Forums / Off Topic Banter
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Dear Ant...
Lee (Kidderminster Harriers) 4 years ago


Thinking of leaving your wife?

Worried about that persistent itch in your pants?

Not sure whether to cross-dress in the red or blue sequined miniskirt at your high school prom?

With no expenses spared, we're very proud here at footytube to have hired one of the finest agony uncles on hmm, footytube - all round super lovely bloke Ant Scally.

With no life to speak of, Ant is here pretty much 24/7 to solve all those pressing life issues and embarrassing problems that you don't have time to think about for yourself.

So, any life-issue - big or small- feel free to jot a Dear Ant post below, and put his 31 years of grinding, relentless, disappointments to the test.

Matt (Footytube Staff) 4 years ago
Dear Ant....

I have a man I can no longer trust. He cheats so much it's getting infuriating and to make matters even worse, I'm not even sure that the baby I'm carrying is his.

What on earth should I do?

Kind Regards,

Matt
In need of Desperate Help
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Matt,

Thanks for your letter. Now, this is a tricky situation. First things first, you'll need one of those strap-on mining style headlamps. Then you'll need a hand mirror and about twenty of those pine tree car air fresheners. Take a bath. You won't like what I am about to suggest.

You need to lay flat out out on your back, like a common or garden roast turkey. Spread the air fresheners liberally about the bed or table where you are performing this act. Next, place the mirror in one hand, and the headlamp on your head. Ensure it is switched to "on". Using the mirror at arms length and reflecting the light down and between your legs, try to view the baby. If the baby is long, steaming and tapered at both ends, you have looked too far south.




When you have a good view of the baby's face, compare it to the memory you have of the man you no longer trust. Is it the same face, just smaller? Chances are the baby belongs to him - but it is another question altogether how it got up there.

To ensure he doesn't cheat any more, you could politely ask any women you meet to not sleep with him, both while you're together and also when you are wandering the streets alone. Sometimes shock is the best weapon, so I recommend perhaps yelling it or leaping from shop doorways to ensure your request is remembered.

Important: before asking the women, I recommend removing the air fresheners and headlamp, and getting dressed. Soon enough he will be all yours.

Regards

Ant
Tony (footytube staff) 4 years ago
Could at least taken those blue socks off.... Very funny guys.... Lmao
Tdsmufan (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Lol
Ben (Arsenal) 4 years ago
Dear Ant....

A bat has invaded my private sleeping quarters at twilight. It is making me uncomfortable, because I know the blind bastard can strike at any given opportunity while I'm sound asleep, and start sucking me off in all the wrong places. I've seen the two Batman movies, I know my way around bats but not enough to deal with this situation. Please help before something bad happens and I turn into one of those bat-shitting goths:


Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago


Hi Ben,

Thanks for your letter. It can be a nasty experience when a leathery old beast gets into your bedroom, so here's a tip that will see it wing its way back to the filthy cave it flapped from.

The first thing to check is whether the bat is an evolved "Nolanus Darknightus" or the far more deadly "Schumacher Disasterus". The only way to check is to look for visible nipple protrusion on the beast. If you see nipples, it's definitely a fruit bat.

With the above in mind, I'd recommend printing out and wearing a George Clooney mask. If you combine George Clooney and a bat, you will most likely not see or hear anything about it for ten years or more.




Hopefully that puts an end to your bat-astrophe

Regards

Ant


Tony (footytube staff) 4 years ago
Imagine wakening up beside that.... !  I think your all bats.... !
Incuteration (Everton) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I suspect there is a stalker following me home everyday because of my charmingness (I guess). What should I do?

Regards,

Keston aka Incuteration
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear Keston,

Many thanks for your letter. This is a simple one. If you leave on your journey home as normal, and then leave again about five minutes later than normal, you can follow your stalker while they follow you. This way you can confirm your suspicions, maybe watch and see what your stalker does and perhaps confront them, or make out with them.

Please be very careful because if you catch up with yourself the consequences for the fabric of time could be disastrous. Also, do not, repeat DO NOT make out with yourself if you do catch up.

We can stalk more about this later

Regards

Ant
Rogue4341 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Ooh! Time Travel!
Lee (Kidderminster Harriers) 4 years ago
Dear Ant....

