Forums / Funny Old Game
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Greg (Tottenham Hotspur) 5 years ago
As a football fan, there are certain things you’re allowed to openly state. “Their full-back is having a terrible game.” You’re allowed to say that. And “Walcott is all over the place. He’s got to stay in the channels.” You can say that too. But “Bale has had a new haircut. I like it.” You’re not supposed to say that. But I do. If I have one superpower (and it’s very unlikely that I do) it’s that I notice whenever a footballer has had a haircut. And I don’t mean a major haircut, like when Beckham first shaved his head; I notice when an anonymous defender has had a minor trim. I notice, for example, that Rafael van der Vaart is beginning to go thin on top, and therefore has a regular monthly haircut - this makes me wonder whether most Dutch men, no matter how handsome they may be in their 20s, inevitably end up looking like potatoes (see Martin Jol).

I don’t know when it first started, but I remember thinking that most of my conversations with Jon, a fellow Spurs fan, included a moment when I linked a footballer’s current form with his haircut. “Bale’s playing amazingly,” I would say. “He’s ditched the floppy feather cut and is going for more of a quiff. It suits him.” That’s not to say that I don’t notice everything else going on in the game, and I’m more than capable of boring people in pubs by uttering one of those standard meaningless phrases that men say during football matches, such as: “They’re dropping too deep! They’re dropping too deep!” But there inevitably comes a point in the match when nothing very interesting is happening, and I wonder whether it’s right that Luka Modric has the same haircut as an eight-year-old girl, or that Scott Parker’s hairstyle makes him look like a First World War soldier on the day before he is sent to the Front.

I’m sure I am not alone in pondering footballer’s haircuts, but I suspect everyone else is sworn to a code of silence. There are rules about how you talk about football, and one of those is that you aren’t allowed to comment on a footballer’s appearance unless it is to heap derision on it. You’re permitted to laugh at Gervinho’s balding-dreadlock look or sneer at Wayne Rooney’s monstrous face, but you are on no account allowed to say: “Sergio Aguero looks much better now that he’s sorted out his hair.” Because then people might think you’re gay. This is all part of the strange effect that comes over men when they get together to watch football. As soon as they get together to watch football, normally intelligent men, who probably have gay friends and occasionally watch Almodovar films, suddenly become wannabe-Alpha males, shouting “That was offside, ref! Offside!” when they are actually thinking: “Gareth Barry has a very curious jawline,” or “Luis Suarez would look quite nice if he sorted out his teeth.”

Prove to me that I am not alone. Next time you’re watching football and you notice that a footballer has cut his hair, don’t bite your tongue. Take a deep breath and tell all your friends what you are thinking.

Blog by Greg

This blog does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of footytube, its barber or its partners.
Tanmay (Footytube Moderator) 5 years ago
Haha nice, very nice. I have been itching to talk about Alexis Sanchez's stud earring. And Nasri's.... Wait, is there still a line we're not supposed to cross here?
Achiox (Manchester United) 5 years ago
I'm surprised that there was no mention of Tevez! Great read!
Matt (Footytube Staff) 5 years ago
Tevez is a lost cause no amount of hair product or dental work can save that face
TopGoalscorer (Manchester City) 5 years ago
@Matt well said
Achiox (Manchester United) 5 years ago
@Matt indeed!
Araz (Queens Park Rangers) 5 years ago
Well written article, nice to see someone coming at football from a fresh angle. What about Malouda's "baby onion" hair cut?
Greg (Tottenham Hotspur) 5 years ago
I'm afraid I missed the Malouda baby onion haircut, but I notice that on Facebook there is a whole group dedicated to getting Drogba to sort out his limp perm
Matt (Footytube Staff) 5 years ago
I think Drogba has his hair that way so his shadow looks like Darth Vader
ColaWings (Real Madrid) 5 years ago
Ibra isn't helping out his face with that new look either
Georgio (Bayern München) 5 years ago
Ibra looks like a pedophile samurai on steroids
Champi0n (Manchester City) 5 years ago
Ibra is a king man and his new hair cut is sleek    I'm very straight btw....
Georgio (Bayern München) 5 years ago
Lmao I agree it does look real good on him he should definately keep it for the foreseeable future lmao.... Uh no homo
Tanmay (Footytube Moderator) 5 years ago
Lol georgio your first post got it exactly right
Kyuss (Barcelona) 5 years ago
I get the samurai and steroids part, but pedophile? How did you come up with that?
Ltm017 5 years ago
He should shave his head, go live in the mountains and take pictures with male bears.
Georgio (Bayern München) 5 years ago
Its his smile man....... His smiiiile lmao it looks like he's constantly thinking about something dirty and inhumane to do lmaoo I mean look at him in this picture

