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Jokes Anyone
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 2 years ago
The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
To deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
News. The donkey's died. '

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back. '

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it. '
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey. '

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him? '

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off. '

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead. '

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened
With that dead donkey? '

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made
A profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain? '

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back. '

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 2 years ago
Top 10 dumbest criminals


Runner-up #9

Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

Runner-up #8

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Runner-up #7

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Runner-up #6

San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag. " While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Runner-up #5

From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture.... Of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

Runner-up #4

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense, " said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Runner-up #3

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off. " The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there. " The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

Runner-up #2

Detroit: are. [C.] Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Runner-up #1

Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him

The winner!

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires. " The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... And won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire, " and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15, 000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires. " After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24, 000 fine
FootyRulz (Chelsea) 2 years ago
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do? ”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. ” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “ok, now what? “
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 3 years ago
Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Bloody hot down here!
ManUK (Manchester United) 3 years ago
A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St Peter greets him and says, "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good. "
The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.
"Well, " says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life? "
"Yes, I have, " replies the man proudly.
St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Everton at Anfield. The score was nil-nil and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end. "
"Yes, " responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place? "
"Certainly, " the man replied, "about three minutes ago
Fiasc0 (Eintracht Braunschweig) 3 years ago
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 3 years ago
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find Irish sausages? "

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish? "

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish? "

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't. "

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish? "

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords. "
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 3 years ago
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,

"Are all these kids yours? "*

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these

Are customer complaints".
BoboRed (Leeds United) 3 years ago
Sean is on his death bed with beloved wife Mary sitting with him.

He says: "Mary, when I was 20 and crashed our very first car two days after we were married, you were right there, by my side"....

Mary: "Yes, my love, I was"....

Sean: "And ten years later, when our house burned down, you were right there.... By my side"

Mary: "Yes, my love, I was"....

Sean: "And then when my business went bust, you were still right there, by my side"....

Mary: "Yes my love, I was"

Sean: "And when I slipped over and broke my hip last year, you were right there, by my side"

Mary: "Yes, my love, I was"....

Sean: "And now after 56 years of marriage, here I am, on my deathbed, riddled with cancer and you're still right here, by my side"

(barely holding back her tears)
Mary: "Yes, my love, I am"....

Sean: "Mary? "

Mary: "Yes, my love? "

Sean: "Mary, you're a fucking jinx"
Peteko 3 years ago
Lol, no s**t
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 3 years ago
Still In The Game

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Colonel Gaddafi is still alive", Gaddafi decided to personally send President Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Obama opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370hssv-0773h

The President was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Hilary Clinton and Jo Biden. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's mosad for help.

Within a minute, mosad cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down. "
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 3 years ago
I 8-2 break it to Arsenal fans, but I don't see them winning the title this year
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 3 years ago
Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge, " said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing
Would happen. "

"I should be in charge, " said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all
Waste away. "

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach, " Because I process food and give all of you energy. "

"I should be in charge, " said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go. "

"I should be in charge, " said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes. "

"I should be in charge, " said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal. "

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work....
The ass hole is usually in charge
Peteko 3 years ago
Isn't that an absolute rule
Northstream (Tottenham Hotspur) 3 years ago
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.
At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hookers corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 3 years ago
Good one!
Rhyolite11 (Arsenal) 3 years ago
Another Blunder:Argentina vs venezuela  Announced Venezuela's national anthem & played Argentina.... Lol
GreatScot (Rangers)(Footytube Staff) 3 years ago
That's not really a joke, more like a c**k up!    Got any good jokes Rhyolite?
Shitou (FC Santa Coloma) 3 years ago
This comment has been removed.
ManUK (Manchester United) 3 years ago
No habla ni entiende español, pero si lo hacía, le diría que Marc Gasol juega al baloncesto why no puedo entender su broma



   
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