I've recently been hearing a lot about Obesity in the news of lately recency. It never used to worry me as I thought Obesity was something only Welsh people did with Sheeps. Turns out it's actually a disease that got bought over to Europe by Americans.

How do I know if I have it? And what precautions can I take to ensure my children don't get it?

Regards,

Anonymous
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Lee,

Thanks for your letter.




New studies certainly show that parents are claiming they are "unaware" that their kids are obese, so I'm going to compile a little checklist here for you people to check against when the sprogs finally crawl out.

۩ Does your childs face resemble a greasy, crying pie?
۩ Do you have to buy several outfits at once, and sew them together into one large child mu-mu?
۩ When your child is yelling for food, do their cheeks still touch, in front of their open mouth?
۩ If your child grazes a knee, does gravy come out instead of blood for the first while?
۩ Have you resorted to hugging just the childs arm, to save energy?
۩ If you were to suspend the child, from the top of its head, would its flesh form a natural pyramid?
۩ Does your kid, you know, reek of grease?


If you have answered yes to any of the above, your child may be grotesquely fat. Hope that answers your question Lee.

Regards

Ant
Scottie (Manchester City) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I'm addicted to telephone sex lines. It doesn't matter what time of day or night it is, I can't stop myself from taking hold of the dog and bone and having a quick a shuffle through the classified ads. They say talk is cheap but it's costing me a fortune receiving satisfaction on the blower.

How can I stop these embarrassing urges?
My neighbours in the village are starting to complain that I'm taking too long in the phonebox.

Please help,
Yours desperately

England
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi England,

Thanks for your letter. The simplest way to crush these urges is to beg, borrow or steal a mobile (cell) phone from someone. Then, wait before ringing the frisky, risky sex-chat numbers. In fact, before you dial, go directly to wherever the woman that normally answers the phone is currently located. Then, call the number, stand on tippy-toes and look in the window at her while you talk.

You imagined:



She really looks like:



It's vital that even though you now know what she looks like, you must continue the conversation and do what you normally would do downstairs, even if it means crying, screaming and vomiting noisily throughout. From then on, you will have a natural aversion to these naughty phone chat lines.

Seeing her hideous beastly face while reaching the vinegar strokes will not only diffuse your lust, but will probably put you off forming any meaningful relationships with another human for the rest of your life.

Good luck and do let us know how it works out

Ant
Scottie (Manchester City) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I did manage to find a mobile phone in a skip behind oxfam, but it's one of those 80's bricks and I can only get a signal when I stand outside the local swimming baths - which is proving to be a tad bit awkward to say the least.

You were right though, I was imagining the girls on the end of the phone to be hot and sexy.... Trouble is now you've mentioned it i've just been phoning 0898 gilfhunter to save all the brain work.

And i've started smoking too.

Thanks a bunch

England
Diablo28 (Real Madrid) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

It's been about a month, I had sex with a 35 years old lady to be nun(which I did not know) since then I kind of see my " Mr pleasure" shrinking.... Please help me !

Best regards,

Diablo
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Diablo,

Many thanks for your letter. I've thoroughly googled the subject and have come up the following diagnosis. "Mr Pleasure" is shrinking because you have caught a form of Avian crotch-rot. In laymans terms, you have caught something nasty from sleeping with a female which you thought was a nun, but in fact was a penguin.

Have a look at the police line up shown below. Which of the "women" in the image looks most like what you slept with?


I think if you are very honest, you'll admit the nun had a beak. Don't worry though! Emperor penguins can grow up to four foot in height and mate for life. I'd recommend renting a tuxedo, looking through your book of telephone numbers and settling down.

Kind regards

Ant
Diablo28 (Real Madrid) 4 years ago
Thanks for your help Mr Ant.... I will follow your advice
Charlie (Barcelona) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

I have resently been told that I'm an asshole; a pretentious narcissist, who is completely clueless to other people's feelings. A bad friend, son, and all around a selfish, petty person.

An egoist, who only talks to girls he wants to nail, and only "befriends" people, to take advantage of them. A materialistic man-whore, who is only interested in what the next style is, and how much its going to cost, so he can go out an con some ugly chick to buy it.

