As a football fan, there are certain things you’re allowed to openly state. “Their full-back is having a terrible game.” You’re allowed to say that. And “Walcott is all over the place. He’s got to stay in the channels.” You can say that too. But “Bale has had a new haircut. I like it.” You’re not supposed to say that. But I do. If I have one superpower (and it’s very unlikely that I do) it’s that I notice whenever a footballer has had a haircut. And I don’t mean a major haircut, like when Beckham first shaved his head; I notice when an anonymous defender has had a minor trim. I notice, for example, that Rafael van der Vaart is beginning to go thin on top, and therefore has a regular monthly haircut - this makes me wonder whether most Dutch men, no matter how handsome they may be in their 20s, inevitably end up looking like potatoes (see Martin Jol).

I don’t know when it first started, but I remember thinking that most of my conversations with Jon, a fellow Spurs fan, included a moment when I linked a footballer’s current form with his haircut. “Bale’s playing amazingly,” I would say. “He’s ditched the floppy feather cut and is going for more of a quiff. It suits him.” That’s not to say that I don’t notice everything else going on in the game, and I’m more than capable of boring people in pubs by uttering one of those standard meaningless phrases that men say during football matches, such as: “They’re dropping too deep! They’re dropping too deep!” But there inevitably comes a point in the match when nothing very interesting is happening, and I wonder whether it’s right that Luka Modric has the same haircut as an eight-year-old girl, or that Scott Parker’s hairstyle makes him look like a First World War soldier on the day before he is sent to the Front.

I’m sure I am not alone in pondering footballer’s haircuts, but I suspect everyone else is sworn to a code of silence. There are rules about how you talk about football, and one of those is that you aren’t allowed to comment on a footballer’s appearance unless it is to heap derision on it. You’re permitted to laugh at Gervinho’s balding-dreadlock look or sneer at Wayne Rooney’s monstrous face, but you are on no account allowed to say: “Sergio Aguero looks much better now that he’s sorted out his hair.” Because then people might think you’re gay. This is all part of the strange effect that comes over men when they get together to watch football. As soon as they get together to watch football, normally intelligent men, who probably have gay friends and occasionally watch Almodovar films, suddenly become wannabe-Alpha males, shouting “That was offside, ref! Offside!” when they are actually thinking: “Gareth Barry has a very curious jawline,” or “Luis Suarez would look quite nice if he sorted out his teeth.”

Prove to me that I am not alone. Next time you’re watching football and you notice that a footballer has cut his hair, don’t bite your tongue. Take a deep breath and tell all your friends what you are thinking.

Blog by Greg

Well written article, nice to see someone coming at football from a fresh angle. What about Malouda's "baby onion" hair cut?

Ibra isn't helping out his face with that new look either

How come no ones mentioned the sick 'fro Felaini rocks?

Oh and I think Joey Barton's hair might be the greasiest 'do this side of Grease

Hahahaaa nice

Hahaha this was a great read. I must say gervinhos hair has had me in stitches for years now that he's in the premier league I just laugh more

I have always wondered why more footballers don't get hair transplants. I don't know why, but to me it seems like these guys tend to lose their hair a lot sooner than most men their ages. If I made millions a year, was in my late 20's, and had the hairline of Homer Simpson I would probably get the transplants done in the off season.... But now that I think about about it, there may be an inverse relationship to the amount of money you have and how much hair you need on your head...

Haha epic read.... I've spent far too much time pondering aaron lennon's stupid tribal eyebrow shave and essou-ekotto's many levels of silliness. You are not alone. Mega!

Gareth bale looks like mickie mouses evil twin with a leave it to beaver haircut. And yes I'm glad someone mentions gervino's hair. What is that?

I loved the bit about gervinho's bolding dreads and rooneys monstrous face haha epic

I just made this image to demonstrate my beliefs




Once Lucas got the man-cut, he turned into 10 times the footballer he was before. Now I'm just waiting for Carroll to listen to everyone's advice, get a buzz cut and start banging in 20 a season

Very good read, hilarious! Yet no one even mentioning the hair 'style' of balotelli (just shave your head man!) or the outrageous horse hair of Neymar

Haha very nice. I tend to dislike it when players get their haircut, it usually means bad news.... Tevez, Torres during the world cup. The only outlier being Messi of course

And I happen to love drog dog's drip perm. Keepin it classy Didier

AS much as I agree with most of what the article says.... Noticing Rafael van der Vaart hair beginning to start thinning from the top is a bit too much observation if you know what I mean.... Minor hair trims is not usually what I look out for during a match unless its hair-do like gervinho and the like which pretty much stands out.... Ykno