Sir Alex, and the Tale of the Youth Signings

One day, Sir Alex Ferguson wakes up, and heads to Old Trafford for matchday, one bright Sunny Saturday morning. He get's to the ground and searches high and low but for the life of him, can not find any chewing gum. Naturally, he starts to panic, and brings his players in one by one to help, and here is how it unfolds:

Sir Alex: Hey Owen (Hargreaves), would you em.... Mind picking me up a stick of gum while I watch the lads?

Owen: Sure coach, be back in a jiff....

1 hour later....

Sir Alex: where the hell is Owen?

Assistant Coach: Well sir, we hear that Owen picked up a lovely blue rasberry gum for you, but he enjoyed the color so much he's gone off to sign for Man City!

Sir Alex: what?

Assistant Coach: Don't worry, reports say he injured himself again trying to sign the contract, he sprained his wrist and failed the medical. Karma for ya!

Sir Alex: Oh alright, we don't need'im, De Gea, get over 'ere.

De Gea: Que Pasa?

Sir Alex: Yo necesito gum, comprende?

De Gea: Si! Un momento

1 hour later....

Sir Alex: Where the heck is our keeper?

Assistant Coach: Well we hear that he got the gum sir, but it kept slipping through his hands, so he's gone over to Van der Sar's house for advice....

Sir Alex: Oh for goodness sake, Rooney get over 'ere....

Rooney: Sgoin on coach? Ow's everythin eh?

Sir Alex: I need some gum, Rooney, I can count on you to get some right?

Rooney: Absolutely coach.... Emmm.... Any particular flavor?

Sir Alex: No, just get me gum ya lumpy potatoe

Rooney: Aye coach!

1 hour later....

Sir Alex: Where.... Is Rooney, this is ridiculous

Assistant Coach: Well, I've just heard he reached the local shop, and there was a pretty girl behind the register.... And emmm.

Sir Alex: and emmmm WHAT?

Assistant Coach: Well we seem to believe she might be a prostitute coach....

Sir Alex: Oh great, well he's gone then.... Berbatov come 'ere

Berbatov: Coach I hear you need gum, I will get it and be right back!

Sir Alex: Great, a player with iniative that is willing to show his coach he is a first team player! Finally!

1 hour later

Sir Alex: Oh FFS, now what....

Assistant Coach: Well we hear on the way to purchase some gum, Berbatov found a really nice looking bench, and we can't get him off it.... He says it looked lonely, and he felt it's pain?

Sir Alex: Oh come on.... Seriously? Well, I guess it's time to bring in some youngsters, this lot have lost the plot....

Thus comes to past, the signings of Welbeck, Cleverly, Hernandez, Smalling, and the rest....

The End.

A Spurs Fan, a Manchester United fan and a Liverpool fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The Spurs fan insists that he is the most loyal and he yells, "this is for Tottenham!" and jumps off the mountain.

Not to be out done, the Liverpool fan next professes his love for his team. He screams, "this is for the Liverpool" and pushes the Manchester United fan off the mountain

I heard that Abramovic decided to take CFC players on a night out to a night club in Spain. And on this night they were swarmed by all the people in the cubs wanting their autographs. One women asked Frank Lampard to sign her leg so he did. Another asked John Terry to sign her tits so he did. And Lastly, one women pulled down her knickers and asked Roman Abramovic to sign, and he said "No, last time I signed a Spanish c**t it cost me £50 million. "

Teenage Man Utd fan die's after masturbating 42 time's in a row,

He was trying to beat Gary Nevilles record for being the biggest wankxr

Fifa 10: Let's fifa 10.    Fifa 11: We are 11.    Fifa 12: Try and score with fernando torres.

One day Mr Pig went to the guiness world book of record office to check if he is still the ugliest creature on earth....
******3 minutes later*******
Mr Pig came out angrily shouting
"Who the hell is Wayne Rooney!? "

Breaking news: Fernando Torres took a gun pointed it at his head and pulled the trigger .  He missed....

Sky Sports have announced that from next season onwards Liverpool will be the only English team shown on sky sports 1 and 2. Man utd games will be shown on history channel; Chelsea will be on the African movie channel, man city on the shopping channel & you will be able to find Arsenal live on cartoon network...

How do you castrate a Man Utd fan?    Kick his sister in the chin...

Dear Supporter

Please find enclosed your ticket for Anfield on 15 October. Unfortunately, Liverpool is the latest in a long line of clubs that have been forced to reduce our allocation of tickets by their local safety advisory group –an independent body made up of the local council, Howard Webb, the police and other interested groups.

They have reduced our allocation because you idiots keep blocking the ailes and gangways and don’t listen to the stewards. How bunch of fu*king idiots, you need to learn some class and behaviour. Even Gary Neville behaves better than you lot. You don’t even f*cking sing out loud like the Kopities do, what now! Do I have to pay for some singing lessons? Also if you want to take a sh*t please go to the toilet, your fellow fans from Row 1 don’t appreciate it when someone sitting in a higher row takes a dump right on top of them. Hopefully this letter will teach you a little bit of culture and class, that is if you can read.

While in Liverpool make sure you visit the Liverpool F. [C.] museum where you can see a real Champions League Cup (something that no other club can’t have). Liverpool FC won it 5 times so they have 5 of them, for those of you who don’t know math 5 is a bigger number than 3. Go down to Albert Dock and see the Beatles museum, I used to have the same hairdo when I was a wee lad. Take a ride on the Liverpool eye, on a clear day you can see Croxteth the birthplace of Wayne Rooney. Speaking of Wayne Rooney did you know that he is a Scouser so singing Scouse Bastards it is an insult to our Wazza.