Then I was told my tan is too dark.

Needless to say, I won't be visiting my nanna anymore. But as I was sitting in my tanning bed last night, I kept asking myself: how tan is too tan? Ant, can you help me?

Yours truly,

King Charles

P. S. Oh, do you think there is any truth to the other stuff she said?
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Charlie,

Many thanks for your deeply revealing letter. First things first, lets get the issue you have with your tan over and done with. Speaking as an Irishman, I will never know the bliss of having a beautiful bronzed body. I go from Arctic white to lobster red in roughly thirty seconds exposure to natural sunlight. After that, my flesh peels off in beermat-sized chunks, which I call budget nachos.

In order to answer your question fully, I asked footytube resident fashion expert Guy Dough about the topic of suntans (that's him on the left).

His answer was almost unintelligible, but I believe he said that a healthy tan equals a healthy mind. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked him.

Regarding your potty mouth nana, this one is far more tricky. Family are always a hard thing to keep happy, especially when we are dealing with elderly, stinking relatives. I did a little googling and came up with the following file photo of you and your granny.


I can tell that you obviously love her, and are pictured here crying and begging with her, while shooting a sly glance to the viewer, ensuring the cameraman is catching it all. These are surely the actions of a pretentious narcissist? I'll leave you to ponder that.

Kind regards

Ant
Reidscott (Fiorentina) 4 years ago
Dear Ant.... What am I gonna' do? I think I have a ball fetish. I am so ashamed.... It seems like I have to touch and feel every football I see....

I was recently in the " Soccer " section of my friendly sporting goods store and almost cried.... They had put together a beautiful display of new Nike balls in a big bin....

I woke up 2 hrs later with balls all over my body.... It was heaven.

My question is: How do I get the store to let me come back? I must feel those balls.... Soon....

BTW.... I do not know how that sticky stuff got all over the balls.... I swear
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Reidscott,

Thanks for your letter. This is not a very common fetish, so it was very brave of you to admit it here. What you need to do is work out what exactly it is about the football that makes you get all hot and bothered. Once you have discovered this, you need to then find a woman that fills some or all of your ball-crazy requirements.

Perhaps you like the roundness?



Perhaps you like the stitching?



Or maybe its the leather you prefer?



If you can slowly convert from football to women, you'll find the rewards are far more satisfying. Also, your children will look far better.






Kind regards

Ant
Reidscott (Fiorentina) 4 years ago
I am feeling better already.... Boy you are good!
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
I'm happy with the uptake on this topic. There's plenty more steaming advice ready to be squeezed out for anyone that wants a piece!
ManUK (Manchester United) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,
I am obsessed with footytube, addicted so called. I don't do my homework my parents are screaming at me, I don't know what to do with my life.

I Look at the ball during footy practice and I see two antennae sticking out I look a my teachers face and I see


Not a pretty site but It's sorta ruining my life so I need a way to keep doing footytube and have my life on track.

Sincerely,
ManUK

(P.S. Not all the material in letter is completely true.)
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi ManUK,

Thanks for your letter. I can tell you are really hurting. I'm interested to read that you imagine antennae poking out of footballs. This is actually probably not an illusion, but further proof that aliens are among us (as if we needed further proof).


As for seeing Lee's strange veiny face everywhere, I can only sympathise. The only time I've seen it is when I look out my curtains at night and see the bushes moving.


If you want to sort out your parents, I have seen it on TV where the younger person runs upstairs yelling "Its not fair, Its not fair" and then go into your room and slam the door. They'll think you're really annoyed and crying, but in fact you'll be browsing footytube and laughing.

Now we must work out how you can get back your normal life and still enjoy the benefits that footytube brings. Have you ever seen in old movies where the spy cuts eyeholes in a newspaper so that he can peep at whoever he needs to? I suggest you try that with a laptop screen. I've not tried this myself but I am sure it would work.
In this way, you can browse the web, use footytube as much as you want, but still look through the screen and see what your parents, friends, teammates are screaming about.

