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The Best Rival Jokes
REDDevil98 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog’s collar and twists it, breaking the dog’s neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes, “Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal. ”
The boy interrupts: “But I’m not a City fan. ”
The reporter starts again: “Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack. ”
The boy interrupts again: “I’m not a United fan either. ”
The reporter asks: “Who do you support, then? ”
“Liverpool, ” replies the boy.
The headline the next day: “Scouse b*****d kills family pet”
Gray1 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Haha, brilliant mate
Chafcouf93 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
A manc, a scouse and an african man are all waiting for their wives to give birth. The nurse comes out and says :
"Gents, theres been a problem, we mixed up the babies and we don't know which baby belongs to who.... You'll have to pick randomly"
The manc goes in first and comes out with a black baby.
The black guy tells him : "hey don't you think that's my baby? "

The manc replies:"yes surely, but one of the two white babies is a scouse and I'm not willing to take that risk !"
FutureMUplayer (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Lol nice one!
Redsince63 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Great one, its a good job he wasn't colour blind ! Lol
Roo10ney (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Hahaha Damn that was a good one
Naushad (Mohammedan Dhaka) 3 years ago
What do you call a Chelsea fan with half a brain?      **** Gifted !
Chafcouf93 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Applies to sh1tty and pool fans more than chelsea though
Chafcouf93 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
I'd call him unique
Anhad (Manchester United) 3 years ago
An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201, 000 miles. Scientists have named it "Fernando Torres"
Chafcouf93 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Ok these torres jokes are crossing the line.... Unlike his shots
Ldinho (Manchester United) 2 years ago
LOL!
Anhad (Manchester United) 3 years ago
I've named my heater Carlos Tevez 'cause it doesn't warm up
Redsince63 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
Ha ha nice home made joke !
Gray1 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
As I was walking home from work last week I noticed a Liverpool season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought to myself 'I'm having that!' 'cos you can never have enough nails, can you?
Chafcouf93 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
I'd take the ticket and wipe my ass with it because you never know when you run out of paper you know?
Redsince63 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
I'd chop the tree down to put it out of its misery !
Northstream (Tottenham Hotspur) 3 years ago
The Afghan Footballer

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what? ' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. '

'Wonderful, ' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time. '

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry. '

'Sorry?! Sorry?!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
[account-removed] 3 years ago
Sounds more like a tragedy to me...
Northstream (Tottenham Hotspur) 3 years ago
Arsenal's Top Seller for Christmas....    The Robin van Persie tea tray.    Guaranteed to carry 10 mugs.  
Chafcouf93 (Manchester United) 3 years ago
And no cups
Riajz (Manchester United) 3 years ago
?
Vika09 (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Harry Redknapp told Van der vaart and Bale to "play where they wanted". Wenger tried the same thing with Fabregas. He chose Barcelona
Roo10ney (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Lol hahaa
EphToDaRhyme (Manchester United) 2 years ago
I don't care that Liverpool supporters never walk alone.... Our annual trophies never come alone!
Redsince63 (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Dogs are pack animals ! (as in more of the same type in a group)  And Suarez is a pack animal that walks up and down mountain paths !
EphToDaRhyme (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Riajz (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Hehe, mate! Where did you get this one? ^^
Redsince63 (Manchester United) 2 years ago
The world will end before the third time around ! Lmao
EphToDaRhyme (Manchester United) 2 years ago
It's from 9gag.com.... But I'm warning you, this site is very addictive, especially if you got many nerdy friends
Tdsmufan (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Lol mate good one!
Mustangs (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Pres. Barack Obama, in a recent press conference announced that United States have reduced their budget for the Department of defence to $400 billion annually.

The US is no longer the State with highest expenditures on the defenses. The Honor now goes to Manchester City.... !
Riajz (Manchester United) 2 years ago
LOL ^_^
Achiox (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Haha, good one mate!
Thegreatsiralex (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Snow White, Silvester Stallon and Osama Bin Laden are having a conversation.

Snow White says “Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on, but how do I know? ”
Stallon says “I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived, but how do I know? ”
Bin Laden says “Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know? ”

Snow White says “Let’s go and see the wise man!” So off they go.
Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: “It’s true. I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on. ”
Stallon goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: “It’s true. I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived. ”

Osama goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: “Who’s the fu*k is this John Terry character then? “
Chafcouf93 (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Hahahahahaha good one
Redsince63 (Manchester United) 2 years ago
That's a cracker ! Lmao
Roo10ney (Manchester United) 2 years ago
Awesome.... Lmfao
Come510 (Manchester United) 2 years ago
What a cracker!ROFL
Riajz (Manchester United) 2 years ago
So Luis Suarez was at the Everton v Bolton game tonight. I know this because a friend was sat next to him.

He kept shouting "Oi nignog, you're f****g s**t! F**k off back to where you came from"

"F****g nignog, you can't shoot properly, you're f*****g shit!"

"Nignog, learn to f****g pass nignog!"

After a while he'd had enough and said "mate, his name's N'gog, you should know this, he used to play for Liverpool. You're gonna' get yourself in even more trouble if you carry on"

He said "Not him, I'm on about Saha!"

What a tool!



   
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