Forums / Liverpool
Order: Newest / Oldest
Jokes And Some Casual Banter, No String Attached!
Tobes (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Pretty funny dig at Man Untd after the Derby Defeat. It's getting around on twitter.


Teja7 5 years ago
ScouserDan (Liverpool) 5 years ago
A young boy goes to social services and tells them he has nowhere to live. “What about your parents? ” asks the social worker. “No, they beat me, ” says the boy. “What about your grandparents? ” says the social worker. “No, they beat me even harder!” says the boy. “Well.... Where do you want to stay then? ” replies the social worker. “Tottenham, ” says the boy. “They don’t beat anyone!”

A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make-up, bra, knickers, suspenders and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment!

A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, “Sorry, son, this ball is £20. You only have £10″. The boy says, “ok, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for £10? ” He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. “I can hear cannons blasting, so it’s an Arsenal ball. ” Next he gives him a Millwall ball: “I hear lions, so it’s Millwall. ” Amazed, the shopkeeper says, “Get this and you can have it for nothing. ” The boy listens and says Spurs. The man asks if he’s heard a cockerel. “No, ” says the boy. “It’s going down!”

A tourist is in North London one Saturday and he decides he would very much like to go to a football match, so he asks a man in the street if there are any local matches being played that afternoon.

“Well, ” replies the man, “the Arsenal ground is very close but they’re playing away today. If you feel you really must see a match, the Tottenham ground is not that far away. You go straight down this road and you’ll see two queues, a big queue and a small queue.

You should go to the small queue because the big one is for the fish and chip shop!

A man is sitting in a pub with his Jack Russell dog one Saturday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner, “Liverpool 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1, ” reads the announcer in his normal, rather sedate, voice.

Suddenly the Jack Russell dog jumps up and shouts out, “Oh, no, not again. ”

The shocked landlord says, “That’s amazing. Why did he say that when the result was announced that Tottenham lost? ”

“Because he’s a Spurs supporter, ” the dog’s owner replies.

The landlord then asked what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him three years!”

When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was. On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma!

I was up at Spurs and decided to get a cup of tea from the burger van, I asked the guy if he could rustle me up a cup or a mug, and he replied: “Sorry mate no cups, they’re all at Arsenal, and the mugs are on the pitch!”

Many moons ago when I was at school, two of my mates were Spurs supporters. They would go to White Hart Lane and wait for about ten minutes after kick off and climb over the wall. One Saturday a policeman caught them and he made them go back in and watch the rest of the game!

Apparently the entire Tottenham squad have been busy honing their skills playing the computer game Championship Manager. Sadly it seems Harry misunderstood and thinks they want to play for a Championship manager!

Harry Redknapp, shortly after another training session, comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how impressive the pitch is looking. “It ought to, ” replies the groundsman. “We put 70 million quid’s worth of manure on it every week!”

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break: 1st surgeon says “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. ” 2nd surgeon says “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order. ” 3rd surgeon says “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded. ” 4th surgeon says “I prefer Spurs fans. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable!”
Teja7 5 years ago
Lol! What a dig @ the Spuds. Thanks for sharing.  Loved the first three jokes and the last one.  
ScouserDan (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Haha, more jokes taking digs at other teams to come mate
Khaimet (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Hahaha damn just saw this some are really funny
Putidevi (Liverpool) 5 years ago
I went to subway and asked for the most expensive sub.... They gave me Fernando Torres...
Bisignani (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Haha that's good, except.... Andy carrol is weighing us down the same. Well, 15k lighter
Bisignani (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Haha that's good, except.... Andy carrol is weighing us down the same. Well, 15k lighter
[account-removed] 5 years ago
What do the United States & Chelsea have in common? They both spend 50 million on subs
LORDETHAN1997 (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over.... As he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I? ". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide. " Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already? "
Teja7 4 years ago
Teja7 4 years ago
LesRouges (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them.... And people couldn't figure out which side to spit on
ScouserDan (Liverpool) 4 years ago
So much good banter in here we need to keep it going!
ScouserDan (Liverpool) 4 years ago
Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?

A: 45, 000 more Chelsea fans

Q: What would you get if Chelsea were relegated?

A: 40, 000 more Man United fans.

John Terry always listens to the same song before a game - Born Slippy.

John Terry is going to start making is own brand of vodka - and like him it's bottled in Russia

A Chelsea supporter goes to his doctor to find out what's wrong with him.

"Your problem is you're fat, " says the doctor.
"I'd like a second opinion" responds the man.
"ok, you're ugly too" replies the doctor.

ScouserDan (Liverpool) 3 years ago
A doctor in Oldham Hospital today is lecturing to a group of trainee nurses on the subject of involuntary muscle spasms.

"For example, " he says to one nurse, "do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?

"Yes, " she replies.

"He's at old trafford, watching Utd"
[account-removed] 3 years ago
Heading a ball will kill people
ScouserDan (Liverpool) 3 years ago
Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or tele.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The Gunners have lost again. "
The other man was flabbergasted and said "how in the name of god do you know that? "
The other man replied "It's quarter to five. "

Q: What do you call 100 Arsnal supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start!

Q: What do you call a dead Gunner Fan in a closet?
A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.

The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal" are good enough to win the European Cup. "
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Q: What do you say to a Gunners supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo

Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

Q: Why do housewives love Arsenal?
A: Because they stay on top for ages and come second!

Kick4Life - changing lives through football