Take a trip up to Kirkby to visit the L. F. [C.] Academy, did you know that Michael Owen came up through this academy. Don’t know who Michael Owen is? Well he is the short baby face one who I sometimes allow to sit on the bench.

When you visit Anfield make sure you see the Shankly gates, Bill Shankly was Scottish like me. Did you know that Liverpool’s first ever team was made up mostly of Scottish player so please don’t insult Liverpool F. [C.] or I will get offended.

On closing I wanted to tell you, despite what happens.

You still are all Sh*te.

Sir Alex Ferguson

Choose United.

Choose 7 failed attempts at the European Cup.

Choose to be knocked out of Europe 9 times in 10 seasons.

Choose to be the European laughing stock.

Choose to waste countless millions.

Choose to support a team from a city you've never even been to.

Choose whining.

Choose to wear s**t grey shirts then blame them when Southampton stuff you.

Choose to release Cantona because he's the only one who recognises how s**t Cole is.

Choose cheating.

Choose not to condemn your player after he has just been convicted of murder. Choose to spend your career in the reserves because the money's good.

Choose a psychopathic Irishman for your captain and call him a gifted visionary.

Choose to waste 7 million on Cole.

Choose the arrogance to field your reserve team and then bleat about the consequences.

Choose not to be liked by anyone and pretend not to care.

Choose your own referee and assistants - except in Europe.

Choose a Scandinavian paper boy as your top goal scorer.

Choose to have the biggest squad in British football and then complain about injuries.

Choose your club before your country.

Choose Wales before England.

Choose Paddy Roach.

Choose to be arse-licked by the media and then accuse them of anti-United bias.

Choose to forget 1975 to 1989 ever existed.

Choose to change the team you support every 10 years.

Choose to shield your players from TV interviews until they can read and write.

Choose Remi Moses.

Choose to change your kit 6 times a season.

Choose self-deception and delusions of grandeur.

Choose the highlight of your club's history as an air disaster.

Choose to poach your "impressive youth policy" from other clubs.

Choose to sign a world class centre forward beginning with SH and pretend not to care when you get Sheringham instead of Shearer.

Choose to go for the Triple then end up with f**k all.

Choose embarrassment. Choose united! SCUM OF THE LAND!

A Competition!

DO YOU COME FROM manchester?

DO YOU HAVE relatives IN manchester?

DO YOU LIVE NEAR manchester?

If you say NO to these three questions, you are an ideal person to become a fan of manchester united

Yes, this is your big chance to join the ever-growing army of glory hunters who can be seen around the country in the colours of The Sc*m. To join the newly-formed club, simply send in a map with a cross marking where you think the city of Manchester is. In the unlikely event of there being two correct entries and thus a tie, fill in the tie-break question at the bottom of the page.

* YOU could WIN *

First prize: Brand new, 'S' registration Ford Bandwagon for you and the others to jump on. This prestige vehicle comes with many features, including stereo radio (pre-set to come on at 4:45pm every Saturday as you, of course, won't be at the game).

Second prize: One years supply of new design Manchester United shirts. These will be despatched to you weekly.

Third prize: A complete supply of Manchester United programmes from the games that you have attended. Both will be sent in the same envelope.

Tie Breaker (in no more than 12 words)

I feel it necessary to follow a football team that I have absolutely no connection with because:.... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... ....

Name:.... ....

Address:.... .... .... .... ....

Age:.... Mental Age:....

Man UTD fans.... Your '19' flags and scarves, turned upside down, would make ideal Christmas presents for City supporting relatives. LOL
__________
Do you guys know what is the time?
Its 6 past De gea
__________
Manutd champ1-6ns?!? Hahahahhaa!
__________
♦ The game was a sexy(6)-one(1)
♦ That was 1-6y game by the citizens!
♦ Out of the whole game there was some ugly goals but Utd had one-sixy goal.
__________
All mighty United players were displaying AON on their shirt! Wonder what AON stands for? Hmmm.... "All Over Now".
Yep, that sound's about right.
__________
Balloteli and Aguero bring ManUtd to there feet,
Dzeko and Silva bring them to their knees.
__________
The awkward moment when united's conceded tally in the league doubles in one game.
__________
Alex Fergusons wife woke him up one morning and said 'Wake up hunny, its 7'
Ferguson replied "F*ck! What? They've scored again?!"
__________
ManU fans must be 6 to their stomach after that 1.
__________
A box of girl scout cookies would've done better than United.
__________
Brilliant City hit United for six (Cricket joke).
__________
Apparently, Ferguson says he regrets resting Howard Webb for such a big match!
__________
Balotelli was just practicing how to light fireworks days ago, cause he intended to set fire in burn Old Trafford!
__________
Man Utd got manhandled with 6 La Liga-style goals. De Gea probably thought he was playing a Catalan club again!


►►The really good ones◄◄ Least to best.

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Do you guys know what is the time?
Its 6 past De gea
♣
Post: Frustrating day for the Glory Hunters.
Reply: Not really. They'll just change their shirts from red to blue.
Me: *facepalm* hahahahaa!
♣
RIP Man Utd.... I mean Rape In Public !
♣
Man UTD fans.... Your '19' flags and scarves, turned upside down, would make ideal Christmas presents for City supporting relatives. LOL
♣
Balotelli - Yesterday, burned his house.
Today, he burned Old Trafford.
♣
I'm trying to upload the Man United 1-6 Man City game on PornHub. Apparently rape isn't allowed. True Story
♣
Last week Patrice Evra accused Luis Suarez of racist remarks, this­ week he is accusing Manchester City of rape.