A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you". So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Man Utd shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says "don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Man Utd shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you". The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Man Utd shirt. The Popemobilestops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you scum to piss off yesterday? "....

Q. What's the only difference between a Trampoline and a Manshyster United Fan?

A. You take your dirty shoes off before you jump up and down on a Trampoline

A Liverpool fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says "I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for. " "Fair enough", says the man. " I wish for 1 million quid". "You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million? " "Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a case of £50 notes. "Now I wish for Liverpool to win the European Cup for 10 years running" "You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running? " "Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup. "Final wish? "
After some thought the Liverpool fan replies: "I'd like to give a kidney transplant.... "

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?    A: A Man-U fan is a real dick

How many Man UTD supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
Never enough.

What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
The tea stays in a cup longer.

Q: How many Man-U fans does it take to fix a light bulb in Old Trafford?

A: One to hold the bulb, and the other 64, 999 to turn the stadium

Whats the difference between Sir Alex and a cow?  A: a cow can ruminate

Q: What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and a Walrus?
.
A: One is ugly as butt, smells, weighs 500 pounds and the other is a walrus

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "thump" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father? "

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road, " replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "thud. " Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan, "

"That's okay, " replied the priest. "I got the f***er with the door!"

Looks like we got a decent start to this thread

Roses are Red_____________________________________________________
Violets are Blue__________________________________________________
Nani is a dickhead________________________________________________
Who smells like effin doo-doo_____________________________________

Rooney wants to go to Juventus - he'll never turn down an approach from an Old Lady.
____________
Rooney is planning a move to Real after mishearing that Madrid was "full of lovely Senior Ritas".
____________
Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: Because all the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Anfield.
____________
Q: Whats the difference between Van Der Sar and Pamela Anderson?
A: Pamela Anderson has only 2 tits in front of her.

Alex Ferguson is getting worried about his team's recent poor form against Liverpool.
He just can't understand it, ManU are the biggest club in Europe, have all the best players etc, but every time they play the Scouse, they get beaten to a pulp. So Alex gives King Kenny Dalglish a call and explains his problem. Kenny is very understanding and invites Alex down to watch his team training. So Alex turns up in London and spends a day watching the Liverpool players. At the end of the training session he says to Kenny "I still don't understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that you do, but you still beat us all the time". "Ah" says Mr Dalglish, "I don't think its anything to do with the training. I think its because my players are more intelligent than yours". Alex looks a bit peeved and asks Kenny "What the hell do you mean by that? ".
"Well" says Kenny, "We also train our boys in lateral thinking". To demonstrate his point he calls over Steven Gerrard. "Stevie, here's a riddle for you:
There is a person. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother; who is he? ".
That's easy" says Stevie, "Its me. " "Correct" says Dalglish.
Alex is very impressed. He goes back to Manchester and next day in training he calls over Wayne Rooney. "Wayne, I've been talking to Kenny Dalglish and he reckons his players are more intelligent than ours".
The now agitated Rooney responds "That's bullocks, Boss!". Seeing how his best man got so angry, Alex reckons that Rooney will put all his knowledge and brains to slove the riddle. "OK", says Alex, "I've got a question for you, it's a riddle.
There is a person. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he? "
Rooney looks blank and replies "Need some time to think about this one boss, can I tell you tomorrow? "
Alex agrees and Rooney goes home thinking about the problem. He asks the Prostitute he met in a Strip Club, but she hasn't a clue what he's talking about. Rooney is now in a mess, no matter how hard he thinks he can't figure out the question, so he resorts to cheating. He eventually decides to give Jamie Carragher a call, since he figures that Liverpool players are very intelligent, maybe he will understand.
"Hello Jamie, its Wayne. I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he? ". "That's easy", says Jamie, "Its me". So Rooney calls over Alex Ferguson the next day in training and says "Morning Boss, I've got the answer to that question"
"ok. What is it? " asks Alex.
"Its Jamie Carragher" replies the confident Rooney.
"You stupid bastard" shouts Alex "You unintelligent twat! None of you know anything! No wonder you always lose to Liverpool, damn it!", "Its NOT Jamie Carragher.... Its Steven Gerrard!"

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. Were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping. "
The order was chosen according to how much each were intoxicated on the day of the arrest. So....
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. "
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Man Utd. Fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back. "
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Liverpool fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes. "
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. " The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be? " the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Manchester United fan to my back!

Some sample questions from the Manchester United sponsored Primary School maths program:

1. If Wayne is 40 yards away from the referee and runs at a speed of 18mph, and Nani is 46 yards away from the referee and runs at a speed of 21mph, who will be the first player to harass and pressure the official?

2. Multiple Choice: If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?
A. 5 minutes
Be. 6 minutes
See. Ask Ferguson

3. If an injury occurs that will only take 3 days to recover from, how many weeks will Nani claim he is out for?

4. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Dimitar Berbatov have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

5. Multiple Choice: By applying the laws of mathematical probability, which is most likely to occur?
A. Wayne Rooney graciously accepting the referees decision for a foul against him.
Be. Alex Ferguson gracioulsy accepting any official decision that doesn't benefit Manchester United.
See. None of the above