JonathanGun (Manchester United) 5 years ago
He's obviously trying to imitate [C.] Ronaldo in that picture
Kyuss (Barcelona) 5 years ago
All right, I'm convinced now Sort of "I really don't want to know whats going on in your head right now! Really! Nope!"
AmmarAvril (Liverpool) 5 years ago
Haha right Kyuss
Hardstone (NE Revolution) 5 years ago
How come no ones mentioned the sick 'fro Felaini rocks?

Oh and I think Joey Barton's hair might be the greasiest 'do this side of Grease
Greg (Tottenham Hotspur) 5 years ago
I like Joey Barton's hair. It's probably the only thing I like about him
Hardstone (NE Revolution) 5 years ago
Well I guess it's not that bad, but I never want to miss a chance to bash JB!
Naushad (Mohammedan Dhaka) 5 years ago
Hahahaaa nice
Dre10 (Chelsea) 5 years ago
Hahaha this was a great read. I must say gervinhos hair has had me in stitches for years now that he's in the premier league I just laugh more
FifaXX (Napoli) 5 years ago
I have always wondered why more footballers don't get hair transplants. I don't know why, but to me it seems like these guys tend to lose their hair a lot sooner than most men their ages. If I made millions a year, was in my late 20's, and had the hairline of Homer Simpson I would probably get the transplants done in the off season.... But now that I think about about it, there may be an inverse relationship to the amount of money you have and how much hair you need on your head...
Achiox (Manchester United) 5 years ago
I thought Rooney was getting one? Didn't it fail? Or is that all just a rumour?
RickyVelveeta (Chelsea) 5 years ago
Haha epic read.... I've spent far too much time pondering aaron lennon's stupid tribal eyebrow shave and essou-ekotto's many levels of silliness. You are not alone. Mega!
Thechosenfew (Arsenal) 5 years ago
Gareth bale looks like mickie mouses evil twin with a leave it to beaver haircut. And yes I'm glad someone mentions gervino's hair. What is that?
Ant (Liverpool) 5 years ago
I just made this image to demonstrate my beliefs

Once Lucas got the man-cut, he turned into 10 times the footballer he was before. Now I'm just waiting for Carroll to listen to everyone's advice, get a buzz cut and start banging in 20 a season
Araz (Queens Park Rangers) 5 years ago
"Hahahaha, that's awesome mate, and I can't argue with the difference. When he had the "No" cut I would have sworn he was only on the Liverpool team because he was the secret love child of Raffa, but when he got the "Yes" cut he actually deserved to be in the team.

There must be others you can add to the list of footballers who improved when they changed their mops
Nitro (Barcelona) 5 years ago
Very good read, hilarious! Yet no one even mentioning the hair 'style' of balotelli (just shave your head man!) or the outrageous horse hair of Neymar
Cameronjack18 (Barcelona) 5 years ago
Haha very nice. I tend to dislike it when players get their haircut, it usually means bad news.... Tevez, Torres during the world cup. The only outlier being Messi of course
Cameronjack18 (Barcelona) 5 years ago
And I happen to love drog dog's drip perm. Keepin it classy Didier
Sidvicious (Manchester United) 5 years ago
AS much as I agree with most of what the article says.... Noticing Rafael van der Vaart hair beginning to start thinning from the top is a bit too much observation if you know what I mean.... Minor hair trims is not usually what I look out for during a match unless its hair-do like gervinho and the like which pretty much stands out.... Ykno
Blueskiesahead (Chelsea) 5 years ago
See, I'm a Chelsea fan, so I always notice haircuts.... Particularly those that are had by Malouda and Kalou

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