I hope this works out for you

Kind regards

Ant
Jeroen (Barcelona) 4 years ago
Dear Ant,

Recently I dreamt I became a footytube mod, only to be brutally awaken by 2 girls, pillowfighting for my lovin'. One of them being my ex and the other being her hot sister. Now I know, you probably think: oh come on Jeroen, you pathetic liar, wake up and face the truth. It's every man's dream to one day, or night, end up becoming a footytube mod. And I have to say you are correct.
But then the other night, whilst parking my Aston Martin Vantage V8, I was wondering how the world would look if we would all still be apes?

So my question to you, and I realise that as melon scratchers go, this is a honey doodle, is: should I wear a tie to my job interview on Monday? And if so, a white one with red polka dots? And should I lay off eating my neighbour's mushrooms?

In desperate need of answers,
Jeroen
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi Jeroen,

Thanks for your letter. I can tell from what you wrote that you have a very healthy, inquisitive mind. You asked how the world would look if we were all apes. Now, there's a thinker.

Firstly, there would be a lot more dung flying about, that's for starters. I've tried very hard, but I can't quite imagine what the world would be like without modern day humans, so I have imagined what it may be like if humans and apes lived together as equals. Would we take an ape bride? An ape barber?




Regarding your other question about wearing a tie or not, I would have to recommend going for the element of surprise. You must remember that potential employers have seen loads of candidates and loads of CVs. However, I'll wager they have never seen a candidate dressed as a low budget Jar-Jar Binks from the Star Wars movies!



If you don't feel up to wearing a celebrity costume, consider perhaps wearing a tie that has a photo of your future boss (think positive) on it. Imagine his surprise when you shake his hand, and there on your tie is an image of his red, sweaty face, captured in the throngs of ecstasy!

By the way I'm not suggesting you should stalk your future boss and take surveillance photos of them in compromising positions, but I recommend the latest Canon model with a zoom lens and night vision attachment.

Good luck and kind regards!

Ant
Theshid (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear Ant

My girlfriend is harassing me, so I tryed to get rid of her by sleeping with her best friend but she told me that she'll stick with me till the very end. I don't know what to do to be single again. Help!
Sincerely
The shid
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear The Shid,

Thanks for your letter. Just to confirm, you say your problem is that you are allowed to have sex with anybody you choose and still have a girlfriend. Perhaps every other man should be asking you for advice.

If you really want to end this relationship, then there is no point being subtle. I suggest the following:
Save up your money for a few months. Hire a smoke machine, disco ball, thumping sound system. Set them up around your house/apartment while your girlfriend sleeps. Hire as many strippers, exotic dancers and streetwalkers as you can afford for an hour. Absolutely fill your house or apartment with them. I mean pack them in everywhere - wardrobes, wall spaces, chimney, under the bath, every available inch. Crowd-surf in extra hookers if needs be.
-= Lights off =-




Wake your girlfriend by blasting the filthiest music you can out of the sound system and have all the strippers dancing and making out. As she tries to push by the strippers, rubbing her tired eyes, and finds you grinding and dancing right in the middle of them, hopefully this is her breaking point.
-= Lights on =-




Let us know how it goes

Kind regards

Ant
Lfcalan (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear Ant....
I thank you so much for answering everyone's question on footytube
You are so helpful and I am sure everyone recpects you greatly ~
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Part one: No problem at all, you're welcome. Looking forward to more questions
Part two; I doubt it, unfortunately part of my job is moaning at people on the forums
ToroNero (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Dear Ant....

Recently a footytube member had posted some poetry on my wall and to be honest, I fell in love. No one has ever written me such an eloquent and beautiful poem. I couldn't believe that someone would take time out of their day to do something so special just for me, my heart was a flutter. I fantasized about the day he would propose to me and I'd be taken care of and never have to worry my pretty little head ever again.

Little did I know he posted this same poem to several other footytube members as well, the player! My heart is a mess, I can't eat or sleep (I would say drink, but it's all that dulls the pain).

Will this pain ever stop? What is the cure for a broken heart?

Sincerely,

ToroNero
Ant (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Hi ToroNero,

Thanks for your letter. I've been pondering the meaning of love and how to fix a broken heart and the closest way I can put it in laymans terms is as per below.



Kind regards,

Ant
Charlie (Barcelona) 4 years ago
You forgot to subtract the penis from the equation



   
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