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Dear Ant.... I'm trying to find a **** girl so I can chat and yano stuff...
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear KTA7,

Thanks for your letter. The best way to meet girls is to dress up as one and enrol in an all girls school. I've seen several movies and this seems to work every time.

Kind regards

SaHac (Hamburger SV) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

What have I done wrong? My primary gf hasn't spoken to me since valentines day. She says that she is livid over my saying "god, you look like your father, " to her. 1) I always thought that was a compliment; her father looks like a present-day marlon brando, and 2)I might have said it three times that day.... You know, when she tried on the dress i'd bought her/at dinner/during the movie. I mean really? Three times and its over?

I even told her that I saw hints of her mother, or maybe her grandmother, in her face and chest, but its like that just made things worse....

I don't know what to do. I haven't done anything wrong, right? I told her its too bad she doesn't have her father's brain because he wouldn't be such a diva.

Thanks again, sahac.
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear Sahac,

Thanks for your letter. Boy, oh boy. You really made a mess of that. The only way you could have made it worse is that if you said her chest reminded you of Marlon Brandos.

You need to fix this. Does she have a hot cousin or sister? Even an aunt? The best thing you can do is flirt heavily with them, and try to get to the stage you are kissing them or more. Then, text your girlfriend and tell her to meet you at a place you've arranged to kiss her family member.

When she turns up, she'll see you passionately making out with her nearest and dearest and she'll realise her mistake. She'll know you love the way her family looks, and therefore how she looks.

If all goes well, she'll join in and suddenly, you, her, her aunt, her sister and her cousin will all be in a king sized bed, making sweet, sweaty apologies to each other all night.

Bon appetit

Kind regards

Kerasface (PSG) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I still have a few weeks of holidays before the next semester starts. I don't know how to spend the time wisely. What do you think I should do?

Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Kerasface,

Thanks for your letter. Back in my day before television or motorcars, we used to chase a hoop down a road with a stick.

If that's a little bit too exciting, I would recommend some of the other old-timey popular games, like "naked leapfrog", "bite the vicar", "who flung dung" or "drop trousers"

Ant, [C.]1902

Times were more innocent back then, and taking a dump on your neighbours doorstep was seen as a practical joke, not as an act of terrorism.

If all else fails, get out there in the fresh air and kick a football.

Kind regards


PS For the purpose of answering this, I have assumed you are a time travelling child from the early 1900s
Tony (footytube staff) 4 years ago
I hope your not having a dig at me scally.... Lol, I had a bigger hoop.... Lmao
I think the stick and the hoop were slightly even before my time.
But great advice as ever mate
Pragathish (AC Milan) 4 years ago
"who flung dung" LMAO
ManOnDMoon (Manchester City) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I hope you can help me once more.

I don’t get on well with one of my colleagues; he has a serious god-like complex. I tried to avoid the conflict, but he is watching me, bitching about me and then.... Pretends we are pals. To make things worse, he plays stuff like Celine Dion, hates on Mario Balotelli (even though I’m sure he can’t tell him and Snoop Dogg apart), and looks like Terry, which is a bit disturbing.

What can I do before I lose my temper and make him swallow his own teeth?

Thanks and regards,

Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Manondmoon,

Thanks for your letter. I think your only reasonable course of action is a non-stop assault of pranks and jokes. Here's a good one to start.

When they are gone home for the day, take the back of their chair off, and pour some pieces of seafood or some juice from a can of tuna in there. Close it all back up and hey presto - its the long play joke that can last for months.

Next buy some of these Annoy-o-trons. Hide them around his desk. If you're really cruel, put one in his car too.

As a final cheeky prank, get a friend to dress a police officer and knock on his door at 3am to tell him that everyone he loves is dead.

Best of luck!

Kind regards

Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Footytubers,

Thank you all for the awesome letters and input over the years, its been excellent hearing your agonies. I hope I didn't cause too many issues in your personal and professional lives with my answers! I am signing off now and riding away on my steed into the sunset, cape flapping in the wind

My final piece of advice regarding prostitutes: if you need to go to the bathroom, tell them to keep clapping their hands in the other room so that you know they aren't stealing your stuff

Kind regards,

GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 4 years ago
Thanks you for each of your replies Ant, for taking the time to do this was just awesome, each of your replies were damn hilarious, I will miss reading them!
[account-removed] 4 years ago
Jeroen (Barcelona) 4 years ago
Ah, monsieur Antoine, why you leave? I hope you'll be back when the European Championship is here, so we can have a chat again. I haven't been doing much footytubing lately either. Guess my relationship with this website is finally getting strained too.

All the best counsellor, talk to you sooner, or later
Tony (footytube staff) 4 years ago
Just to clear things up a bit here, the mighty antster has moved on to new pastures although he will stick his head in from time to time, and he will always be an honorary mod in my book.
A sad loss to footytube in a big way
ManUK (Manchester United) 4 years ago
I have to give special thanks here to Ant for helping me escape the clutches of the footytube towers. Couldn't have done it without you…

Peace out Ant, your a footytube legend
Achiox (Manchester United) 4 years ago
This is like Berbatov leaving United, Drogba leaving Chelsea, RVP leaving Arsenal (assuming he is going to), and Guardiola leaving Barcelona all combined into one.

Truly a footytube legend and will not be forgotten
ScouserDan (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Cheers to you Ant, top class lad! True Liverpool fan and great mod!
Marky569 (Manchester United) 10 months ago
Dear Ant, my problem is I believe that there is someone who is always watching me especially when I go to shower. I wanna know if I can just let her do it or I need to confront to her once I catch her. Thanks

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